PHU KU

Friday I felt nauseous yet again, what is up with this? is this my new routine?
I just blunder through my morning, hoping it passes, get the boy up for school. I walk the stupid dog, he tries to remove my arm from it's socket. Man he is strong for a little dog.
Daine goes to school, I head to Boise for my job interview with Intermountain. She is in her meeting early, go figure. I fill out all the paperwork and redundant Job application. I always wonder why on a job app, the format asks the same questions twice. Is this because we have a short attention span and might miss the answer the first time it is asked? I don't know but I hate writing by hand and it irritates me to write the same thing over again.
I feel like writing, " See page one" or "Refer to the first time you asked stupid question."
So having balanced the job app in my lap, trying to write neatly, also noting that I don't have recent info on my past jobs, I am missing phone numbers and address' in some cases. Hell I am organized.
I contemplate Steven. Thinking, we have not built anything together. we only see each other briefly, maybe have some torrid love making or kissing. It is nice, but there isn't any interaction on a intellectual level. I think we are losing each other. His plate is piled high and I am on the bottom. Being the kind of woman that I am, it's either all or nothing thank you very much.
I could go through the great drama of giving him the boot, but I think it will solve itself soon. He is withdrawing from me, I feel it. couple of months I will be free again. I am so lonely in this relationship. It is worse then being single. I am supposed to feel bad if I go out with anyone else. I don't feel bad so much, only like I am dishonest, but if I mention it to Steven, he gets that look in his eyes, that is anything but hurt, it is more.. competitive.
I think it could have been good, but it started out all wrong and moved to fast into physical.
YEAH I know, time will tell. It is always about time you know.
After the non existent job interview,I went to BSU to see about getting more money on my loans. OOOH its piling up on me. I need to get the loan paid off that I took on my car. They will not hesitate to take the car, and that would be very inconvenient.
After pay day on Thursday, I had thirty dollars and six cents in my account. Rent is paid. Only rent however. There is still Power, Gas, Cable,Telephone, Target,Gas for my car... sigh.... I need dog food too. Sherman doesn't care that much, he thinks I could just cook him up a steak for the day.
Wish I could take Daine to see a movie too, maybe he girl friend Shelby could go. He gets a bit pink when I call Shelby his girlfriend.
After BSU, I went to work at the Idaho Water After that I went to get my son Daine and then home. I was feeling crappy again, so I laid down for a twenty minute nap. Poor Son, he needs some fun in his life too. OOH I hope I get that loan increase, I am going to take him to a movie, maybe buy him a Karate instruction video, he would like that till I can get him classes.


NEXT the big important news!!
Janelle was hired at St Luke's, out of ten candidates she was number one! I asked her, "HOW does it feel to be number one?"
She is a bit bemused by that. Great job Janelle!! she has worked hard, and at times wondered if it was all worth it. Apparently after her interview the two nurses turned to each other and said, "she is hired." she was the first choice.
No question in my mind at how great she is going to be. She is pretty fearless and has a lot of common sense.
I think she has a lucky star on her shoulder lately, I hope it sends some luck my way.
She graduates from BSU Nursing Department in May and will be working in June, I think.

Here we go again! Orgasmic

My daughter has a job interview today for St. Lukes Ni-cu Department, working with new born baby's. She is excited and nervous. I helped her pick out a new suit. She looks great in it I know even though I didn't see it on. It's a deep black, classy cut, and she bought a red silky shirt to go underneath the jacket.
If she gets the job, she will be hired right after she graduates in May from BSU. WE are so happy and proud of her. She did it!! even having three daughters born along the way. I am waiting to hear how it goes!
I have a job interview tomorrow. I am doing that before I go to work at the Boise Water Center in town. I don't like days that have several things shoved in together. I am having all kinds of anxiety, I even got lost on my way home from work last night. Don't think I want to be medicated though.. seems the cure is worse then the condition.

Dr. Turner wants to put me on Abilify.

I am afraid to take it to be honest; it looks like the same shit as Seroquel. Do you think Dr. Turner thinks I am a psycho? I haven’t been diagnosed as one, but I am beginning to lose trust in him.

I am ANXIOUS and PISSED off dammit, not Bi Polar or Schizophrenic.

I see him next week; perhaps I should wear the purple feather boa and my combat boots.

People have no VISION

It is STILL Broken

I was ready for a real relationship.
One where two people make a commitment to each other.
Nothing can be hidden; nothing can be taken for granted.
Patience is not a virtue of mine.
And I never share what is mine, I am selfish, self centered, demanding and insecure.
SO bite me.

It was broke when I got there

I am resentful, jealous, and abandoned.
What did you expect loving a married man?
Oh yes we know the story about how the marriage has been over for years, and he doesn't have baggage, because he has already moved on, and he has something to work out with her and he is gettng an apartment in March.
Thankfully his wife keeps him so busy I don’t have to worry about him cheating on her and me.
JEEZ do I hear myself?
Thanks for the effort pig eyed dog molester.
Radio silence days, and I know I deserve some attention and I know I am getting exactly what I deserve for believeing. Today I take my life back, today I am the control of radio silence. Don't wanna be a self fullfilling proclamation, what can I expect, no one knows not even Dr. Turner or Dr. Armentrout. Something tells me to keep on. I let myself get swallowed up, I let myself.

What the F?

I decided to quit taking that seroquil stuff. I have some very odd symptoms I think I know my body well enough to say I am OK, not my own mind apparently.
I cannot put up with the uncontrollable leg and arm movements 30 minutes after taking it. This lasts a good two hours and won't let me sleep. I even tried taking it early, and going through the side effects before bed, or just before bed, and getting to sleep before they hit, and they wake me up with my legs and arms going all over the place tearing up my bed, murdering my pillows in the dark. Also.. it interferes with my serious drinking time. OH yes I know we are thinking, however I only like a shot of scotch, and if I take that medicine I cannot have any, and that really pisses me off.
Nobody is going to take my rights away without a fight. Sorry Dr. Turner, I am on my own. I am enjoying my bout of anxiety, with no head noises, unwanted jolts of temper, or unnecessary leg and arm movements. I think I am finished with the psycho part of weaning off Paxil and I think the seroquit did a great job of helping, but I am fucking done being a fat fuzzy Guinea pig. I am off refusing anymore help. That's gratitude for you.

----Contact your doctor immediately or seek medical attention if you experience uncontrollable movements of the mouth, tongue, cheeks, jaw, arms, or legs.
Contact your doctor immediately or seek medical attention if you experience fever, sweating, severe muscle stiffness (rigidity), confusion, fast or irregular heart beats. These could be symptoms of a potentially fatal side effect called Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome (NMS).---
YAAY is the cure worse then the malady?