Winter Solstice

It is the longest night of the year, to me this means that spring is closer, it means that there are only a few more months of cold darkness and light will settle on the earth again. As we know the more things change the more they stay the same, it is a constant circle in which we have no choice but to follow. Follow it around and around year after year, yesterday I was twenty, tomorrow I will be sixty, I have no control over time, I shall enjoy each day as best I can. I shall enjoy in spite of negative opinions from people who do not understand me, people who do not care to understand me, it is of little importance, I simply am.

I rejoice in the understanding that has made me who I am.

Well Amazing 28274

I lament too much, I need to live in the now, like Phantom James. He knocks things off my shelves, eats my plants, sits on the kitchen counter when I am trying to prepare dinner, and we all love him anyway. He has no worry about if he insulted us or not, he is loved, he knows it is that simple. Only lamenting humans complicate things.

you were my brother 28067

I have a few things I would like to say to you, but they all begin with "Kiss my ass" and end with "F+++ Off!" So I will leave it at that. You have always believed your were right by some Divine providence, you think you are god's chosen one to spread the news of your righteousness. I allowed it, I loved you. When you started sending me "Gun toting redneck mentality laced with righteous racism" on my email I was dismayed. Then the hate mail against anything that didn't follow your regime. Then I hear from a friend that you discussed me negatively with him. Do you know? Joe doesn't subscribe to your point of view either, and he said it must have been very hard growing up with a brother like that. The sweetest most decent christian man I know I brought over to meet you and you folded your arms and refused to talk to him. This is another prime example of your christian love isn't it?
I am finally through with you Keith, you are narrow minded, mean spirited, judgemental hateful jerk, and I don't care about you or your stupid opinions anymore.

mundane and weird and I don't know what. 27900

Well even I can smell change coming. Nothing simple, nothing easy, I feel dread for the up-coming doom. Shudder Shudder

Gramma! My crack hurts!

Me: "oooh, OK, well (explanation about hygiene practices) and do you need some lotion on your..er.. crack?"
Ava: "yes gramma that is what I need."
after the operation of lotion on crack, Ava announces "Gramma my crack still hurts."
Me: "Go to bed darling, I am sure it will feel better in the morning." Is this what they are calling it now?
I laid on couch till 1;30ish and watched cartoons with Daine. He fell asleep, and when the girls got home I went and got Andyroo and we had Jack in the Box at 2:00 in the morning.  Chicken Pita with peach ice tea. Acid reflux can handle Pita bread, and potatoes. So I eat a lot of that.
I think I am still losing weight, I am sad about my ass, its becoming flat like and old lady.....HEY!!

it is it is it really is THURSDAY!

I had this wonderful soliloquy running through my head earlier, of course I can't remember a word of it. I am resistant to change this I know. I will embrace it later on and think what a great idea change is, but in the beginning I am against it. I NEED another job, I am un-able to pay all the bills... big sucky.    My son is slipping through the cracks, waiting to hear from the good doctor A. Dain needs to see the good doctor. Dain needs my foot up his behind, but frankly after dealing with difficult children all day and being under paid for my services, I have little patience left over for the child of my old age. Should I give him away to a good home? The results of the poll are not back yet.

Can I go now?

Done done done... Really I smell the fog in the air, I think of new possibilities, and I dislike what I am doing now. Its time to go.

Dainish is messing up in school again. I told him to straighten up that computer and cell phone would become possession of the dictator, and he could quit making faces at me, my sight may be dim, but my intelligence isn't yet, and he is really making me mad. More faces and now he says he is sick. I wrote a letter to the teacher who emailed me that he isn't doing his work. She had said, how do we encourage him? Last year I had said a well placed boot up the butt, but she hadn't responded to that remark last year. So this year I said he needs to motivate himself or go to school till he is twenty. He has to take responsibility and suffer the consequences for his laziness. THE END.. dratted kid.

Ok, it is September

The time of year that fills me with deep longing. My feet want to move down the dusty path, my mind wants stimulating, and my heart longs for beauty.

I think

I think why am I so exhausted? My arms feel like lead, I can barely move.
My hours got cut again. It can't be helped, but I do not wish to get behind on rent yet again, H E L P !!
Universe hear me, I am a good person, honest and true, I deserve an f-ing break for petes sake.
You get your P H D, how happy you will be when you get a job at wendy's and are honored with employee of the month!! I think never is enough.. yeah never is enough.... Bare Naked Ladies.
In spite of Reflux I am and the dog are going to have a glass of Reisling for dinner. Dainish can have a frozen burrito, preferably thawed first.

I am feeling, "good thing I have a sense of humor".
I am feeling, that I finished the place yesterday! it looks great, though a tad bit tight. A big person wouldn't be able to manuever around the tight corners I have made for us.
It all shall pass, so I am not going to waste a single day on what might have been.
My friend Andy took off to Portland Oregon, he is supposed to be my boyfriend, but he behaves in an un-boyfriend-like manner. So sometimes I call him the un-boyfriend. Sometimes ratassbastard too. Only he is a kind hearted person, just doesn't understand my standards. I try not to be so hard on him, but it is difficult. He has his own secret life, and when I needed help he left me on my own. So I never feel that I can depend on him when it is very important to depend on him. This leaves me to believe that I can do as I damn well please. Perhaps I will.

Me

2000

ok, I will wander off now and feed the viking.... I wish he was three and I was still in Oregon, and Idaho is only a bad dream I had because I ate pickles before bed. I wish I didn't know what I know now, and I wish I still had faith.

tell me something beautiful

WELL inspite of everything, I still feel optomistic and happy.

I think never is enough, I never want to do that stuff!

We are in a 550 square foot apartment, and yeah, somehow I made it fit. I might even like it here, except for the Sea Hag. AAAARHHHGG MATEY! How many cats does she have? She says about me. The answer?! ONE, he changes color, very rare. In the mean time I have a stuffed cat and a carved bear in the window, trying to throw her off the track. She isn't too bright, so it might work. Sad, she is ugly, mean and stupid. I wonder what made her like this?

Nothing is never enough

Adventure number 9076 I think. The partial payments that I have been paying on rent are no longer to be accepted and I was told to be out by the weekend. I of course cannot be out by the weekend, but I don't know how long I have legally.
Domino effect, I got a ticket yesterday for making a right hand turn at a red light. There is a sign that says not to do it, but I didn't see the sign... hmmm that sounds prophetic. 85 dollars for that seems a bit stiff.
Andy is being a wooose again. SO BE IT! My animals is my biggest worry, I don't want to give up my kitties. What can be done for them?
AND insurance cut off my nexium again. I am not healed yet, I wish I could eat fresh fruits and vegatables, but we don't have enough of anything right now, and Daine doesn't leave the house, I fear he is very depressed. I don't know how much more I can handle. BUT... I always say that. This too shall pass, somehow, some way.

Today didn't suck so bad...26747

WELL I spent the rent money on car repair, and the manager of the complex says she thinks I am getting booted out,so I asked a friend if we could hole up at his place, and he said no. So I am thinking what should I sell and what should I store? I have had enough of hand to mouth, one little unexpected unforseen event and I am out on my ass. Sick to death of it.
IF only, but there you have it, I had to fix the car; without car, no job, no job can't pay rent anyway, HELLO!~
I was getting caught up slowly however it was too slow, I still owe 688.00 and the next month is right around the corner, why do I whine? this is the sort of thing I can expect working for 8 bucks an hour.
AND... I don't care, I don't care.
I got through monday, I am subbing this week, and some of the kids I get are hard to handle, today's presentation wasn't half bad. I had warnings of violent behaviour and swearing, and it never happened. Perhaps the honeymoon period? You can never tell, but we went to a rodeo at the Idaho center, and swimming for the later half of the day, didn't get our goals done, I told her tomorrow we really have to make an effort.
Tuesday looms ahead, and I was trying for positive, what the hell, I can always expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised.
I didn't see Cruella Deville once today, that makes the day even better.

I don't know why you are on my facebook, I can't stand you.

