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Friday, January 15, 2010

To Dwain

You trade what you have for what you don't know and hope you will be rewarded for your bravery.
It isn't bravery that leads you on but cowardice and laziness. Your own reality is tied up with pretty pink bows and you star as the hero with issues when in fact you are the villain and have made a grave mistake. I wonder what will happen when you realize what you have left behind?

I'm a Loser by Beck

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie
With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
Kill the headlights and put it in neutral
Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control
Baby’s in reno with the vitamin d
Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love-seat
Someone came sayin’ I’m insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Don’t believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park

Yo. cut it.

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

(double barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Forces of evil on a bozo nightmare
Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber
’cuz one’s got a weasel and the other’s got a flag
One’s on the pole, shove the other in a bag
With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job
The daytime crap of the folksinger club
He hung himself with a guitar string
A slab of turkey-neck and it’s hangin’ from a pigeon wing
You can’t write if you can’t relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax fallin’ on a termite
who's chokin’ on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheese whiz)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(drive-by body-pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
Soooooyy....

?em llik uoy t'nod yhw os ,ybab resol a m'I rodedreP nu yos
[It's the Chorus backwards]

(I’m a driver, I’m a winner; things are gonna change I can feel it)

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(I can’t believe you)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Nlehh...)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Sprechen Sie Deutsch hier, Baby!)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(know what I’m sayin’? )

Thursday, January 14, 2010

A different approach

I am still smarting over the "talking to" I had at work yesterday. Especially when they hire people like Goofy who is politically incorrect to the Nth degree. Janelle says, that I have the habit of saying the wrong thing to the people who matter. What I said was, "his parents have a lot to be thankful for." Somehow that translated to, The other kids aren't as special as "HE" is. WEll if you are going to infer things, get ready because I am full of the wrong thing to say, and I will probably do it again.
Not being perfect, and when people pick over every sentence and examine every word, I get even more tense and say even worse things. AND one of my favorite thoughts, "it is what it is." AND If they knew what I was thinking yesterday I would be fired. Thankfully no one can read my thoughts, well, maybe mine just a little bit.
The troubled kid "with issues" I had to take around shopping for three and a half hours wanted to look at guns... and my evil thought was, SURE! Give a retard a gun, this is good stuff here. I Told him that if he bought a gun I would not be able to transport it because it was against policy... SHEESH I was fast on my feet yesterday. He was full of violence yesterday, Talking about killing cats, and shooting people in the knee and defending his family against intruders. I think I am in a bit over my head.Everyone is a stupid asshole and no one knows what they are doing and Obama makes the prices too high at Walmart. Reminds me of someone... That's the paranoia. I do hope they don't ever put him with goofy, that will be the end of civilization as we know it. SIGH>>> Friday I am taking him to the animal shelter to volunteer taking care of CATS, I shudder at the thought.
Goofy set off my aspy kid in December by saying, " I bet Santa didn't come to your house" Chortle Chortle. You cannot kid around with an aspy kid, they take everything at face value and most of them do not joke around. He was told he was good, and he was furious at the inference. He started screaming and kicking. Goofy made it worse by saying, "Crabby today aren't we?" Chortle chortle. I walked my kid away and told him, he was teasing you, of course we know you were good. Calling him Aspy kid is "LABELING" you know, I am sick to death of the social worker mentality that everything is good, and a gift and we are all the same and have something to offer society. I think not. AND kick me for saying it. I think this little guy is going to be a successful adult, and I Think his parents are over reacting by labeling him aspy, because he seems normal to me, a bit spoiled and a bit hyper. Goodness knows what I have had to overcome in my life, and I wasn't labeled and given an old granny to take me shopping twice a week. I would have liked that. Especially if she had taught me math. Today I have Dr. A, which I don't even know what I am going to tell him, I feel like I am on a spiral to hell and there isn't enough time to tell it all in thirty five minutes. Then I see T my aspy kid which I wont' call him that anymore because I might slip. That would be workplace suicide. One wonders why the focus is on me when there are teenage girls there discussing their boy friends and movies in front of their charges, and taking them shopping with their friends and ignoring the kid they are supposed to be helping. LOTS of stuff going on that is far worse then my motor mouth.
AND I don't believe justice will serve itself either.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Bat Shit Crazy

One step beyond just plain crazy. It is usually a temporary thing...sparked by something unexpected, or just really awful.

Finished


If you do the same thing over and over and FINALLY get the results you were expecting does that still make you crazy if it worked? Just wondering. I followed the rules, my friend didn't follow the rules and she ended up in a better position. This life is all there is, I better get moving.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Next


THEN.. MD called in with a family emergency. SO I didn't work today. I put in for a job being a cashier at the dump. I have been averaging about 8 hours a week, this cannot go on. AT least there is something, but its not enough. Keep looking my gut says.
AND you... you know you make my toes curl. Go on with your open relationships. I want something real, I want something I can be proud of, I want something that is mine and mine alone, I don't want to share.

EG called in sick

At least he called this time. The last two times I showed up and he declined services. I asked the scheduler to find me another client. I have NEVER worked with EG and I think its time for them to move me on. I got a new client today. M This is the guy with anger issues, bi polar disorder, retarded and what else can life throw at him?
I liked him, I met him Friday. We both love animals, I am going to see about getting him a volunteer position at the animal shelter in Nampa. I don't know if I should ask them first (warn them) or just show up with M and go for it.
I pick him up today at Two. Anticipation, and anxiety, anything new makes my stomach hurt. One day I hope to be calmer and more at peace.
ONE day I hope to live in a cottage by the sea, and everybody can go get fucked. SIGGGHHHH

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Listening to Beck

What if it's wrong?
What if it's wrong
To pray in vain?
What does it mean
To fake your death?
To wake up tainted?


The futile hopelessness that colors my day is magnified by Beck lyrics.
Garlic breath from the mushroom omelet, tightness in the throat left over from cleaning kitchen and bathroom floors. EVERYTHING bugs me. Dainish went to Dwain and Janelle's house to scoop. I think I am going to dive into Terry Pratchett, I can't think of anything else I want to do.
Most things are in order, things are good.

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