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Sunday, December 28, 2003

After a rousting game of. " HI HO Cherry O", we discovered that "Babe" was on cable. Daine is engrossed. He remember's that it is Janelle's favorite movie. He knows this and I watch it with him with a touch of nostalgia... Where did the time go? OH Janelle if I can offer any advice it's..... "enjoy those baby's while you can."
Cheryl was here to see me, I watched her 25 years ago when I was a young mother in my early twentys... no matter what you think, that time surely will end and you will be an old mother or a grandmother... Time doesn't wait for anyone.
I looked at the scrap book, of Cheryl and Bradly when they were small. Time marches on... Cheryl is in her thirty's and a missionary in India.. Bradly is married with children of his own....
My babys are grown and on their own, with, or without anything I might have taught them.
I am thankful that I have Daine. He and I danced to "Brand New Day" by Sting. Neither you or Chelsie likes Sting.... Daine can dance awsome to Sting.
I miss you
Momma

Sunday, December 07, 2003

but my scotch is all gone, and I am bound for moving on. I'll look for you if I am ever back this way.... right... bugger off.

Friday, December 05, 2003

Moving into new, over priced expensive nice house. What a mess.....

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Yahoo! Mail - glenadusky@yahoo.com

..Enter Fool
It was so cold today, I had to pry my car door open.
I think I have a good grip on reality lately. I Shall wait and see what topples me next.
Daryl sent me and e-mail that if I wanted to get steamy he could come down to Brookings and put the light in my eyes.
I Decided not to call him.
Am I about that? no.... however it is a good thing I threw his phone number away even so.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Nebulous, Serendipity, Ethereal
I don't feel real. I feel disconnected.
I am she who waits.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

OK enough marriage and sulking..... I have reason enough to sulk, but I am not.
I am busily (is that a word) plotting my happiness.
Inspite of factors out of my control, I will be happy DAMMIT.
I approach life with cabbage salsa and hot orange reboks. I sit on a rock and overlook the small boats on the sea. I look on in horror as the dog lopes up to me smelling of dead things.
I walk along the river and smoke, smoke, smoke.
I sing when I feel like it. Sometimes I sing when I don't feel like it.
It's all good.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

Just to let you know whats going on in my life, message from cousin, and my answer back.



----- Original Message -----
From: Pat Tanner
To: sand_shoes
Sent: Sunday, August 10, 2003 1:51 PM
Subject: Seaside


I am not sure how to say this so I am just going to say it.

After meeting you I don't think you will be able to make it in Seaside through the winter. This is a hard town and you don't seem to have what it takes to make it.

Then your comment about how JIm shouldn't treat me like that about the house really pissed me off as I don't want you in my business I can see that now.

I would suggest that maybe you go back to Brookings or down to wherever Ronnie is as this will not work and I see no sense in pretending it will.

Pat
----- Original Message -----
From: Glena Dusky
To: Pat Tanner
Sent: Sunday, August 10, 2003 6:54 PM
Subject: Re: Seaside


I am certainly sorry I hurt your feelings, I didn’t' mean to, I know how loyal you are to your job. I was very hurt and confused when you told me Jim wouldn't allow us to stay with you. I think you are a wonderful and dependable person.

I will come to Seaside as I have to now.
You see, I had the truck ordered, friends coming to help etc.
If you don't wish to see me, I will honor your choice.
I am not sure exactly why you are so angry with me, as I have never meant you any harm, and I would not wish to be in your business. Occasionally I might say something that was best left unsaid, I think everyone does.
Once again I apologise.
My mail is forwarded to your home, I will rectify that as soon as I can get a post office box.
I hope you understand that when you asked us to come, I did set the ball rolling, and some things cannot be undone.
My home is sold and I must clean it for the next people moving in. I haven't found a job here either.
I have no place to go, and interestingly enough, if you had only called me a few moments sooner, I would not have payed my bills and I would have more money to work with, but be that as it may, everything has a reason.
If you wish me out of your life only say so, I never wish to disturb anyone, or hurt anyone in anyway.
Sincerely
Glena