It's Sunday again! EEEp. I have so much fun in store for me that I can't believe my self.
The apartment is finally clean, I have put off scrubbing the floors for weeks, now it feels better in here.
Since our last chat, I have a new car, and I have been seeing andyroo. Right! I don't know, nothing gets better then sitting on the couch watching PBS with four pets. No car chases, no crude jokes, no dummy down my intellect.
Ahhh alone-ness has its glamor.
Kevin, morbid curiosity is a dumb idea at this point in our lives, I should just forget and move on. Dave, it looks like we aren't going to plan that trip in the near future.
Sherman! you are my number one friend, just live a long time and I will keep feeding you Iams and taking you for long walks.

Me

B L E C K !

The dreaded Sunday Evening blues. Tomorrow starts the whole cycle again, and I didn't even get to enjoy the weekend too much. for all my complaining, I now have a clean house, except for the mystery odor by my computer.

How can anyone write so much shit about nothing?

I think a lot of people in the social work fields are big fat phonies. AND if that stupid cow gets in my face once more with, "Isn't that right Glena!!!" I may have to turn and walk away.. I am non violent, but I visualize Godzilla stepping on her fake smiling face. And unfortunatly I am not a poker face, I think she read it in my expression one day. She leans into me and talks in a high pitch voice like I am a wild animal. Some of the autistic kids have pinched her, I sympathise with the children.
I am just bitchy because I offered to help a friend, and I had to haul out 12 bags of clothes that reek of cigarettes. They are so bad you can smell them outside my apartment. I washed some, but then my wash machine sprang a leak and flooded the apartment, and... I think the cats thought that was permission to pee in there... and they never do that, and... the landlord caught my dog running without a leash, and... my son gives me a deer in the head lights stare when I ask him to help out. Yesterday after a grueling challenging day, several people stopped me to chat before I could get into the apartment. After two hours of chat, I slipped into the apartment, only to be seen by the sweet old lady with the funky dog, and she peeks into my window to talk to me about my cats, so I offer her one.. she then leaves rather quickly..then my sunshine best friend shows up and everything is allright again, except the laundry and smell, and stupid cats...then I realize that stress is the nector of life and I still have a half a bottle of tequilla, oh baby baby!
Anyway, I am smiling, so read my bitchy self with a smile!
Glena

Flying Fox Bats at Boise Zoo

The picture was taken in a red light, so its not very clear.

Monday Monday..............26224

How I hate that day. Reminder to self, "SELF, when you wish to remain invisible, don't dye your hair an obnoxious red shade, bordering on hideous" I am very noticeable. Dumb ass. So Day one went ok, 4 1/2 hours with one kid, then 4 1/2 hours with another. I started at 8:30 and was finished by six. Long day, and tomorrow is another of the same. Chaos, joy, exhaustion, and trying to remember where I am supposed to be at different times of the day.

I have sinned greatly against all mankind 26198

But I didn't mean to!
I took out five totes of toys that the boy never played with since.. like 2oo6 or something and some of them were stuffed animals. But.. not Sherman the black sheep, or the bat, or dragon, or gecko frog, or the sea turtle. However apparently the others had sentimental significance that I was not aware of. He is thirteen and borderline goth, and how was I to know?
I re hauled the whole bedroom and put him to work, I threw out my large pale green rug,that's all about 17 years old, and my huge towering cat post with all the shelves and posts to scratch, and lots of other things, I traded desks with Daine. He got the big roll top and I got the old TV console from the sixties, that I like as a desk. And I got the kitties a flat scratcher and some new toys, and I am still cleaning. I had three beers, the new Henry's Summer Ale, and I dyed my hair a very wild red. I am going to bed now, thank you very much for your time.

Tuesday Afternoon----26143

I don't watch very much TV, I like "the good wife" and "bones" and that Cop show from California, it's after the CSI one with what's his name in it... see what I mean? That one has the Goth chick in it that knows everything. I don't like too many cop shows or morbid CSI shows, too damn many of them on TV in my opinion. I am the sensitive viewer.. I like Sci Fi or fantasy, a little action adventure sometimes, but nothing too gory.
I don't watch sports, I don't watch nascar, I don't care if people do, it certainly is a harmless pastime.
I like barbecue, at the apartments we have to use the gas grill, in my opinion that's just steaming the food, I like Cooking over hard wood the best, but briquette's will do in a pinch.
I usually have something with lots of veggies and tofu on it. Not going to inflict that on anyone else, I have meat issues... NO I am not a militant Vegetarian, I eat meat, I just don't as often. My son eats a lot of meat, I think it's good for kids.
For dinner, I had raw carrots, cherry tomatoes, avocado,yellow corn tortilla chips, and a few bing cherries.
Oh and a container of blueberry yogurt. Daine had the subway sandwich, and the rest of the stuff. HEY! I worked all day I wasn't interested in cooking a big dinner, especially after a visit to WALMART. The dreaded walmart, you know, its just anti-American.. walmart is. I was hoping to get in and out, but I got behind the "people of walmart" I cannot believe the people that shop there.The guy in front of me had a loaded down cart, I was looking at all the junk food thinking, that I would like to go home with him, mine had all health conscience stuff in it, Some meat, mostly veggies, tofu, yogurt. I did have a polish sausage in there, I like those, but my stomach doesn't like them, so I eat them rarely. Anyway the guy in front of me, looked like some gangster type, and I wasn't watching him, but all of a sudden he is beat red and taking stuff out of the cart and putting it back, the poor guy didn't have enough money, and he tried time and again to get the amount right. Eventually he had a number he could afford and payed and left, I felt bad for him, the line had gotten long behind me, and the cashier was sympathetic but trying to hurry him up. I have been there before many times, and I avoided looking at him to save face, I began to patiently look at the magazines on cellulose and fat movie stars, I was almost ready to hum a little tune.
My dog was happy to see me when I got home, the 13 year old was engrossed in a video game, and I interrupted it to enlist his help in carrying the few groceries.
Soon school will be out, and he is NOT going to sit on his behind all summer, I won't allow that.
The butterflies are out of their house, and the ladybug larvae are mostly legs up, I wrote and told insectlore.com they said they would send me more bugs, I think that's nice of them, I don't know why the lady bugs didn't make it, they have in the past.
I am going to park it on the couch with my silly dog and watch that CSI show with whats his name.. hope your evening is lovely.

Lyrics by the Wrens; Miss me

everyone was talking
about the minutes
that you walked into the room
and how you made them listen
to your bitching
and you're leaving me real soon
i don't wanna hear you miss me, miss me
i don't wanna hear you talk about it
i don't wanna hear you miss me, i don't, i don't wanna
you miss me now, you've messed me up
you miss me, miss me now
you've messed me up, you miss me

thought he was so perfect
never noticing the sucker i'd become
then i hear through your best friends
that your sick off me, i'm not the only one
and everyone said, "it's over, tough"
everyone said it's over, tough
but i was not listening
until you called me up that night
told me that you had to say, goodbye

and i don't want to hear a word about you
the shit you're gonna work through
your going to find, your going to find, you, you
you miss me now, you mest me up
you miss me, miss me now, you've messed me up
you miss me, miss me now, you've messed me up
you miss me, miss me now, you've messed me up
you miss me, you miss me

don't know what you got on me
i'll even it, just you wait and see, yeah
that i'll get my way with you
then we'll see exactly who left who
and i don't wanna hear you miss me, miss me
i don't wanna hear you talk about us
i don't wanna hear you miss me, i don't, i don't wanna
you miss me now, you've messed me up
you miss me, miss me now, you've messed me up
you miss me, miss me now, you've messed me up
you miss me, miss me now, you've messed me up
you miss me, you miss me

Simple

I want to move back to the Oregon coast, or perhaps Washington.
When I dream; I dream big. I Think about a small cottage by the sea. I am not greedy, I don't need a large house, or fine car, I just need enough.
This wasn't how I planned things either, this being alone stuff. However I am not willing to settle, alone is better then settling. my company is predictable. I am the most honest person I have ever met, I would like someone around who has integrity like I do, and that off sense of humor, and the joy that I have even when things are shit, I can still see the good.
I constantly care about people, and I have the imagination to see how things can be, but no man has fit that plan, and I wonder about myself at times. I have been divorced 15 years, and the baggage is mostly gone, I don't think about the things I left behind, only the thankfulness I have for finally being free from the abuse and broken promises. When I was young I was very pretty and men wanted to acquire me, now that I am older, men my age would prefere to date woman my daughters' age. Men my age are hard to come by. The thing is, I like men, I always have. I have two fantastic brothers. And I think I am rambling! I like to talk. I tend to talk too much, I am working on the listening part. People have things to say and I want to know what it is. Other times I think... its all crap and I have better things to do, HA!
Picture this:
A stone cottage set back from the rocks, green ground; so green, you can't describe the many shades. Goats, and dogs and cats, and the sound of water crashing on those rocks.
A long walk on the beach every morning and the dogs running up ahead chasing the seagull. Me hoping the dog never catches a bird, because he tries.
I am thinking... of making soap and candles with all that goat milk and selling it in town, I want to create something beautiful, I want to make a living that doesn't require depending on a company's opinion of me, good or bad. I want freedom I guess. AND I think it is poached egg time, I fix the dog one every morning too.
They boy is still asleep, he probably will sleep till noon. I think he has grown 4 inches in one month, how do kids do that? It has to hurt to grow so much so fast!
He turned thirteen yesterday, and he is still a very nice kid to have around.

