Dreadfuls

I have the dreadfuls, and I cannot shake them. Over work, over relationship, over myself.
I need to call someone and talk myself down from the ledge, but there is no one to call. Armen is out of town, but even so, I would never never deem it so important of me to call him when I do not have a session.
Damn! All the times I have talked to him and not had any issues, and I am hit full in the face with the dreadfuls when there is no one to talk to.
Dreadfuls are brown and mucky like sludge. They stink, and they overwhelm, and they make me think of ending it all, sometimes I know what sets them off, other times like now, I am not sure, and I don't want to assess or analyze anything, I don't want to deal with this. I am hurt like a truck ran me over, and I have no apparent reason for it. NO one has said anything hurtful to me, and I have not said anything hurtful either. I have been in tight control of my jealousy, pettiness, envy, and hate, but now its like I am no longer in control, and they have swept me along. Walking in the sludge is no easy task. I don't know what to do, they were coming on yesterday, so I cleaned House, and I painted a bird house and some rocks, and I became all kinds of creative, and now I don't want to paint rocks, and I don't want to clean. I gave the cat away to a farmer. The cat pissed in the house all over the place, I cleaned up a lot of it, but the white carpet in the living room was the last straw. Sherman and Daine are a bit mad and upset. I will get a cat from the pound this time, one that has its shots and is neutered. I am sorry, and I miss the cat too, but he is better off as an outside cat. Maybe this brought on the dreadfuls?
Or maybe the college denying me more funds, I was counting on getting caught up on bills, now I cannot. I am overdrawn, and I don't get paid for over a week, and they keep mounting the charges with no forgiveness, I will never win, I will never pay my power, rent and cable for the computer. WE have so very little to keep down expenses, and still I cannot pay for it all. Maybe this brought on the dreadfuls? OR maybe all the extra hours I have been working to try and get caught up, and the puny paycheck that came with all those hours... HELL, maybe I have a good reason for the dreadfuls. Fuck it.