Friday, August 08, 2003

Do-Over
Daine says when you screw up on a game you get a do-over
Can I have one for this whole summer?
I am suposed to leave town in a few days. My cousin calls, and lets me know her Landlord won't let her have anyone living with her. Even Temporary.
We have a truck reserved, friends arriving, favors promised, phone scheduled for shut off, mail changed to Pat's house,Promise of Job in Seaside... well maybe on that one.
Yesterday I get a JOB Order from the Unemployement Office.
NOT one all summer mind you, but tomorrow. So I have to go out on a job interview. There is a minute chance they will hire me.
Can I have a do-over?
Diane has been here all week, running her booth at the fair.
She is very upbeat and optomistic. Actually, I would rather have a root canal then help her at the fair. One is certain that the small amount of money involved will not be equal to the extra stress this has added to my week.
So I am asking, what do I do?
I guess go to the job interview. If I get this job, I have to find a place to live here. Very soon, like RIGHT NOW!
My cousin was searching for a place for me to live. We were thinking studio apartment for 240.00 a month. I think I can do that. THEN what if's....... What if LazorQuick printing doesn't hire me? What if's... I am suposed to have a long life so sayeth the psychic. I rather doubt it, will the stress eating away at me.
Daine was able to ride some rides at the fair yesterday. Four of them, he had so much fun. My joy was watching his face.
He has to stay at the fair for several hours while I help run the booth. He gets so bored, I tried to find Chelsie, she is living in Eugene now, or so Janelle thinks. Chelsie would have been a lot of help to me right now.
She doesn't let us know where she is. SO perhaps she doesn't want to be found.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

It is 104 degrees. I am wilted. I don't believe I can take much more of this.
Two weeks to go, till we move. Tomorrow would not be too soon.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Never pass up an opportunity to pray
Yesterday as I was taking the garbage for a drive around Roseburg, I thought, my life is funny. Is it cuz I see it that way, or am I just hilarious?
I was searching for the dump. I wasn't finding it. I thought I had a good idea where it was, but somehow it remained hidden from me, and my trash in the trunk.
It stank.
Eventually ingenuity (or stupidity) prevailed and I saw someone driveing with a pick up truck full of garbage. Daine yelled "Mom, follow that truck!" I agreed.
We followed him to the dump... by then I was on the correct path anyway.
My son thinks I am hopeless. I assure him I am not lost, but he never believes me anymore.
We celebrated afterwards. We bought some "spoil Daine" toys at Walmart. I don't have the money, but he was lonely for company, and I figured I could find him something to keep him busy.
Walkie Talkie's, spy Glasses, and some sea creatures that grow in water. He was busy for hours. I am thankful.

All we can think about now is moveing. Step two.
A young man just showed up on my porch selling devotional books. I am out of money, so he prayed with me.
Never pass up the opportunity to pray.
Son is quiet... he is still at the age where I check on him from time to time.
Later Gator

Friday, July 11, 2003

I am wondering about my strength of character, my judgment, my ability to make a simple decision.
At least when in a partnership you can discuss it.
I moved to a place that has closed a mill with 400 lay offs another mill to follow with 200 employees.
I am under qualified for every job I have applied for.
I have lost time and security by leaving Brookings.
Daine is having a hard time and feels very insecure right now.

I would head back to Brookings but for a few factors in the way, (ONE) I don't have the money, (TWO) I don't have a job, (Three) I don't have a place to live.
I think I am supposed to leave Brookings anyway. You could find a good job, but if you ever lost it you would be dirt, there isn't work, and the cost of living and rent is HIGH.
There are not programs, there is not help, do not kid yourself.
IF I were another color, I might be able to get some assistance. BUT overweight, over 40 and single doesn't count as a minority.... HMMMM I think it does.
I am lonely, I am afraid to leave the house. I have applied for countless jobs, and I haven't had any luck. STILL I think I am supposed to stay here, Patience isn't one of my better virtues, but A WHOLE MONTH!! you think I would get something.
One of my Brookings girl friends wants me to Join the Mormon church.. AS IF>>> There are times when I feel very close to packing it in. I don't quit praying, but I am hoping I can learn something positive, I am hoping I can still hold my head up and take away some understanding that helps me LIKE me. I don't like me much lately. I seem to be gullible and trusting, I don't lie, so therefore I don't understand people who do.
I have ZERO tolerance for abuse. Living with Michael taught me that. NEVER will I allow someone to hurt my children. But I have been hurt time and time again, I don't understand it. I guess I need to trust that I am in the right place and all comes together for good to them that Love God.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Some Relief please.
Its hot, I am tired of filling out job applications till my fingers hurt so bad I cannot hold a coffee mug.
Just hand me a job, a home and daycare. Fanks.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

MMM OK< I gave him a cloth diaper and a squirt gun and asked him to wash my car.
All was quiet for 15 minutes. I got concerned and peeked outside.
HE was upside down on the windshield of the car, he was wiping it off. Very ingenious I thought. BUT we couldn't have that. I brought him inside, he was soaking wet and hungry. That worked, I had fixed him his favorite dinner. Teriaki chicken and baked potatoe.
Before that we had made home made clay, and designed alien worlds. I have plastic fish and shells, Daine enjoyed creating.
I am Out of smokes, that is on my mind. I haven't bought cloves in three weeks. I don't know where to get them here. I would like one about now. I smoked a half one this morning, and that is it.
I usually don't notice I am out till the third day. ahh I took the day off from looking for work. Tomorrow I better get back on track.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

I like William Blake, Thank's Buddy.
I got a few things straight, I appreciate your words. I think visiting my cousin Patty is a good idea. AS long as she knows I am not interested in being a Mormon.
Lately I am hearing it again.
No that is not the path I should take, this I know.

