I have my plan B into effect.
I talked to a friend of mine in portland. He said when I am ready he will loan me the money to get out.
So first I am going to sock as much money away as possible... kinda hard on 200 a week.
Then storage place, then slowly pack and get things into storage.
Right now, Jim is mellow and acting half way normal again. All I have to do is let him bitch, keep my mouth shut, and all should work out to the best possible end.
Bill was ticked that I had got myself into this, but I explained that I had to get a place to live, as unemployement wasn't enough to support my rent, car, insurance etc....
Anyway, Do not worry. This is manageable. IF it gets to the danger zone, Bill will send me the money to get me out. I do not wish to ask for his help, but I will. Nothing will happen to my son. This is not a healthy place for him.

Happy Birthday DEEEER Glena
OK. yesterday I get a call from the school, Daine had an accident. He ended up in the hospital with six stitches, I shall spare the boring details. Jim still isn't speaking to me, this is a good thing lately, as he is the most complaining bitching person I have been around in a long time. I told him I had had enough yesterday and took a drive with Daine and Lucy.
GAWWD IT'S so exhausting being a perfect Goddess in an Imperfect world.
Jim's low self esteme and misery are beginning to rain on my happy parade. I am on the road I want to be on, and if he doesn't get out of my way I shall be forced to run over him. I am thinking about alternative living arrangements. Money is all I need...hmm and Maybe a Plan. Still I can't help but be happy, its my nature. I love him, but it will be easy to leave him.

My now empty life is wrapped up in one bare nail in the wall above my bed. That single nail held a picture of the love of my life as I held her on our wedding day. It had collected dust there for over 17 years. What have I done with the picture? Why didn't I take better care of it while it was at arms reach? Why do I see it's true value and miss it so much, now that it's gone? Where has it gone, and will it ever return? Will it ever hang on a nail again. Will another picture ever hang on it's nail? What pain in one simple nail? How will I ever sleep again, staring at one bare nail? The picture of that nail lingers even in my confused daze. What dreadful questions will tomorrow bring? Why do my darkest days always bring me back to this anonomous stage?

Darkest despair?
now there's an interesting thought. Life has had some strange twists for me, and I still think I wouldn't take any of it back. Except for the loss of my first son. Losing a child never goes away, it stays deep inside you and the memorys pop up at the strangest times.
Daine was a surprize. I always call Daine my viking warriour.
For the longest time friends thought his name was viking, cuz that's what I always call him.
Daine came to me when I was forty. So as he would say, we are both five now.
Only the little smart ass is now telling people his mum is Forty Five, and he is Zero Five.
He is the child of my old age, he makes me laugh, breaks my heart. My wishes and dreams follow him.
The child of my heart, the son I wanted.
Sometimes I Fear he is only with me temporary, so I cherish every moment with him.
He is a bit indulged, not spoiled, just cherished, listened to, hugged and loved a lot

Feelings of Divorce
Take the love of your life,
your friend, your lover,
your confidant, your rock.
Hold her by the hand and
feel her soft and silky skin.
Place her delicate little finger in a vise.
Then slowly, very slowly tighten the vise.
Listen to her scream in agony.
Remember all the things
she's done for you.
Watch her writhe in pain.
See her struggle for escape.
Look into her eyes,
as the tears stream down her cheeks.
Hear her beg for relief and
feel the bones crack in her hand.
Watch the skin split
and the blood drip on the floor.
Read the thoughts and feelings
etched on her face.
Then leave her alone for a while,
and return to release the vise.
Only to realize that she's been doing the same to you,
and you've both been doing the same to your child.
Repeat this torture every hour ,
of everyday, for weeks and months.
Then and only then will you understand,
the feelings of divorce.

"To bed to bed", said Sleepy Head, "Not so fast" Said Slow, "Put on a pan" Said Hungry Nan, "We'll eat before we go."

I will now describe my youngest daughter's truth.

