Christmas - Glitter Graphics

Glitter Graphics for Orkut, Myspace, Friendster

You are loosing your marbles

Here we are, digging deep into December. My resolve strengthens, my attitude is improving. Bruce went and bought the boy some presents. I was kinda worried, even though I know that what I got him is probably enough, he gets so little compared to a lot of kids.And yes he gets a lot compared to some children. Why don't we just alleviate Christmas all together?
So the boy is getting books, a used sweatshirt in his favorite color and a digital camera I found on sale at walmart. He will think he has made it to heaven.
He wants to take pictures of everything, he told me he would love a camera so much, I am very pleased with myself. AND the good part, I have kept the secret, he doesn't even know. So that present is from Santa, because Santa works the Christmas magic that my small wonder still believes in.
On December 17th I am having surgery. I am not looking forward to it, but I am very sure its the right thing to do. I will have a less chance of getting cancer with this hysterectomy. I will be laid up a few weeks. Bruce offered to take me to the hospital and stay with me for awhile. I cannot believe how sweet that is. Scott offered to take me home to his house and take care of me. WOW! I of course would never impose on either of them like that.
Terry offered to ravage my body before the operation, I declined. I INFORMED him that I do not go home with every man that summons me.
I would be busier then I wanted to be if I did take people up on their offers to sleep with them.
AS for Al, Oh my goodness what a sweet shy man, I went out with him Friday night. Shy people are so hard to read, but I really liked him. He works graveyard the next few days, I may never find out how he feels about me. ALAS< I seem only to attract the fruits and nuts, the good men seem to shy away from me, perhaps that is telling me something about myself?
I long suspected that I might not be as down to earth and normal as I profess.
However I still crave the attention of a good man, and only one.

coping is not enough

I seriously don't care about anything. I have assignments to do, things to clean.
Dr put me on some more stuff, I told her, I don't really want to be medicated, I just want feel normal. She said some of us don't get that choice, you have to accept it.
Accepting isn't a strong point. Minor things blow me away, I am overwhelmed and upset.
I want to curl up into the fetal position and pull the covers over my head.
Sherman stinks, Daine has a tummy ache, the dishes need put away, all this is just little things, and I am feeling OVERWHELMED.
I used to be able to handle day to day things, what the hell is the matter with me? I am sick of feeling like this. I wasn't going to give up, I was fighting it, but here it is like a dark stinky cloud over shadowing everything I try to enjoy.
Bruce asked me what I want for Christmas, I told him I wanted to go "out" I wanted to dress up and fix my hair and go somewhere, maybe a play or a movie.
When he gave me a hug at our thanksgiving dinner, I felt like I was home, and I know that I am not allowed to feel that way about him. He likes waif-like women who are too young for him. I like him. Sadly it isn't going anywhere, and I think it could. However I am a sturdy woman, with that bubble butt that my gramma's German heritage shared with me. I don't mind myself as I am. But wish a certain man would grow up and see past that body image crap.

I like sunday till I have to go to work

At least I am working with grumpy Bruce today, he amuses me with his crankiness. He should feel so blue. Today I feel nearly normal, I wish I could every day. Tomorrow History Class resumes, and I also had better get that art project done for art class, man I have been slacking.
It brightened me up to see the child support money was in the account. All 100 dollars of it, however this does mean that my checks won't bounce as I had feared they would. I just can't seem to budget enough gas money for two weeks.
I live pay check to pay check, and its not pleasant. Today though, Daine and I are skipping church, getting caught up on laundry and house hold chores, I enjoy this routine for some reason. I promised him next week we will start going to church again regularly.
Aaaaaarrrgg.

OK, ad for bookswap.com

Do you have any used paperback books lying around? I did, and I finally found a great way to share them with other people.

It seems that a few guys were sitting around one night talking about all the paperback books that they purchased over the years when they traveled on business. Each of them had a stack of books that they had read. So they decided to set up a web site http://www.PaperBackSwap.com/ that allows all of us to swap paperback books with each other. Now it's grown to include ALL books--hardcovers and audio too!

Let me tell you how it works because it is so easy. I listed a bunch of books on the site (you have to list at least 10 books to get in the club) and I got 2 free book credits to get me started. So you can order 2 books right away - free of charge and have them mailed directly to you. No strings attached. No gimmicks. No spam mail. Nothing! You just have to love reading.

Then when another member selects one of my books that I have listed, I mail it to them. Yes, I pay for the postage. But then I get a book credit and I can select a book that I want. So another Club Member returns the favor and mails me one of their books free of charge. For every book I mail out, I get another book in return - a true shared system!

And when someone requests one of your books, all you have to do is print a two page document on regular paper from your printer, and use them to wrap the book. The wrapper includes the mailing address and the amount of postage. Then drop the package in the outbound mail. Hey, most of the time you don't even need to go to the post office!

Right now the annual club membership is FREE! Eventually the founders will ask everyone to help contribute to pay for the upkeep of the web site, but for now the annual club membership is free. The annual dues will probably be between $10 and $20 based on the number of people in the club. But again, right now you don't even have to pay any dues for one year if you become a Charter Member.

You really need to check this out! And if you do sign up, please list my email in the referral section because then I get another free book. This is a great club http://www.PaperBackSwap.com/

Best Regards,

Glena

Thanksgiving

I have a friend who is Native American. Their family doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving. I never thought of it before. I think of it as a day of thankfulness. I never thought that others might think of it as a day of invasion and betrayal.

The Skunk

Of course I won, I have no idea if its worth 10 dollars or not, but I have a feeling that Bruce will like it.
I think it looks unusual, I would keep it myself if I collected skunks, but I am not really a collector of anything but miscellaneous junk. I love my spoon collection, but even so I would not cry big crocodile tears if I got rid of it.

