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Friday, September 19, 2008

Boom


I don't know how it happened. I don't know how things got away from me, but they did.
That stuff, you know, things beyond my control. Andy took off and never came back, I understand he is upset and cannot communicate very well, however he has taken things too far. I am going to look for a job and when he comes back, it is up to him what he wants to do about our "relationship" Because I am tired of this game, I don't play it. For the first seven days he would not answer my calls or text messages, so I was beginning to figure out that perhaps he didn't want to talk to me. This after he left with a warm smile and a wave, and he would call me when he got "THERE" what a lyer he is. I talked to Dear Dr. Armentrout yesterday, he thought since Andy was raised by wolves I should handle him with care and let him come back on his own time if I wanted to continue the relationship. I am never going to get quite what I am looking for from Andy. BUT now I think Andy is being a selfish baby, and I think I can live better on my own. I have never felt so together as I have these last few months. I am un-medicated, and living on my own perceptions, and the dreadfuls seem far away, even though my life is far from perfect. I do hate living in limbo, I would like Andy to make up his mind and quit this game he is playing. In fact I am starting to feel angry. I have been very good to him. I have expectations from life as well, and he isn't even in the big picture, more like the little smudge in the corner of the comic book.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

नोट सो प्रेत्टी picture

I am grateful for so many things it is hard to focus on one thing. The feeling of gratitude washes over me with a tingling feeling of sheer happiness. Today as I lay on the bed thinking about my youngest daughter’s attitude toward me I felt sad. I cannot understand how one can do so much for a child only to have them tell others a totally different story. It wasn’t the happy depiction that I had pictured at all. My daughter was unquestionably rude to me; she decided to go home early and wanted me to drive her “this very minute.” She told her friends that I did nothing for her. This is interesting since I have bought her two cars, paid for six months of insurance, brought her and the babies’ home and waited on them hand and foot while trying to do my homework. My reality is different then hers, I don’t understand this. My oldest daughter and youngest son were there also, they didn’t see things the way the new mother had. They saw me working hard to please someone that wasn’t being reasonable. What causes this discrepancy in perception? How does she see it so differently then the rest of us? I know she isn’t lying, but she is so off the mark of what really happened here.
Anyway, what I am really grateful for is THEY are gone. The new mother, the new baby and the two year old. Peace is in my home again. I love it.

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