Weird day at telemarketor hell yesterday.
The anniversary of the death of my little brother.
He was a carpenter.
Seems this time of year brings nostalgia... I am thinking of my ex in laws, and wishing Daine had a father,
on the other hand the way we got things, is pretty nice.
Nobody to argue with if I am a little light on discipline, he will survive inspite of me I am sure.
We read stories every night, and... I cheated, Santa wanted Daine to have the kipling books early,
WE are really enjoying them.
Just so Stories... we read the Elephant's Child.
I haven't opened the Christmas ornaments yet, I have long since bagged up all the girls ornaments
and gave them to them. The little dancing fairies from the sugar plum fairy, the teddy bears, each ornament
I bought them. Usually one a year.
There are cardboard rings painted with finger paints, and hideous pinecones dumped in glitter, trash mostly,
but of course they all go up on the tree.
Daine just presented me with a bag, stapled shut, it says Sira the goat on it. He said it's my present.
I told him when We put up the tree we will put the present under it. From the concentrated look on his face,
I bet he spent a lot of time on it.
Don't be sad, remember the good stuff, I am trying to.

Daine Bennet Dusky

he has an incredible mind, and I secretly think he picked me to be his mother before he was born.
It's my job to encourage that mind, so I read him novels, and science books and have taught him all I know... not a lot in that department.
He is seven years old and one of the most interesting people I have ever met.

YEAH I am on Santa's bad list... and it explains a lot.


Daine refused to watch the lighting of the Christmas tree downtown Boise.
He cried...
I said " do you miss Brookings?"
he nodded.
He has lived his whole life in Brookings and every year we go to the light festival, his sister and I have always taken him.
I told him, we will make new traditions in Idaho, don't worry baby.
This year we are enjoying our poverty, but Christmas always brings miracles.
I asked the boy if he could have anything he wanted what would he wish for.
He said, he would like a computer.
Hidden in my closet is a nearly new refurbished computer given to me by a friend... what strange coincidence?
We celebrate on Christmas Eve.
I will set that computer up and have it ready to roll when he discovers it on his desk with a red ribbon and a note from Santa.
He has been a good boy, but even if he had not, Santa would be generous, because this child is much loved and cherished.
Glena Jean... the bad elf.

Well this doesn't sound very positive.
The election is really terrible, we have no real choice... and I am the one
calling everyone to annoy them further with silly slogans and more mud
slinging... Senator John Edward's gets millions of dollars from lawyers, and
won't support Medical reform.
mmm somebody in Missouri is pro choice but has a million kids of her own
Please vote NO on initiative 1560 in Wyoming.Seattle needs transportation
change... I am SICK to death of the whole thing.
If you ever get a call from a telemarketor, the kindest thing is to hang up
gently on them. Some tell me to get screwed, Others call me a
stupid )(*)(*$*)*(_)+(()# B...H... it's so much fun, I ended up laughing at
someone last night, after the creative way he told me to get off!
One man went into a colorful diatribe and I told him 'thank you very much,
have a wonderful evening.'
They can hang up.... they can be kind for five seconds.. .yes I KNOW they
probably got fifteen calls around dinner time, but only one of them was
me... so My apologies to all who have had their dinner hour interrupted...
it will be over in another day.

We moved here two months ago from the Oregon coast. I miss my wet misty breezes and cool air.
I have the directional sense of a drunken gnat.. on a good day, some days I Forgot where I am and why I am here.
I have a few favorite places however....
I love the Blues Bouquet, downtown on main street, usually any day of the week you can find great music. The Boise down town night scene is a circus of people and sound.
If your feeling very brave you can walk over to the balcony in the sandpiper restaurant. There you can guess who is the transvestite and order micro brewery beer, cheerfully served to you by the floor whore... who is a very cranky waiter.
and if that isn't enough, there is a hot dog vender on every corner for the after drinks munchies..
My other favorite place is municipal park, I like watching the trout or just kicking the leaves up in the park.
SEE? It's not just about gun waving at the local mall.

Whitehall Lane Winery

I suddenly remembered this wine. I was twenty eight, staying at the Hofsas Haus with a friend. Visiting places of wonder to me. I was a small town girl after all, and it was all magic to me.

http://www.hofsashouse.com/default.html

Pinot Noir, A wine for sensualists. Makes the great reds of Burgundy and good wines from California and Oregon. More delicate than Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot, with strawberry and tea-leaf aromas and flavors, excellent with grilled salmon, roast chicken and grilled lamb.

We tried it with Cream Havarti Cheese and French bread. that was to be our diet for the next ten days.

In ways one cannot imagine. Thoughts assail, time moves on. Think on the things that make you smile.

hmm Boise's finest shoot the victim

August 12, 2000/Boise, Idaho: A woman was mauled by a tiger at a fundraiser for Zoo Boise after the cat escaped from an unlocked cage. She was hospitalized in serious condition with a broken leg, puncture wounds, and a gunshot wound that she received when police fired their guns to scare the tiger away.

On Sunday I took Daine to the zoo.
His excitement was most annoying. we ran to all the animal exhibits, and ooh and awwed over the bats,
which he and I like the best.

We were standing near a Jaguar cage and one of them Jumped at him, actually hit the fence, Daine screamed and fell down it scared him so much.