The First Snow

I was so thankful I don't have to drive to Boise today.
I had a meeting with the apartment manager this morning to get re-certified for my rent... YIKES! what if I don't qualify? the only thing that is changed is I am not working as many hours, but I paid my rent six months in advance with my college money.
She said the only thing that would effect me, is if I started making MORE money, no chance of that right now.
Bruce is coming to the kid's house for Thanksgiving, I am so glad, I really like his company, too much I think sometimes.
I am bidding on a skunk for him from Ebay, its a very unusual ceramic design, I found out Bruce Collects skunks, Watch Out!

Link to the video, "the wood spider

Sometimes unexpected wonderful things happen

Six months ago, Daine's brother in law got him a used computer. We never could get it hooked up to the Internet, several people tried. Last night a very nice man fixed it for free. When I told Daine this morning that his computer was working, he kept asking me, "really? really?" He is so happy about it, and now I can get him off mine, the downside is he will soon realise that mine is much faster, snicker...

its hard to type with a cat laying on your arm

...and this too shall pass. We make it on four hundred a month. My rent is paid up for several months with my college money.
If nothing comes up we do ok, something always comes up. I have been spending a few dollars here and there at second hand stores. Daine's Christmas will be a few used books and a second hand sweatshirt. He will be happy with that, and I will feel slightly guilty. Time goes on, and I haven't done the things for him I wanted to do. Poverty sux rocks.
I have to keep my eyes forward and realize that it will get better. I could give up college and start working full time? but that never worked in the past, my goal is to get an education and get better jobs that pay more money. Daine wants martial arts, Daine would like music lessons, I cannot fit that in my meager budget. I have never had a manicure in my whole life, some women think its a necessity. I have never owned a new car, been able to pay a vet bill in one visit or even buy something for the whim of it. I am not complaining, I just think sometimes people would understand better about being where I am at if they were there too. I wish we had socialized medicine, its very easy to fall deep into debt from a few doctor bills. Glasses? I need a special lens for my right eye, the lens itself was 200 dollars ten years ago, I have no idea what it would cost me now... thats just for the lens not the other lens and the frames and all the other stuff involved in a eye doctor visit. I haven't had my teeth checked in ten years. I haven't had a hair cut in a year and a half... My son would prefer I didnt cut his hair anymore, so I have to figure out where I can get 15 dollars for him to get his hair cut. services? we are a proud family, and sometimes in the past I have signed up for a Christmas present for Daine from some charity group or another.. Problem is the group shows up with a cardboard box and several cardboard smiles and hands over the loot for my son, while looking in our home in curiosity.Sometimes the gift for him is so cheap, that it breaks before it is even opened, sometimes it is used things that smell of ciggarette smoke, I always felt worse about getting those gifts then getting nothing.
Then I wonder to myself, am I going in the right direction? what has happened to me? I never thought I would be alone at fifty trying to raise a young son on my own and wishing for the money for gas to go to history class today. I only have enough gas to get to Boise and back once today, so I have to skip history class. ( I have Art tonight in Boise) This means I have to find the movie Europa Europa, the class watched on Monday and today, there will be a test on it Friday.
Pay day is tomorrow, I am crossing my fingers that I did not write One check too many and make my checking account in the red, if I did, there goes the whole pay check.And romance? don't even get me started on romance, I have a better chance of being struck by lightening three times then meeting the right man OK< I suppose this sounds a lot like whining... Its just so hard sometimes. AND I wonder why I get depressed... sorta like Dr. Armentrout says, "sometimes your life really is shit."

Class Schedule

Monday,Wednesday,and Fridays
Political Science 101 American Government
----------------------
Tuesdays and Thursdays
Social work 101, and Math 15
----------------------
Wednesday night
Psyc 309 Child Development
-----------------------
I am already planning how much rent I will pay with my college money, I am thinking Six months, and then with my tax return another two months,that will take me into September when I get more college money. If I can do this, I will be able to continue working only weekends and spending the whole summer with my kid. I missed everything last year because I was behind on rent and had to work graveyard shifts, it seemed I was either working or sleeping, and that really sux, I don't ever want to miss a summer with my kid again.

Sunday ahhh Sunday

I have to go to work in one hour, YAY... Sarcasm.
We skipped church today and just had a family day, I loved it, I fixed blue berry muffins, sausage, and hash browns, I omitted the eggs, I knew nobody would have room for more food.
Wednesday I signed up for my classes, I managed to get three of them in Nampa. Psych-childhood development in Boise. That one is a three hour class from six to nine, which I hate, but its only one class this semester.

Foods that fight depression

Nutritional Blockbusters That Fight Depression

B vitamins. Believe it or not, a sweet potato or a spinach salad might help you beat the blues. Both are rich in folate and vitamin B6 or pyridoxine. Deficiencies in these two B vitamins, experts believe, can actually bring on the symptoms of depression. Vitamin B6 works by keeping your brain’s neurotransmitters in balance. These chemicals control whether you feel depressed, anxious, or on a steady keel.

Experts aren’t sure why folate fights the "blahs." But they do know low folate levels in your body can deepen depression, and high folate levels can help defeat it. You can find folate in most fruits and vegetables, especially spinach, asparagus, and avocados.

Eat chicken, liver, and other meats to feed your brain vitamin B6. Plant sources of the vitamin include navy beans, sweet potatoes, spinach, and bananas.

Depression can also signal a deficiency in thiamin, also known as vitamin B1. Stick with whole-wheat breads, meats, black beans, and watermelon to punch up your thiamin levels. These foods might help you feel more clearheaded and energetic.

