Trigger

Amy Bo I'm sorry about that. I've been triggered lately and angry. I thought I was over that. I thought I had grown into an intuitive grateful woman. Instead I am 12 again. I am made fun of, I am not good enough, I am tainted. I am strange, i blurt out things better left unsaid. My mom was divorced and remarried. Her husband went on 3 day drunks, had a lover for ten years before she found out. My first liked to smack me around when my opinion pissed him off. I was supposed to take it because it was gods will. My depression was my fault because I didn't trust the lord. My autism is just me not reading my bible. I'm never enough. Any way! Here's to us! Loving ourselves in all our weirdness, we made it out. After the guilt fades, the feeling of euphoria overwhelms me, i never felt this good when I was a Christian.

It went away

I don't need to feel threatened by my belief, or feel self righteous. Relief is believing in me. Religion is a trap. Think for yourself and don't let the "church" tell you what is right. Too much hate in that building.

Our Blog - Raven Moonlight Botanicals

Our Blog - Raven Moonlight Botanicals

Skepticblog » Hunting the Ghost Hunters

Skepticblog » Hunting the Ghost Hunters

Stink eye

,

My little jack Russell /Shihtzu rescue mix, cops an attitude because I slept in.

2020

Here it is June and the weather is cool and only a few things are planted. 

Last year was a total waste. I spent the whole year depressed and unable to garden or organize. I thought I could manage myself and didn't need anti depressants. I was wrong of course.. 

Now I am better but I don't like to leave the house. 

I had a blood test a few weeks ago and I was diagnosed with very low vitamin D. 

I'm taking a supplement and slowly feeling better. 

My left knee is preventing me from getting out and doing more, that's one thing but I feel like every thing is getting better. 

We are in the middle of a pandemic. Covid-19. Trump is the president and he is making America the laughing stock of the world. 

How did we get here? I can't think.

• 
  I haven't minded the isolation. I mind the stupidity of humanity however. 

Meh

Born again for 40 years. 

The real deal. 

I went to college and took a philosophy class and my eye's were open. I couldn't close them again. The rush of peace and relief was so much more than I experienced being Christian. I have gotten a lot of pity, from concerned Christian friends , I don't need it and I try to be patient. I'm truly happy now.

Christians think that they are free, but they are not. They are controlled by the mass belief and must follow the crowd. 

New Garden in the middle of August

Hummingbird watch

And you're not allowed to hurt me anymore

I don't know you anymore. We used to talk every day. I used to be a part of your life. I was involved with my grandkids and I loved every minute. We built habitats, played in the dollhouse, caught bugs, raised pollywogs and butterflies.
I miss you. I miss long talks and lunch out, and you coming over for breakfast...remember toad in the hole? Coffee and scones? I miss you, I miss us.
I have to let go. You don't want me around, you think I am a big joke. You let me down on your wedding day too. The pig didn't belong in the front row wearing the mother's corsage. You are my child.
I am hurt. I am used to being tossed aside by my family, but never you.

Oh! And it's tortured alrighty

Not a good day for my angst ridden self.

The wedding day of my daughter. I wasn't involved in any way. I wasn't asked. I thought I was ok with that. My kids are rarely traditional. There was EH. I handled the situation ok. My sweet husband Andyroo went over and greeted EH. I wandered around looking for my daughter. She looked lovely and I was happy she found someone who gets her and completes her.
I'm still feeling closed out and uncomfortable. Here is many people I love and care about and I realize how little most care about me. Hard for me to understand, do I drive people away? I don't want to. I struggled with words when talking to guests yesterday, my words tangling into unintelligent sounds. People tend to walk away instead of waiting for me to get my words out.
Once again I realize how little I matter here. Once again I remind myself in a stern voice that this day is not about me and my imagined inadequacy. This is my little girls special day. I turn back to Andyroo my rock, my hero, my friend who gets me and completes me. I tell him I am going to find a seat.
There was the arbor waiting for the ceremony to begin. There were the brides maids chatting and the groom's mom wandering around taking charge in gentle efficient way. I love that lady so friendly and welcoming. And there at the front was the pig. Standing in swine-like authority already trying to take charge of the day.
I felt bile rise in my throat. If she was in the wedding that would be too much. I don't think I could handle that. Andy whispered in my ear. He had seen her too. He said, " you know people always begin to look like what they are when they age, and she certainly looks like the pig she is. "
God bless him.
I do believe that a young lovely person who is evil, will begin to look evil as they age. Youth and good looks are a cover. That is why you can trust most older people who look kind.
But I digress.
Well the pig wasn't in the wedding but she took up two seats in the front row and sat with MY granddaughters. I should have been in the front seat cheering MY daughter on, not that pig.
And the twenty plus years that I thought was plenty of time to get over the hurt and betrayal of a best friend and husband came back and hit me square in the face. I did not feel gracious I did not feel strong.
It all came back. Pig taking over my house, husband, kids, even the birth of my grandkids, yes she was there fighting for attention and pushing me away from my daughter,and here she is again, I admit I was too weak to push my way in. I also refuse to make a scene. So I kissed my daughter after the wedding and said I can't stay. My son called shortly after we made our getaway. Mom! Get over here they want a picture of you and Janelle. I said I can't I've left. He was irritated with me. I said cut a picture of my face and stick it on the photo. I know, I sounded like an asshole.
Now today I feel an overwhelming need to apologize. It is not the pig's fault I was a jerk that is all on me. However I will say in my defence they should not allow livestock in weddings.