Saturday, July 05, 2003

ON ANOTHER'S SORROW


Can I see another's woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief,
And not seek for kind relief?

Can I see a falling tear,
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Can a father see his child
Weep, nor be with sorrow filled?

Can a mother sit and hear
An infant groan, an infant fear?
No, no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

And can He who smiles on all
Hear the wren with sorrows small,
Hear the small bird's grief and care,
Hear the woes that infants bear -

And not sit beside the nest,
Pouring pity in their breast,
And not sit the cradle near,
Weeping tear on infant's tear?

And not sit both night and day,
Wiping all our tears away?
O no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

He doth give His joy to all:
He becomes an infant small,
He becomes a man of woe,
He doth feel the sorrow too.

Think not thou canst sigh a sigh,
And thy Maker is not by:
Think not thou canst weep a tear,
And thy Maker is not near.

O He gives to us His joy,
That our grief He may destroy:
Till our grief is fled and gone
He doth sit by us and moan.

By William Blake

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

It is Wednesday the 2nd. That is going to mess me up all week. The third day of the week, the second day of the month.
I missed Maktub, it was a band I was interested in, and NOW I see on the Roseburg Milk carton, they were playing yesterday at some park I have yet to find. I headed off for Grants Pass today, I merely wanted to buy milk and a few things to eat. The spoiled one talked me into a squirt gun. He was already outside trying it out. I hope not on the kid that gave him the bloody nose last night.
Daine is a bit block headed as all the Dusky Males must be. I have no idea what to say to him half the time.
When we got home from the store this evening, Lucy had had her revenge, there was garbage all over the house. She is a bad dog... NOT.
I took them both to the river today. We did find that. I watched Daine's head bob up and down, and comtemplated saving him. He seemed to do ok, he is a bit of a drama queen at times.
I think we will definately go back to the river. It is hot here, I am not used to it. I am not used to being lost most of the time. I would like to go back to Brookings and hide out from life. I think I have to stay here and experience personal growth or some horrible thing like that. I would just RATHER NOT, if you don't mind.
I am still looking for work. Wondering about Daycare and a place to live. I would like them all close to each other. SO I drag my feet, I don't know where to start. Job requires daycare, Daycare requires employement... Still need a place to live... that requires a job. Where will Daine go to school? HECK WITH IT< I want to go home to Brookings, I had a good school for Daine and a great Daycare. HERE< I have nothing and I am totally afraid.

Monday, June 30, 2003

I am way out of my comfort zone.

Friday, June 27, 2003

It's true, of the many things that I am, humble is not one of them.
I might suffer from low self esteem, fear of my lack of abilities, all in all, I think I am a mighty secret weapon.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

I am overwhelmed. I keep waiting for the police to take me away. Where will they put Daine?
The Beaver tried to have me arrested on assault charges tonight
He told the nice officer that I had come after him with a knife... IT was a cake server, and I didn't come after him, I threw it. I have a rug burn on my face where he shoved me into the carpet. HE has missing hair. well he is going bald anyway. I always thought that women who brawled with men were white trash..... and still his horrible after shave laces the air... including the new added feature of bug repellant, which didn't improve it as much as I hoped.

Friday, June 13, 2003

I was so proud of myself. Holding it in, biting my tongue. keeping my knowledge of his actions to myself.