Iron. Beating the blues might be as easy as eating iron-rich foods if you have iron-deficiency anemia. Over two billion people suffer from this condition and even more live with less-serious iron deficiency. A sour mood is a major symptom of a lack of iron. Other symptoms include pale skin, sluggishness, and trouble concentrating.

Iron-deficiency anemia often attacks pre-menopausal women, people who regularly take nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), and others at risk for chronic blood loss. It’s a good idea to visit your doctor if you suspect you’re anemic.

To get more iron in your diet, try meat for starters. The darker the cut, the more iron it has. If you’re a vegetarian, stick with legumes, fortified cereals, quinoa, kale, and other green leafy vegetables. And it’s a good idea to top these foods with a rich source of vitamin C, like lemon juice. The vitamin C will help your body absorb the iron.

Selenium. You probably heard selenium fights cancer, but you might not know the mineral banishes bad moods, too. People who don’t eat enough selenium-rich foods tend to be grumpier than people with a high dietary intake, according to recent research. Eat some high-test selenium foods — like seafood, poultry, mushrooms, sea vegetables, and wheat — and feel the effects for yourself.

Carbohydrates. If stress gets you down, a diet rich in carbohydrates might be just what the doctor ordered. Eating mostly carbohydrates during the day, suggests a recent European study, may make stressful situations more bearable for some people. The scientists fed people either a diet high in carbs and low in protein, or vice versa. Then the doctors put the subjects through a difficult mathematical task. The carbohydrate-rich diet worked to lower stress and depression in some of the subjects.

The carbohydrate diet appears to work by raising the level of tryptophan in your brain. Tryptophan is the amino acid your body needs to make serotonin, the "happy" neurotransmitter.

It’s important to remember not all carbohydrates are equal. Nutritionally speaking, carbohydrates from fruits, vegetables, and whole grains and cereals are best. They’ll save you from stress and boost your levels of vitamins, minerals, and fiber.

Omega-3 fatty acids. Don’t be offended if someone calls you a fathead. You’re in good company. Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Sir Isaac Newton, and Confucius can be called fatheads, too. That’s because fat makes up about 60 percent of the human brain. But you do have a choice over what type of fathead you want to be. You can keep your brain running smoothly with theright kinds of fats or you can gum up the works with too much of the wrong kind. It all depends on what you eat.

Sound fishy? As a matter of fact, it is. The essential fats found in seafood, called omega-3 fatty acids, play a major role in brain function. They may even boost your mood. You need them but can’t make them on your own. "Essential fatty acids only appear through your diet," says Dr. William Lands of the National Institutes of Health.

That means next time you’re feeling blue, dip into the deep blue sea for your dinner. New medical evidence suggests the omega-3 fatty acids found in fish — called docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) and eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) — can help drive away depression.

© FCA Publishing


Excerpt from FC&A’s Eat And Heal.

Glena's Turkey Stuffing

Glena’s STUFFING RECIPE


3 loaves of white bread
chicken broth
turkey giblets
2 bunches of celery
2 onions
1 tsp. sage
1 tsp thyme
½ ground pepper
1 pound of bulk pork sausage
water for giblets, bay leaf, ½ t salt and 1 t sage.

The night before, break the bread into small pieces (about 1 inch squares) into 2 huge bowls or pots. Let the bread sit overnight to dry out. The next day, after you remove the turkey's giblets, boil the heart gizzard and neck, bay leaf, ½ t of salt and 1 t sage in water in 2/3 qt. saucepan until cooked add liver the last fifteen minutes (about 2 hours). Remove giblets and chop for stuffing. Set giblet cooking water aside. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Chop onion and celery and place into food processor until minced. Meanwhile cook sausage in large saucepan. Remove sausage, and Sauté onion and celery in the drippings until heated through. Do not brown! Once cooked, pour the onion/celery mixture directly over the dried out bread. Pour sage, thyme, and pepper over bread/onion/celery mixture. Mix in Sausage, and chopped giblets. Using the reserved giblet cooking water, pour slowly over bread. The bread will shrink as you do this. Be careful not to pour too much water in. Mix thoroughly and smell/taste for perfect stuffing. If you need more liquid, open a can of chicken broth and pour over bread. If you need more spice, add more sage.

Once stuffing is of a consistency that it will stick together and does not look too dry, do not add more liquid. Either stuff in turkey to be baked in oven, or put in 9 x 13 pan. Bake in 350-degree oven for 45 minutes to an hour. You want the stuffing to have a nice brown crust on top.

The never ending-ness of it all

Sunday means, church, grand kids over for lunch then work. I work till midnight and I don't get home till nearly one o clock in the morning, then up early on Monday for school.
This continual cycle makes me nuts, I need a change, but hang on! Thanksgiving is coming I will have about a week off from school and I am not informing work about this either. I am going to cook thanksgiving dinner for my son in law (Janelle has to work). I invited Bruce over, I doubt he will come, but it would be nice if he would. There is talk about the grand kids going over to the Holiday hogs house. That means only the baby, Dwain and Daine will be there for dinner. If Kimmie says, DH, for her hubbie, I suppose I can say DEH for them... hee hee, see if you can figure that one out!
Anyway, DEH thinks that all the holidays belong to him and so I am left to my own devices every holiday... I mean all of them. Usually I celebrate Christmas Eve with my children, so DEH gets them Christmas day, but.. Easter, thanksgiving... OH WELL. I try not to make waves, I have been labeled bitchy. NOT however that I really care what DEh and ex best friend think, they have never let facts sway their opinions.

