I am suitably cowed -------- 18576

Does it even matter? Day to day I live with this stomach existence. Only a few months ago I ate what I wanted to. I have always been health conscience. I liked sauteed veggies, a little pasta, marinara sauce, lemon squeezed on fresh food. NOW jeez Louise I am like some kind of infirm old lady. This morning I dared to eat a few strawberries. 5 of them. I made an electric skillet cake, I haven't made one of those since I was in my twenties. I haven't tried it yet, that's what the strawberries are for.
I can feel the acid seeping up my neck as we speak. ENOUGH ALREADY! I ate a two egg omelet with sauteed mushrooms. No garlic, no herbs, just a bit of sea salt and Monterrey jack cheese. THE tiniest of slices of that. I have decided the doctors can remove my stomach and I will never eat again. Nor will I enjoy a small glass of wine. This pain and swelling along with acid seepage cannot go on. My breath is foul with the acid, my stomach is swollen, I am still losing weight. The doctor says, "I will see you in a month." I am willing to sell my soul if it is of any worth, I highly doubt that my soul is any worth...

2 Motherless girls

I was thinking about Christiana and Maria. Two little girls without a mother. Their father is a very good man, he has no English to help him. They have a harsh existence. One of my tasks was to take CR to Fred Myers and shop. There she saw all the things that she could not have. She is eight, she likes lip gloss and sparkly girl things and Barbie Dolls. If I could I would buy a basket of things for them and leave it anonymously on the porch. They have so very little, and I know there father works very hard.
The trailer smells strongly of propane. I believe it has a gas leak. Do they not know? they try covering the smell with rose room spray, the combination is sickly and turns my stomach.
Christiana, doesn't know about how to handle books gently, or to walk up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. She thinks everything should have a prize if she trys very hard.
I am become a surrogate mother. Teaching her these things, and I want to give her and her sister lip gloss and color crayons...

The day is at hand.

Today is Friday and I am thankful for that. I had a good night, I probably O.D. on PPI and Acid Blockers. The prescription and the over the counter variety. What I am taking is not enough obviously. The Dr. Never did call in the new prescription as she said she would, not sure where she is going with that, I know she is very busy, but it's unlike her to forget, so it must be a glitch with the insurance...yet again.
Today I have EL till 12:45 then MD till 4:00 then CR till 6:15. I am concerned about CR because she leaves school today at three o clock if I am not there and I am not scheduled to be with her till 4:15. There is a problem with translation, CR speaks English, but her father does not and the housekeeper gets things mixed up, or AFI does. Monday they had me at her home at 4:15 and she was at school, Then they said I was to go to the school at 4:15 only thing, she leaves school early on Friday and I don't think they know that. I was sick yesterday, and I can tell by my stomach that it's going to be another hard day, but I must go to work. I am pretty sure that MD will cancel. And now I have to get my stuff together and go into the office and cancel him, I and our program are not doing him any good, and his cancelling is a way to show who is in power, and really I hate games, especially this one.

Ha Ha the joke was on me.--------18349

No more black bean chili. I had a vocal cord attack at 1:00AM. I had gastritis attacks for two days all for a little bowl of beans. Back to eating chicken breasts and rice. I humbly apologise stomach, you rule, you know best. Tuesday I saw the Dr. she did a lung xray, I suddenly started to worry. What if? What if? I wanted to call my daughters, but they think I am over dramatising anyway. My lungs are healthy the xray says. Dr. Keif talked about changing the medication for my stomach. It's a fight with the insurance to get them to let me have medication. They think once a day is enough, and the Dr. said I need it twice. SEE!?? this is why I think insurance companies should be outlawed. They have become too powerful, and they should never dictate to a Dr. what treatment should be allowed. They have no right to tell a Dr. her business. Really torques me off!
Today is Thursday, I am considering calling in sick. I didn't sleep most of the night, I have a raging headache and my stomach is swollen, and there are other atrocities best left unmentioned, however you get my drift, I don't dare pass gas.
Enough of this already! I want to think about happy things, not planning my day around Maalox and nexium. I am tired of wondering if I can eat a little bite of something without more pain. I lost another nine pounds. I don't know when this is going to stop, I am trying to be optimistic. I tried to leave off taking the analgesic yesterday, to see if it's contributing to the stomach pain, but I had so much pain in my legs and shoulders that I wonder if it was worth it. Why do I have to trade one pain for another?

cloudy muddy sky

Cat litter mission for Sissy. Pick up thyroid meds, and Maalox for me. There was a shirt for three dollars, I grabbed it too. In a smaller size, if any good has come out of this stomach hating me ordeal it's all my clothes fitting loosely. Today I am making black bean chili. HA HA stomach the jokes on you. I found I can eat three bites of anything. Almost anyway.
I stare longingly at the bottle of scotch and can of tab. I don't drink very often or very much, but not being able to at all is off putting.
I see Dr. Keif on Tuesday, here's hoping she can pinpoint what it is and fix it and I wont gain back the weight. I rather like this...and another forty and I will be svelte. In a nice way. One can never lose the German heritage ass I am afraid.
Nampa sux, it stinks and is dirty. I would like to be home by the sea, if you can see your way toward granting this wish for me, I might take it upon myself to be a believer. NAHHH
Great! I was looking at the Nampa Idaho press pages, the only thing this city has to brag about is the indoor recreation center. Be warned if you are looking at cities to relocate to, if they don't show you anything but an indoor recreation center, steer away. IT is not known at the banana belt either, lies lies. It's the dirty smelling armpit of the state of Idaho. Obviously not a good selling point.

Sunday 21~~~17951

we started on the same road and ended up on a different road but still the same. Whoda thunk it? I lost my faith around 2005 I think. Things don't add up when you follow all the rules. I am careful who I say that too, I would never argue someone out of believing. Belief is a comfort, without belief is constant question.