I wondered if the cat thought he was going to have a little boy for breakfast, or if that is Jaguar humor....
"HEY Larry, watch this!"

I told my daughter about this, and she said, a few years ago a woman was attacked at the zoo.
so I looked it up.

Next visit to the zoo I am wearing cat proof armor, just in case.

Last night while I was explaining to the "Date From Hell" that free spirit also means, one can say NO,
and stick to it.
I am not sure how a pleasant movie watching and wine drinking session turned into a tussle.
Meanwhile during the fight, my phone decided to Call Carl...
Why? why did my phone call Dwain when we were out Friday night, and why did my phone call Carl
when I was fighting off Ninja Man.
AND the big why.... the place that I am applying for work today, the five hour interview that I am sweating.....
he is affiliated with that company.
OOH brother!
I thought as I drug him to his feet and put his coat on him, then opened the door and shoved his carcass out,
that.... this may not bode well for the interview tomorrow.
Shoot me now.
He called me when he got home and he messaged me, he apparently has no idea that it was a disaster of an
evening... if I can just lie low the next few days.
Free Spirit Indeed!
But as a wise friend once said, 'If life didn't suck, we would all fly off the planet."
SO I am off to my interview, wish me luck... or perhaps someone else's luck.

I can almost smell the air.
Misty wistful, full of promise for things that can never happen.
"It's that day like today" thing again.
I am mystified that I am in Boise Idaho.
HOW did I get here again?

Oh babybaby, fill my head with dreams of autumn boat races, leaves burning, secret meetings in the grove.

I wear the purple velvet cloak with the silver clasp under my throat.

The Labrador runs after hidden prey.

The breeze blows my unkempt hair out of it's confines.

I can hear Lucy barking in the distance, and I call her back, she didn't catch her victim.

Will I catch mine?

I went on an interview yesterday, I was so excited about this job, the inventor of the building contractor software wanted to see me...
he told the job recruiter that my enthusiasm was refreshing but I was too hyper... They were supposed to call me yesterday... But didn't..
I have a 50/50 chance of getting this job...
Its hard being me... I am very excited about being around this new technology, I got on his website and tried to learn everything I could... I know I am a good choice for his company... But somehow I presented the wrong image.
I asked him, 'How did you get from contractor to inventor?" I was fascinated by everything..... Anyway....Maybe he thought I was putting him on. I don't kiss butt, but sometimes I may seem insincere because I am so overwhelmed with interest.

Boise is lovely... This is that time of year that gets to me.. Crisp mornings, leaves changing, wonderful smell in the air. The days are still warm, the evenings cool for walking, Janelle and I are walking at night now.

I had a lovely date last night, with a micron technician. He is in r and d, you know I love hangin with the smart people...
It was Puke fest last night... what got into the animals I don't know.
My cat has become weird, wont let anyone touch him, but went over and barfed on Nick's shoes... Then Lucy barfed, then What showed up for a visit and her dog barfed, then the cat walked over and barfed on his shoes again......
I was mortified about the animals... Dinner and disgrace could be the theme of the evening.
HE is a music technician and has a recording studio... Guess what I get to do?? HE listened to me sing, he says I have sub tones/? Or something, anyway he told me about my voice, he knew what he was talking about, he wants to try some different type of boxes to bring out certain sounds, it sounds like a blast to me.

I got the interview with the inventor on Thursday.. Only I have to find the place... This will of course be interesting...
I will not wear the red dress.... Perhaps the pink church lady dress... We noticed we are getting wide of girth... Its not fair... I barely eat.. ITS going to be tough to get rid of that ass....SUX, because I walk everywhere....OKAY truth be told its not really the ass that's the trouble, its the tummy..... The butt is a bubble butt, not wide but.. You know...MY dear brothers called me bubble butt since I was a small fry.

ahem... Sorry again, I am so open with things...

ANYWAY the reason I prevail is I finally beat XP at its insidious game, it hid a file from me. I FOUND IT... whoo hoooo! (insert happy noises here) I downloaded DEAD MAN"S party, the techno version... Ok, one has too much time on her hands.. It will all end when I am working again, I will be hard to find... Mostly because I will be cruising the Canadian farm land, wishing I was finding my way home.

My son thinks I am funny,he has been laughing so hard he is drooling.

Janelle and I were reminiscing on some of my mothering skills when I was a young mother like she is now....

MOVE IT< OR I will kick you so hard you will be wearing your butt for a hat....

I said that... she is still laughing over twenty years later...

I Was always a good mother.

my approach is being documented today.

SOMETIMES I wish I could go back and be twenty again... living in Montana with my goats and my two beautiful baby girls.... Janelle and I used to ride my bike seven miles into Missoula and have tea at Alice's Restaraunt.

She doesn't remember now.... it was a lifetime ago.

I shall not be sad, this is now, and I have another young child that makes me laugh... sometimes I wish I could have another... but at my age, I would put the baby down and forget where I put him.

blond... and now impending dementia......

Lucky I am still beautiful.. not that it accounts for anything.

Obsessive

I have played "GLOW" by Alien Ant Farm over and over, I am so glad no one
can hear me... can they?
I am dancing, the dog is hiding, the cat is looking alarmed....