Crap its november already

Time just keeps marching on doesn't it?
Well Dr. Armentrout suggested some medicine for my A D D. I saw my regular practitioner and gave her the letter from Armentrout and she agreed with him. I am on Welbutrin, for A D D and depression.
Today I wrote a paper, and it was good, and it didn't take me all day either, I procrastinated most of the day but when I finally said, 'this is it' and sat myself down, I wrote it, and it made sense too.
I know this is partly the drug, because I could never do this.
my mood has been slowly improving, not by alarming levels, but slowly and nicely. I don't feel so dreadful the last few days.
I have assignments to do, and I am not feeling overwhelmed.
I hope this continues, I am starting to feel like I am normal. Didn't I say feel too much?
Its not over yet, I didn't leave the house today, and I wore the green "no fear" sweatshirt, this is a sure sign that I am fighting anxiety and depression. I wear it for comfort. you will see a lot of pictures of me wearing the big ugly sweatshirt. Its not even remotely pretty and its wearing thin in places so there are tiny little holes, but I still wear it, and feel better when I do.
For dinner today I cooked chicken breasts in olive oil, soy sauce, rice vinegar,and turbinado sugar. then I added cooked spaghetti. It was tasty, just like the chicken you get in the bento box at the Japanese restaurant.
The cocker spaniel, Sherman sat hopefully with great optimism under the table, but he was ignored. He is an opportunist at best.
Sometimes I think I should put him in another room while we eat, but then he would only scratch at the door, he has worn the paint off in several places. I have repaired the scratches with Spackle, but its never ending. When we move I will have a lot of touch up work to do thanks to him. He is relentless.
I drove to Boise and saw Bruce on Tuesday. Sherman jumped up on his Civil war model. Luckily I don't think he damaged anything. Then he hopped up into Bruce's chair and helped himself to Bruce's' glass of ice tea. Later that evening, he jumped on my table and took one of the pumpkins that Bruce had painted for Daine and me, and ate it stem and all. Today he is pooping seeds. What an amazing obnoxious pet he is.

Mercy

WOW! it's Tuesday already, how did that happen so fast? I wonder why the weekend goes so slow, and the week days go fast so the weekend is here once again?
My car is really acting up, but someone at work suggested maybe it just needs transmission fluid not a new transmission. So I called my trusty son-in-law Dwain. He said he would look at it, and I brought over bobolis and pizza sauce and made dinner for my grand kids,Dwain, and Daine.
Dwain put the transmission fluid in it, he said it was down a quart.
OH I hope that's it, I drove it home later last evening and it's still lugging out. I hope it circulates and starts to work, I cannot afford a big engine repair now, if ever.
Ahh its time for Daine to catch the bus, and Sherman has been ringing the bell on the door for fifteen minutes, I better walk him.

Ich bin geliebt

Translation, "I am loved"
Anyway, it is Sunday, glorious Sunday, I have to study sometime today in-between work and church. I promised Daine we would go, he really wants to, and I don't.
COFFEE! that might perk me up, I don't feel very perky, this is the beginning of the whole week again, its an endless cycle of me falling behind.
Work--school--home--kid--tests papers more tests. I really dislike this semester.

I'm over it

People usually resort to the lowest common denominator when they don't get their way. I should have known. It was too much to ask to be friends without emotional entanglement. I move on rather quickly you might notice.

I know this game

I have played it before. New rules! I don't give a damn if your pissed because I wont comply with your wishes.
You lose.
I don't do the guilt game you picked the wrong person.

Remember when I said "I'm not all that"? WELL I AM

Nearly all the guys that approach me online are looking for meaningless sexual encounters.
It's really stupid.
The last and I mean the last I ever give the time of day too, pretended he was just kidding when he made sexual innuendos... said he was being funny... RIGHT! here is your funny back in your face asshole. He was too cowardly to come out and show me what a jerk he was, so he disguised it as a lame joke.
I said, I had high standards and potential F--- buddies had to fill out an application. DO they think their fifth grade naughty boy conversations will impress me? JEEZ I can't believe grown men know so little about REAL women.
I am too annoyed to educate them, though I did do my little part, by telling them they are morons.
That's just me, a caring sharing individual.

Things I couldn't say, things I can't give

I wanted you to stay. But is that fair to ask? I didn't want to be alone, and I could feel you watching me, gaging me, wondering what you were supposed to say.
What a pair we are, one who cannot speak and one who cannot shut up.
You want something from me, but you don't know if you could handle it, I don't know either.
You are so many things, and I get all mixed up when I try and define what it is. I don't know myself, how can I know you, and how can I ask for something when I am not sure I can give it back?

Your Fate

FoookYoou

I feel like a little kid, I am not going to class today, and I am not going ever again.
I do not want to be ethnically invisible, I do not wish to be ashamed of my white European heritage, I do not wish to feel guilty for the privileges that I have received. I believe in being aware of the sufferings of other people, but this should not make me feel guilty for being who I am. This guy needs a dose of sesame street and Mr. Rogers... we all need to embrace the uniqueness of ourselves.

Doesn't look good

Well in spite of my dreadfuls, I am still working at the readings. It has taken nearly two hours to get through twenty pages of the "communist Manifesto" which the lauded professor said was an easy read. It isn't. I am going nuts trying to study for three tests write several papers and read this boring shit. Can I quit now? JEEZ I just can't concentrate.
I have to keep at it, I have to succeed. Dr. sugessted A.D.D. medicine, if it would help I would take it, but I have my doubts about any magic pill helping me right now, I have my doubts about everything.