It is a bright blue trailer, nestled among two lanes of screeching traffic. The bums outside harmonize with the night sounds of badly tuned up cars, and the police sirens sing her to sleep.She makes so many friends because of all the nice people who crash their vehicles in her yard, and all the tow truck men know her by name.
Her yard is populated by lush goatheads and boyfriend, Don spends his time hollering at the weed wacker. The white floors of the trailer are charmingly dirty, no matter how many times she sweeps the floor, and the beautiful windows.....well....won't open. Hahaha!
Don got some carpet from the bar he works at and so when she gets more black lights her house it will look like a dance party! she already has a disco ball. And she has the most beautiful furniture! a reniassance bed, and her couch looks like one of those antique couches, it's all green.....they are good decorators! Her cat, Tarod Lord of Chaos, is around, but his brother Death Scooter ran away (or maybe roomates stole him because he disapeared under suspicious circumstances)Her job sucks,as the telemarketer from hell, but the people she works with are cool, and it's a pretty easy environment. Don has a job now, and two paper routes, so they should be able to pay off bills really soon, and then maybe go back to college!

I noticed that Jim was scanning ads on Yahoo Profiles Tuesday. Shopping for a new woman I supose.
I thought he should have a more truthful ad. I fixed it for him. Rather doubt he will appreciate my work.
I can't help but wonder what his game is? Do you think he is looking for another woman and going to keep me on till he can snag another one? I am left thinking that must be the plan.
I am going to listen to his argument tonight, He doesn't know that I know about the want ads.
ANYWAY. when he is done I have a news flash for him. We have three choices. (1)I get stuff together and I go back to Brookings.(2) He immediatly compromises his attitude about Daine and quits woman hunting. (3) I live here, but move into Daines room for a temporary fix till I can get out more suitably.
(4) He dies in a horrible well drilling accident....OH I Said three didn't I? Just Kidding ; ))

Magic is thinking of you, :)
I didn't sleep well last night either?

What is really going on
As for HIM... I will not compromise. HE better ease up, the boy is five
years old, and doesn't have a mean bone in his body.
Daine does as he is told and is eager to please.
His crime?
He ran through the house to the bathroom.
His punishment?
No TV or Computer.... I told Bone head the punishment should fit the crime
and should be instant, NOT this wait 24 hours to exact justice crap.
He told me I had a big mouth.(actually a Goddammed big mouth)
I told him he needs parenting classes.
I visualized packing all my shit last night, over and over, needless to say
I didnt sleep very well.

I am so OUT OF HERE

I am going to miss you, well a little. You don't know children, though you think your a fucking expert on everything that is. What a pain to have to move again. I got a place to go, and I can line up a storage place. I can do this. I vowed early in my life, my children will never be treated like shit. I was given a gift and I am going to honor that. Anyone who doesn't understand can step aside. ANGRY? Yeah, I am angry, you don't even know the half of it.

Days are falling into routine. Kid off to school, work on squeezing stuff into house. Sigh with the dog. I love it here.

Till death do us part? then he wouldn't die, he never kept his word, damn it!

Live in the now, don't worry, all will be revealed.
My life? nothing is perfect, but everytime I am about to give up and run, something special reveals itself. Wanna join me for coffee? have I got a story for you.....ha ha ha.

Til death do us part
I hope to never hear these words again.
Not from my mouth, nor the mouth of my daughter.
Nor the mouth of anyone else.
How these few words will forever weigh heavily on my heart and mind?
How will I show excitement and happiness when I hear them again?
How can I be encouraging to my daughter when she considers this phrase?
Knowing what the future will most likely bring.
How will I ever utter these words again?
Without reliving the pain they've already caused.
How can these words be spoken twice by the same heart? Or can they?
How can I ever believe this phrase again?
Nothing is "Til death" when it comes to humans.
Will I always feel this way?
Will I forever battle the darkness left behind by simple words?
Only til death do I part.

Here I sit once again,
after a long day's work.
Wondering about my long lost friend.
I hope she hasn't the time,
I hope wants all she finds.
But still I sit and wonder.
Where's my friend?

Four days, so many ways to show I love you. Hands touch, Minds search, we were meant to be. No "if only's" dull our day, we live in the now.

I can't write I can't think, assailed by deepest despair. I sit here heart in hand, knowing I lost somewhere along the way.
Making my way alone once again.

Time for change.