THEN, he grabbed Daine out of bed, pulling him toward the bathroom. Daine had left a toy in there... I said "Hey wait a minute Jim, what's this about?" He told me to mind my own fucking business....right?? did he realise that DAINE IS MY BUSINESS! I saw the look of resignation on Daine's face and my brains screamed NO NO NO! I promised he wouldn't touch Daine again. Then... whatever it is inside of me took over, I had no recoures but to separate from myself and watch. The Red Haze of temper taking charge of me. I told Jim if he even looked at Daine again, he was going down. But I couldn't stop, I went on and on, everything had been holding in for the past month. I told Jim I had filed a police report, and if he so much as breathed on Daine I was calling them in and haveing his ass arrested, I said, "YOUR days of abusing children are over You shit eating worm." OH but I couldn't stop even then. I told him I was out of here, I told him I knew about his phone calls to assorted women, I told him that I wrote them all and revealed what a jerk he is. Somewhere inside my brain I was telling myself to stop, but I couldn't, I had to go on and on. Jim told me to get out, and I told him I would stay here as long as I dammed well wanted to, that he stole this house and had no more right here then I did, and he better leave me and Daine alone or else.... I was shaking so hard, and I think my neck hurts from my head spinning around like a scene from the exorsist.
He then got on his computer and emailed his latest conquest, "KATY!! Come back to me, my ex girl friend broke into my house and trashed my computer1"
OOH jeez what a worthless lyer he is. NOW I have to get out quickly, burning bridges with expert aim.... My son looked at me last night with the most amazed expression. I have never let loose like that before, and I blame Jim for that too.
My son knows that I am evil now, I had hoped he wouldn't find out till he was older.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Its like bowling for friends lately, I lost three in a week. ONE might suspect the problem lies within me.......NAAAAAH
Probably the friends I choose. Self involved, judgemental, rule making bastards that secretly wanted the Glena Booty, ample as it is...
Jim made a rude remark about my bubble butt... I said, "Look here, Many have killed for this ass." Always stuns him when I don't get defensive. I like my bubble butt. so there.
He made a move for Daine last night. I stook up, and gave him the green eyed look, his hands fell to his side. I will kick his scrawny ugly little body off the porch if he EVER touches my son again. HE IS GOING DOWN!

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Goodbye, he says Three years.. of judgement, withdrawal. guess it is time for goodbye then.
I haven't a lot to say, I am too busy trying to keep my head above water, and I am more than a little afraid. Those people who call themselves friends, have conditions, regulations, contracts, rules, I don't call that frienship.
If you love someone you must accept them. Funny, many people don't get that.
Love has Rules one must follow. True, we shouldn't push to the limit. All I asked is acceptance, support. I feel very free, lately. When everyone goes, and I am left alone, I still have my self respect. I still think I did the best I could do. Next time, I should pull out the crystal ball before I jump into a new situation... SHIT I did it again, oh well Roseburg here I come. My best friend is coming with me. The one that I Fight for, the one I will always love the best. Baby Bennet.

Monday, June 09, 2003

Would you prefer I sell my soul instead of my body? Would you prefer the good fairie came down and gave me a place to live?
Money doesn't appear, jobs don't fall into my lap. Things break down, child needs to eat. Dog gives me reproachful looks.
I am in trouble. I am without, and no, I did what I thought was right, I was wrong, but it doesn't mean I deserve this.
All those that judge and point at me, can go flush themselves down the toilet.

Friday, June 06, 2003

I am heading to Albany Oregon, I lived there in the eightys, and when my husband's job transfered us, I thought it was the end of something beautiful. I would love to go back there, and after checking rent in Brookings again.....900 dollars for two bedrooms, GET REAL!!! I am hoping to head north. Wish my fears didn't out do my optomism.

Things are strange here, and odd game of cat and mouse.
Jim nearly peed his pants when I got up around 11ish to go the the bathroom, he was busy typing away, writing letters to the love lorn, explaining that he is their knight in shining armor. IS it bad karma for me to allow these women to find out for themselves?? I feel sorry for the next one in line. Who ever she may be.
Then he comes to bed and plants sweet sloppy kisses on me.
I wonder if he wants me as well as keeping someone else on the hook.
I am a bit perplexed and amused by the whole thing.
He is far worse with Daine too, so this weekend will be good to get away, we are staying with some friends, and I told a lie....
I said I was visiting a cousin Ruth and applying for work, the work part is true.
I feel bad about telling a lie, but then again, I feel in this case, I have to survive, and the only way is to play this game, that I don't know whats going on.
He really thinks I don't know.
If I move to Albany, big burley men will come down and load the truck for me... ahhhh my idea of a great day.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Today I am haveing emotional overload. I cannot do it. I will be living in my car as of June 12TH, God please be on my side.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

in the beginning.... he was so thoughtful, just little things like leaving a towel out for me, or fixing me a cup of coffee, but soon he was unhappy with everything. It took very little time. Poor Jim, I feel very sad for him, this is the rest of his life, miserable, going from woman to woman, because he will never find THE ONE, until he becomes a real human being.... boy thats deep, better write that down,