Home today

I am not going to work today, I called in sick this morning, my stomach had sharp pains. Rather convenient at times, I am working on Literature and staying close to home.
We are watching Star Trek and arguing who takes the stupid dog out when he rings the bell.
He has got me, I shampooed the carpets on Friday and I don't want any mishaps.
Ring Ring Ring... "take out the dumb dog."

We never had a song, but if we had

Artist: The Fray
Album: How To Save A Life
Year: 2005
Title: Over My Head (Cable Car)



I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
---------------------------------------

CUZ I knew all along I was in over my head and I would lose you effortlessly, Damn it feels so good right now, quit messaging me jerk.

ONE Date Wonder

The date went well, Daine was the nervous one, he talked like a magpie through the dinner, revealing all my dirty little secrets, THANK God he doesn’t know everything!

HE (the date) said he had a hard time keeping his hands off me… YAY!

Anyway, I think I like him.



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

Wave wash over me

Overwhelmed. The bank beat me to my account, I'm overdrawn, pay day will be in a week and it will be short. I need to go to the finance department and get another loan, I kinda knew that four hundred a month would be hard to squeak by. I cannot fit another work day in my schedule. My car is acting up, and it needs work. My son has outgrown all his clothes, I am not doing well in two subjects at school.
Today is going to be a beautiful day, I am going to work on some homework and clean the house and take a walk in the sunshine, I am not going to stagnate today, I am not going to worry about every little thing.

English from Hell

I wrote the damn paper, but its hard finishing an assignment from an ADD professor, he is so brilliant and all over the place with his ideas that I cannot follow him.
I did my best, but I am finding that my best isn't good enough.
Dr. Armentrout says I will not hit a wall I will succeed. GAWD I hope he is right, I got a very bad grade on the art test, I am so disappointed, I read everything and I studied, but I over think the questions, and she asked them in tricky ways.
I got a very bad grade on my history exam too. What the hell? I am going to talk to the history professor, what does he mean Thesis form?
I wished I had found easier professors this time around, I am beginning to feel like I need to ride the short bus this semester.

Dramatica (Orgy) Its a band ok???

The dandy contacted me on MSN messenger today. He invited me for lunch sometime in the distant future. I am not impressed. Did he think I would be?
Curiosity is a mortal sin. I think so anyway.
I immediately contacted Tom. He set me straight. He is my man interpreter.... and he knows shit when he hears it. I wish Tom was closer, we would have lunch.
ANYWAY back to the dandy, why would I consider lunch with him? I am going to say no if he asks again, I feel good, I don't want to mess that up.
Four glasses of wine later... I still don't want to have lunch with the dandy a root canal sounds better.

Short cut to monkey brain

What would you think if you read this blog? Would you know its all about you, and the disdain I feel for your dishonesty? I know you do not have the power in you to love. You knew that too didn't you?
Weeks have gone by, and I am fine, I do not miss your touch or your crooked smile. I do not miss your blue eyes or your broken promises and stolen moments. I do not miss you, I am F-I-N-E.

Alien Ant Farm

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A good sign

I don't know how many weeks its been since I broke up with the Dandy, but I feel like me again.
Sundays are kinda good, Daine and I do things together before church, then come home for our dinner and a nap, then I work from 4 to midnight, I am tired Monday morning and have to get up early for school in Boise.
The continuation of duty is my sanity, I don't really like my job, but it is do-able and not as vile as past jobs I have had.
I would like someone in my life that keeps his word to me and doesn't lie.
I would like someone that has the intellectual ability to hold a conversation that doesn't revolve around sports and nascar. I would like a spiritual man that isn't overly religious, but would come to church with me, lastly I would like a good lover.

Main Entry: 1 dan·dy
Pronunciation: 'dan-dE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural dandies
Etymology: probably short for jack-a-dandy.
1 : a man who gives exaggerated attention to personal appearance

I dont like carrots in my soup

Well that fixes that. Shit, I thought I could change my major to elementary education and be a school teacher. All the courses that I have taken were social sciences, which means the only direction was social work. I had considered that but rejected it, mainly I want to work in the community and like what I do.
Psychology is too long, and Elementary would mean starting all over again, everything I accomplished doesn't count toward a degree in education. I think the rules are too limited.
However I think I can live with this and I am glad I started heading in that direction now instead of later. I don't have to have Anatomy and Physiology or as much math.. so those are good things, I have to start taking math courses right away though.
I keep moving I keep going through the motions of life, it is getting easier. I need someone to hold me right now, but needs are not often met. I hate you hatcher I hope your dick drops off.

Really Stupid Dog

I bought a new lunch pail for work at target. I bought sherman a bone. I took a nap, Sherman had left the bone on the couch and climbed up on the table and got my lunch pail down and ate it. He was suposed to outgrow this.

wet wash rag

Professor Emery was fired. I wonder what horror they will put in her place. This means I will actually have to work in Lit class now. I was hoping for an easy A.
Today Dwain turns thirty, Daine is spending the night over there and I am home alone with the ungrateful dog that ran away this morning. He nearly got hit by a car, he just stood in the middle of traffic with an enthusiastic expression on his face. He eventually ran to an apartment complex and a nice gentleman caught him. Daine was nearly in tears, we did think the dog was going to be hit by a car. Part of me hoped it would be a quick death. Stupid Dog!
Armentrout saw me yesterday in his new office. He said, Hatcher was gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe, scuff him off and go on about my business. Good advice. Depression continues to drag on, a glass of wine and early to bed, tomorrow is a new day, the more time that passes the better I will feel eventually.
I have a history test on Monday and an Art test on Wednesday, I really think tests should be banned. Tests are unreal. I am going to change my major, I just don't know how to go about it yet. I have to find out. I am going for a degree in elementary education instead of Psychology. I am losing interest in addictions and counseling, perhaps when I feel better again?
Bruce invited me over tonight, but after nine o'clock PM, and I think I will be in bed by then. I declined the invite, an earlier night would be better because I have to get up at five thirty tomorrow to get ready for my lovely day at DTV. I wonder why Mr. Hanson didn't call me as he said he would? He is missing out on a chance to meet a great person. I find I lose interest pretty fast in people who don't keep their promises. Hatcher all over again, The woulda's coulda's and shoulda's begin to add up to a big nothing.