I should go through my closet and find a conservative dress.
The corduroy is out.. I have a short waist, and.... bubble butt, it seems to
focus on my AHEM
area's.. that may be why the cat hit me when I wore it last week.
I KNOW too much information.
most of my stuff.... is kinda retro hippy....I GIVE UP, I do not look
conservative.

The green velvet gothic.....The black silk with the purple boa??

The pink frilly one... EWWWWWWWWWWWW looks like Mrs. Church Lady.

The red one? that one always gets me into trouble...besides.... its a bit
snug on one's derriere....

I could send you a photo show... my daughter always says, "It looks good
mom." I think she does it on purpose, and laughs all the way home....

She is used to me, to give her credit. so perhaps I look normal to her.

OK OK< Smooth Criminal...... cover by Alien Ant Farm... they do it better
then Michael Jackson. I am.. not changing out of the baggy green
sweatshirt....and birkenstocks.

Janelle swiped my "NO FEAR" sweat shirt. I stole it fair and square from an
ex boyfriend... BONUS!! One must always have a collectable from each
affair... Glena's closet should be full... SIGH...

Well the cat doesn't dance we find out.. too late

GREEN DAY LYRICS

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

The futility of wasted dreams.
Do I never learn anything?

strong>Its been awhile since I could remember.<
Pain swells over me, I went from being important to nothing in a day. I am wearing a big grin on my face, but it doesn't show in my eyes.
I am being stalked by the grim reaper.
I woke up at 4:00 AM hemorrhaging, blood pouring from me so fast it bubbled. I thought of dialing 911.
I was afraid to move, I wondered if this was normal.
Washing sheets and jammies at 4:00 AM.
Sitting very still watching heavy metal videos. Thinking, wanting to write something beautiful.
It is 6ish now, the flow has slowed down, but I may not be able to go anywhere today.
Forever trust in who I am.
Remember, I am best on my own, I do not doubt me then.
Reece says, "being a free spirit has a price." Allison says, "Didn't you know that?"
NO I didn't know that.
If I quit paying the price I quit living.
I love him. I let him go.
I have to stop now.
I have to go on, I have to be a good mother to my little son.
Daine will ask, "where is Carl, mom?"
What sickly sweet answer will I come up with? Oh I can be good at deception when it depends on survival.
Another love affair bites the dust.
Switch the three diamonds to the other hand. The promise is broken, but I will not forget.
I wear the mink stole next to my naked skin, it comforts me somehow.
I do not feel real, I am only half here, I do not see my reflection in the mirror.
Reece says my eyes are very green.
I wish I could stay and learn more from her, she is a born teacher.
She has paid the price of being a free spirit as well.
She knows things, I can only begin to guess. She will approve that I am moving on, however melancholy.

The Boise People want to invite me to champagne soirees for the baby's. I dislike the tediousness of their
parties, finding that I am the most interesting person at them. The ridiculousness of their drunkenness and futility.
I will politely decline and walk the streets in darkness, I prefer my own morbid thoughts.

"Down With The Sickness" Music Video
http://launch.yahoo.com/video/default.asp?vid=1079702

I am curious, Do you fear death now?

know you used to tell me that attitude is 99 percent of the problem.
My attitude is up and down these days.
When you are so sure of something and have absolutely NO Doubt and it's pulled right out from under you
it leaves a person very confused.
I thought I knew that Carl and I were meant to be. My sister in Law Melody says,
'be prepared for him finding you in six months with hat in hand.'
I doubt this, Carl is a decision maker, one reason he attracted me so. He makes up his mind and he
never sways from the course, he says he will find me in a few months when he has the whole business
straightened out, but I think that may be his very first lie to me.
Allison says that I was his pet, that he never hoped to catch a butterfly so bright, but feared keeping it....
I may never know, some people say we aren't meant to always know everything.
I do know that my soul is weary and I miss my son. and living near Janelle will be a blast again,
we are so very close.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and for that we can be thankful."

Going back to Boise is stirring ghosts for me. I can't turn back the clock nine years and I don't want to, but I want the thoughts to quit churning in my head
I don't want to go to Boise, it feels like I am going backwards not forward.

One step forward, three steps back.

I quit crying today, I quit questioning and obsessing. Keeping busy is the best thing I can do. That and worry, will I be ready in time? Not if I sit on my ass and obsess about going to Boise.

I will make it a point to get to Elko and visit. It's not out of reach, only I cannot remember how to get there, I don't remember how to get to Boise anymore.

I don't remember how to get out of my driveway.

I am sad.

I miss Daine, I miss my girls, I guess Boise won't be so bad.

OH guess what? Janelle said, her dad is glad I am coming back, he says I should never have left in the first place. She believes he says this merely to annoy his wife.....

glenadusky@yahoo.com

So, I write your name with shaking fingers in the sand. I watch the tide wash it away.
You are finished with me whatever category I fulfilled for you.
Dreams are nice, but I always wake up.
This was doomed from the start. I broke rules for you. I challenged fate. I know what
is right, I must always stick to what I know.
This is goodbye, you do not fool me with your attempt to tell me it is for a little while. I already know
what you are afraid to admit.
You will not wake up in a cold sweat regretting what you have done, you will continue to get stronger every day
Tomorrow you will not remember my kiss.
I am going to love you for a long time, I always knew this.
I shall take with me what you taught me, and I will always cherish it.
In the meantime I will sing, " Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" at the top of my lungs, by myself and I will smile.
And I will live life, like this is all there is.... because this is all there is.
I am out of the box that was being lowered on me.
Every day one is stronger, regaining spirit. Hope comes again.