I put on my bitch boots at the dr. office 26088

So, the famous Dr. Wood said that I have too much stomach acid, stomach nodules, Gerd, Acid Reflux, and a healing stomach ulcer.
She said she would like to explore allergy possibilities. I don't have trouble with allergies, we already know what is wrong with me, why don't we fix it? She didn't like that answer, and I noticed her looking at her watch and yawning. So I said in a last ditch attempt to get some of her attention, I have a sore throat, she handed me a throat lozenge and scooted me out of the office. I told her I was not going to see the allergist. Insurance has its limits stupid cow!
So I am at least better on the medication, perhaps it will continue to get better. I have a great dislike for this doctor's office.

I am inconvenienced, but not down for the count

Remember, a month ago, I asked for all the Doctor days off from work. I get these days off without pay. I cannot afford anymore Doctor visits for petes sake!
Yesterday, I thought was my final consultation with Dr. Wood in Meridian. 15 mile drive.
The car wouldn't go into gear, I was panicked, as you probably guessed, I was going to be a half hour early, but I allow time for getting lost, or the freeway being backed up.
I got the maintenance man for the complex to help me push it back into its parking spot. I had just filled the clutch reservoir, apparently the clutch needed more pumping. Mr. L said it should work... knowing he knows nothing of cars, I took the promise with optimism anyway and headed out. Grinding gears all the way. About kings road it wouldn't go into gear. GRIND! GRIND! (insert a few swear words!) I am not going anywhere. Still running... which maybe isn't the smartest idea, I hopped out... in the middle of traffic and start pushing El Gordo Blue off the road, (I hope) Cars whizzing by me just barely missing my behind and then a sweet little gramma type came driving by to help. She said she would not leave me if I was stranded, she had her grandchildren in the car. Who ever she was, she was an angel. I had already called Smith Towing. However much I didn't want to call Smith Towing, and I wasn't even sure "HE" would come and save me anyway, as he has many mixed feelings about me. sigh, most men from my past have mixed feelings about me.
Smith Towing did come to save the day, he knows what is wrong with the car, its going to be a 75. dollar part, I will have to get that come pay day next week. Meanwhile I am still going to have to drive it and fill the clutch reservoir constantly.
So Andy says, "You better call the Dr. and tell them you are going to be late." That was a good idea, and so I did, and the dr.'s office said my appointment was Wednesday. OK... good thing Andy told me to call.
Meanwhile, Poor Andy is trying to talk to Sherman, who initially wagged his tail and acknowledged Andy, but then wouldn't have anything to do with him. You could see it in Sherman's eyes. Sherman has a long long memory. After Andy had left, Sherman went to the place Andy parked his car for two weeks, then one day he gave up and moved on. So did I.
So I finished the day working that clutch and hoping for the best. I got the day done. Today I don't go to work till 12:30. Doctor appointment tomorrow morning, and I took the morning off without pay, Right! So I am thinking this will be the end of this until I have to have my stomach operated on and I can put that off till September or something so I can work my summer schedule and get out of debt. That's the plan.
So then.. Dr. Wood's office called and told me rather blithely they had to re-schedule my appointment. I whined a little bit... ok a lot. I told them, I took the day off without pay, I cannot take anymore days off, and could someone just tell me the news over the phone? I will not be able to schedule anymore Dr. Appointments. I have had four. that's enough!
I talked to three different women in the office,they were trying to schedule me for June, I said, no go. I start my new work schedule; tomorrow is the last day I am taking off, sorry, I would have liked to talk to the doctor, but I see its impossible. I know there was the underlying edge of kiss my ass in my tone, but I don't care, I am going to work as long as I can. So they put another nurse on the phone and she said, "I am looking at your results, you really need to see the dr." I said, can you give me a hint? She said... "well there is definite reflux." JEEZ LOUISE I knew that Einstein, but I kept my silence. She said, I will call you back, I am not going to let them cancel your appointment. This was a first for me. So she did call me back in 15 minutes and told me I had the same appointment and see me tomorrow. What the heck?! Oh well I guess whining can pay off sometimes.

More fun 25424

24 hour Stomach Ph Test. They make you snort a syringe full of numbing liquid till you feel you are going to drown, then they put a tube in your snout with huge beads on it, while they count how deep it's going. then they pour saline solution on your tongue and tell you to swallow while you are laying flat on your back...more feelings of drowning. After 20 times of that they pull that tube out and put a smaller one in, every time I breath or swallow the damn thing pulls on my sinus. The technician did say, that my swallowing was very good, but the acid ph was sure high in my stomach.... duh. I Think my vision is clouded in my left eye, my nose is dripping.it hurt my ears when they put the first tube in. I have no idea the connection there. I had a few moments of panic. NOW I have to wait until tomorrow to have this thing removed. Eating is hell, it makes the tube go deeper in my stomach, then it slides back up when it hits the end of it's leash. The tube is connected to a box that hangs around my neck and records stomach data.

Total disregard

I picked up my son yesterday from his sister's house and took him to world market. We bought important things that are not on the budget.
A Mentos bomb,(you put mentos candy in a 2 liter bottle of coke.) Zots candy, Gummi Melon candy from Japan, and Hazel nut filled Linder balls.
Sometimes you just have to live recklessly.
Daine wanted to set off the explosion with his best friend Joey, Joey never called him back, we might just have to do it ourselves. He wants to film it.
13 year olds are not hard to entertain.

Ford Aerostar done for

My oldest was in a carwreck today. The two little ones were with her. I was so shook up, I took my client and we went to pick her up from down town Nampa. I had to see for myself that she was ok. She is small, those STUPID air bags could have killed her.
She is now car hunting with her sister.
Hope all goes well on that note.
I am so glad they are ok. This is an understatement, I cannot imagine another tragedy in our family just yet.

BUGS bugs...bats..frogs..turtles 24696

Every year since Daine was three, I have bought catapillars for his birthday. They have always been ready to be let lose on his birthday, it just worked out that way, once or twice, I received them on his birthday and they were ready the week after. I really enjoy them. I bought ladybug larvae a few years back. Last year, no job so I couldn't afford the bugs. This year, he doesn't care he is thirteen, but I managed to get them anyway. I like them I have discovered.
I used to have a bat house. Now I want the spider frame. When I worked for Zamzows I was able to create lizard, turtle and tortoise environments. I learned a lot and I really enjoy taking care of creatures.
I would love to have a bat house again, they are not portable so I couldn't have one here at the apartment...or...
I have a bird house, the birds moved in before I cleaned it out. I read on the Good Housekeeping website that you are supposed to clean the bird house out every year so they can put new material in. Too late the birds have moved in again. I have no idea when would be a good time to clean it out now, probably not till fall.