six days

And it doesn't matter much anymore, does it?
Art class is interesting and a challenge. Some guy sat next to me and started up a conversation, so I invited him into my study group with Christy and Kelly.
He did think he was excruciatingly interesting and insisted on adding his comments to the study guide put out by the professor. He was cute, he hinted his bike was broke down and gave me a patient look. I gave him a blank look and said, "thats a bummer." Baby boomers rule in cunning... He is probably about ten years younger then me and not as cunning.
I was not taking the hint of driving him home. My car was parked a quarter of a mile away from the university, and I didn't know him. Charming cute and odd. Why me anyway? freekin weirdo magnate.

Forget

It is Tuesday, five days later. I had a toasted cheese and ham sandwich, is it a sandwich with only one piece of bread?
I am listening to Alien Ant farm, I love the understated anger.
I am planning on skipping Lit this afternoon, I can't skip Psych in Boise tonight. I got Dain's pay as you go phone re-charged with money so he could come with me. His mood is like mine and I know it's my fault he mirrors my depression, he skipped school today, he said he needed a day off, his company has helped me lift up. We do daily tasks, cleaned the fish bowl, picked up our living space, washed rugs walk the dog, it goes on. I see Dr. Armentrout tomorrow.
I am beginning to feel angry. I won't do anything about it. Took me five days to feel it. Wishing all kinds of maladys to befall the insignificant other. Douche bag.

spell of light

I was trying to write something positive something beautiful and it wont come out.
I am haunted by what I lost and haunted by what is to come.
Haunted by what never was,
there comes a time when we must ask ourselves if we wish to remain unhappy and depressed. Do we want to wallow in self pity, or truly enjoy life?
OH Fuck it I just need a good lay and perhaps a drunk to go along with it, not laying a drunk however.
He never answered my questions, and perhaps I know the answers with out having to ask, but I ask anyway, because I waste time, to waste time is to put on hold the grim reality that I was not loved and I am easy to forget.
I want to be thought of as special and unforgettable. He was the wrong one.
Still the pain persists, and I feel like a blob.
Tomorrow I will do better. I promise.

Quit yer bitchin

I knew a lady that sang the blues, I asked her for some happy news, she just turned and walked away...(the day the music died)
JEEZ I am sick of myself. I don't like unanswered questions and the doubt that I feel, but that is the way it's going to be. With Steven there was always doubt, and I didn't quite trust him, is this how I wanted to live? You cannot be happy with something you have to hold on to tightly.
The guy at work that I started to ask out the gave me a horrified look? well he came up to me yesterday and made a point of saying "Hi Glena." he even knew my name, I am not interested though.
Butch says he would like to go to the Billy Joel Musical playing at the Morrison Center. I can bring Daine. I think my son would like it.
Eww I just looked at the tickets,65 to 40 dollars each, I think we might be listening to old Billy Joel Cd's at home and drinking beer, not Daine...
I have a history test tomorrow and if I don't start reading that chapter I will certainly fail, and I am not going to let Steven's memory interfere with living anymore. I MEAN IT!

1 Thing

OK, one thing I would ask if I didn't have so much pride eking out of me...
"Steven, were you relieved? Were you wanting to end it but you were too much of a wimp to do so?" Cuz I wonder what the hell I was doing those ten months being in love with your selfish time depraved ass. I sure wonder, but I know it is called L O V E. who ever said Love was a four letter word was right.
Everything I went through these last few months, I went through alone.

Crap I feel sick today

Can't sleep can't eat.
The animals decided to surround me last night, that was odd. A dog on one side of me and the cat on the other. They never do that.
I must be putting out a bad aura.
my pride says, he has started a cycle of treating me off hand, and it will never get better, he made no effort to stop me yesterday
he turned white when I told him I was done, and he said, "I wish it was different" It seemed cowardly to me. I never thought of steven as weak, but this is how it looks to me now.

I did it

After careful consideration and feeling empty about my relationship with Hatcher, I gave him the boot.
Man it hurts.
My prediction is he will get over me, way too easy. I never held a place of importance in his heart.
I will whine more later.

Mcdoodle

last night I had to drive to Boise for Psych class, the class runs six to nine PM, and I leave Daine home all by himself

I decided to take him and get him dinner on the way, but it takes nearly an hour to get there,and I was running out of time to get to class, so I gave him twenty bucks and told him to play at the student union building while I was in class

this was a bad idea, all I could do was worry about him

what if he didn't find the sub, what if he got lost or bored, what if someone kidnapped him

class got out early, it was only an hour and a half, so I hurried across campus to go and find him

he was happily playing a video game and had survived all by himself. We walked to the car in the rain and had a McDonald's dinner with the left over quarters, I am glad we had that experience, but I wont do it again, too many things could go wrong.

psych whatever!