Goodbye yellow Brick Road, where the dogs of society howl, you can't keep me in your pent house, I'm going back to my
plow. Back to the howley old owl in the woods, searching for horney back toads, I finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road.
Fuck you Carl!!!

.I cannot believe

I just wanted to remind you what you are to me.
but I cannot but feel the dread, the impending doom, your going to leave me screwed and homeless.
This is what happened a year ago to me and Daine, August to be exact. This is the month my son died,
this is the month that I get screwed.
We were homeless in August, cuz patty changed her mind about us living with her.
We came to live in Cathy's back bedroom so that daine could be used and abused by her son.
I don't think I have it in me to trust anymore.
You always said, This is now, that is the past... I wanted to believe you.
I wanted my life to turn around. Its not going to, I don't get you, and I don't get to live and laugh.
You have truly devastated me, I will not recover from this greatest betrayal. Just so you know.
If I could die right now, I would.

So today I walked on the beach barely gaining ground as the sand shifted beneath my feet. Thinking: Life is like this at times.
Struggling to gain footing, nearly falling but keeping at it till you finally reach your destination.
I thought, how much easier the struggle in the sand would be with you holding my hand.
So it will be, you and I holding hands struggling together with the same goal in mind.
I will hold you up when you fall and you will hold me up. We don't have to do anything alone now, we have each other.
Like minded and very much in love we can go the distance together.
Hope I have imparted my deepest heart to you, my greatest love, my last love.

My computer is 7 years old. It has onboard componets, I have upgraded when I could, and have re-formatted and updated.....
NOW it politely tells me that it is going on standby... or it flashes me rudely then goes to the blue screen of death.
It changes the pixels so that the screen has a huge picture on it when I turn it on.
Sometimes for fun it hides the toolbar.
I am going to catapult it off a cliff.
We are past the best part of our relationship. Well I am not sure if we ever had one. Mostly it has tolerated me with amusement. I have put up with it because of necessity. Daine cut his teeth on it, Lucy acquired flea medicine because of it, I kept in touch with my family inspite of it... However I do not feel full of gratefulness, I feel agitation and ready to toss its pampered carcass off the nearest hill, with a WHOOP of JOY!!!
Ahem... Seven years is a long time in Computer years.
Besides it was an ungrateful rebuilt cheap Frankenstein piece of doo doo from the beginning.
SOOO Next you will be hearing about the new tower I am getting....... May we have 7 good years together.

A brief history of mankind
......So I wonder where I will be living next year? Seems pretty futile doesn't it? I cannot seem to stay on the right path.
OR if I was ever on the right path, I got kicked off somehow. Did anyone really love me? I mean truly? I think not.
It seems I can only get love if I am perfect. If I make a mistake they don't love me anymore.
I have till September, then I will have to move, but maybe I have to move anyway, I mean tomorrow? I got 12 bucks to last me. SO now what do I do? I Think I have trusted too much again. I seriously need to be safe and stable, I am none of these things.
I could be, I need a break, a streak of luck.
Too bad I loved him so much. Too bad. My gut belief was "Leave him alone till he is free, he will have so much baggage, and responsibility." Dumb me, I didn't stay away very well.
If I don't go crazy with longing, I will survive this too. If I quit looking back, and go forward, I will come through this somehow.
DAMMIT!
Daine is safe for the time being. I am just a disposable woman, not of any worth.
Nevermind, it doesn't matter.

After we got over the missing racing slug, we had an even more fun
experience with the lovely four year old.
My seven year old son was playing a video game, his sister (25) was
reading a book on the couch. I was napping.
Janelle looks up from her book and sees four year old Kayla singing and
cuddling something in her arms. She says, "what do you have sweatheart?"
Kayla says, "My baby, mom."
Closer inspection... it was a dead rat, quite large and quite stiff. I hope
she hasn't traumatized the child with her screaming. Our trusty roommate
removed the offending "baby".
Kayla was sad to lose it, but Janelle showed her that her stuffed kitty
smelled nicer. ( after she scrubbed Kayla with hot water and soap.

Red Rocks Amphitheater

Daine's birthday is tomorrow, and I thought it would be amusing to catch him a big ugly revolting slug, and tell him it was his birthday present.
After all there are slug races on Sunday at the Azalia festival. This is one BIG slug. I think he is very fast too.
So very fast that he came up missing.

Janelle: "Daine! where is your slug?"
Mom: "EWWW Gross, find it!"
Daine: "You find it, I didnt ask you to give me a slug."
Mom: "Well I did give you a slug so you need to find it."
Janelle: "Mom! I found him, Gross!"
Mom: "Gross? Oh, don't tell me, is it in one piece?"
Daine: "did someone eat it?"
Janelle: "No, I don't know how to explain where it is."
Mom: "Well I am not going to look."
Janelle: "it's in the stereo, do these speakers pop off."
Mom: " it really is a racing slug."
Janelle: "we need a lid on that slug's container."

