This is only a test

I sit staring out the window at the rain.
I don't feel real, again.
All I can think is I don't see how I can do this all summer, day in and day out, coming home at 6 00 AM exhausted and bummed out,wracking pain in my legs and back.
I know that I had to face the really awful prospect of doing this for the rest of my life before I made up my mind to change.
But.. Will I really get into school? Will I succeed? I have to, but I know how things sometimes go and how things sometime don't go. I know that something odd can happen at any minute and change my whole life path.
NO I am not a pessimist, I just know this.
I want stability, and I get chaos.
I could use some money right now, I face bankruptcy, well what did I expect? One cannot go months and months without a steady job and hope to stay afloat.
Thankfully we still have a place to live.
The state of California in it's optimism hopes to get some child support from David Nedervelt. Not for Dain's good, but for them I suspect. I don't care, David is the victim here.
He did not ask to be mentally ill.
I didn't understand, society expects the mentally ill to pay attention like the rest of mankind, but they cannot. If I had been more enlightened I would not have told the truth about Dain's father. It is not Dain's fault, it is not David's fault, it is mine.
I do not expect anything from David, in the perfect world, David would have paid for his child, but this is not perfect. In the perfect world, David would have been the man I wanted and Dain would have a father.
If David was not mentally ill, he could accomplish all his dreams. When ever I think life isn't dealing fairly with me, I realize how nice sanity really is. Anyone can say I am crazy, but I know what crazy is, having had a basis for comparison, and I am pretty normal how be it, compulsive,childish and helpless at times.
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OH jeez I am about ready to wet myself, after all my complaining about life's strange unexpected path ways, a pop up notice that I had email from the university blocked my vision.
With shaking hands I clicked on it and opened the email.
My financial aid has been decided.
IT IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN!!!
I had to read thirty pages of information and take a test. One can only miss two. I missed two, I GOT IT. My first test.... Sigh.