Monday, June 02, 2003

When you are living in a 'bad situation' you realise your not all that you thought you were. We gotta live through the bad in order to appreciate the good.
Heard "YOU DONT NEED ANY FUCKING WATER" shouted last night at a small and thirsty person getting himself a drink at bedtime... SO now he is limiting Daine's water?? Already Daine has to hide in his room, is not allowed to eat with us... GAWD How did I not see this coming? Read his ads he is sending out. He says he is a calm quiet man, who doesn't sweat the small stuff. EXCUSE ME< whats this thing about Daine not being able to have a drink of water?
OH he is honest and a light drinker.... GAG GAG RETCH PUKE>>>>>>> He is still looking for the one? I hope he finds her, but I think it is going to have to be in HELL< the type that could put up with his shit would have to be very SPECIAL indeed.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

It would have been funny if it were not nearly true
The Beaver comes home from work whenever he feels like it. I think he gets off work around 4ish then talks to his friends for a few hours, he has been averaging 7:30-8:00 PM... oh well whatever!
I used to wait dinner, then I realised once again who was being punished.... Daine.... the one who is the most loyal and loving of all. Well, enough of the boring set up. ]
It is amazing to me how The Beaver could be so important to me, but soon after the taking advantage of, the lack of appreciation...etc.. I start planning his demise... I should have guilt that I have wished him dead. I wish I could poison him and get away with it. He is of no possible use to anyone. IN FACT the world would be a better place without him in it. He has traumatized his ex wife, his children, his nieces and nephews, and his family long enough.. they love him they put up with it... I DO NOT LOVE HIM... ok I digress.
Well the digitalis came to mind (fox glove grows all over here)... instant heart attack, but it can be traced. SO I just fixed him a nice dinner and swallowed my guilt.
I brought it to him as usual. Damn I am a good maid, come to think of it!
He started picking at his dinner, then looked up at me and asked me....."There isn't something in here that will give me the shits for weeks is there?" I told him that is was fine.
I had to wonder.... is he as stupid as he looks? OR am I that transparent?
The world may never know. ; )

Friday, May 23, 2003

I have my plan B into effect.
I talked to a friend of mine in portland. He said when I am ready he will loan me the money to get out.
So first I am going to sock as much money away as possible... kinda hard on 200 a week.
Then storage place, then slowly pack and get things into storage.
Right now, Jim is mellow and acting half way normal again. All I have to do is let him bitch, keep my mouth shut, and all should work out to the best possible end.
Bill was ticked that I had got myself into this, but I explained that I had to get a place to live, as unemployement wasn't enough to support my rent, car, insurance etc....
Anyway, Do not worry. This is manageable. IF it gets to the danger zone, Bill will send me the money to get me out. I do not wish to ask for his help, but I will. Nothing will happen to my son. This is not a healthy place for him.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Happy Birthday DEEEER Glena
OK. yesterday I get a call from the school, Daine had an accident. He ended up in the hospital with six stitches, I shall spare the boring details. Jim still isn't speaking to me, this is a good thing lately, as he is the most complaining bitching person I have been around in a long time. I told him I had had enough yesterday and took a drive with Daine and Lucy.
GAWWD IT'S so exhausting being a perfect Goddess in an Imperfect world.
Jim's low self esteme and misery are beginning to rain on my happy parade. I am on the road I want to be on, and if he doesn't get out of my way I shall be forced to run over him. I am thinking about alternative living arrangements. Money is all I need...hmm and Maybe a Plan. Still I can't help but be happy, its my nature. I love him, but it will be easy to leave him.

Friday, May 09, 2003

My now empty life is wrapped up in one bare nail in the wall above my bed. That single nail held a picture of the love of my life as I held her on our wedding day. It had collected dust there for over 17 years. What have I done with the picture? Why didn't I take better care of it while it was at arms reach? Why do I see it's true value and miss it so much, now that it's gone? Where has it gone, and will it ever return? Will it ever hang on a nail again. Will another picture ever hang on it's nail? What pain in one simple nail? How will I ever sleep again, staring at one bare nail? The picture of that nail lingers even in my confused daze. What dreadful questions will tomorrow bring? Why do my darkest days always bring me back to this anonomous stage?