Saturday at the Dog Park

Jeez... I must be that odd woman that people shun in public places. We talk to everyone. I was walking with Daine and Sherman at the dog park,first I talked to the young woman who was sitting on the bench letting her dog play. Her dog was waiting at the gate for Sherman, and they ran and rolled and chased each other. It was like her dog knew Sherman was coming. Then I talked to a woman with three dogs. I was walking the loop and another person came around the corner with a beagle mix. I started talking to him. I WASN'T following him. He just happened to be going the same way Daine and I were going with Sherman. After a few minutes, he said, "Well I am off now." and gave me a nervous look. I didn't think anything of it and continued on my walk with the kid and dog. Then I noticed he was still in the park and shooting me concerned glances like apparently he thought I was following him. What a dip stick! He wasn't even hot, but he must have thought he was. I was so embarrassed, I didn't get that he was avoiding me. What the hell!
I told my daughter about it, I was really bugged, I thought suddenly is this how people see me? Do I think I am friendly and they think I am odd? She said, "hmm we talk to everyone when we walk the dogs." Enough time spent on this, he just didn't get the friendliness rule I guess. It will still make me stop and think before I talk to people anymore. I have had people run from me before. Usually I was carrying a religious track...hee hee

Sunday

I would like to enjoy Sunday, but there is always the feeling of impending doom. Meaning Monday. I hate my job so much, that it screws up Sunday for me.
The merry-go-round starts again. Not knowing if there are cancellations, getting sent to the wrong place, being spied on. Dealing with difficult children in public places.
What I want, is a new car and a big box of money sent to me. I don't want to work, I want to pay off my college loan, and other acrued debts, and live by the sea, and be left the hell alone..amen.

cancellation frustration

As usual, the company didn't call me and tell me I had cancellations. Not to hard to figure out EL would cancel, his mother wants me to perform miracles, but she is quick to limit his exposure to me. She thinks it's my fault that EL isn't progressing beyond a certain point on his DMV studies. Good Luck with that, I can only pour so much info in, he has to do the retaining part.
TH is out of town, but no one bothered to call me, I called the school before I headed out for our work together. I needed a break from that wild flower anyway. Next is AK autism kid. Wednesday she said in a voice straight out of the exorcist, "I HATE YOU" I said in the same voice back, "TOO BAD YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME"
This made AK laugh out loud. I sure do like that kid, but the ignoring she does of me is very trying. Wednesday I told her it was time to go, she ignored me, so I picked her up and stuck her under my arm, I said, "Look at this, I have an A----- under my arm." she thought that was uproariously funny too.
Fridays we go to the center for an hour. I dislike (HATE) the center, it's total chaos, kids running screaming pitching fits, crowded, no place to sit down and do our goals. Plus there is the added terror of running into the smug bitch. I would skip it all together and do our goals at the library, but they are still on Glena watch.
Wednesday, AK and I were at Freddies playing with a jack-in-the-box. She had her face very close, and I was standing right behind her. I said, "watch your nose." and at that moment my trainer was standing behind me talking to me. GAWD I hate being spied on, its freaking rude. It's like they are trying to catch me doing something wrong, and I am very tired of it. Lucky for me, I was where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be. BUT... they can bite my rosy behind. I am sick to death of them, when they have other employees they really should be watching, they follow me. I think they should call and let me know they are coming instead of the sneaking thing. I want to quit. JERKS!
They pay me very little for all the crap I have to put up with.
I had a cancellation yesterday, so Fb called me and gave me a substitute position. It was in Caldwell. My GPS did the oddest thing, it kept directing me back to Boise and telling me it was west. It has never done this before, and it kept taking me to an address and saying I had arrived, but it wasn't the same street or anything. Janelle said hers tried to kill her the other day, insisting she turn into the lake, over and over it re-directed her to turn into the lake. Interesting.
I rely on that stupid GPS, that even though I knew it was taking me the wrong way, I kept giving it the benefit of the doubt, hoping it was taking some odd round about short cut. It wasn't. The fool thing is probably evil, and was laughing its little electronic ass off.
I finally made it to Caldwell, and picked up the three year old boy I had never met before. I did not take him to the center. When I am substituting, I hate taking someone there that I do not know, under the watchful eye of fearless leader and smug bitch. The little guy was so sweet, and so well behaved for me, that I broke a rule and bought him a match box truck (1 dollar) his little face lit up, he said, "For me? Mine?" I said yes, that one is yours. AND I am not sorry either, neener neeener neener.

OMG Chicken!

Today I am making my modified version of Sis in law's Chicken.
Chicken breasts soaked in buttermilk, then coated with bread crumbs,Parmesan cheese, herbs and baked at 350 for an hour.
The first time I served it Daine said, OMG! chicken, so I have called it that ever since.
I have fresh green beans and romaine salad. I am eating it no matter what my stupid stomach says.
It's weird, I can eat chicken, but salad bothers me now.
Well I am off to figure out what I want to do with the tofu.

HA! Fireflys is stuck in my head

It is whimsical, sad, and sweet.
$100.00 appeared in my checking account!! oh YAY!
No more beans for us.
Yesterday, I had three chicken patties in the freezer, I was planning on making a meal for Daine and me. I got home and he had eaten all three of them. After the first initial disappointment, I told him it isn't that you ate them, it's that you ate all of them, you ate my dinner too. He was nearly in tears, that isn't my goal to make him cry, my goal is to make him think.
Sigh.. he is still such a child, I love him so fiercly. How can I teach him when my heart is so tender toward him. I have not given him survival skills, I have sheltered and spoiled him.
Ahh well, I am buying two bags of frozen chicken patties. If only he would serve them with a bun, they would fill his empty belly better.

I either have money or I have time, but never both 23554

Bleah!! cat hair all over the keyboard. James! and he is eating my plants again. Why do I put up with him? Easy; he is James, such a lovely warm sweet cat. Fat sassy, he hauls socks out of the bedroom and yowls loudly, then drops them in the living room, I am not sure what this ritual is about, he does it everyday.
The sun is out, my paperwork is done, I don't have stomach cancer, I am getting more hours at work, the bills are paid. I have 5.20 in my checking account. Things are tight, we are eating turky soup for three days straight, but it's enough.
Today, more creative things to do with black beans. Poor Daine, he will be an outcast before too long.
DID I mention he is now taller then his sisters?! he was 4 foot 8 a year ago, now he is about five foot four. Getting taller and thinner and more muscular. Transitioning into teenager. He is very beatiful.
LAST YEAR

THIS YEAR

The Doctor's Office called 14 days and counting.

The official news is in.
Made me wait long enough I grumble.
Severe inflamation of the stomach, (no duh) the stomach empties out properly, which means I will probably get the operation to stop the acid reflux. and the nodules are cancer free. Don't know what they will do about the over production of acid though.
No Cancer. I have to say that I am somewhat thankful for this experience, it gave me new perspective on how people feel when they are terminal, it made me realize that there is so much junk in our lives that is un-important. Reminded me to be true to myself and fight for myself, no one else fights for me like I do.
Thank You Thank You!!

Tonie

I'm your greatest fan!

What I don't like, why suffer in silence?

1)Adorable little kids who belt out heart wrenching songs their over zealous parents put them up to.
2)Sentimental twaddle sent to me in the form of "true" stories in my e-mail
3)Cancer awareness week, every freaking month. We are aware, we know, we have known someone, we know we know, shut the hell up already.
4)Lies about socialized medicine, lies about Obama's birth origins, LIES period!
5)People who forward crap without researching it first to make sure its true. All the fake snopes sights I cannot begin to count.
6)Every stupid touching e-mail forwarded to me, you know who you are!
7)people, especially family members who don't like me unless I can do what they want.
8) ungrateful irritating entitled people.

what can be done about smug people

I know I should quit stewing about this. She is an asshole. She has her little degree, and she has her little cliche of people she hangs with, (all of them 30 years younger then her and very impressed with her) she has her power and her opinions.
I have such a hard time with injustice. I have a hard time when people see me incorrectly.
I am certain this job is going to end soon. I have tried to keep a positive attitude in spite of the bad review, I am doing my job better then ever, but the gray cast over everything doesn't go away. OOOH LET ME FIND A BETTER JOB SOON!!!
I think they are trying to wait me out, I got a surprise for them, I have no place to go, so I am clinging with sharp fingernails and teeth. They will have to fire me.
I would like to see some justice, but I have learned in life, that happens rarely, the insipid jerks in power go on and are well fed, the deserving hard working people continue to be misunderstood. Life isn't fair Mother said, she ought to know.

Afi puts a gray cast on everything

Tuesday, I go to school with the six year old. His diagnosis is Aspbergers and hyper active attention deficits. He is a pretty good kid, he doesn't respond well to change of plans. After school we went to the center (Where I work) and flew kites in the field, he was ecstatic he had never flown a kite before. I couldn't get him to quit dragging it on the ground. As most small children he was reluctant to roll up the string and try running with it again. When he got it up in the air, he kept running and this brought the kite down. All in all he had a blast.
I told him if there is wind we will try and fly them on Thursday. I have him two days a week for four hours each time.
The bad job review still hangs over my head and it's hard for me to be enthusiastic when they have marked me as a poor employee. They told me I am a few points above termination. I feel like anytime they will fire me.
They are not about facts, or making things work, they are about their opinions and blaming.

