Phantom James keeping me company

t.

And other Shtuff

I thought I should leave the house today, but something holds me back. I think I am going to nest today, maybe make some of those cake balls that I have been meaning to make, meanwhile, I am hungry, what's for lunch?

Sammie Burgers

Pantry Food

‎14.75 oz can of Pink Salmon
1 cup seasoned dry bread crumbs
1 small bunch of chopped green onion
1 clove garlic (smooshed)
2 eggs
3 T. Mayonnaise
1/4 t dried lemon
1/4 cup dried onion
1 T parsley
2 t Dill weed
2 T olive oil
1/2 Cup of dry sherry
sprinkle of sea salt to taste
ground fresh pepper
Several thin slices of Jarlsberg Swiss Cheese.
Drain the salmon, mix all ingredients in a bowl. Get the skillet hot with a dab of olive oil. make small patties, fry till golden on each side, the slice Jarlsberg Swiss cheese thinly and place on each patty, let it melt

Time Warp, and I am my Mother

It was odd going to Robert's funeral, his daughter was my best friend  through school since the third grade. We lost touch in later years, her mother died from cancer, I was trying to survive being married to Michael.

Her youngest sister told me that their dad had died and the funeral was at 11 AM on a Friday. I told Andy I thought I should go, I never told anyone I was going, its a small town and I just wanted to slip in and leave un-noticed... Good Plan in theory anyway.

Dianna the friend I had known since I was 9 years old, saw me from a distance, and she came running down the hill from the graveside, and started talking rapidly to me, I didn't understand what she was saying, nor did I recognize her. She had always been skinny, but food had been good to her in later years. she said, she was in a state of shock, she had thought she had seen a ghost, she thought Jean had come back from the grave to say goodbye to her Dad.

She was visibly shaken, I forget sometimes that I look "that" much like her, as I didn't think I looked like her when I was younger.

I had my hair pinned up in front and long down the back, dyed a subtle blondish shade, I was wearing a bright suit jacket and black slacks, and I thought, she probably would have worn the ensemble as well SIGH... I have turned into my mother.

The hardest part for me at the funeral was I had known most of the people thirty years ago when they were young, and it was like a time warp, I suddenly in the future with all these old people that I had only known when they were younger then I was now.

Green Boy

\A'tuin -Thanks to Becky from work for bringing him to me to take care of. Her husband found him walking down the highway and knew the turtle must be saved. I thought it was a tortoise, but after giving him a soak, he turned very green with red streaks on his cheeks, HA! Red Eared Slider.

My big Happy

Pumpkins and fall colors, puppies, and cats. Halloween, and Samhain, The fresh smell in the air, the shorter days.

Oh how I dislike, embrace CHANGE

I am smothered, I am craving creativity, I want to be the person I imagine myself to be.

simple

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. 
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !! 

Time is a wasting

We always say in our family that funerals are family reunions. Makes us remember to visit those people we think of Now, instead of later

bad to worse

Something I didn't know; My dog was vaccinated by the Meridian Animal control in Feb. of this year, and she has nearly died of Parvo this week. My vet thinks the shots may have become room temperature before they were administered rendering them ineffective. I called Animal control and left a message, they have not returned my calls. I told them it wasn't about money, its about innocent dogs and owners suffering. If I had known that she wasn't safe, I would have had the vet vaccinate her, and I wouldn't have taken her to the dog park twice a day. Lucy can't keep anything down, I was giving her teaspoons of live bacteria yogurt and water, but if the dog cannot keep food down, the only thing is a tube with saline and electrolytes in their veins.

What is new

We moved two doors down. Daine and I were living in a 550 square foot apartment, I felt like a hoarder, books and movies piled systematically on overbearing book shelves, but the matter is remedied. After animal sacrifice and voodoo the hag moved out of the house and I asked the landlord to carry our lease over. He agreed. It's over 1100 square feet, and everything is now fitting nicely. Wished I hadn't given away several hundred books in the last move, ha ha. (Exaggeration)

We have a new dog named Lucy, she is half Lab and half Dachshund. We call her a doxydor. Sherman the cocker is five.

Then we have Phantom James (25 lbs) Nodkin (15lbs) and Geilais (8lbs) Cats.