So here we have September, and my depression is finally lifting, I think hormones are to blame... (when aren't they?) Psych whatever, I worked damn hard to read the first two chapters, then went to west campus to download the notes for class tonight. The notes didn't remotely resemble the book I had been reading. I Mentioned this to Dr. Professor whatever, he said, "Oh no, I will explain that later, we aren't going to use the book after all." MMM 65 dollars for the used version of the stupid text book. I have the receipt, I hope I get my money back. There is a deadline on getting your money back, I don't think it has past yet.
I took Daine with me, I let him go to the Sub by himself with twenty dollars to play video games. I had a panic that perhaps I had done a bad thing, he is only ten, what if he gets kidnapped or lost? I had a hard time concentrating in class, worrying about what I had done. We got out an hour and a half early, this was good, I high tailed it to the Sub and found the little boy happily playing video games all by himself. I am not going to do that again, I worried too much about him, even though he was fine, I had no way to check up on him while I was at the other side of campus in class. Stupid Me.

Bean Brain

You don't even get me! your whole goal is to find someone to hook up with sexually. You pass up what could be a great thing to settle for mediocrity.
I don't even want to put you on the defensive to explain it to you, but frankly you screwed up. Every chance you get you talk of sex and snuggling, you don't even give a woman a chance to meet you and get to know you. You are a fool mr. online dating man, may your goals of scoring be met and may you never have a meaningful relationship.
Dildoehead!

today was the first day of school, I wonder what I am doing. I went to history and thought, "this is going to be a lot of work." Why?
Am I barking up the wrong tree?
I really miss Janelle, the turkey had to go and graduate, so now I am all alone.
I decided to keep at it even though I wonder if I am wasting my time.
I am taking the hormone pills, I wondered if I was supposed to bleed after I stop them in ten days or during the taking of them?
I am so hungry right now I could eat anything that didn't walk away, I feel pregnant, that must be what the hormone pills are doing to me.
Energy seems to be a thing of the past, but I am not giving up yet, I still take the iron pills and hope they work. I haven't got a parking permit yet, so I parked pretty far from the university, I don't know how far exactly, but the walk this morning felt good. When it gets cold I like the walk even less, but right now it was in the fifties and a brisk walk to class got me feeling awake.
I worked late last night and had to get up early for school today, four hours of sleep doesn't quite do it for me, I had a long nap after lunch.
Thank goodness I took that walk to class, its the only exercise I am likely go get today, I feel very drug out and tired.

assignation

Main Entry: as·sig·na·tion
Pronunciation: \ˌa-sig-ˈnā-shən\
Function: noun
Date: 15th century
1: the act of assigning or the assignment made
2: an appointment of time and place for a meeting; especially : tryst But hardly that, I just couldn't think of the word, and it drives me nuts when I can't think of a word.
Today is the first day of BSU, and I am nearly sick with anxiety. I am going to fight it and show up for history class, I am an adult (mostly) I can do this.

Blah

SOOOO I was going to ask this guy out at work, but the look of sheer horror on his face when I asked him if he was single put me off a bit.
Sigh.. am I that scary?

New day new color

So today I think I like it best black. I get tired of red hair on me. I feel limited. I clash with some of my clothes.
GAWD I know how superficial I sound. I am BoReD.... Steven is off to California to see his son. I think he and his wife should get counseling and I should back away... BACK slowly away from the man!
ok, that made me laugh.

FOUR hours!

It took them four hours to groom my cockerspaniel. I should be shot.
Poor baby he looks like a disgruntled miniture labrador. He is happy to be home, and the groomer beamed about what a well behaved dog I have.... NOBODY else believes me.
Except for the occasional weird eating fetishes, like my bras, and duct tape, he is a good dog and we love him.

Ohhh How I wish it would rain

If my money ever comes in, I will put gas in my car, if I put gas in my car I can get groceries, if I get groceries we can have a picnic.
THE DOG NEEDS GROOMING, he looks horrible and unloved. Yesterday he ate a half a roll of duct tape. Little jerk! some of it is still stuck in his unkept hair. I need a hair cut too, but I am not going to get one.

not cancer

I am going to be ok after three months of treatment. I will spare the graphic details...

My money isn't in yet and I am now very overdrawn, it seems bills come due three days before you have the cash, and they were the kind of things that get shut off if you don't pay them. I really want to get my school books and parking permit. I AM READY PEOPLE! put the damn money in my account.

weird thing I learned

I wanted to write a thank you note to my ex best friend. I wanted to tell her she did me a favor all those years ago. You see, one should never hang on to things that are finished and she knew that. I am not saying she had my best interest at heart, but my marriage was over and I hung on in fear and rage and lived a horrible existence. When I finally had the courage to let go, against my will I might add, I learned all about the strength and beauty inside me that I never thought I had.
I hope her marriage to Michael (THE EX) is long and happy I only wish them well. I think I have truly evolved.
Now I wish that Sharon knew the things I know, her marriage is over and has been a long time. Holding on tight to Steven only makes everyone un-happy, but I know why she is doing it, I know too well, but I really doubt she will be thinking about writing me a thank you note one day I really do.
Come what may I am going to win this one, it is my time.

as much as I dont want to...

I will be there. At work. Dammit anyway.
Work is such a waste of ass hair. Drive fifty miles to work four hours.
Steven came by to check on me today. sigh... love that man.
Saw Pastor Steve this morning, what a nice talk we had. I feel better about my spiritual issues and My lean machine Steven H.
Pastor said, "Sometimes we cannot help where our heart goes." That would certainly explain everything.

it went without a hitch so to speak

The needle in the taa taa wasn't so bad. Took all of fifteen minutes. I am not even bleeding. I took 800 miligrams of ibuprofen before and I haven't had any cramping. I saw what she stuck in me, it was five feet long at least, but I only felt a little discomfort, and it was finished before I had time to complain. I think the worst part was the stinging of the iodine that they put everywhere on my skin and cervix.
so in a week I find out what is wrong with me, I hope anyway.
So depending on the results,I either get the knife or the torch... neither sounds good to me.
she had said that if it's hormone imbalance, they will cure it with pills.