Wake up Wake up the sun!

I am thinking about moving to an upstairs apartment. I am kicking around the idea before I commit. There is a good and bad list, but mostly, I like living on the top, I can have my windows open and not feel like someone could break in. I like safety. I also don't like when the upstairs neighbors flood their apartment mine gets wet, nor do I like when they overload their garbage disposal my dump site in the laundry room explodes with remnants of dinner. DISGUSTING! When their air conditioner froze up; water filled my laundry room. My laundry room is the magnet for all the spillage, the linoleum is ruined in there. NOT my fault.
The carpets will have to be replaced, and there are some door frames that Sherman has scratched down to the wood, plus all the nail holes that I put into a place. I will most definitely lose the deposit, and possible owe more when they are finished assessing the damage here. Most of it wear and tear on very cheap linoleum and carpet. We are rather hard on places, not intentionally, it just works out that way. My best friend Tonie thinks its all do-able. What an optimist, she has no idea how much stuff is piled in here. I think a ton. Literally. I weighed it once. I pile and stack neatly, you cannot tell what is hidden in here.
Cleaning this place will be a bear, its so packed with book shelves and books, that it hasn't gotten a deep cleaning in awhile. I move things around and vacuum, but that isn't really cleaning. Then there is the ever permeating odor of dog. Eventually shampooing hides it, but it is still there to my offended nose.
I found out for 12.38 I can have the couch hauled away by the disposal company. What a deal! when I have 12.38 I will do this. I thought I might get some big pillows to toss on the floor until I can afford a couch. I cannot stand this red and green plaid couch. It is falling apart, the cushions won't stay put, it is too worn to donate to anyone but the landfill.
Bad things: I would have to change the mail, cable, gas and power. I would have to haul all that heavy stuff upstairs. I am not getting any younger, I dislike lifting heavy things. Tonie and her daughter are tiny, they think they are burly! I would rather have two brawny guys move the heavy stuff. ANYWAY, I am thinking about it. I live on the bottom right on the road, I don't like that, especially in summer when my windows are open. It would be so easy for someone to pop the screen and come right in. Unless the Cocker Spaniel was feeling territorial.

Change the Cat Box, The Musical

Don't you know we're riding the Marrakesh express22456

They're taking me to Marrakesh.
I am feeling fragile, I will be Discussing it later,ad nauseum.

My Tarot Cards YIPES

The card at the top represents one possible mask of your true destination. Nine of Artifacts (Pickman's Model), when reversed: Mental anguish or ill health endured and overcome. Refusal to be dragged down by the dishonor of others. Attempting to avert a shameful or regrettable act. Faithfulness, patience and unselfishness. May indicate the narrow avoidance of a death or other catastrophic loss.

Just Bento

How fun would it be to have a lunch like that every day?

scared

Under fifteen percent survive over five years. Nodules usually means stomach cancer.

Dist in cases

I don't want this to be one of those "famous last word" statements. But remember in the nineties when the doctor was 100 percent sure I had Multipleschrosis? It turned out I didn't have it, just fibermyalgia and over active nervous system.
Now it appears I may have stomach cancer. Just a note, if I end up living my last few months in a hospital bed wasting away from cancer, I am not going to be a gracious patient, and I am going to be a big drama queen and I am going to be difficult, they will drag me to the grave kicking and screaming. I want a recount! Dammit, and if I meet God on the other side I will explain to him about my lack of faith.

Terrible Job review

******** It was based on opinion and not fact. The good thing they said was Paper work is always finished and turned in on time. I am friendly and get along with my co-workers and my clients are genuinely cared about.
I guess they had to say the nice stuff or there would be no reason to keep me on. I am only a few points above termination.
They said I am not assertive enough, and I acted like I feared the client I had several months ago... Yeah the one that went to prison for his anger issues, the one that spontaneously wants to jump out of my car and pound on the window of the woman in the car in front of us. I just eased through our sessions. I said it was like having a rope attached to a hurricane standing on a cliff. I meant him. I was not trained to take him around for sessions. He was a scary person. What do they expect? I really want to live a long life.
They weren't happy about my paper work skills, and they said, "I don't ask questions if I don't know I am doing something wrong." To which.. even though I had promised I would keep silent during the review I said, " I wouldn't ask if I didn't think I was doing something wrong, would i?"
She said was there anything I wanted to add. I said No. she said, ARE you sure? I said NO. I left feeling dejected, and I knew that anything I said would not be taken into consideration, I was very sure about that. Especially since I had gone to one case manager several times because EL's goals weren't helping him, and she wrote on my review that I didn't go to her when I Thought things weren't working. Hmm? is that why we had the big meeting and they asked for my impute and we changed his goals, BECAUSE OF ME>>>>> and yet the review said I never asked for help.
That's whey I didn't bother to write a rebuttal on the stinking review. After that why give a shit, I am going to LOOK for work, there has to be another company out there that I can work with. These guys are not what they say they are.

EGD with Biopsy

The test went well, no evidence of Hiatal Hernia. Vocal cords appear to be healed, Appearance of Chronic gastritis, Nodules in stomach, pre-pyloric. I don't know what that means, they did a biopsy of the nodules. They want to do another study called a Ambulartory PH monitoring.
I even got photos.. yucky

The Coming storm------------------21897

I don't believe I have ever cried for a place like I have Brookings. When I lived in Elko Nevada I tried for 1 and 1/2 years to get back. I wish things were different. I don't want to be old to be where I want to be.
I am glad for the experiences that I have had in other cities, I am glad for the people I have come to love. I am thankful for my Grand Children so near, and my daughters so dear, but I want to go home. If I had a reliable car Daine and I could go for a few days, just to walk on the beach and hear the call of the birds and smell that salty air.

Magical Charm-----------------21894

Short term, I want a better job, a reliable car, it doesn't have to be new, just able to make it to the coast and back.
Short term I want to get rid of stuff I have collected and paint all the shelves in my house white, I want to clean up my porch and get plants out.

Long Term, I want to go home where the waves crash on the rocks and you can hear the seals barking at night. Home where it rains a lot and is warm. Home where you can go down to the dock and pick out your dinner. I have been gone too long.

Oh for the day! and I see it coming.

If I could say what I truly feel from the deep down darkness of my hardened heart, if I could impart to you my sincerity and honest way of thinking,I would. Then it occurs to me I don't give a flying rats behind about you pecker heads anyway.
I know by instinct who I can trust, and who I can reel out a little information, and who is in this world for themselves only. Who is frightened and who is evil, and who is stupid, and who is wholehearted.
I do not see myself in the mirror of your impression of me, I see myself for who I am. The last one standing has the last laugh.

Sunday========21705

Where did my weekend go?
Yesterday was spent in the delightful company of five kids, missing were 8 year old Olivia staying at a friends house, and 2 year old Ruby in the hospital trying to get re-hydrated after being sick for several days.
Ruby is home now and looking plumped back up.
I haven't anything earth shaking to write about at five AM. The dog woke me up at three ringing the bell on the door like a mad thing, he must have had some tummy distress from all the food he scored from the grand kids yesterday. He pays for it every time he helps himself to people food, but he continues to do it.
I had a cup of tea, not such a great idea for my stomach either. I am similar to the dog, I know what I like and what my stomach will allow are two different things. Yet I continue to do it anyway, at least on a small scale.
The Easter Bunny has arrived, I put the basket up high so the dog doesn't get sick.
I am going back to bed for awhile. NO MORE BELL RINGING DOG!

