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Thursday, February 09, 2006

Someone take these dreams away

I wonder why I am writing this. I tried to resist, but the thoughts won’t go away, they hold me hostage, then I realize partly why. It is an anniversary. My meager psychology courses have taught me about anniversary dates for trauma victims. The anniversary date comes, the victim becomes increasingly agitated. I must now impose on your indulgence. I wish there was another way, but the voices are calling me, and I have to.
We watch the Movie, “The Crow” 1994, Brandon Lee. It all ties together with the song “Dead Souls” by Nine Inch Nails.
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/album/7818.html Interview. Originally released in 1994, Trent Reznor created THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL as both a concept album and modern day classic. This influential 90’s classic is Trent Reznor’s industrial cum-tragic opera view of the world and the soul’s sonically detailed fall from grace. The Downward Spiral delves into despair and anger with hard guitars and brutal beats. . .
That pretty much sums it up, “Despair and anger”. It is a victim’s song.
We talk, we rehash, and we wonder what we could have done to hold off the catastrophic event. There is nothing to protect you. You do everything you can to be safe, then realize the front door is unlocked, how futile how foolish we are.
Listen to the quiet desperation in the song, the steady beat, like a war march. It brings to mind that in spite of the event, nothing will hold us prisoner; we will do what it takes to get through this invasion of peace. The feelings of anger have resurfaced, so we need to work on them some more. We work on them again and again.
Perhaps I am a bad mother; I let the victim, watch the movie. It is not a child’s movie. Most of his life I have protected what he watched and carefully guarded what he read. After he was brutally raped and tortured, I thought his world of “Veggie Tales” and nursery rhymes had been dispelled. A victim deserves a powerful movie of violence and the weak winning. I was correct, he relates to the movie, and it opened doors for more discussion. I asked him if he understood why I let him watch such a powerfully violent movie. He said he knew. He knew because the good guy comes back from the grave and puts everything right as best he can. He likes the crow watching over the fallen hero, he likes the soul being carried to the grave after the evil have been punished. Then he asks me, how long will Patrick be in prison for what he has done? I do not know I reply, but he cannot find you here. We are safe, we are a big family. I check to make sure the front door is locked.
The little Viking is in counseling, he is fine the doctors say, he will grow to be a good man, he will not do this to others.
Yeah Yeah he is fine... he is NOT freaking fine. He slept in a nest on the floor for a year, and I had to get rid of his toys and bed, anything that he associated with the crime. WE are not fine.

Dead Souls, I wonder how many walk amongst us without warning labels. I wonder why the crime is not punished by death.
The line, “figures from the past stand tall”, speaks to me of the power the past can have over us, it can still hurt us. We grow, we become stronger, and we become smarter.
Dain is currently in the second grade, he moved here from a small coastal town in Oregon to be around his sister and family. He shows signs of brilliance and amazing sensitivity to others.
Patrick Peil is a predator, he is in prison, we do not know how long, but I fear that the powers that be are more concerned with criminal rights then the rights of the innocent.
When this all came about two years ago, I could not get the parents of the other victims to help me put the monster away, no one wanted to talk of it or be aware. I had to fight it myself, I went on a campaign to alert the whole town, I did it so well that for my son’s privacy we had to move.
I still ask, “Someone take these dreams away.” I wonder what the Viking asks for.

Dead Souls


Dead Souls
Nine Inch Nails

Someone take these dreams away
That point me to another day
A duel of personalities
That stretch all true reality
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me

When figures from the past stand tall
And mocking voices ring the hall
Imperialistic house of prayer
Conquistadores who took their share

They keep calling me
Keep on calling me
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me

Calling me, calling me
Calling me, calling me

They keep calling me
Keep on calling me
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me

