It never remembers me anyway

Last final was tonight.
I celebrated with a 81 cent TV dinner and a glass of home brewed ice tea. YAY living fancy here!

who gave out my number?

SOOO aparently after ten years, the state of Idaho caught up with the father and demanded child support.
Dee called to let me in on the happy news. I told her that I didn't know where they lived so Idaho found them on it's own, I didnt want their money. I didnt want them to try and have 'rights' where my son is conserned.
Dalen said, "lets not fight about that now,its good that I can pay child support." Dee piped up with,"WE tried before but you wouldn't let us." I said "you tried to take Daine." I don't need this shit.

why did I buy all that chocolate?

I got both stories written and all my assignments turned in before nine oclock tonight... THREE HOURS to spare. SO I don't care if I write ever again.
I will wonder why if I don't get a good grade, I put in obvious effort.
SIGH But I am not the teachers pet, in fact I suspect I am the least favorite in his class.

Dressed in White

Short story



White, everything was white. Soft fluffy towels, washcloths, the little bits of soap in white packets, the crisp linens, and the carts carrying the supplies were also white.
We were in jeans topped with white smocks and wearing white caps on our unkempt hair. My friends said no one was as white as I was. I was embarrassed because I never got the California tan that the other girls had and remained white all summer long.
It was 1976; I was 19 years old and I had my first real job. But I also had other plans. I was going to Montana to marry my Childhood sweetheart. My future seemed cut out for me.
The maids of the Pier Pont Inn were drinking cokes in hotel glasses filled with ice and swinging on the porch swing, out on the veranda that faced the ocean. I can hear the click of the ice, the slosh of the liquid, and the pop and snap of the chains of the porch swing.
I loved these girls; they were my co-workers and my dearest friends. This was my send off party, and we have all squeezed onto the swing one last time together to talk about life and listen to the creak of the strained swing together.
The swing creaked, the ice clinked, and the girls laughed and joked. I felt at the time, set apart, as if I was watching from far away. The scene would never be repeated again. Tomorrow I would take a plane from L. A. and land in Missoula, Montana for the next chapter of my life.
Earlier, I had been pushing the white cart up the steep hallway, trying to maneuver while I watched the ocean. Many of the rooms faced the sea and have covered porches protecting them from wind and rain. Pushing the loaded cart up the steep walkway, which I had done so often, would not be missed. It was the last room on the list before the next chapter in my life, I thought, as I began doing my work. Wipe down the bathroom, fresh towels, and fresh linens, remove the trash and vacuum. It was methodical, like an assembly line. Just then the girls popped up behind me and said,
“Join us on the sea veranda, bring your cart, we want to say goodbye to you.
So here we were talking and clicking our glasses together, celebrating our friendships and saying goodbye. It just seemed wrong somehow. I didn’t really want to go; I knew I was giving up my will by going to Montana and the friendships I had. Nevertheless, working at the Pierpont Inn for minimum wage, and trying to save for Los Angeles Baptist College was taking too long and I had lost focus on my goal, to sing. I had forgotten the invitation to join in the college’s vocal group and it was a matter of survival now, and it wasn’t much fun anymore. Moving to Montana was an easy way out, marry, raise children, go to church, be a good woman and never worry about trying to compete in the real world. I was only nineteen, what did I know; it just seemed like the right thing to do, the easiest thing to do.
A stiff breeze blew up from the sea, and being February in Ventura, it was springtime. The trees were filled with white blossoms and the promise of warmer weather on the way. The wind made the blossoms fall off the trees until it looked a lot like a snowstorm in Montana and some of them blew into our coke glasses.
Daniel the gardener was walking towards us. He was trying very hard not to look at me, we had a mutual crush going, but I was moving to Montana and that was that.
“What are you women doing here? It’s against the rules to use the guest’s swing you know.”
One of the girls piped up,
“We are giving a send off party, either join us and shut up or leave, those are your choices.”
“It is for you isn’t it?” Daniel was looking right at me, and I could feel my cheeks getting hot.
I nodded overcome with bashfulness; it was always that way for me. I had quite a sharp wit unless someone talked to me, then my tongue folded up and I could not speak aloud.
