strong>Its been awhile since I could remember.<
Pain swells over me, I went from being important to nothing in a day. I am wearing a big grin on my face, but it doesn't show in my eyes.
I am being stalked by the grim reaper.
I woke up at 4:00 AM hemorrhaging, blood pouring from me so fast it bubbled. I thought of dialing 911.
I was afraid to move, I wondered if this was normal.
Washing sheets and jammies at 4:00 AM.
Sitting very still watching heavy metal videos. Thinking, wanting to write something beautiful.
It is 6ish now, the flow has slowed down, but I may not be able to go anywhere today.
Forever trust in who I am.
Remember, I am best on my own, I do not doubt me then.
Reece says, "being a free spirit has a price." Allison says, "Didn't you know that?"
NO I didn't know that.
If I quit paying the price I quit living.
I love him. I let him go.
I have to stop now.
I have to go on, I have to be a good mother to my little son.
Daine will ask, "where is Carl, mom?"
What sickly sweet answer will I come up with? Oh I can be good at deception when it depends on survival.
Another love affair bites the dust.
Switch the three diamonds to the other hand. The promise is broken, but I will not forget.
I wear the mink stole next to my naked skin, it comforts me somehow.
I do not feel real, I am only half here, I do not see my reflection in the mirror.
Reece says my eyes are very green.
I wish I could stay and learn more from her, she is a born teacher.
She has paid the price of being a free spirit as well.
She knows things, I can only begin to guess. She will approve that I am moving on, however melancholy.

The Boise People want to invite me to champagne soirees for the baby's. I dislike the tediousness of their
parties, finding that I am the most interesting person at them. The ridiculousness of their drunkenness and futility.
I will politely decline and walk the streets in darkness, I prefer my own morbid thoughts.