Search This Blog

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Big fucking Confession



Okay out with it. I take Paxil for anxiety. It worked fairly well, meaning I get out for drives, go to work, buy food, etc. Things some people take for granted I have to make myself do. It never seems to get easier, hence... when I used to sing, I sang all the time,(I was a soloist) I got so frightened I started standing behind things, or singing more and more duets. One day my throat closed up and I couldn't sing anymore. People always say, "Oh just keep doing it, it will get easier." In my case it does not get easier.
This last time I started Paxil in May of 2006. I had withdrawal symptoms the whole time I was on it. Mild ones but still annoying. I am careful to take it the same time every day, and I do not drink, and watch my caffeine intake.
The sexual side effects were not a big problem because I am not married anymore and I thought I would just give that part of my life up anyway. It is now January of 2007. I started weaning myself off gradually a few weeks ago. The sounds in my head are nearly unbearable, I cannot hear what people are saying because of the white noise in my head. I talked to my Life Coach, and he was upset that I had been dealing with this alone for so many months. He wants me off Paxil. He thinks it is bad for me... OK some times he is the master of understatement. HE watched my head jerk, and my eyes twitch like I had electricity going through my body and he wondered if I was even safe to drive home. Me too actually.
Yesterday I started throwing up and having the other horrible side effect.. the one where you don't dare let off any gas. Sounds are louder, Cold sweats, and my body hurts everywhere. I can't eat. I usually don't worry too much about this one, I am pretty robust. BUT I bought my favorite pizza for everyone last night and I couldn't look at it. This is cause for alarm.
So I am not unusual in the side effects of weaning off, but I wondered why I have them while taking the recommended dose?
I also wonder if I will ever quit hearing the noises in my head? I have to look straight ahead, if I turn my head too quickly I see colors. If I walk outside into the cold after being in a warm house, I see colors and hear more sloshing sounds. I feel like there are holes in my thinking. I really want to end this. I am not suicidal, but hiding under the blankets for a few days would be nice.
EXCEPT... I have school Monday Tuesday and Thursday, I work Sunday Wednesday Friday and Saturday, and different hours and I am moving next week, and I Can't read my homework due to all the other symptoms, I am afraid to talk about this to anyone.
----------------------------------------------------
Documented Paxil Withdrawals
------------------------------
http://www.quitpaxil.org/Main/symptoms.htm
------------------------------------------


- intense insomnia
- extraordinarily vivid dreams
- extreme confusion during waking hours
- intense fear of losing your sanity
-steady feeling of existing outside of reality as you know it (referred to as depersonalization at times)
-memory and concentration problems
- Panic Attacks (even if you never had one before)
- severe mood swings, esp. heightened irritability / anger.
- suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)
- an unconventional dizziness/ vertigo
- the feeling of shocks, similar to mild electric one, running the length of your body
- an unsteady gait
- slurred speech
- headaches
- profuse sweating, esp. at night
- muscle cramps
- blurred vision
- breaking out in tears.
- hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, smells.
- decreased appetite
- nausea
- abdominal cramping, diarrhea
- loss of appetite
- chills/ hot flashes



Whereas the symptoms in the right hand column are a nuisance, and the ones in the middle column are barely tolerable, it is the left handed ones that redefine the term nightmare. Their nature is such, that you will find yourself questioning your sanity on a continual basis.
The duration of the withdrawal process seems to vary from individual to individual. In my own experience, the worst was over after the first two weeks. Still, three weeks into it, I was far from feeling ship-shape in Bristol fashion. It took around six weeks for the symptoms to subside.


-fainting
-"scratching sound" inside one's head
- constant white noise in the ears
- tingling sensation in cheeks, lips, tongue and surrounding areas.
- heart palpitations/ chest pain
- swollen and sore eyes
- fatigue
- extremely localized, bursting headaches
- lump in throat
- rash / dry, flaky and irritated skin
- grinding of teeth
- difficulty swallowing
- itchiness - numbness
- speech problems / inability to use or find the right word
- trembling
- seizures
- involuntary muscle twitching
- hallucinations
- diarrhea / stomach cramps
- heartburn/ gaestric reflux
- semi-orgasmic state (in women) to the point of irritation
- muscel aches
- possible disruption of menstrual cycle
- breaking into tears

------------------------------

- decrease your dosage slowly (check with your physician)
- if possible, book a couple of weeks off from work and send the kids to camp.
- don't be afraid to inform your friends and family if you find that the symptoms are noticeable to others.
- eliminate as many possible stressors in your life as you can, (e.g. finances, duties, chores) before starting withdrawal.
- find some kind of pleasant memory or thought which you can call upon in the darkest moment. This helps to provide context and hope to the struggle when it is most needed.
- surround yourself with means to distract yourself from the symptoms, e.g. books, films, games etc.
- if possible, engage in some physical activity (golf appears to be an efficient aid according to at least one visitor)
- stay away from recreational drugs, including alcohol.
- realize that there is an end to it.
- be in touch with your physician, if only for reassurance.
- to help you objectify the experience keep a written account of your the process.

No comments:

Blog Archive