So, he is homeless and single again. Heading back to Brookings Oregon. I have to move and get an unlisted phone number.

Love Spell Time Up deep in the woods, where it is very dark, the fire burns low, we stare into the flames and we recite.

I will take you anyway I can have you baby.
I will cheat
I will dance in front of the full moon, and fill a champagne
glass with moonlight, and drink it while whispering your name.
Draw your name in the sand and let the tide take it out
I would
To keep you with me, I would make a pact with the wind,
and renounce my beliefs
I know
I think we knew each other before somehow,
cause you feel like home to me
it comes from my heart, I am not good with words
I don't understand poetry.
I don't have to.

Olivia Jean Mitchell Turns one years old Tomorrow

People say: "Oh you have been hurt before." and I think: "I've done my share of hurting others too. I don't know which is worse, being the hurter or the hurtie." One has guilt, the other pain.
My mind knows that I have to risk being hurt, if I want to share life with someone else. But when it's hurting, my heart can't seem to get past the pain.
Ah, the constant struggle between the mind and the heart, logic and emotion. At times, I wish I had one, without the other, but I can never decide which one I want. Mostly I wish I could figure out how much of each I should use at any particular time.
Seems like it's always one or the other, never a balanced mix of the two. Maybe it's like oil and water, just won't mix, or maybe like a rotten potatoe, one spoils another.
Who knows, I guess it's just life.

People say: "Oh you have been hurt before." I answer "who hasn't?" it's not about that, its about NOT wasting one's time on unpleasant people. Time is, Time Was, Time is to come.
I want to make the best of what I have, I don't want to be bothered with people who waste time complaining about nothing.

What I want To speak my mind and never hurt anyones feelings. To be able to tell dream world from reality. Security, hopes and dreams realized. A special someone to share it with.

What I want!
One day without darkness, one day without despair.
One day without tears, one day of cheer.
One day of happiness, one day of fulfillment.
I know it's out there, I just have to find it. Just one day.
And then I'll make that day last forever.
If not, I hope that day is my last.

This morning he tried to feed me his breakfast, and I said, no sweety I am full I don't need anymore food.
He said, "You gotta eat mom."
I told him, "NO I am getting fat, I have to watch that". he said "Is it my fault for feeding you?"
I said "No its my own fault."
He says "Mom fat is good, go ahead and eat.
Whats the worst thing if you are fat?"
"I can't run and play anymore."
He said,
"Thats just life mom."
I said "Get in the car Daine, I will drive you to school now."

Daine's Definition of "Martin Luther King"
I know who is Martin Luther King is, mom. Once dark people got to sit at the back of the bus, and all the white people had to sit up front. He changed the laws, now, because I am light, I can sit at the back of the bus if I want, and the dark people can sit up front. Isn't that right? mom, mom mom......