So, we are easily entertained.

You are the most exciting, loving, generous person I have met in my entire life.
I sit here alone each morning thinking of ways I can help you, and I can not come up with anything.
Baby, IF I could be there for you I would, it's making me crazy knowing you are drifting in and out of pain and conscienceness without me there.
My love for you is strong, and pure, my love for you is unselfish.
NEVER do I want to be in a position where I cannot be there by your side for everything you have to go through.
I want to be your rock as you are mine.
I know that love like this only comes once in a life time, at least, I know that it is only once in my life time.
I sit here crying, and I know you would not like that, but I cannot help it.
It is like a big bear has been brought down in the woods with a single arrow. (Promise me you will never shoot bears)
I know you are strong and healthy, and I have great hope that all of your strength will be returned to you.
Soon you will be on the hunt again, better then ever, and I want to be there cheering you on.
WE love you.Life could not be so awful that I cannot have you for the rest of our lives.
I am looking forward to that day when I get to call you mine and I get to be by your side.
Your lover, concubine, wife, friend, greatest admirer....
Glena Jean

Mary Tyler Moore
You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you.

The Last Unicorn Says

It is all good.
Every path I take, everything I learn.
I give it to God, I actually never took it back.
You know what I mean.
I gave you to God as well, perhaps that will be my un-doing.
My head is up, my eyes are open, my hands outstreached. I am ready to receive, are you?
Love me Back

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.
Incubus

My dreams are dust
Why didn't you leave me alone? Why pick me up, only to let me down.
I remember I said, I would be happy for what ever I received and I would be fine when you left.
Stupid. I forgot how love feels.
I forgot the physical pain that another person can cause.
It would be better to be hit, then to feel this pinching in my chest.
You are not going to hurt like I am, I remember what you said, and it was very enlightening.... You don't remember what love is anymore. Be very thankful that you don't, it's not worth the pain. To remain dead inside is safe.
I have to thank you for reminding me of my place.

Hooray!
Don't know what we are celebrating, but I feel it coming.
It is the time of the impending doom, it is almost here, the finalist. One more time together I know.
When did it switch to misunderstanding from great appreciation? When did it start to go sour?

I think he changed his mind somewhere along our path, and I did not recognize the signs. I did not see it coming.
I won't be a project, I won't be put down, I will be forgotten.
BUT I shall never forget, Love is not for me, I really let myself love this time, I really believed.
There will never be a next time, I know when I am being dumped. I know that I allowed ten years to fall before I fell in love, and I know that I was right to guard my heart. Now the pain is so complete, I feel my training in pain must be over, I have graduated.
I feel a big fat broken promise is about to be sent my way.
To this I say, "Fuck It!" It is hardly of any importance in the scheme of things.
I am going to Las Vegas, and I am going to start anew.
I know that I will never never do this again. I fought it from the beginning, I must have known in the back of my mind he would pull away, he would become scared.
I have myself.
I should never dream.

The Last Unicorn
It has occurred to me that I have been reading that book for some 30 years now.
First in school, then to my husband, now to my 6 year old son.
Daine sits very still while I read it.
The words paint pictures in his head.
They made a cartoon out of it for children, which was stupid, it's an adult fairy tale, I wish the guy that made lord of the rings would get a hold of it.
I just bought the book again for the third time. My original copy is very worn out. The second one I bought for Chelsie a few years back.

We are at the part where Schmendrick the Magician helps the unicorn escape the evil witch mommy fortuna.
Then daine went outside and caught a snake, he was very proud of himself till it bit him...
I told him that snakes don't bite. WELL they never have me.
He didn't seem to put out by the whole thing.
He is sporting a big black eye, one of my daycare kids threw a dog toy at him, and it him in the head... of course.
The wounded Viking.
He is back in his own bed again, after a week of telling me that the walls close in on him in his room, and he is afraid that someone will try and kill me, so he has to be with me.

I go to the disposition on Monday. Carl is coming up for moral support. Kevin is taking the day off to watch Daine. I still don't know what I am going to say,My friend Christopher explained to me that they will sentence Patrick at this time, because Pat confessed they won't actually have a trial. That is why its important to me to say my piece it will effect what happens to Patrick. I still don't know what to say, I have kicked it around for nearly three months now. Words cannot describe what has been taken away from all of us as a family, and what my baby has had to go through, physically and emotionally.
SO pray for us, the time is at hand.
Love Glena
(I think I AM the last Unicorn)

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You don't fear making plan's a year in advance because you don't fear death.

I do, I think I will be swept off into oblivion at any given moment. This was a strange and terrible burden for me since I was about five years old.
I think of death as my conscienceness being snuffed out. Like my soul will be gone and I will cease to exist.
I know what the bible says, and I know how it is interpreted, however, how many people do you know that have come back and told us about it? That thing about the light at the end of the tunnel is merely self hypnosis before the BIG FAT NOTHING. That is what I secretly think, but I believe in God just in case.
Do you think I am insane?
If I am it's been fun at times.