Snowy day January 23, 2017

I really did it yesterday.
Jack Crow wasn't eating and I was worried he would die.  It was warmer than usual, I told Daine I wanted to take the bird outside to a woodsy place and let him get some exercise. I thought it would stimulate his appetite. Daine said it sounded like a terrible idea and that I don't realize how fast the bird can run.
He did as I asked anyway. We locked up the dogs and cats and carried Jack Crow outside.
Jack did take off running full speed and launched himself into some scrub trees overlooking the creek, which I might add is high and swift this time of year.
I decided if I tried to fetch him he would fall into the creek and only having one wing would be detrimental to his survival. His wing fell off while he was walking so I know absolutely without question it will never heal.
So not really having any options I decided to let him hangout in the scrub and I would check on him periodically. Daine just shook his head and we went back inside.
I checked on Jack every thirty minutes. He was still sitting in the bush. About 2 hours into his excursion the weather began to change and I wanted to get the bird and bring him inside.
I went outside and my ingenious bird dog had snuck out behind me. Sherman did his job and flushed out the bird. The bird took off and sherman chased it to the creek.
 I'm yelling Sherman! In my fiercest voice, of course Sherman is ignoring me, he is delighted to be chasing a bird.
I couldn't see where Jack had went, and Sherman ran up the bank and crossed the bridge to see if the bird was floating down stream. Sherman stared at the water for quite a few minutes and so I was sure the crow had come to an untimely demise, and it was all my fault.
I couldn't accept that, so I checked the banks of the creek and the area I had last seen Jack.
I made a shelter of a tote full of straw near his last place and hoped he could get to it if he was still alive. I went outside every thirty minutes and searched. Then... I saw him, he was clinging to the bank where Sherman had chased him and he must not have gone into the water. Sherman ran up the bank and through the woods and grabbed the crow by the head and picked him up. I yelled "Drop It!" The only command Sherman obeys. I noticed Jack moved so I called my bird dog and ran into the house to locate my teenager. Daine sighed heavily, put on his boots and climbed down the side the hill toward the creek with a African woven basket in hand. He picked up Jack Crow and put him in the basket and climbed slipping and sliding up the steep icy bank. I kept thinking this is not going to end well. But somehow we got the bird home safely and no one ended up in the creek. Jack clung to my glove and would not let go. Daine gently pride each claw and put him in the bird cage, since then Jack has been eating like a pig.
Happy ending and thank God for teenage boys.

I don't want to clean house today, so I will tell you the saga of the crow. He was brought to me with a broken wing, the rumor is I save animals. 
The young woman had called bird sanctuaries and animal control and the contention was to kill it. She had painstakingly saved it from a determined cat and was not about to have it killed, so now I have him.
I also have 3 cats, 5 dogs, and 10 chickens but I digress.
When she brought me the bird he was wrapped up in a tee shirt and didn't move or squawk. We put him in at large dog crate that I had lined with thick bath towels. He laid on his side with the wing stuck out at a right angle from his body. I told the girl, he has lost a lot of blood, is in shock and I don't expect him to live through the night.
I told her i would text her his progress or demise.
He got better and eventually put his wing next to his side. I hunted for a second hand bird cage and put him in that. He eats everything and silently watches me. I put the dogs and cats away and let him run around the house,but he doesn't seem to like that much. I put a tree branch in his cage but he doesn't climb. It occurred to me that he isn't a hook bill so probably won't climb.
I don't really know what to do with him. He can't live in a small cage and I can't turn him loose in the woods. We have a bird sanctuary called Lake Lowell. He could probably get on there even though flightless. My other thought is to build him an outdoor enclosure. I just don't know.
I've had him about a month now and he has been silent. I play bird sounds for him and he doesn't respond. When I pick him up he doesn't bite, which I would expect a wild bird to do.
Daine said maybe the bird is brain damaged.
However yesterday the squirrels outside were having a loud dispute and he started cawing, so this seems like progress.

I have always been proud to be American, but now I don't see how I can live in a country full of idiots that put a jackass in the white house.
How do I move to Scotland?
I would wager that Trump will be impeached before he finishes his term.
But the damage is done and I am ashamed of America. What did they think? This is not a reality show being sponsored by Jerry Springer!
I will be arriving with 5 dogs, 3 cats, and 10 chickens.
Sincerely
Scotsman Glena

Forty year reunion and what to wear?