 

    Yesterday I went to Boise Psychologist Dr. Scott Armentrout for a follow up on Daine's I Q tests. He said Daine is the highest IQ that he has ever tested in his whole career. A 100 is normal in the range of verbal communication and understanding, on that alone Daine scored 149. Armentrout says Daine will probably not do well in school because of the way he is wired, he remembers everything but is disorganized and doesn't like to keep a journal as required by school personel. Daine does difficult math sums in his head, reads on a college level, and gets placed in gifted and talented classes, which he doesn't pass. They want me to sit on him and make him do his homework, I will not, Daine must make his own choices.

I am trying to get him into an alternative school called Idaho Arts. I worked there five days a week with an aspergers kid a type of autism) who was 6 years old at the time. I like the fast pace and the teachers who think out of the box, I knew it would be a good fit for Daine. 
Otherwise its going to be another four years of hell keeping him motivated in regular school. So far he is a brilliant happy kid, but is prone to depression and a feeling of being overwhelmed. He writes his own blog on Video games that he tests. Last year he was about 4 ft 11, this year he is five foot 11 and still growing, I think he is going to be over six foot tall by the end of summer.

 

My Saturday

I need a little cheese with my WHINE. I think it was Elaine Boozler who said, : "Housework if done properly can kill you." I say this as I try and type with my left hand and three fingers on my right hand. Everything is NOT in sync. I decided to eradicate mold on Saturday, I took all the curtains down and cleaned the windows with bleach and water. After the curtains were washed I slid Daine's curtains back on the metal retractable rod. It was stuck. I push and pulled I got a screwdriver. I thought, "Oh this isn't a good idea the screw driver could slip and cut me." Famous last words, the rod slipped and sliced through my finger at the knuckle. Blood sprayed everywhere, I chanced a look, I could see blue and white things, I felt faint. Daine was busy typing on his keyboard. I yelled "Band aid" Lesson number two...of which I didn't state lesson number one. One should NEVER and I repeat NEVER keep the first aid kit where no one else in the house knows where to find it. After that, it all got a bit hazy, however Andy came and took me to emergency, I vowed I would clean up the mess when I got home, knowing full well it would be there when I got back. four hours in the hospital...it was national druggy day, and there were several of them faking migraines so they could get pain meds. I felt impatient with them.. I had stopped the bleeding but at this rate the doctor would have to reopen the wound to stitch it. When an EMT came into the waiting room to look at the wound she said, "OH! I only see a hairline scratch." Then she pulled it open and gasped... she said "I see the tendon." I said that was ok I wasn't going to look, it made me whoozy. It was finally stitched up around Five PM. four stitches. I had been there since One. Ahh well, Drug Addicts need love too, but I was not feeling very kindly toward them, neither was the Doctor that stitched me up. "Hazards of the job" she said, "it's always a party on Saturday, next time hurt yourself on a weekday." I thanked her for the advice and went out and waited for my ride to show up. Three days off work and a week of light duty... Can't afford this... BUT I am scared about re-opening the wound. So I will obey Dr.s Orders. The Norco had kicked in and the Tetanus shot hadn't started to hurt yet, so when I got home, I finished hanging the curtains and decided to take the trash out, I can do that with one hand. The assholes next door are cutting down all the lovely 30 foot catalpa trees, and have left branches all along the path where I walk to take the garbage to that alley. I surveyed the path carefully, I can do this... I tripped over a branch and down I went,landing on my face and arm. I could see the jerks up in there cherry picker barely concealing their joy over my fall. I thought about removing bolts on that thing.... However I picked myself up, gathered the garbage and continued to the back alley. Sunday and Monday my injuries have kicked in, I am so stiff I can barely walk and the tetanus shot has made my whole right arm stiff. I can't walk my over exuberant dogs. Andy did the dishes for me....Daine changed the cat boxes. It could always be worse I suppose

My favorite Child

Janelle you are my favorite because you are truthful and loyal. You are my first, you are my teacher and my return to reality. Your humor keeps me going, I loved you at first sight 30 something years ago.
Chelsie, you are my favorite because you were my baby. You are the child of my heart, the one who finished my sentences, the one with a huge imagination and plots to conquer the world and all its trolls. You are sunshine and gladness.
Daine you are my favorite because you are the child of my old age. You keep me young and open minded, you are so smart and witty, it blows me away that you are my little boy, not so little anymore.
You are all my favorite.