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Darkest despair?
now there's an interesting thought. Life has had some strange twists for me, and I still think I wouldn't take any of it back. Except for the loss of my first son. Losing a child never goes away, it stays deep inside you and the memorys pop up at the strangest times.
Daine was a surprize. I always call Daine my viking warriour.
For the longest time friends thought his name was viking, cuz that's what I always call him.
Daine came to me when I was forty. So as he would say, we are both five now.
Only the little smart ass is now telling people his mum is Forty Five, and he is Zero Five.
He is the child of my old age, he makes me laugh, breaks my heart. My wishes and dreams follow him.
The child of my heart, the son I wanted.
Sometimes I Fear he is only with me temporary, so I cherish every moment with him.
He is a bit indulged, not spoiled, just cherished, listened to, hugged and loved a lot
Feelings of Divorce
Take the love of your life,
your friend, your lover,
your confidant, your rock.
Hold her by the hand and
feel her soft and silky skin.
Place her delicate little finger in a vise.
Then slowly, very slowly tighten the vise.
Listen to her scream in agony.
Remember all the things
she's done for you.
Watch her writhe in pain.
See her struggle for escape.
Look into her eyes,
as the tears stream down her cheeks.
Hear her beg for relief and
feel the bones crack in her hand.
Watch the skin split
and the blood drip on the floor.
Read the thoughts and feelings
etched on her face.
Then leave her alone for a while,
and return to release the vise.
Only to realize that she's been doing the same to you,
and you've both been doing the same to your child.
Repeat this torture every hour ,
of everyday, for weeks and months.
Then and only then will you understand,
the feelings of divorce.

Monday, May 05, 2003

"To bed to bed", said Sleepy Head, "Not so fast" Said Slow, "Put on a pan" Said Hungry Nan, "We'll eat before we go."

Friday, April 25, 2003

I will now describe my youngest daughter's truth.

It is a bright blue trailer, nestled among two lanes of screeching traffic. The bums outside harmonize with the night sounds of badly tuned up cars, and the police sirens sing her to sleep.She makes so many friends because of all the nice people who crash their vehicles in her yard, and all the tow truck men know her by name.
Her yard is populated by lush goatheads and boyfriend, Don spends his time hollering at the weed wacker. The white floors of the trailer are charmingly dirty, no matter how many times she sweeps the floor, and the beautiful windows.....well....won't open. Hahaha!
Don got some carpet from the bar he works at and so when she gets more black lights her house it will look like a dance party! she already has a disco ball. And she has the most beautiful furniture! a reniassance bed, and her couch looks like one of those antique couches, it's all green.....they are good decorators! Her cat, Tarod Lord of Chaos, is around, but his brother Death Scooter ran away (or maybe roomates stole him because he disapeared under suspicious circumstances)Her job sucks,as the telemarketer from hell, but the people she works with are cool, and it's a pretty easy environment. Don has a job now, and two paper routes, so they should be able to pay off bills really soon, and then maybe go back to college!

Thursday, April 24, 2003

I noticed that Jim was scanning ads on Yahoo Profiles Tuesday. Shopping for a new woman I supose.
I thought he should have a more truthful ad. I fixed it for him. Rather doubt he will appreciate my work.
I can't help but wonder what his game is? Do you think he is looking for another woman and going to keep me on till he can snag another one? I am left thinking that must be the plan.
I am going to listen to his argument tonight, He doesn't know that I know about the want ads.
ANYWAY. when he is done I have a news flash for him. We have three choices. (1)I get stuff together and I go back to Brookings.(2) He immediatly compromises his attitude about Daine and quits woman hunting. (3) I live here, but move into Daines room for a temporary fix till I can get out more suitably.
(4) He dies in a horrible well drilling accident....OH I Said three didn't I? Just Kidding ; ))
Magic is thinking of you, :)
I didn't sleep well last night either?
What is really going on
As for HIM... I will not compromise. HE better ease up, the boy is five
years old, and doesn't have a mean bone in his body.
Daine does as he is told and is eager to please.
His crime?
He ran through the house to the bathroom.
His punishment?
No TV or Computer.... I told Bone head the punishment should fit the crime
and should be instant, NOT this wait 24 hours to exact justice crap.
He told me I had a big mouth.(actually a Goddammed big mouth)
I told him he needs parenting classes.
I visualized packing all my shit last night, over and over, needless to say
I didnt sleep very well.
I am so OUT OF HERE

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

I am going to miss you, well a little. You don't know children, though you think your a fucking expert on everything that is. What a pain to have to move again. I got a place to go, and I can line up a storage place. I can do this. I vowed early in my life, my children will never be treated like shit. I was given a gift and I am going to honor that. Anyone who doesn't understand can step aside. ANGRY? Yeah, I am angry, you don't even know the half of it.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Days are falling into routine. Kid off to school, work on squeezing stuff into house. Sigh with the dog. I love it here.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

Till death do us part? then he wouldn't die, he never kept his word, damn it!

Live in the now, don't worry, all will be revealed.
My life? nothing is perfect, but everytime I am about to give up and run, something special reveals itself. Wanna join me for coffee? have I got a story for you.....ha ha ha.