“Old Lady at twelve o’clock!” one of the girls shouted. This was the cue to clean up our mess and get out of there quick. The hotel owner Mrs. Pierpont was ninety years old and would fire us on spot, if she caught us drinking cokes, and swinging on the porch swing. She didn’t like her employees fraternizing during working hours and swinging on the guests swing was a means of dismissal.
I turned to look at them, but they were already carrying glasses and heading toward the kitchen. It was only Daniel and I left standing there. I started pushing my cart and nearly tipped the whole thing over when the wheel caught on a hole in the cement walk way. I was trying so desperately to get out of there and not be alone with Daniel or look at him I was not paying attention to the cart that was teetering dangerously, when Daniel reached out to set it right.
“You would have had smashed glasses to clean up too, better pay attention.”
“I am paying attention.” I said and I felt irritated because the clever words I thought of would never exit my mouth, I would remain tongue tied in Daniel’s presence from here until eternity, and I wanted to talk, I really did.
“Could you at least look at me?” he asked, and I shook my head in the negative, I could not bring myself to look him in the eye. He had caught me many times looking at him when I thought it was safe.
I remember his smell and the way the light sweat clung to his neck. He had been working hard out in the rose bed again. He took great pride in Mrs. Pierpont’s rose bed. If I raised my eyes he would be looking at me, I felt my face get hot I sighed and looked up.
“That’s better” Daniel said, “Was that so hard?” All I could do was shake my head in the negative like a ninny.
“Looks like a piece of the wheel chipped off when you hit that hole”, he said.
“Shit” I said before I could stop the outburst. Blushing even redder then imaginable.
“Ahhh she is human and not an angel.” Daniel laughed at me. My name was Angel and I endured many jokes on that subject.
It has nothing to do with being human and all to do with how I would feel confronting our boss about the mishap. Daniel noticed my distress and offered,
“I have an extra wheel in the shed, it would take me about five minutes to fix it, quit looking so upset, I can do this, I am handi-man and gardener extraordinaire, ok?”
I watched him with hope and suspicion would this cost me later? Oh what could I worry about I was taking the early morning flight to Montana I couldn’t be much safer. Then it dawned on me all those years ago, I was looking for safe, and I was not the kind of girl who would be happy with safe. I was shy, but I had a wild rebellious streak, and moving to Montana and Marrying Michael might make us all miserable. I wish I had given it more thought before making such a big decision. What a time for cold feet I thought. I always tried to keep my promises but would I be doing Michael a favor if I eased off and asked for more time? He was in a big hurry for me to come home; he said I was changing too much. He said he could tell when we spoke on the telephone. I talked about all my new friends and what we were doing each evening, and it worried him.
The question to be asked; what was running from dreams and what was running to them? Should I struggle to save for tuition to LABC, or should I swallow my ambition and move back to Montana? I did love Michael, didn’t I? We had so much past together. Neighbors since childhood, he was my hero and I was his little angel. Had I outgrown him and not noticed? I was running out of time. I was running out of time on the time clock too, I had better finish up.
Daniel stared at me a moment then turned to get the wheel from the shed. I licked my dry lips and turned into the last room on my list.
Wipe down the bathroom, fresh towels, and fresh linens, remove the trash and vacuum. I had said this in my mind a hundred times over. I was thinking about Daniel now as I worked. Why was I so nervous whenever he was near me? I was calm around Michael, calm and comfortable. With Daniel, my heart pounded and my cheeks flamed. I barely knew him, why did it have to be so hard?
The hum of the vacuum drowned out Daniel’s hello, or maybe my mind was wandering far away, suddenly there he was looking at me.
“I said hello when I came in but I guess you didn’t hear me” Now it was his turn to look sheepish as he held something behind his back. Slowly he pulled them from behind him I saw an armload of Mrs. Pierpont’s Roses. Instant dismissal I thought.
“Worth the chance” he laughed reading my mind.
“Are you about finished here.”
I nodded; though I was a timid girl, I was beginning to feel more comfortable in his presence. I think that even then Daniel had it in his mind to persuade me to stay in California a little while longer, though I suspected nothing at the time. I was too naïve and trusting even for the average nineteen year old. In that moment, I realized that Daniel liked me. I was too shy and nervous to see the signs before. The smiles and waves from afar and how he always showed up where ever I was working. He always was so smooth in his manner but a closer look told me that he was almost as nervous as I was. “I have something else for you too.” He said searching for words. “Its not here, I have to take you to it. Would that be alright?”