Head Ache

Blinding ear splitting crashing headache. Debilitation exhaustion. YOW spent the whole day sleeping off my non existent hang over, what the hell is wrong with me? I found I had forgotten coffee, so I drank a cup. Dainish over-nuked the last hot dog, so I ate a handful of raw almonds. I gotta get some gumption somewhere, I did a load of the child's laundry and hung them up to dry, then slept three hours. I am taking the iron the Dr. prescribed for me, I tried it on an empty stomach like it suggests but I felt like I was going to hurl.
So Sweet Bruce gave me some sweet corn and zucchini along with a bunch of cherry tomatoes from his garden. I ate the cherry tomatoes at work last night, (sorry Daine) I am going to drag my sorry ass to the kitchen and cook that corn if its my last attempt before another nap. I am pathetic, my floors need vacuuming, I cannot get the strength. Steven offered to come over and clean my house, I don't even want him to know how dirty it is.
Steven drives me to the Dr. tomorrow for the medieval torture chamber. I REALLY don't want to go.
MORE freeking drama! Huh Kimmie??

Stupid

So guess what I found out you stupid self serving arrogant bitch?
This isn't the 19th century, someone can get a divorce without spousal permission. YOU don't have to sign the freeking papers, he can divorce your all mighty self anyway, what do you say to that? Now I just have to see if Wonder Boy is really serious. He sounds it.

Picnic in the park

Today I feel better then yesterday. I had blood drawn this morning. They can now tell what my blood has been doing for a three month span, isn't that amazing?
I took a picnic lunch to Caldwell to be with Steven. We had a lovely time. He told me his wife has a message for me.
What a shit she is. She said, "TELL HER< I will never never let you go and I refuse to divorce you, I don't want to be divorced." She doesn't care that she and Steven are both unhappy. She doesn't care what Steven wants, she only cares for what she wants.
I got news for her... I am going to keep being my sweet self and see what happens next. What a jerk!

SO, yeah, I know I know

I don't feel it coming from you anymore. I think you are perplexed, sad, un-certain,scared,stuck in limbo.
Do you change your mind? Do you want to be married still? Are you just afraid you cannot make it without her?
I think I am ready to let you go, I keep trying, but my heart calls me back.
I think I have to make it on my own, we are supposed to be friends, you are supposed to be here for me, and you really do try. I think being sick makes me ugly to you. You think I look like hell, and looks are so fucking important.
My eyes are hollow, I want to sleep, I have nothing cute to say, I am feeling down, and I don't feel like keeping a fake smile stuck on my face, like some fat barbie doll.
I think once we get the anemia and bleeding stopped I am going to be all right, I don't think it's cancer, I think its some hormone defeciency. I do feel and look like hell, and I am depressed, have been, I am going to quit the psychotropic drugs, I am still anxious, and I think I will just have Dr. Armentrout help me set up some type of care plan. I will have to get out of the house every day when school starts. Anxiety will just have to be ignored, I am tired of dinking around with drugs that are suposed to help, but give more side effects then benefits.
BITE ME!

Chatty Cathy

forty five years ago there was a little girl who loved her Chatty Cathy very much, and an evil big brother that took the doll apart.
I found this one on ebay for fourteen dollars, they usually go for around 200.00, I have washed and set her hair. Yes I am pleased. she is around fifty years old and doesn't talk anymore, I bet people wished I didn't either. HA

Dragging my ass

Today walking from the bedroom to the kitchen is a big ordeal.
IS knowing why, making me even more tired? I am trying to clean house, I give up, my bed says, "Glena Glena" so I am going to crawl into it for a few hours. Poor Daine, his mother is the most boring on record.

Ok

So I am severly anemic.. I supose seven months of period contributed to that.
HOWEVER and this is a big one, last year my pap came up abnormal and no one called me.
Now I have to have some horrible procedure done to me including but not limited to a wire being shoved gently into my taataa and getting a specimin from my uterus>>>>>>>> Barbarians.....

Morality fluctuates

I question whether conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances.
I am moral by my own standards.
I believe that morality is what best suits the occasion.
I believe that not all things work for all people.
Standing firmly in the middle of the road, ME.

Yet Again

Daine waited up for me last night, I thought it was so cute. He barely made it to bed without falling over.
----------------------------------------
I see Dr. Keif today about my on going period. seven months. WOW< I probably should have seen her sooner, but I have no pain, so I didn't think it was that big of a deal, my age you know?
Then Dr. Turner said, "Uterine Cancer" and I decided to take this seriously.
----------------------------------------
I told Bruce all about Steven. I am getting the impression he wants to compete. It isn't about that, I just wanted to confide in a friend, and Bruce is my friend. He said he could suck his initials in my inner thigh if I wanted to truly get rid of S. Intriguing idea? NOT!

Randomisms again

It's Saturday night. I am too tired and broke to do anything... surprise all the prince charmings who wanted to ask me out haven't come up with anything imaginative.
I have decided that I am not dating any of the yahoos. I don't want to go to some one's house and sit on my ass and avoid seduction. I am tired of being on the menu.
What I want is to go OUT dammit, see things do things, not be DONE

Randomisms from an Attention deficient

I survived the night, I paid the rent, I borrowed money, AND I got stuck with the bail bond, Thank you Su Ling Garcia. Thank you for not making an effort, thank you for being a putz and a loser, and re-newing my vow not to help people anymore.