Oh! And it's tortured alrighty

Not a good day for my angst ridden self.

The wedding day of my daughter. I wasn't involved in any way. I wasn't asked. I thought I was ok with that. My kids are rarely traditional. There was EH. I handled the situation ok. My sweet husband Andyroo went over and greeted EH. I wandered around looking for my daughter. She looked lovely and I was happy she found someone who gets her and completes her.
I'm still feeling closed out and uncomfortable. Here is many people I love and care about and I realize how little most care about me. Hard for me to understand, do I drive people away? I don't want to. I struggled with words when talking to guests yesterday, my words tangling into unintelligent sounds. People tend to walk away instead of waiting for me to get my words out.
Once again I realize how little I matter here. Once again I remind myself in a stern voice that this day is not about me and my imagined inadequacy. This is my little girls special day. I turn back to Andyroo my rock, my hero, my friend who gets me and completes me. I tell him I am going to find a seat.
There was the arbor waiting for the ceremony to begin. There were the brides maids chatting and the groom's mom wandering around taking charge in gentle efficient way. I love that lady so friendly and welcoming. And there at the front was the pig. Standing in swine-like authority already trying to take charge of the day.
I felt bile rise in my throat. If she was in the wedding that would be too much. I don't think I could handle that. Andy whispered in my ear. He had seen her too. He said, " you know people always begin to look like what they are when they age, and she certainly looks like the pig she is. "
God bless him.
I do believe that a young lovely person who is evil, will begin to look evil as they age. Youth and good looks are a cover. That is why you can trust most older people who look kind.
But I digress.
Well the pig wasn't in the wedding but she took up two seats in the front row and sat with MY granddaughters. I should have been in the front seat cheering MY daughter on, not that pig.
And the twenty plus years that I thought was plenty of time to get over the hurt and betrayal of a best friend and husband came back and hit me square in the face. I did not feel gracious I did not feel strong.
It all came back. Pig taking over my house, husband, kids, even the birth of my grandkids, yes she was there fighting for attention and pushing me away from my daughter,and here she is again, I admit I was too weak to push my way in. I also refuse to make a scene. So I kissed my daughter after the wedding and said I can't stay. My son called shortly after we made our getaway. Mom! Get over here they want a picture of you and Janelle. I said I can't I've left. He was irritated with me. I said cut a picture of my face and stick it on the photo. I know, I sounded like an asshole.
Now today I feel an overwhelming need to apologize. It is not the pig's fault I was a jerk that is all on me. However I will say in my defence they should not allow livestock in weddings.