Fork stuck in the road

The Ratwagon is a 1988 Nissan Stanza station wagon. complete with chipped paint and dents. The middle seat belt was tasty so the cocker spaniel ate it. It smells funky even when its clean which is rare. I keep it tidy, but I don't vacuum it out as much as I should with all the use it gets. It was abandoned in a field for five years, so it has some "issues" I happen to really like the car, not so much after it lost first gear. I think it needs a new "thingey" I used to only date mechanics or computer techs out of necessity. However... now just somebody who "gets" me would be nice.
The area I live in is quiet except for the shootings. It's clean and pristine except for the smell of the beet factory which we can only think is reminiscent of roasted ass. Not that I ever smelled that, but I can guess. This is my own private Idaho, note "THE GEM STATE" not the famous potato state....
I was raised up north in a logging town called Pierce Idaho, you can google it sometime. I went back for a visit after 30 years and the townspeople still remembered me. Odd because I was a good kid.
Lots of trees here, but they had to bring them in from other states as southern Idaho is desert. They call Boise the city of trees, because the towns fathers couldn't think of anything else to call it. Nampa simply is the armpit of Idaho. Nampa is where I have the privilege of calling home. I am planning my escape to the Oregon coast. More on that later!

Mom's Rose

My best friends BlogSpot.

Does your vanity know no bounds? 21220

That one is for she who will remain nameless.
Part one of my work day is over, part two consists of two hours with a fat kid that hates me. Apparently she hates everyone that makes her move. I won't let her take the elevator, I park far away from the places we go shopping. She wiiiiinnnneessss. I don WAAANNNAAA. I smile sweetly and tell her, it's good to get your heart pumping.
It can only get worse from here. She wrote on the black board Wednesday, " I hate Glena Dusky" I Told her she spelled my name wrong and corrected the spelling. SIGH.. I didn't react, but sometimes... Sometimes. the little devil in me would like to say "back atcha fatso"
however I am kind.
I care about her, but I think I have lost the battle. Her other tech lets her do what she wants, and doesn't bother to teach her. I won't allow her to tear into packages in the store and handle things she is not buying. I tell her that is rude. She says, "WHY!" and I say because if I wanted to buy something I wouldn't pick the thing you just damaged. Get my drift? She doesn't get it. Her kind father beams when I bring back his pudgy little gem. He will be the only one in her life to give her unconditional love. I see a grim future, one fraught with a cheating husband and seven ungrateful kids, but Daddy beams on. SIGH...

So uneventful so Dull

Today I am bored of pain, I am bored of feeling sick. I read fairy tales in bed. I think of new things to do to forget pain.

I want to get away, I want to fly away

I heard a rumor that the lowly workers of our company get more hours in the summer. I also heard there is dissension in the ranks. They hired about 10 more newbies with the purpose of weeding out those who make more then 8 bucks an hour. This does not apply to me.
I am still at the 8 an hour.
WHY are employers so greedy? They are rolling in it, and the trusted employees they have are better then what they haven't tested yet. ONE would think.
Also Hat boy and text girl are still working. Suspicion has edged away from me, I have learned to keep my mouth shut and go with the flow. It is a shame, I really am talented in this area. It's not wanted or needed. I am not the only one who feels like this, many employees have come and gone before me, striving to make a change.
I shall work and stay in the groove, and keep looking for something else that is a better fit, at least for now, it's six hundred a month and far better then nothing a month. Right? Right.

Bubble Bubble Toil and trouble --------20748

It's not better I wail and moan. I bitch, I digress I am annoyed. So I am sent to a Doctor Wood in Meridian that will look down my throat with a scope and decide if my esophagus is well enough, and my stomach digests quickly enough, if these things are determined they will operate.
I am not sure what it is called but they wrap the tube from my stomach to the throat around the stomach so it cannot back up anymore acid into my throat. Sounds lovely doesn't it?
If I qualify for this operation I will never throw up again. The downside is if you have to, it will sit in your gut, and can be very unpleasant. I will never burp again, I suppose I can figure out where that will go.
I can say, shit fuck stupid asshole, but I cannot say "fart" sometimes I am such a priss.
I don't know the down time if I get the operation, but I think I should get it, I have done everything the doctor has asked me and I am not better. Will I get to sleep on my back again? Will I get to have a glass of wine? How about Eggplant Parmesan? Garlic? Mexican food?

Did you know that was me?

I was getting tired of people sounding off on facebook. They stand on their christian values and feel entitled to be upset that America voted in Health Care Reform. Obviously the ones with money... I look into the sad eyes of the people wandering the street with no place to go. No one can take them in, many are insane. Who cares? Not the fucking health care system in our country. So.. another one of my larks, I started the group "The people who refuse to turn Facebook into a political forum" Part of me is quietly alarmed, and the other part is laughing her ass off as usual.
Its tough being me.
I may have to delete the group, or skip the country. Sitting back and watching.

Now wasn't that fun?

For lack of anything else, I nested today.
I cleaned, I mopped, I washed, but I avoided most of all.
I dived into Sims for a few hours of fantasy. Back to the real world.

Hey Hey observations

How come I am the only one who noticed you are a dumbass? I didn't think my powers of observation were far surpassing everyone else.
Janelle gets step two in eradicating SPOT. Out spot out... Stain? that's a better moniker for son in law number one. hee hee.
I eat therefore I suffer. I couldn't help it... I had Lovely green salad with tomatoes, avocado. Then... I had the audacity to have corn on the cob and a little piece of kielbasa, will the madness never cease? NOW I am suffering, I am having a shock Top. I think it helps...
When do I get to eat like normal people again? Just wondering.
20322

Happy Birthday Ungrateful Pets

All the animals were born in March. So we celebrate today, if you aren't doing anything Sherman is hosting the beer, and the cats are buying the cake.
Sherman, Phantom James, and Nodkin were all born in 2006, Geilaise was born in 2008.
Back to reality, I have an hour to get out the door, I better eat something and put on some green.
Have a lovely St. Pattys day

better shake my tail feathers

So much to do, so little time, so much apathy.

Karma Testing?=====20052

I had a job offer, more money, more hours...They said I can't give notice, I must start right away. I Told them I can't take the job then, I cannot leave the kids I am working with, with no notice.

What do I want

I really don't want anything,you already know that. You are such a magical person, I knew that nine years ago, and I see your smile everywhere I look, and there is the faint scent of patchouli in the air. The magic is still here.
What ever tomorrow brings I'll be there.

Creepy becomes her

Hagdal Spread ----- 19717

The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. 7 Anfore (Temptation): Daydreams and things seen in the glass of contemplation. The scattering of energies by strong desires and unrealistic goals. The pursuit of illusions and the dissipation of energy on false choices. Intoxication, delirium, and hallucination, leading to the negation of effort. Under rare and extreme circumstances, may indicate the revelation of transcendental spiritual truth.

The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. 4 Anfore (Luxury), when reversed: New and unusual relationships and opportunities. The reawakening of your appetite for life or love. The path of excess leading to spiritual rejuvenation and the appearance of novel ambitions.

The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. Carbone (The Hanged Man): Pausing to reflect. Surrendering to an experience. Adjusting to new ideas through sacrifice. Opening oneself to intuition and enhanced awareness. Letting go of past patterns and growing beyond them. Inner peace, faith, and serenity.

The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. Regina di Anfore (Queen of Cups), when reversed: The dark essence of water, such as a deep and foreboding lake: Discomfort with the worlds of mind and matter, leading to a retreat to the spiritual. The embrace of negative relationships, driven by the desperate fear of being alone. Devotion to fantasies and daydreams, to the exclusion of practical skills or the pursuit of knowledge. Insecurity leading to dishonor, vice, and undue susceptibility to outside influences.

The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Catulo (The Hierophant): Faith in tradition and the old school. A justified and ancient source of power. Being supportive, sympathetic and loyal. Receiving instructions, learning, guidance or inspiration. The ability to hear a higher or inner voice. May also indicate a religious ritual, such as a marriage or an initiation.

The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. 1 Anfore (Ace of Cups), when reversed: The seed of a destructive relationship or spiritual collapse. A missed opportunity for joy, contentment, fertility, or enlightenment. Failing to understand the emotional needs of those around you. May represent an unexpected message, a chance meeting, or the start of a friendship or romance.

The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. Mario (The Emperor), when reversed: Weakness in character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect. Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or demagogue.

The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. 8 Dischi (Prudence): Dedicating yourself fully to a task. Learning a new craft or skill. Applying painstaking attention to detail. Industriousness and the efficient completion of tasks. Sticking with a project long enough to see it through.