Love Mom

Blah

It is Saturday night, and I am deceptive. Two scotch's down, and I wish my stomach would permit two more, it will not.

Deceptive because I pretend to care about things that I do not care about. I spent money today that I should have saved for bills, and I am not remorseful, however... getting a ticket from Nampa PD was unfortunate. there goes the extra dollars, that I was hanging on to. He said on the ticket I ran a red light. I did not run it, I just didn't sit at the stop sign as long as the NPD likes... I guess, anyway, this time I go to city hall and fight the ticket.

friday, what a day

Started out my day like I always do, finish a few household errands, and run off to pick up client at his school. The gas light was on, and I knew that client would like to eat his lunch in the car, so I pulled up to the Chevron on Amity a few seconds from clients school. I called Janelle on my cell phone and jokingly said, "Do you think that the static electricy from the cell phone will ignite the gas pump while I talk to you?" we talked for a few minutes, I put a little over forty dollars in, told Janelle I would call her later, put the debit into my wallet, shoved wallet into purse, screwed the gas cap back on tight, and headed out to the Nampa Library with my kid firmly buckled in, and happily eating his lunch. This was around 11:00 AM. The client and I spent our time together, then I took him back to school, picked up Client number two, who's parent had forgotten to tell me that she was at a different location then usual, so I was five minutes late, no big deal. We went through our usual list of things to do, then went to Fred Meyers. She didn't want to shop anymore, and I told her she could play with the game boy for a few minutes then we would go into Fred Meyer and get a cookie, then to the library. It had started snowing outside, and I was glad to be sitting in the parked car's warmth. I thought I would get on facebook for a few moments while my client was watching sponge bob square pants on the game boy. Very odd, there was a message for me, it read, "I Found your debit card at the chevron, is this you?" I sent a message back that YES it was me, and gave him my phone number and told him to call me. I waited most of the afternoon, he didn't call. At first I thought, how odd it was that he kept my card, why didn't he just turn it in to the clerk at chevron? So I called the bank and had the card cancelled. there was another 99 dollar charge on my card, but the bank thought it was chevron checking to see if I had funds before allowing me to use my debit to put gas in.. which didn't really make sense anyway since it was after I had filled my car for forty dollars. 

At this time, I had noticed that I had left the headlights on while client and I were in car. The battery was now dead, and it was snowing outside. I called a towing company to come give me a jump. He did that in a few minutes, and then we were on our way. I got a new debit card at the bank. Finished Before I knew that I had been robbed 100 dollars, after work I took Lucy; the new dog to Petco for a collar and dog tag. She loved riding in the cart, and was a pretty good dog while the cart was moving, when we stopped moving she jumped out. when I went to the counter to pay for the items, she jumped out of the cart and into their treat dish on the counter, and proceeded to graze happily on dog biscuits. SO I fumbled with money, dog and leash etc. The clerk gives you tokens to make the tag in the store. I went over to the machine with dog then put on her new collar and dog tag. Then discovered that I had lost my keys. It was getting late, and I was worried that the store would close. I asked the employees, I traced my steps, but still no keys. I asked the young crack head if he has seen them, he didn't give a shit, I asked the guy with the shaved head that liked my dog if he had seen them,and he found them in one of the carts. WOO!! I went home, I thought with all the brain farts I was having I had better just go home and stay there where I was safe... for the time being.

Meanwhile I still hadn't heard anything from the guy who messaged me on facebook.\ Sunday afternoon he finally gets back to me with an elaborate story about accidentally charging 99 dollars to my debit by filling up his truck. Well I didn't buy it, I think he thought he was going to get away with using the debit, then thought about it and decided to come clean. the story doesn't wash.

After telling me this, he doesn't get a hold of me for several hours. I grow weary of this and call the Nampa Police Department. I get some stupid wet behind the ears woman detective who decides that no crime has been committed since he said he would pay me back. This of course made me angry, and I told her, you don't think un-lawful use of a debit card is illegal? "Well" she said, "he is going to pay you back." I said, "WELL, he hasn't yet, has he?" I didn't like her one bit, I think she was a fool. She called him and thought he was a nice guy. SHE has ways to get his phone number, and was very proud of that. I still hadn't heard from him by five PM.

