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Friday, August 06, 2004

"Down With The Sickness" Music Video
http://launch.yahoo.com/video/default.asp?vid=1079702

I am curious, Do you fear death now?

know you used to tell me that attitude is 99 percent of the problem.
My attitude is up and down these days.
When you are so sure of something and have absolutely NO Doubt and it's pulled right out from under you
it leaves a person very confused.
I thought I knew that Carl and I were meant to be. My sister in Law Melody says,
'be prepared for him finding you in six months with hat in hand.'
I doubt this, Carl is a decision maker, one reason he attracted me so. He makes up his mind and he
never sways from the course, he says he will find me in a few months when he has the whole business
straightened out, but I think that may be his very first lie to me.
Allison says that I was his pet, that he never hoped to catch a butterfly so bright, but feared keeping it....
I may never know, some people say we aren't meant to always know everything.
I do know that my soul is weary and I miss my son. and living near Janelle will be a blast again,
we are so very close.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and for that we can be thankful."

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Going back to Boise is stirring ghosts for me. I can't turn back the clock nine years and I don't want to, but I want the thoughts to quit churning in my head
I don't want to go to Boise, it feels like I am going backwards not forward.

One step forward, three steps back.

I quit crying today, I quit questioning and obsessing. Keeping busy is the best thing I can do. That and worry, will I be ready in time? Not if I sit on my ass and obsess about going to Boise.

I will make it a point to get to Elko and visit. It's not out of reach, only I cannot remember how to get there, I don't remember how to get to Boise anymore.

I don't remember how to get out of my driveway.

I am sad.

I miss Daine, I miss my girls, I guess Boise won't be so bad.

OH guess what? Janelle said, her dad is glad I am coming back, he says I should never have left in the first place. She believes he says this merely to annoy his wife.....

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

glenadusky@yahoo.com

So, I write your name with shaking fingers in the sand. I watch the tide wash it away.
You are finished with me whatever category I fulfilled for you.
Dreams are nice, but I always wake up.
This was doomed from the start. I broke rules for you. I challenged fate. I know what
is right, I must always stick to what I know.
This is goodbye, you do not fool me with your attempt to tell me it is for a little while. I already know
what you are afraid to admit.
You will not wake up in a cold sweat regretting what you have done, you will continue to get stronger every day
Tomorrow you will not remember my kiss.
I am going to love you for a long time, I always knew this.
I shall take with me what you taught me, and I will always cherish it.
In the meantime I will sing, " Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" at the top of my lungs, by myself and I will smile.
And I will live life, like this is all there is.... because this is all there is.
I am out of the box that was being lowered on me.
Every day one is stronger, regaining spirit. Hope comes again.

Goodbye yellow Brick Road, where the dogs of society howl, you can't keep me in your pent house, I'm going back to my
plow. Back to the howley old owl in the woods, searching for horney back toads, I finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road.
Fuck you Carl!!!



Monday, August 02, 2004

.I cannot believe

I just wanted to remind you what you are to me.
but I cannot but feel the dread, the impending doom, your going to leave me screwed and homeless.
This is what happened a year ago to me and Daine, August to be exact. This is the month my son died,
this is the month that I get screwed.
We were homeless in August, cuz patty changed her mind about us living with her.
We came to live in Cathy's back bedroom so that daine could be used and abused by her son.
I don't think I have it in me to trust anymore.
You always said, This is now, that is the past... I wanted to believe you.
I wanted my life to turn around. Its not going to, I don't get you, and I don't get to live and laugh.
You have truly devastated me, I will not recover from this greatest betrayal. Just so you know.
If I could die right now, I would.

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