Friday, April 04, 2003

Til death do us part
I hope to never hear these words again.
Not from my mouth, nor the mouth of my daughter.
Nor the mouth of anyone else.
How these few words will forever weigh heavily on my heart and mind?
How will I show excitement and happiness when I hear them again?
How can I be encouraging to my daughter when she considers this phrase?
Knowing what the future will most likely bring.
How will I ever utter these words again?
Without reliving the pain they've already caused.
How can these words be spoken twice by the same heart? Or can they?
How can I ever believe this phrase again?
Nothing is "Til death" when it comes to humans.
Will I always feel this way?
Will I forever battle the darkness left behind by simple words?
Only til death do I part.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Here I sit once again,
after a long day's work.
Wondering about my long lost friend.
I hope she hasn't the time,
I hope wants all she finds.
But still I sit and wonder.
Where's my friend?

Sunday, March 16, 2003

Four days, so many ways to show I love you. Hands touch, Minds search, we were meant to be. No "if only's" dull our day, we live in the now.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

I can't write I can't think, assailed by deepest despair. I sit here heart in hand, knowing I lost somewhere along the way.
Making my way alone once again.

Monday, March 03, 2003

Time for change.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

So, he is homeless and single again. Heading back to Brookings Oregon. I have to move and get an unlisted phone number.
Love Spell Time Up deep in the woods, where it is very dark, the fire burns low, we stare into the flames and we recite.

I will take you anyway I can have you baby.
I will cheat
I will dance in front of the full moon, and fill a champagne
glass with moonlight, and drink it while whispering your name.
Draw your name in the sand and let the tide take it out
I would
To keep you with me, I would make a pact with the wind,
and renounce my beliefs
I know
I think we knew each other before somehow,
cause you feel like home to me
it comes from my heart, I am not good with words
I don't understand poetry.
I don't have to.
Olivia Jean Mitchell Turns one years old Tomorrow

Saturday, February 15, 2003

People say: "Oh you have been hurt before." and I think: "I've done my share of hurting others too. I don't know which is worse, being the hurter or the hurtie." One has guilt, the other pain.
My mind knows that I have to risk being hurt, if I want to share life with someone else. But when it's hurting, my heart can't seem to get past the pain.
Ah, the constant struggle between the mind and the heart, logic and emotion. At times, I wish I had one, without the other, but I can never decide which one I want. Mostly I wish I could figure out how much of each I should use at any particular time.
Seems like it's always one or the other, never a balanced mix of the two. Maybe it's like oil and water, just won't mix, or maybe like a rotten potatoe, one spoils another.
Who knows, I guess it's just life.
People say: "Oh you have been hurt before." I answer "who hasn't?" it's not about that, its about NOT wasting one's time on unpleasant people. Time is, Time Was, Time is to come.
I want to make the best of what I have, I don't want to be bothered with people who waste time complaining about nothing.
What I want To speak my mind and never hurt anyones feelings. To be able to tell dream world from reality. Security, hopes and dreams realized. A special someone to share it with.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

What I want!
One day without darkness, one day without despair.
One day without tears, one day of cheer.
One day of happiness, one day of fulfillment.
I know it's out there, I just have to find it. Just one day.
And then I'll make that day last forever.
If not, I hope that day is my last.

Friday, January 31, 2003

This morning he tried to feed me his breakfast, and I said, no sweety I am full I don't need anymore food.
He said, "You gotta eat mom."
I told him, "NO I am getting fat, I have to watch that". he said "Is it my fault for feeding you?"
I said "No its my own fault."
He says "Mom fat is good, go ahead and eat.
Whats the worst thing if you are fat?"
"I can't run and play anymore."
He said,
"Thats just life mom."
I said "Get in the car Daine, I will drive you to school now."

Saturday, January 25, 2003

Daine's Definition of "Martin Luther King"
I know who is Martin Luther King is, mom. Once dark people got to sit at the back of the bus, and all the white people had to sit up front. He changed the laws, now, because I am light, I can sit at the back of the bus if I want, and the dark people can sit up front. Isn't that right? mom, mom mom......