“I have to turn my things in and I can meet you in thirty minutes.” I said
I remember feeling adventurous I was game for anything that came along. This was my last day of work, last night in a town I loved and the last time I would see Daniel. I wondered what he would show me I wondered as I walked to the parking lot, but I was not afraid
“Over here.” I remember him saying standing next to a motorcycle, holding a helmet in his hand. “Put this on and let’s go, we’re taking a ride.” I have committed to memory the ride as I held on. The cool breeze hitting my face as I tried to shield myself behind him. The roar of the engine and the sound of the wind and the scenery that’s still gorgeous along route 101 to Las Positas Park. Is this where we were going, I wondered? I had heard about this place but never had the chance to visit it. Located in the mountains the view was supposed to be spectacular.
“Almost there.” He yelled over the sound of engine and wind. Within minutes we turned into the park. I was overwhelmed by sight and sound and wondering what I had myself into, but immediately shrugging off any worries. Today would take care of itself I thought.
He pulled the bike off the road and stopped. Daniel reached out to hold my hand.
“I have wanted to bring you here for a long time,” he said as we walked up a dirt road. “Now close your eyes and I’ll guide you. Keep your eyes closed.”
A million things were running through my mind. I was not afraid I was excited, I thought I knew where he was bringing me, but I wasn’t positive. When we began stepping down steps, I knew.
I could actually hear my heart beating as I opened my eyes to see where I stood. The view was incredible I stood in an amphitheater that was carved out of the mountain. Daniel leaned forward and kissed my ear. I looked around me my heart beating fast. We were at the bottom of a stone bowl. All around us were steps going up into the sky, just like an amphitheatre of Roman times. I could only look up. Above was the sea, and it seemed likely to spill into the bowl. How could men think to build such and amazing thing?
“I know you like to sing and thought you might like singing here,” he said with a wide grin on his face.
I had always dreamed about singing in an amphitheater someday, in front of hundreds of people. Even though there were just a few people walking around at the top, to stand there, looking up, gave me butterflies in my stomach.
I opened my mouth to sing, a squeak came out, and the sound carried. I was mortified. This is nothing, I can do this, I opened my mouth to sing again, this time clear light notes floated over the air. I thought the breeze carried them out to sea.
“Lay me down and roll me out to sea, lay me down, roll me out to sea, waiting for a mighty wave to comfort me…” I knew it sounded good as I continued into the song, a song I loved since I was a young teenager not too long ago.
A few people began to gather at the top of the bowl, and watch me. I was hoping they would leave, but the more involved I was with the song the less I worried about being heard, it occurred to me I was meant to be heard, I was meant to sing. Daniel stepped away from me and began walking up the steps. I sang from my heart, the notes getting richer as my confidence grew, and my shyness melted away. There were birds calling in the distance and they only added to the song about lost love and longing.
Next afternoon, spring and blossoms changed to fog and Montana snow. The plane circled the runway several times visibility was at a minimum.
I am afraid I cannot go back into time and change the decisions I made. I did what I thought was right, but I often wonder about a cool breezy afternoon in Ventura California and if Daniel had not walked away, if he had only stayed and sang the song with me. Where would I be now?

Turning Fifty

There are those of you who think I am being a wimp. BUT... I thought by fifty I would realized who I am. I would be in a great relationship, own a home, garden all day, play with my grand babies.
INSTEAD I feel less sure of anything except short on rent again.
I am waiting for a sonnet dedicated to my beauty, and a love poem written about my many charms.
TODAY for the Mother/Son bonding event we made an effort to groom the Cocker Spaniel. He still loves us, and forgives quickely.
The shaver I bought barely moved the fur.. what the hell? Son thinks it was a momentuous event, but I still have to clean up the fur I managed to get off of parts of him.
I work four Pm till Midnight tonight. Daine goes to a barbecue with his sister and family... I WORK...I grouse.
I don't want to work, and yet I need to work more hours, I NEED someone to pay my rent before I end up living in the kids garage.
OK, but the sun is shining the air is mild and it is beautiful in Nampa Idaho today, and I am free of relationships that suck the air out of my lungs, and I have two pets I love dearly and and and.. its going to be ok, I just know it.