All is well in the St.Kevin/Dusky household. Carl left Saturday and it seems like months since I saw him. A few phone calls a day are not enough, I need a new hobby beside obsession.
The ill mannered un-washed children are fighting all morning. I have put a stop to it several times. I am thinking of buying a garden hose. I will turn it on them next. AHHH yes this is my true calling, everyone says so.

Mr. Long term Insurance
I dont have any freaking insurance. K???

I am up late, and I cannot sleep, I prefer not to tell you why, but here goes.....
I miss you, I love you, I desire your touch.
You melted the Ice Princess, and I think you know.
I told St. Kevin, that if you are through with me, I will never love another man again. OOH yeah, it sounds so damn dramatic... BUT I mean it baby. After loving you, no one will ever do.
If I could unleash my shyness and tell you... I have many images of your sweet face. Your sincerity when you told me that the fishing was lousy, your optimism when you offered me San Francisco.
I will be an old lady some day raising cats, and my favorite memory will be of you looking at me and explaining that the fishing was lousy and you were up here to see me. I am honored. so blessed that a man like you could love someone like me.
You are so amazing. OH honey I hope you are truly mine.
I love you so much it hurts to breathe, tonight I sleep alone.
All I can see is that sweet mouth of yours.. The one I could kiss forever.
I wish I could kiss you again. I wish I could make you smile.
Carl I love you so much.
Love me back

Tortured Noises
Ok
honestly I am not doing very well. I am at the point of giving up.
When I look back I seem to be a failure at everything. Taking full responsibilty for my failures, I try. I seem to be a target.
I am so overhwelmed, I don't know where to start anymore.
I give up, I am going to ask my brother to come and get me.
I feel so pointless.

http://duskydawn2.tripod.com/duskyscellar

(Dear Glena,)
REMEMBER? this is why we don't drink.
Love; your Brain.....whats left of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unplanned party here last night. I hate that special time at 3 A M when you are trying to get your unwanted guests to go home.
Why do they think they need a kiss goodbye?
My kisses are all taken.
Right now I would be like kissing the inside of an ashtray.
Remind me NOT to do this every again.
I had guests in my bed so I got the couch. Kevin didn't come home last night, wouldn't he have been surprised!
houseful of beer and smoked cigarette butts.
I feel very shitty, I expect I look very shitty too, and there is a godawful smell emitting from my pits.
I outgrew this years ago.
MAAAAAA

Allison Jr.s mom called and asked if she could go out tonight and I watch her kid, I said why not, I am sitting here doing nothing anyway.
Allison is going through this long drawn out speech about what a boring day she had, and Daine is listening to her politely.
He breaks my heart. He listens politely and when she is done he runs quickly up the stairs before she goes on. Funny.

I don't think too many 6 year old boys are that polite with little girls having a bitch fest. Reminds me of adults.
Men nod and listen, women go on and on.
Bob asked me out several times again. I am thinking "NO, is good, NO NO." not sure how he misintreprets NO.
It's nearly 11:00 no Kevin, I thought he was due back around 8ish.
We don't have the kind of relationship where I am allowed to get worried and call the police. He is either here or he is not.
If he is abducted by aliens they will give him back I am pretty sure.
Allison is not happy about seeing me on a saturday night. Her mommy never goes out. I told Allison that her mommy works very hard and it's ok for her to go out. I give her permission, lol.
The other thought was, Tony (Allison Jr.s Mom) could stay here and I could go tie one on. I am in the mood.
I like to dance all night long, and walk home in the early hours of morning. Always by myself, I am a wild child with a high standard.
ahh too much information, I apologise. STILL no Kevin.
Nothing new here, stagnating and thinking to much.
Later Gator.
New name is Gladys Carp

I am suspicious by nature, so I can accept the perfect man is married, because if he was single it would be something worse.
I DONT think we will end up together, because I am truly in love.
HE is the one for me, no doubts, but it will never happen because I wasn't destined to be happy. THERE I said it..... I am gloomy gus

For all their promises they are after all only Men and they don't use their brains in the same way WE do.
Why trade a 35 year marriage for someone you have known under a year?
I can provide that small service that he doesn't get at home. SO we know what that makes me.
THIS is just NOT ME. I walk the straight and narrow path of dignity, and now I am head long into a scandal and love affair that would rival a 1920's movie star.
I want to start my life over again.

Daine is back in his own bed, and he asked me to get rid of some toys that pat had done something to, I don't know what, but Daine has an association problem with them so out the door they go.
I told him that I am like that too, if something bad happens to me and I was around some thing, it brings back bad memories so I have to get rid of it. Like the alarm clock I used when we stayed with Cathy, I hate it now. It reminds me of hard times.
Since I moved his bed to the southwest corner of his room and took the loft legs off of it, he has slowly been going back to his room to play. The memories seem to be fading

News just in
Life officially sux
I know the perfect man for me.
He isn't free.

Dear Jenny,
It is so horrible it's unspeakable. However, I am on a campaign to stop the silence. I am the fortunate one because my little boy told.
Very few children ever report this crime. about 3 percent I think.
My boy is very different he trusted his mommy to stop the pain.
Now he sleeps on the floor in a nest with his toys surrounding him for protection, and clings to my side, and as I said on my blog (online diary) I pulled him out of school.
I did that online diary several years ago as a way for my kids to keep in touch with what I was doing. Then I saw it as a way to spread the information that I am not allowed to talk about until Pat goes to trial.. RIGHT! AS IF!
everyone in this town will know about this predator when I am done.