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

26th of May 1963, 11:30pm
Welcome to the world. I was the 4th of 5 children, first boy born to very traditional parents in the rural farm country of western Tennessee. I was born at the Nautilus hospital in Waverly, TN, with Dr. Walker delivering me. My parents were thrilled to finally have a boy after 3 failed attempts. It must have been a very warm spring because Dad says that the corn was already high as his head by the time I was born. Mom told me that my being a boy made them both very proud, especially Dad. Dad gave Mom something very special while she was still in the hospital because she had given him a boy. I know this because she later gave the special item to me, but I can’t remember what it was. I was to be the one to carry on the family name. That’s too much pressure to put on a small boy. I didn’t realize it then, but I was always under that pressure. As a matter of fact I was named exactly as my Dad.
Wallace Buford West II, is quite the name for such a little boy. At the “West” family functions, I was always called “little Buddy” and Dad was “Big Buddy”. Too much for a little boy to live up to and too demeaning as I grew older. Even though I am now over 40 years old, I’m still “little Buddy”. As fine of a man as Dad is, I am not a smaller version of him. I am my own self, with completely different wants, needs and desires. It took me almost 40 years to figure that out. I had always tried to be just like him. I respect Dad, but I no longer strive to be just like him. He is a wonderful man, and trying to be like him has made me more successful than I could have imagined, but I can’t be like him. I have discovered that there are many things that I thoroughly enjoy which Dad would’ve found to be a waste of time and effort. After almost 40 years of striving, I am now stuck in a life that is falling apart because I’ve made it something other than mine and it’s not what I really wanted. My mistakes, not anyone else’s. I haven’t much of a clue as to who I am and what I want to do now.
Some of my earliest memories.
We lived in an old farm house on a small farm. It had three bedrooms, Mom & Dad had the front room, Kathy and Kim shared a room, as did Beth and I. I think all the kids slept on bunk beds and I was on the bottom, but I’m not sure about that one. The only heat source was an in floor furnace that was just outside the bathroom door. On cold winter mornings, we would all crowd around that furnace and wait for the bathroom. On real cold nights, we would hang blankets over part of the doors and we would all sleep in one room, the dining room I think. The doorway between the living room and the hallway had beautiful French doors.
The first TV I remember was black and white. It had something wrong with it and we’d have to stomp on the floor every few minutes so it would shake. If that didn’t work, someone would have to get up and give it a good whack to make it work again. That was the only way to keep it working. Us kids were the remote control. Turn it up, turn it down, change channels, were the orders when Dad wanted it changed. It only had 3, maybe 4 channels and even then the antenna had to be adjusted fairly regularly. Dad would climb up on the roof to move the antenna and someone in the house would yell “Better” or “Worse”. On stormy nights it was just worse.
We had pigs, cows, horses and a dog and maybe chickens, I’m not sure. The dog’s name was “Snowball”, because he was all white. He was a mix between a shepard and a collie. He would always greet visitors at their car door and gently bite them on the wrist and lead them to the front door. Some of the horses names, Nabby, Bess, Chigger, High Pockets. It’s funny, I can remember all those, but I can’t remember my own pony’s name. Why not?
Duke’s store was just up the road and we would beg Mom for a dime, so we could go to the store. I can remember during the hot Tennessee summers, burning my feet on the sun heated pavement while walking up to Dukes. Mom told us that when she was a kid they would cut off a piece of the road tar and chew it for chewing gum. Her tar must have been different than ours, cause I tried it and yuck.
I think we could buy either a candy bar or a coke for that dime, but as I remember it, cokes were primarily a grown up thing. Duke’s had everything, groceries, hardware, plants for the garden and lots of other stuff. I can still remember the smell of Duke’s store. There was an antique store next to Duke’s and I can still remember it’s smell too.
We either burned our garbage or fed it to the pigs. I was afraid of the pigs. We didn’t have much garbage because we didn’t throw anything away. We used paper grocery bags for garbage bags because we couldn’t afford the plastic bags. At the dinner table, we would pass the dish towel because we couldn’t afford paper towels or napkins. We grew a lot of our own food in a garden and I suppose we may have raised beef and pigs for slaughter, but I don’t remember doing this real early. I know we raised some beef when I was several years older.
My three sisters
Kathy Sue is the oldest and her birthday is the 26th of March, 1959. She and I were the closest. I’m not sure why, but I can speculate that it’s because she was the oldest and kinda looked after me. Even though I’m almost 40 years old, it’s still that way too.
Kimberly Jane is the middle girl and she was born on the 3rd of March, 1960. She was always “Little miss goodie two shoes”. She was Momma’s little girl.
Mary Beth was the youngest girl and closest to my age. She was partially named after Mom. She was born on the 19th of November, 1961. She and I were rivals, we constantly fought, played and fought some more.
Benjamin Corey was my much anticipated little brother. He was born on the 8th of October, 1973, ten years younger than I. Finally, a brother, I’d always wanted one. I remember the day he was born. It was a school day and I was in Miss Spicer’s fifth grade class when someone came and told me that Mom had the baby and it’s a boy. As it turned out, he came too late to be what I wanted. We aren’t and never have been very close, just too many years between us and I had left home by the time he grew up. We really grew up in two completely different situations and even different generations. I was the 4th of 5, while he was much closer to being an only child.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

What I want I want cheaper rent, a bigger place, nice landlords, a good job, and PEACE of mind.

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