The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. 10 Anfore (Satiety), when reversed: Dissipation, debauchery, and stagnation. Taking one's good fortune for granted. Problems in domestic and social matters. A false love or infatuation, leading to a lack of fulfillment.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Hagall spread is a tool for revealing the path of spiritual growth in difficult situations. It is a favorite of mystics and those confronting a major life challenge. The Sola Busca Tarot is a color embellished reproduction of the only known extant 15th century Tarot deck engraved on metal. It is the choice of purists and those seeking a direct channel with the dawn of Western occultism.
The card in the middle of the circle represents the core or central issue of the situation. Panfilio (The Magician): Mastery over word, mind, and matter. The ability to turn ideas into actions, handle problems, and control one's life. The initiation of new projects, great works, or a new way of life. Eloquent and moving communication. Arcane and eldritch technologies

My friend will be here tomorrow---19638

I haven't planned anything, I only have idea's. Friday it's "The Blues Bouquet" and maybe the "Balcony" or the "emerald Club" what self respecting healthy all American boy can resist a gay bar complete with colorful transvestites? Saturday a drive somewhere, perhaps a picnic, or maybe the WWII museum. Or maybe the Art Museum downtown Boise, or maybe just downtown boise. Still burning ideas. I was thinking a play on 8th street, but I don't know what's playing and if we can get in on short notice. AND I am excited as all get out, it will be lovely to have company.

A day at Walters Ferry

This is my 12 year old son and Me. I think the time is just around the corner when he won't want to be seen with me, so I am enjoying him as much as I can.
Tonie?
I can say "best friend" can't I? I have never met such a wonderful open upbeat woman.
I am proud you are my friend.
Sunday Tonie suggested Walters Ferry for an outing. We loved it.
Tonie you are an angel on earth!
My 12 year old viking liked it too. Its so good to take him places, we don't have money, in fact we are below poverty level right now, I expect this situation to right itself, but I have been expecting that for a long time.
Walters Ferry is free, you just have to get there.

Yesterday Seriously Sucked

My client required a nap, without knowing quite what I should do I chose to sit in the hall and wait for the teacher's summons if he began to act up. This was not a good choice I know now. One of the trainer higher ups appeared at the top of the stairs and raised her eyebrows at me, she asked me what I was doing. At the moment I had no idea who she was so I didn't know what answer she wanted. I told her I was waiting on T, but also doing some paperwork. She began questioning me on several procedures. ( I didn't know this was going to be a test!) I don't do well when I am un-prepared. I told her this was the first time he had requested lying down, and I wasn't sure what my course of action should be, I don't want to disturb the class but I also didn't want T out of my sight. She went on and on about how this was bad, and medicaid won't pay etc.. I could see this was about money. For me it's about not doing my job well enough. I told her in my frustration that there are times I don't know what I am supposed to do, I don't think there are enough guidelines. She said, "OH I AM SORRY." very sarcastically. I shut my mouth. This company underpays unqualified people to do a job that should require a license and MORE training. Only I don't think that should be the tact that I take when I get questioned today. If I want to keep this job I need to open my eyes more and open my mouth less. She lectured me for twenty minutes, and I answered as well I could. I just wasn't sure what to say, this was the first time I had sat in the hall, she didn't believe me, she asked me about the other tech, which I don't know anything about, only that Mrs. C the kindergarten teacher doesn't like Sabrina. I didn't tell my boss that, because it's only subjective and I am very good at inserting opinion when it is not asked for. I really felt like being unprofessional under the rapid fire questioning. I rather doubt I looked good. Then I walked away from her because I could hear T talking and he is my client. We went to music class where this Trainer interacted with the children and got them all riled up and dancing. I thought, "Is this what she expects me to do?" I avoid interacting for this reason, it only takes a moment for chaos to break out with five and six year olds. They were hugging her and showing off and she was eating it up. I thought, "FOOL!" I am there to keep T under control, not interact with all the clever children. I think in this case my instincts are correct and she was out of line. She observed me interact with T, which is a natural thing between us since I have been seeing him since December. I expect I am going to be written up for sitting in the hall. My only excuse is that I didn't think he would lie down for very long because he never naps. I really hate this company however. If they want us to be professionals they should give us some decent training, end of argument.
Later when I dropped him off at home, his mother told me she was aware of the situation and they are happy with me, and if I would only be more controlling in Mrs. C's class they would have no complaints. I thanked her, because now finally I know what is expected of me. NO one would tell me, do I take him out, do I settle him down do I risk a noisy meltdown? The Company just wants the job to be done,without any of the painful ways it has to be accomplised. I really think I should find something else, this has gone on far enough. I keep thinking every other week I am going to be fired. Then are are people like Hatboy, and texting girl, and goofy who gets employee of the week. I expect the company hasn't got a clue.

we made it to Thursday------19058

I put in my notice with MD, not for the right reasons, like my safety and the fact that he doesn't listen or take suggestions from me. Secretly I hope they put him with Goofy, or HatBoy. My reasons were that I haven't seen him for a month and a half, he cancels every day, and that leaves me with 18 hours a paycheck that I don't get. This isn't right, instead of them telling me, "Well we have to find someone else to take him on", it should be, he has breached our contract and he is out of here. WHY should I be punished for him being undependable? I never figured out what we are teaching people if we continue to let them get away with this crap.
HatBoy should not be a tech. He bribed his client with five bucks if client would complete his paper. Then HatBoy walked off and left client alone in the room. He didn't come back for fifteen minutes. Client asked me to lie for him and tell HatBoy that he did the work, and client produced a page he had done earlier. I told him, I don't lie, and I also don't bribe people to do what they are supposed to do. I was very unhappy with HatBoy. Then HatBoy came back and grabbed client and popped him un-gently in his wheelchair. HatBoy does not like this kid, and this kid is Abysmal, however he deserved to be treated with respect. Should I report what I saw? and who should I report it too...and what should I say? I don't have names only descriptions. I didn't see actual abuse only alarming tactics that I found distasteful. I am not certain AFI would rise to the occasion. Jeez the only person that I really trust right now is fearless leader, imagine that?

The graveyard in your soul-----------------------------18920

I was looking at the graveyard in your soul. It wasn't apparent when we were young, but I sensed its presence on a few occasions. I was too naive and trusting to suspect it could be there. I couldn't fathom its depth. I did not know what abuse does to a young girl over the years. No one for you to ask for help, knuckle down and accept your fate, with an almost christian belief. Though they never allowed you to be christian, you had more long suffering then the best of Christians. When we were older I sensed you wanted what I had. You thought by possessing what I had you would be better; somehow cleaner. You wanted my chastity and my wide eyed innocence. You wanted to trade me lives. Sometimes you hated me with an intensity that I could guess at but never pin down in my stupid self involved thoughts.
I wasn't bad, but how could I be good when I never suffered as you? Years later when your warped reality interfered with our friendship, I let you go. I came back, I always came back and reclaimed you as my friend, and tried to forget the past. You still don't really like me do you? You tolerate me for some reason, but you do not know that I know about the graveyard in your soul. You think me too shallow to understand. But now I Have suffered and I know more about your life then you would have allowed.

The simple things

Cream of wheat cooked in vanilla soy with a tiny pat of butter and sugar. It's lovely and it doesn't make my stomach act up.

I am suitably cowed -------- 18576

Does it even matter? Day to day I live with this stomach existence. Only a few months ago I ate what I wanted to. I have always been health conscience. I liked sauteed veggies, a little pasta, marinara sauce, lemon squeezed on fresh food. NOW jeez Louise I am like some kind of infirm old lady. This morning I dared to eat a few strawberries. 5 of them. I made an electric skillet cake, I haven't made one of those since I was in my twenties. I haven't tried it yet, that's what the strawberries are for.
I can feel the acid seeping up my neck as we speak. ENOUGH ALREADY! I ate a two egg omelet with sauteed mushrooms. No garlic, no herbs, just a bit of sea salt and Monterrey jack cheese. THE tiniest of slices of that. I have decided the doctors can remove my stomach and I will never eat again. Nor will I enjoy a small glass of wine. This pain and swelling along with acid seepage cannot go on. My breath is foul with the acid, my stomach is swollen, I am still losing weight. The doctor says, "I will see you in a month." I am willing to sell my soul if it is of any worth, I highly doubt that my soul is any worth...