Kevin the roommate, had a date over last night, I got to reap the benefits and eat his excellent lasagna.
Maria brought a present for Daine, girlscout cookies. I was immediately taken back to the time you and I sat in beanbag chairs and listened to Styx, and ate two boxes of cookies.
You are right, if we saw each other it would be like only yesterday.

Pray for us, I do, and I still pray for everyone else. My sanity is in question, at least I feel like I am unraveling. I do not know if I can speak at the trial, I break down into tears very easily, even sometimes looking at the soft cheek of my darling baby boy.
Wondering what I should have done different? I never leave him alone now, I let him play, but I always am a heartbeat away from him.
He knows.

I didn't want Ronny to be right... however, it seems that it has begun, at least a little, and where my boy is concerned I am very picky about his life conditions.

His first grade teacher (The Anal Retentive one) pulled me aside, and like some sooth sayer, said that she had noticed Daine acting out.... "hmmm she said, when did you move into your new home??" I said December.... "AHHH right" she said, "thats when Daine wasn't acting out. But... Now he is again." I asked what she meant by ACTING OUT? she said, "well... he just doesn't seem right.."
Whatever!!
Then she dropped another bomb..
"We all decided", she said...." that if Daine ever needs to talk, all he has to do is say so, and I will send him to the councelor's office."
I said, "NO, I don't like that, he has a councelor, and I don't know this school councelor, and I don't want other people talking to him. I have no idea what type of training she has and NO< NO< I don't want Daine singled out... he is suposed to return to a normal life..."
Then she dropped bomb number three.... this gets really good.

"We are going to study, bad touch, and good touch next, week, and anatomy". I said, "OH? Why? Why now? can't you wait? I think you are opening a can of worms here, and I don't think Daine knows appropriate times to talk and when not to."
I personally feel that she thinks of Daine as soiled, and doesn't want him around anymore.
I told her, that I wanted him in first grade full time, he keeps missing out on activities that mean a lot to him. (He goes to kindergarten in the morning and first grade in the afternoon, a program called K-1, for kids that aren't quite ready for first grade, but have past kindergarten.)
She smiled and said," we will have to put that to the board". I could see the distaste on her face when she looked at my son, clinging to my leg at that moment.
He had been waiting outside, and decided that I had been talking to his teacher long enough, and knocked at the door and ran to me and wrapped around my leg.
Daine and I see the councelor Tuesday at 6 PM... I will put it to him, he was a school teacher first, so he will know what can be done.
Janelle wants him to be with her. They have a school next door, and he will be with his nieces again. She isn't worried about inappropriate content, she has known Daine all his life and loves him more then a brother, like he is her own baby. I am afraid to send him to You, because that would be such a big change, and I know that he has been through hell and back.
However, I don't want to send him anywhere. I will be devastated without my son.
I will talk to the councelor and see what he says, I don't think I can make a fair decision. The outcome is what is best for Daine, and Damn everyone else.
It seems the pain doesn't go away, and Patrick is going to school everyday, like nothing has happened. Meanwhile our lives seem to be spiralling downward.

Dear Judge
upholder of truth and justice......

Let all the preditor's know, they have a friend in Brookings Oregon. This is the place that you can stalk and abuse small children and get off with a hand slap!
You can start your own club and be president.
Come one Come all! We are going to the Freakers ball!

I am so angry right now, that I am paralyzed.
Daine sleeps with me most of the time, before this happened to him he liked his own bed.
Sometimes I look at that soft rosy cheek on the pillow and listen to the soft
breathing, and I think only a monster could take a child's trust and use it in such a way.
He doesn't want to leave my side, now that he has told me, he doesn't feel safe
unless he is with me.
My brave little boy with the infecious laugh has become introverted and afraid.
He suffers from stomach pain and headaches, and still doesn't know if he can control his bowels.
IF Pat gets off without punishment, I am afraid that I cannot go on.
I have to believe that justice will be done, I have to believe that some stupid bleeding heart liberal, won't let the blue eyed child preditor loose
I have to believe this was all a horrible nightmare, and I promise I won't ever eat pickles before going to bed again..
Make it go away.

the day the music died




Denial is over, the worst has yet to begin.
No more, " Pat has a different story." will be told by the
unknowing mother.

Pat's stories are over.
Pat was once a young child being brutalised by someone, no one
noticed, no one came to his rescue. Now Pat has graduated into
a practiced Pediafile. He cannot be saved.
Pat systematically set children up, bribed, cajoled,
threatened, then molested them for personal gratification.

How can you push this under the rug? it's a fact, it happened,
and has probably been happening for years.
The question is, who did this to Pat? Who robbed Pat of his
childish innocence, used and abused him and made him keep the
secret?

I am sorry that no signs were noticed, that Pat went on alone in
his world of pain and rejection with no one to hear his silent
plea's for help.
No one heard Pat.
Someone heard Daine however, and Pat must be stopped.