After I talked to GD and Tonie, I texted him on facebook one more time. I said, "When were you planning on paying the money back? It is now after five o Clock, if you don't contact me in one hour I am taking measures."  That got his attention and he said, "Can you take a check?" I SAID "NO I cant take a check, they take three days to clear, and my rent will be coming out of that account, if it hasn't already." He said he was just checking.... and would meet me at a gas station with the money. He gave us the wrong address, and then when we went to the correct gas station he wasn't there. Finally we found him, driving his big gas hog dodge pick up that was filled with MY funds. He ran up to the window with his hat on backwards like the dumb ass that he is, and handed me the debit and the 100. in cash, I made a point of counting it. He said, " I really am sorry." And he yelled it, like he had hearing damage or something, I said nothing, and Sherman stuck his nose out the window to size him up. Stupid punk was all I could think.

its not April

It seems like April. Wet cold, freeze, snow, sunshine. Odd weather.
I am seriously needing an Oregon trip. Tired.
I took a chance and asked for part time hours this summer. After all the complaining about not getting enough hours at work, I am ready for less hours.

Serious.

BennettHead

I feel so wistful today, I can barely think of anything to say. I had to run number one son to Boise today for the consultation with the foot specialist. I walked in at 8, because I forgot the appointment was at 8.. I was thinking ten-ish. The office staff had to pull the, "Deeply disappointed in you," Routine and would we like to re-schedule because droves of people are waiting in line to get in here and you have caused the domino effect. I pulled the "We are trashy people on medicaid, fuck-off" routine. I won. Anyway after they punished us sufficiently for twenty five minutes they got us into an exam room for more waiting. There were no droves of people that I could see. In fact the office was rather dead, it was just a game as I had suspected. After ex rays and expert opinion, and a plug for the local sports shoe shop, we found this is going to cost us plenty for orthopedic shoe inserts. My poor kid has to have them, and I have to find the money for them because medicaid doesn't cover the cost of that. Why? Not sure,
SOCIALIZED MEDICINE FOR ALL!!!
ahem, looks like that hundred I had tucked away for emergencies will go to good use for baby boys' feet.
Wish me luck, I am tiring of bullshit lately.

Lost Sunday

Its a good day to be with people who love you and have similar interests. In this case we all love "Kipper the Dog" and we ordered chinese delivery, and some of us had naps.

Don't leave home without me

TOXIC WORK RELATIONSHIPS

TOXIC LOVE,
 We love to hate them. I need to eat therefore I work. The air surrounds me with hostility. The rumors fly, the dirty looks are generated toward me. I continued to project helpfulness and humor, I hoped the problem would go away. I thought maybe I should hunt down the rumor makers and give them something to think about?? That wasn't all, some of the tech trainers were gunning for me too. Co-workers and Bosses disliking me... Makes me feel paranoid.
I got a note in my box about being positive, not confronting people at work, and being your own P.R. agent. I took that advice to heart, it was good advice. Work is not life, you cannot apply the rules of life to people above you in the work place. I wanted to say on several occasions, "Don't talk to me like that? What is the matter with you? I am trying to do everything you ask." Instead I said, "Yes thank you for that information, I will continue to try hard."
Blah blah, I follow the rules, I behave myself, and I am still treated like a child, hunted down, observed several times a week, then there are the teenagers that gossip. WHY hire teenage girls? They have turned this company into a high school popularity contest, and they get rewarded for their tattling. SICK to death of this bullshit. The bad get raises, the good either get reprimanded or fired. I have not been fired, but only because several parents of the children I work with believe in me. Because of their belief, i still have a job. But only just.

I talked to the good Dr. about this situation. There are several trainers who pick pick pick, and who publicly humiliate or drag down the techs. They do this in front of the children, other techs, and the parents of the children. Do I have to say? This is very unprofessional. It happened to me this summer. The child's relatives were present twice when (R) chased me down and started browbeating me. The company I work for was called, and (R) was told to leave me alone. I never said anything or did anything, but I feel a cold draft on my neck when (R) walks in a room that I am occupying. She doesn't strike me as the type to give up her quest to conquer evil (ME) so easily, but perhaps she has bigger and better plans for dealing with me, the insubordinate employee. In the words of Sarah to the Goblin King, "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!"
Shame on me for quoting Labyrinth.. yet again.