2 Motherless girls

I was thinking about Christiana and Maria. Two little girls without a mother. Their father is a very good man, he has no English to help him. They have a harsh existence. One of my tasks was to take CR to Fred Myers and shop. There she saw all the things that she could not have. She is eight, she likes lip gloss and sparkly girl things and Barbie Dolls. If I could I would buy a basket of things for them and leave it anonymously on the porch. They have so very little, and I know there father works very hard.
The trailer smells strongly of propane. I believe it has a gas leak. Do they not know? they try covering the smell with rose room spray, the combination is sickly and turns my stomach.
Christiana, doesn't know about how to handle books gently, or to walk up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. She thinks everything should have a prize if she trys very hard.
I am become a surrogate mother. Teaching her these things, and I want to give her and her sister lip gloss and color crayons...

The day is at hand.

Today is Friday and I am thankful for that. I had a good night, I probably O.D. on PPI and Acid Blockers. The prescription and the over the counter variety. What I am taking is not enough obviously. The Dr. Never did call in the new prescription as she said she would, not sure where she is going with that, I know she is very busy, but it's unlike her to forget, so it must be a glitch with the insurance...yet again.
Today I have EL till 12:45 then MD till 4:00 then CR till 6:15. I am concerned about CR because she leaves school today at three o clock if I am not there and I am not scheduled to be with her till 4:15. There is a problem with translation, CR speaks English, but her father does not and the housekeeper gets things mixed up, or AFI does. Monday they had me at her home at 4:15 and she was at school, Then they said I was to go to the school at 4:15 only thing, she leaves school early on Friday and I don't think they know that. I was sick yesterday, and I can tell by my stomach that it's going to be another hard day, but I must go to work. I am pretty sure that MD will cancel. And now I have to get my stuff together and go into the office and cancel him, I and our program are not doing him any good, and his cancelling is a way to show who is in power, and really I hate games, especially this one.

Ha Ha the joke was on me.--------18349

No more black bean chili. I had a vocal cord attack at 1:00AM. I had gastritis attacks for two days all for a little bowl of beans. Back to eating chicken breasts and rice. I humbly apologise stomach, you rule, you know best. Tuesday I saw the Dr. she did a lung xray, I suddenly started to worry. What if? What if? I wanted to call my daughters, but they think I am over dramatising anyway. My lungs are healthy the xray says. Dr. Keif talked about changing the medication for my stomach. It's a fight with the insurance to get them to let me have medication. They think once a day is enough, and the Dr. said I need it twice. SEE!?? this is why I think insurance companies should be outlawed. They have become too powerful, and they should never dictate to a Dr. what treatment should be allowed. They have no right to tell a Dr. her business. Really torques me off!
Today is Thursday, I am considering calling in sick. I didn't sleep most of the night, I have a raging headache and my stomach is swollen, and there are other atrocities best left unmentioned, however you get my drift, I don't dare pass gas.
Enough of this already! I want to think about happy things, not planning my day around Maalox and nexium. I am tired of wondering if I can eat a little bite of something without more pain. I lost another nine pounds. I don't know when this is going to stop, I am trying to be optimistic. I tried to leave off taking the analgesic yesterday, to see if it's contributing to the stomach pain, but I had so much pain in my legs and shoulders that I wonder if it was worth it. Why do I have to trade one pain for another?

cloudy muddy sky

Cat litter mission for Sissy. Pick up thyroid meds, and Maalox for me. There was a shirt for three dollars, I grabbed it too. In a smaller size, if any good has come out of this stomach hating me ordeal it's all my clothes fitting loosely. Today I am making black bean chili. HA HA stomach the jokes on you. I found I can eat three bites of anything. Almost anyway.
I stare longingly at the bottle of scotch and can of tab. I don't drink very often or very much, but not being able to at all is off putting.
I see Dr. Keif on Tuesday, here's hoping she can pinpoint what it is and fix it and I wont gain back the weight. I rather like this...and another forty and I will be svelte. In a nice way. One can never lose the German heritage ass I am afraid.
Nampa sux, it stinks and is dirty. I would like to be home by the sea, if you can see your way toward granting this wish for me, I might take it upon myself to be a believer. NAHHH
Great! I was looking at the Nampa Idaho press pages, the only thing this city has to brag about is the indoor recreation center. Be warned if you are looking at cities to relocate to, if they don't show you anything but an indoor recreation center, steer away. IT is not known at the banana belt either, lies lies. It's the dirty smelling armpit of the state of Idaho. Obviously not a good selling point.

Sunday 21~~~17951

we started on the same road and ended up on a different road but still the same. Whoda thunk it? I lost my faith around 2005 I think. Things don't add up when you follow all the rules. I am careful who I say that too, I would never argue someone out of believing. Belief is a comfort, without belief is constant question.

Lament 17851

I have noted it's possible to put a ribbon on an ugly thing and pretend it's acceptable.
At the time; I thought it was love. We had radar we knew where the other one was. I knew, then the connection was cut. You really are a bad person, if you are still living. You hate women, but like to draw them in, pet and flatter the weak ones, then cut them up and leave them for the crows. Where did this deep hatred come from? Your mother doted on you. You have left your mark, love or not it was one of the most memorable adventures I ever had. I expect you kidnapped my soul for a little while.
Jimmy Dean I think you are the very devil.

Combo Number five

Still cracks me up.

Today 17239

Getting Dain to clean his room is a tedious process best started early in the morning. You are in for an all day adventure. I bribed, I raged, I gave into several breaks, I fed him, I praised him. I wanted to punt him into traffic.
We donated a lot of clothes, and we tossed a lot of toys in the dumpster. IT isn't done yet.

Hearst Castle

Lulu In Hollywood

I have been reading "Lulu in Hollywood" written by Louise Brooks. She isn't as good of a writer as she thought she was, it's an interesting story, but her descriptions are sometimes tedious to follow. She says she was at the William Randolf Hearst Castle several times with WR's Lover's niece; Pepi Lederer. Whoa! try to say that three times very fast. Pepi Lederer was her friend. Pepi jumped from a building to her death in 1935. I think Louise Brooks writes rather coldly of someone she had called "friend".
When I looked at the guest list on the front page of the castle website, there is no mention of Louise Brooks. Perhaps... because she wasn't as famous as Clark Gable or some of the others, William Randolph didn't think she counted.
I am not sure what I think of Louise Brooks, she seemed a bit spoiled and full of herself. Her stardom not so much, but I would have to see one of her silent films before I made the final call.

As Janelle would say, "where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?"

BHUUUUHAAHAAAA
My stomach still hates me and I wonder what type of fucked up genius would carry a torch for an unworthy encephalopod for the past thirty years? In-between meaningless affairs that stretch on forever. Linda Said...I would never have a relationship after Mikey, I would go from affair to affair and have unnecessary strings attach to me because of them, but I would never find the right guy till I was quite old... like maybe fifty or something. I worked out the math, I was supposed to meet him when I was 47. I even have a firm picture in my head of what he looked like, but it never happened, I missed a connection somewhere. Gawd! a few times. He was tall, over six foot, silver hair that he wore long. He had on faded jeans and a pale blue shirt. He was crazy about me. I think he got hit by a bus before we had our assignation. REALLY Sux. or he is with the wrong woman, wishing for happiness. AND I go through several possibilites in my head with every man I meet. Notice not women. Just not interested in women. Though I am sure the right woman knows more about making a relationship then any man I have ever known. Ahh well what I meant to say is JJ I need to put this torch out, its starting to burn my fingers, and you never did "get" me anyway. I am looking for a poet with a strong heart.

Oh Thank You! 16769

Md likes me and wants to retain me as his tech. Just goes to show you that things can go from awful to touchingly pitiful in the space of a few minutes. I feel like I have a kite string attached to a hurricane...just before the cliff. So do I ride it out or jump? Some role model I am, I Have taught him how to make fun of people and be insubordinate. Only in the face of professionalism, you do not make fun of people to their face. Hmm maybe I am of some use after all. Maybe teaching him to have opinions but not voice them isn't so bad. I mean we all have evil thoughts, its just the greatest majority of us know when it is inappropriate to express them. I call my trainer "fearless Leader" Md thinks this is very funny, he holds it above my head, he would like to tell my trainer what I call her. He doesn't quite understand why this is so funny. She is the Teutonic Germanic type blue eyed blond, Fearless Leader fits her; to the older then dirt crowd. She probably never heard of Bullwinkle Moose.