Written by: joy division
Performed by: trent reznor

Song lyric essay assignment

I had to tell the tale, I am so angry. I am filled with so much raw hate, when I think I am doing better it comes back to haunt me. There is no cure for a pedophile, they should all be dead, and they should be dead before they touch a child.
Reflecting? It is what I do, every day every waking moment. I have darkness in me that I cannot share with anyone. I hesitate even now, but I am consumed with grief for innocence murdered, and trust broken into a million pieces.
You cannot imagine the worst thing in the world happening to your child. You cannot even think such a horrible thought.
A mother prepares for the day he arrives, she imagines what kind of person he will be and how she will love him and nurture him. I dedicated myself to him and my love for him was so great that his fat little feet didn’t touch the ground till he was two years old. My angel boy my gift, his name had come to me in a dream. So he was Dain, a Viking warrior, a fat little cupid, that laughed continually.
I wanted to write about something else, I want to write about a Green Day song, that’s all about being different, and free from popular opinion. But this evil comes back to haunt me, if I write this essay, will it leave me in peace? Will it leave my dreams alone? Can I ever rest in simplicity, knowing what I recognize?
I am going to wish I had not started. The most difficult part of writing this assignment, was worrying about shocking people, or distressing anyone. Most people don’t like unpleasantness in any form, I am one of them. I prefer g-rated flicks to horror. I prefer fairy tales to shocking news stories, but like it or not I was forced to face one of the biggest challenges of my life, and now I am likening a song to it. The song is Dead Souls, which is what Pedophiles are. They steal virtue for their pleasure, they take what is not their’s with no sorrow.
My favorite part of the assignment was listening to music, trying to guess what I would pick. My eclectic taste, leads me to Moody Blues, Green Day, Nine Inch Nails, Orgy… I was searching for happy music or at the very least a fun protest song.
There it was, the blue eyes searching my face, the boy telling me that he felt ruined, that he didn’t know what to do with knowledge that wasn’t innocent. We talked and I told him because of what happened to him, he felt loss of control, and he wanted it back, I told him I would find him a counselor again, and he could talk about anything he wanted, but he must never share the knowledge with a child. I turned my face away so he would not see my misery.
I failed my only son, the child of my heart. I did not protect him from the evil that lurked in our lives, I did not know there was such evil, and nothing I can do will ever put it right. Fucking Nothing!
My least favorite part of this assignment was conjuring up the bad memories, and my desolation. I hope to exorcise this devil instead of feeding it.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Cluttered Writing

Who can understand the workings of an intelligent mind? When I read a paragraph written by a scholar; I am to understand the sentence and then feel enlightened and at ease with the new idea. However this was not the case when reading philosophy. It was like lawyer speak, I thought, “I must be so dumb, that I have to read this diatribe six times to understand a word of it”. I secretly thought. There are too many words; there are too many big words when a small word would have sufficed wonderfully. I felt sorry for the editor that had to wade through the muck of ideas. Oh man! If you could have read some of that stuff, I would love to quote, because you simply cannot imagine. Our professor likened philosophy to the roots of a tree, these roots spread out far and wide. Very wide.
Here is Dr. Schoedinger’s definition of “An essential characteristic”: Schoedinger, Andrew. "philosophy 101."
“An essential characteristic, a characteristic without which a thing would not be the type of thing that it is.”
I am not kidding he wrote that run on sentence.
Nevertheless, now that I have your shocked attention, let me get on with the point of this writing.
A writing teacher, named William Zinsser talks about how writers clutter up the page with unnecessary words, it was great text and I was overwhelmed with tears of joy that another old fart could actually complain about how writers resort to pompous frills and meaningless jargon. AMEN the people said.
William Zinnsser is no stranger to life or a newcomer, he is 84 years old, and about how old I estimate our revered philosophy professor is. Not that it matters, old people can be open minded and full of fresh ideas’ as any 20 year old, it depends on the thinker, not the thinking.
I highlighted most of what Mr. Zinsser wrote. It was wonderful, and I plan to use his ideas to help improve my writing, his ideas may have changed my life, now if I can only apply them.
Mr. Zinsser also said that if the reader is lost trying to read clutter, then it is not the fault of the reader but the fault of the writer, and what he said made a lot of sense to me. Keep in mind who your audience is, remember to simplify and make it interesting, not an easy task, but I am up for it.

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