     I wished you were here to say, "No, that makes your butt look too big, I think that skirt suits you better." My kids are no help. When they were younger they seemed to be, but I remember they either dressed me up like a punk rocker, or an elderly lady. Hmmm maybe they weren't any help after all.
I'm not trying to impress anyone, it's just that I want to be the best Glena I can be. I want to feel comfortable and enjoy myself and not think about my nagging low self-esteem. And I want the ability to be quiet and listen.
Granted I'm topping the 210 mark, don't tell Andy he has no idea how much I weigh, I lie on my drivers license, it says 180. The lady at the DMV snorted when she saw that! 😂
But. I'm still unsure what to wear. Probably the A-line skirt... black unfortunately. I adore bright colors, but most things in the lard ass size are black!! Like we are mourning our past thinner self.

Facebook drama

I didn't mean to hurt Your feelings over your stupid plastic spoon tree. Obviously tonya has spoken negatively about me or you wouldn't have jumped my shit on facebook when you don't know me.
No I don't feel like making a tree to see if mine is better, how stupid! I think they're garbage so I won't waste my time. No I am not going to put all my craft ideas up for you to judge. I have many failures and I can laugh about them. Also I can tell you are a piece of shit and not worth the space it takes to explain all this to you.
Thank Goodness I don't have to deal with you ever again.

Random Oddness

Robbie Burns Night. I didn't plan a big family dinner this year. No haggis. Listening to Bananarama on Pandora,ate a bag of pretzles I don't even like them. Made a bead necklace for an old Barbie doll from my youth. and..I think I should get off my butt and take a walk, but my walking buddy is with Andy. Pandora plays too much Depeche Mode.

as time passes

Time may seem to pause,but it merely passes.You find you are in your late fifties pushing sixty with the dreams of a twenty year old wondering "what the hell"?
 You learn more about yourself.Stuff you would have found useful when you were young, but must be grateful you know now. Useful stuff like never loan out things you want to keep.Otherwise the shock wears off.

FkIT

Cranky secretive forgetful arguementive changeable undependable distant unloving short tempered BORING.
I am not talking about me. I can live like this because he is not cruel. Something is going on with him, but I don't know what it is. Thank YOU Bitch Otter we don't have health insurance because of you.
Andy needs to see a doctor or a coroner.

Green. but September is around the corner...sigh...

 

garden of peace

maybe I shouldn't have done that.

oh yeah it's permanent.
Thankful that I am not job hunting. The Chorkie was upset, I thought she was going to bite me. I thought dogs were color blind??

Audrey see's purple and she doesn't like it.

it is the lament of my old age.

I am ready to do what I want. I have kids five days a week, and this generation, has poor English skills, poor hygiene, no gratitude or empathy. Are a real drag. This generation will not outlive their grandparents.
I haven't decided the cause of their demise yet.

I'm in an Oregon state of mind.
Missing the sand and the sea, and wondering if I will ever live there again? Today I thought about looking for jobs in Newport. I am sure the prospects would be slim, coastal town, and me being an antique.
Might look anyway.

gawd it's May

trying to  post from my kindle. it's a royal pain picking out  letters with a stylus,and it keeps correcting me. changing my words in a helpful manner.

I am not productive

Partly its the leg pain, partly its my gut not feeling right today, maybe the incessant rain, the dust that needs removing, the floor needs vacuuming, the kitchen needs mopping, the bathroom too. I want to create something beautiful, I don't want to spend Sunday cleaning yet again... maybe I should take a walk.
I had been turning the light bar on every morning at six AM. This weekend I just got out of bed instead, and I think... maybe it had made a difference to run the light bar for fifteen minutes before arising. CUZ I'm blue. But work sux, there is a bad vibe, one client who was especially difficult in a manipulative way has been reassigned and I wonder if I am getting bad press at work. sometimes its not what you do or how you are it is what THEY think you are and how they think you act, often no facts are needed for their opinions.
I got contraband chickens too, they are not slum lord approved, if we get caught he will ask us to remove them, and I would rather move with the birds secured in a box to a new place then get rid of the girls. Mary Jane, Ruby, Apple and Max. Max thought she was a rooster for awhile but seems to be acting more hen-ish now. The girls are making a big production over laying and egg, this does let the neighbors know there is a small chicken farm in the back yard. I told them to keep a low profile.
NO one listens to me including birds, and I am most often right.
I am going to take a warm bath and see if that improves my mood.

Reflect

In March Sherman, will be eight years old. He wants to visit the Ocean like we do every year. I am leaning toward weezling out, but I think Andy wants to go. Last night Andy put a recording of the sea on Youtube, and played it for a half hour. Sherman sat very still with a dreamy expression on his face. He loves the sea nearly as much as he loves me.

November Sky 2011

Newport 2012

August Morning 2012

Brookings Beach 2012

November Moon 2011

Newport 3, 2011

Redwoods 2012