I think Pat is very far gone, anyone that can molest a small boy
when others are present in the house, and act as if nothing is
wrong, can stand by and watch the same child's humilation
because the child can no longer control his bowels, with a cold
and uncaring eye, and can accept money with a smile for baby-
sitting, is beyond my comprehension.

We failed Pat, let him be the last child, let us open our eyes,
and keep our children safe.

Education stops abuse, we must tell the story,
and we must tell it Right.

I once knew a woman who sang the blues, I asked her for some happy news, she just smiled and turned away.

(American Pie, Don Mc Lean)

I WISH

I wish there was a way to take back harsh words once they are said.

I wish there was a way to change a path you took when it turned out to be the wrong way.

I wish I hadn't eaten that left over sandwich :((

I wish my brothers could understand that I am not the total flake they think I am.

I wish I could re-write history.

Oh how happy I would be.

Warning.... this is graphic material




Daine and I have been through hell the last few days, I haven't told anyone. I wrote this letter in my mind to Cathy the woman that we lived with last summer,I won't be talking to her, but if I did, this is what I would say.
The experts say that Daine will be fine.... but will he?
Glena







How dare you tell me, "We know that Daine lies."
We both know that Daine didn't lie. Patrick hit him that day that I told you, then told you a farfetched tale that YOU bought, because you are in Denial. YOU decided that your son didn't hit Daine, even though I heard the smack, and saw the welt.

Kenny knew something. Remember when you were Correcting Kenny, and he changed the subject with "Patrick isn't what you think, there are things about Patrick you don't know." and you immediatly assumed that it was drugs and started going on about, "Pat you have to tell me if its drugs."
I watched Pat's face go white, and I knew that it wasn't drugs.. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was something terrible.

Meanwhile he had been sodomising Daine all summer, leaveing bruises on Daine's back that I couldn't connect to any normal activity.. (GAWD was I naive) Daine's bowels started exploding at that time... guess what? that is a sign of SODOMY.. Sodomy is what YOUR Patrick has been doing to my son, WHO incidently Doesn't lie. YOUR son lies, and rapes small children, and hits them and threatens them with harm.

Your son is already dead, do you know that? There is no cure for a pediafile, Patrick is a pediafile.
I wish Patrick had to go through the examinations, and pictures, and Questioning that my BABY had to go through yesterday.
Pictures of Daine's Genitalia, Rectal exams, Penis exams...
All this because Patrick treated my child like a cheap sex toy, all this because, YOU are an overbearing, controlling, in denial, lying stupid bitch... DO you think I want to talk to you? DO you think I have anything to say? YOU thought me weak, you thought you could manipulate me like you have your children and husband, but it aint going to happen, YOUR going down, your main concern is money, well get used to being poor, I am suing you for everything, do you think I am paying for the medical and the therapy that I need to get for my child?
Isn't it ironic, that Pat accepted money for watching Daine? He got money and sexual pleasure as well, what a deal.
We think he molested Cole your neighbor, and he tried Bradley but Bradley ran away, and Daine had to stay and take it up the ass.
Isn't it wonderful that I raised such a loving sweet trusting child? and your raised two Sociopathic pieces of shit? Your mothering skills make this world a more dangerous place to live. THANK GOD you only had two, and they will both be in prison before too long anyway.
These monster's didn't happen over night.. they were created over the years, get some counceling for yourself while your at it, and try to listen..
Don't call me anymore, I don't want your friendship. I dont want your disease.
I always cringed when you handed out your advice to everyone in earshot. I felt you were so clueless. I knew that I could never talk to you, you would not get it, YOU thought you were the enlightened one.

ARE you still trying to say, my son lied, or was mistaken? or on drugs after you and Pat got to talk to the police yesterday?
It wouldn't surprise me.
I want apologies, I want money and I want Patrick in Jail.
I want you to pull your head out of your ass, and face this awful truth, I had to. I had two nights of no sleep because I couldn't get the pictures out of my head of your son pushing my child into the bed rails and sodomising him till he begged him to stop. Then Daine going into the bathroom and facing further humiliation because he couldn't control his bowels. Guess who was first to condem Daine's Hygene??? YOU of course...
I want this to end, and I want my child's innocense back.
I lost my job because of this, possibly my future in the daycare business, thanks to you, everything is messed up, thanks to your horrible monster, my son will have to be monitored.
go to hell.
Glena

My Yahoo!
I didn't want to post a new blog.
I wanted to read the old stuff. Driving Dain to school, looking down at the sea from the road through a ring of trees. I told Dain, this is the unicorn woods. He said "Why?" I told him because it is always spring, and where a unicorn lives it is always spring. This is from the book by Peter S Beagle... called "The last unicorn"

Down to nine dollars.... need gas in my car. and I am out of eggs and TP..... how far can nine dollars stretch? Enquiring minds are about to find out.

Alarming Barney

Well I figured out why Barney bugs me so much.... not the fact that a giant dinosaur with an annoying voice is cavorting around with children, but the age of the children..
Here are these kids nearing their teens and they are singing little alphabet songs, and playing baby games. THATS IT!
IT'S not age appropriate.... thankfully, I have solved this mystery after all these years, I know you will all thank me later.
(Especially Janelle and Chelsie, I know they ponder these things constantly)