Phantom James

Well, Raphael didn't work out. Thank goodness for Carole and thank goodness for Freecycle. Carole found a home for the pissing cat (Raphael)A farmer who wanted an outdoor cat. Bingo!
--Freecycle had a cat named Phantom James who needed a home. I took them a bag of catnip (grown by Carole) in exchange.
The phantom is checking out his new surroundings as we speak, and Sherman is being annoying as usual.

Sherman and his temper

Sherman had a temper tantrum. If packages arrive, or I buy groceries, he goes through them to find a dog present. If there is no dog present, he will take what he thinks is equivalent.
Daine got a coat in the mail, there was nothing for Sherman, while I was in the bath Daine left the package on the floor. Sherman shredded the package looking for something for himself. There was nothing, so he tore up the stamps and package, but he left the coat alone, sometimes even Sherman has limits on how naughty he will be.
I made Daine clean up the mess when I got out of the bath tub.
I still think Sherman is the smartest dog I ever met, that’s what makes him so difficult at times.
Glena squeaky clean.

Dreadfuls

I have the dreadfuls, and I cannot shake them. Over work, over relationship, over myself.
I need to call someone and talk myself down from the ledge, but there is no one to call. Armen is out of town, but even so, I would never never deem it so important of me to call him when I do not have a session.
Damn! All the times I have talked to him and not had any issues, and I am hit full in the face with the dreadfuls when there is no one to talk to.
Dreadfuls are brown and mucky like sludge. They stink, and they overwhelm, and they make me think of ending it all, sometimes I know what sets them off, other times like now, I am not sure, and I don't want to assess or analyze anything, I don't want to deal with this. I am hurt like a truck ran me over, and I have no apparent reason for it. NO one has said anything hurtful to me, and I have not said anything hurtful either. I have been in tight control of my jealousy, pettiness, envy, and hate, but now its like I am no longer in control, and they have swept me along. Walking in the sludge is no easy task. I don't know what to do, they were coming on yesterday, so I cleaned House, and I painted a bird house and some rocks, and I became all kinds of creative, and now I don't want to paint rocks, and I don't want to clean. I gave the cat away to a farmer. The cat pissed in the house all over the place, I cleaned up a lot of it, but the white carpet in the living room was the last straw. Sherman and Daine are a bit mad and upset. I will get a cat from the pound this time, one that has its shots and is neutered. I am sorry, and I miss the cat too, but he is better off as an outside cat. Maybe this brought on the dreadfuls?
Or maybe the college denying me more funds, I was counting on getting caught up on bills, now I cannot. I am overdrawn, and I don't get paid for over a week, and they keep mounting the charges with no forgiveness, I will never win, I will never pay my power, rent and cable for the computer. WE have so very little to keep down expenses, and still I cannot pay for it all. Maybe this brought on the dreadfuls? OR maybe all the extra hours I have been working to try and get caught up, and the puny paycheck that came with all those hours... HELL, maybe I have a good reason for the dreadfuls. Fuck it.

Moodies_Fan Moody Blues Place

Moodies_Fan Moody Blues Place

Moody Blues -Gypsy-

Glena's space

one foot in, the other foot out

Half way is not better then no way. It would be easier to not be connected with someone then constantly being 'she who waits' I have been here before. Am I taken? do I belong? I don't feel it, I feel alone, more alone then before him.
I know I will accept this a little while longer, then lunge forward in a quick move that will surprise me and him, but it will happen. I feel taken for granted, and once that feeling sets in, it would take a major event to get rid of it. I know what Dr. Armen and Turner think, and I watch them carefully arrange their expressions, and say, "HOW do you feel about this?" I say, "why do you even ask? You know it sux, and you know its temporary, I will only be miserable as long as I allow myself to be." Each in turn nods sagaciously, and I think... how much does this cost the state to have these two gentlemen agree with me? snicker snicker.
---I turn fifty in May, something will happen by then I think. I am going out to celebrate turning "half a century", I want to dance while my knees still hold out, I want to sing, I want to love being alive.
Maybe I will go to Oregon for my birthday, I know my friends would show me a great time.
Maybe too good a time!
I will feel loved and cared for instead of at the bottom of the list, that is for certain.
HE; Mr. Wolfy means well, but nothing seems to come to fruition, and I am a now kind of person. I never asked God for patience, because I know what I would get.
I don't want patience, I want things NOW.
I suppose that if He doesn't do anything nice for my birthdsay, I can count on how it will be for the rest of our time together. I have to be worshiped, or at the very least respected by my lover. Starts out me the terrified one, but I think once I started petting and feeding this wolf, he turned into a Labrador puppy, and has lost his scary edge, good and bad.
I don't like being terrified, but I dislike being bored even more. Watch out Wolfy, your day is about done.