Low self esteem and the damage it does

It's a life time problem. You put up with more crap then anyone else, you wonder where your boundaries are, you wonder when you are supposed to tell people to stop! You read self help books, you go to seminars, you know you are a good person, but ...still you think you have issues. People you know complain to you, "YOU Just need to work on your self esteem." You know that, and you know more then anyone else what a good person you are and that you take too much shit. You just don't know how to change yourself. You have grown over the years, you have come to respect and appreciate yourself.
At work you are the scapegoat. You project helpful friendliness, you trust people before they have proven themselves, you get burned again and again. You consider being a hermit and telling the world to go screw itself.
You work on saying "No" and meaning it, you wonder why it seems so hard.
My suggestion, don't do anything for anyone that they wouldn't do for you, and rule of thumb, look into the mirror and practice the word No with no explanation, the more you explain the more you get talked into.

No....

The Road

The road we are on, the roads we travel.

You might say I pursued education and enlightenment. The more I know myself the more I realize that I have been striving to be considered normal for the better part of fifty three years.

There are things I wanted as much as education, a place to grow things, a home of my own, unlimited animals to care for, freedom to sing or paint or decorate… or cook. I wanted to try new things; I wanted to experience clarification without being judged. Not that being judged ever changed my opinion, it only made me more cautious and sadder. Why cant people accept others’ differences? Then I think, because people fear what they do not understand. I try not to be guilty of fear. Fear puts a guard up.

Ahhh the peckerheads!

I may have made a mistake buying a record album from Italy, that now they say is shipping from France. Doggone it. Just when Gerry Rafferty died, I found his album from 1972. Stealer's Wheel -Ferguslie Park. I had owned the album when I was 15. I don't know what happened to it, I think it was when I got very religious and at the encouragement of a dear Baptist Minister I sold all my record albums to keep the devil out of my home. Poor gullible fool that I was.
The first red flag was the shipping was advertised as 4 dollars, but became 16 after I won the bidding. So I paid 36 dollars total for an album I had originally paid 5 bucks for. Then I e-mailed the company and asked how I could track the shipment. they said I couldn't. I shall write a scathing review.
Anyhoo, the third thing that irritated me was them saying they sent it out, but they didn't actually send it out until three days later. Estimated time of arrival is January 21. It isn't here... OK, I do not trust them to start with because they misrepresented the facts three times. In baseball terms, they would be OUT!
So I wait.. I hope I get it, I want to listen to "who cares" over and over. I find I can still sing it.

All I can say....28523

Your children will never be this age again. I wanted to do so many things. Provide dance and piano lessons, get them to try out for plays, spend time at parks, take them on adventures. They grew up and we didn't accomplish many of those things they would have been so good at. They were not privileged, they mostly had to wait for their needs to be fulfilled.
I was depressed most of their childhood. I tried to accomplish a few things every day, I tried to go through the motions of happiness. Some of it was due to hormones, some of it due to exhaustion, poor health, a great deal of it was being married to a selfish jerk. I could never rise above what he did to us on a day to day basis. He managed to tear down anything the children and I built. He had his own agenda, I guess his goal was making sure everyone was miserable, he fed off of drama. All these years later and I can almost remember the day to day pain, almost but not quite.

Today there is one left in the nest, due to poverty, work, poor housing condition, I am back wishing I could do more for my son.
Music lessons, let him try out for plays, maybe voice lessons... He curls up in a tiny ball of un-sociable, that I know he inherited from me, I am getting old, he is too young to feel so old. I am done thinking something good will happen, I am done waiting, I make good with the now that we have.

Gerry Rafferty - Get it Right Next Time (recode)

Goodbye Gerry Rafferty (January 4th)

Who Cares ?--Gerry Rafferty
You get so tired of chasing dreams, you think that nothing's true.
You start to question everything, everything you do.
Feeling scared but you don't know why, so you tell yourself you're doing all right.
You're sick of all the empty days that make you so afraid of the night.

And if you try to read a book and get between the lines,
It doesn't matter where you look, you're only wasting time.
When you meet somebody else and you try to think of something to say,
Even while you stand there talking, you know your mind is drifting away.

You get so tired of chasing dreams, you think that nothing's true.
You start to question everything, everything you do.
Feeling scared but you don't know why, so you tell yourself you're doing all right.
You're sick of all the empty days that make you so afraid of the night.