26th of May 1963, 11:30pm
Welcome to the world. I was the 4th of 5 children, first boy born to very traditional parents in the rural farm country of western Tennessee. I was born at the Nautilus hospital in Waverly, TN, with Dr. Walker delivering me. My parents were thrilled to finally have a boy after 3 failed attempts. It must have been a very warm spring because Dad says that the corn was already high as his head by the time I was born. Mom told me that my being a boy made them both very proud, especially Dad. Dad gave Mom something very special while she was still in the hospital because she had given him a boy. I know this because she later gave the special item to me, but I can’t remember what it was. I was to be the one to carry on the family name. That’s too much pressure to put on a small boy. I didn’t realize it then, but I was always under that pressure. As a matter of fact I was named exactly as my Dad.
Wallace Buford West II, is quite the name for such a little boy. At the “West” family functions, I was always called “little Buddy” and Dad was “Big Buddy”. Too much for a little boy to live up to and too demeaning as I grew older. Even though I am now over 40 years old, I’m still “little Buddy”. As fine of a man as Dad is, I am not a smaller version of him. I am my own self, with completely different wants, needs and desires. It took me almost 40 years to figure that out. I had always tried to be just like him. I respect Dad, but I no longer strive to be just like him. He is a wonderful man, and trying to be like him has made me more successful than I could have imagined, but I can’t be like him. I have discovered that there are many things that I thoroughly enjoy which Dad would’ve found to be a waste of time and effort. After almost 40 years of striving, I am now stuck in a life that is falling apart because I’ve made it something other than mine and it’s not what I really wanted. My mistakes, not anyone else’s. I haven’t much of a clue as to who I am and what I want to do now.
Some of my earliest memories.
We lived in an old farm house on a small farm. It had three bedrooms, Mom & Dad had the front room, Kathy and Kim shared a room, as did Beth and I. I think all the kids slept on bunk beds and I was on the bottom, but I’m not sure about that one. The only heat source was an in floor furnace that was just outside the bathroom door. On cold winter mornings, we would all crowd around that furnace and wait for the bathroom. On real cold nights, we would hang blankets over part of the doors and we would all sleep in one room, the dining room I think. The doorway between the living room and the hallway had beautiful French doors.
The first TV I remember was black and white. It had something wrong with it and we’d have to stomp on the floor every few minutes so it would shake. If that didn’t work, someone would have to get up and give it a good whack to make it work again. That was the only way to keep it working. Us kids were the remote control. Turn it up, turn it down, change channels, were the orders when Dad wanted it changed. It only had 3, maybe 4 channels and even then the antenna had to be adjusted fairly regularly. Dad would climb up on the roof to move the antenna and someone in the house would yell “Better” or “Worse”. On stormy nights it was just worse.
We had pigs, cows, horses and a dog and maybe chickens, I’m not sure. The dog’s name was “Snowball”, because he was all white. He was a mix between a shepard and a collie. He would always greet visitors at their car door and gently bite them on the wrist and lead them to the front door. Some of the horses names, Nabby, Bess, Chigger, High Pockets. It’s funny, I can remember all those, but I can’t remember my own pony’s name. Why not?
Duke’s store was just up the road and we would beg Mom for a dime, so we could go to the store. I can remember during the hot Tennessee summers, burning my feet on the sun heated pavement while walking up to Dukes. Mom told us that when she was a kid they would cut off a piece of the road tar and chew it for chewing gum. Her tar must have been different than ours, cause I tried it and yuck.
I think we could buy either a candy bar or a coke for that dime, but as I remember it, cokes were primarily a grown up thing. Duke’s had everything, groceries, hardware, plants for the garden and lots of other stuff. I can still remember the smell of Duke’s store. There was an antique store next to Duke’s and I can still remember it’s smell too.
We either burned our garbage or fed it to the pigs. I was afraid of the pigs. We didn’t have much garbage because we didn’t throw anything away. We used paper grocery bags for garbage bags because we couldn’t afford the plastic bags. At the dinner table, we would pass the dish towel because we couldn’t afford paper towels or napkins. We grew a lot of our own food in a garden and I suppose we may have raised beef and pigs for slaughter, but I don’t remember doing this real early. I know we raised some beef when I was several years older.
My three sisters
Kathy Sue is the oldest and her birthday is the 26th of March, 1959. She and I were the closest. I’m not sure why, but I can speculate that it’s because she was the oldest and kinda looked after me. Even though I’m almost 40 years old, it’s still that way too.
Kimberly Jane is the middle girl and she was born on the 3rd of March, 1960. She was always “Little miss goodie two shoes”. She was Momma’s little girl.
Mary Beth was the youngest girl and closest to my age. She was partially named after Mom. She was born on the 19th of November, 1961. She and I were rivals, we constantly fought, played and fought some more.
Benjamin Corey was my much anticipated little brother. He was born on the 8th of October, 1973, ten years younger than I. Finally, a brother, I’d always wanted one. I remember the day he was born. It was a school day and I was in Miss Spicer’s fifth grade class when someone came and told me that Mom had the baby and it’s a boy. As it turned out, he came too late to be what I wanted. We aren’t and never have been very close, just too many years between us and I had left home by the time he grew up. We really grew up in two completely different situations and even different generations. I was the 4th of 5, while he was much closer to being an only child.

What I want I want cheaper rent, a bigger place, nice landlords, a good job, and PEACE of mind.

Daine and I put the Christmas tree up yesterday.
After a sign from God, I decided to skip lights this year.
(I plugged them in and they blew a fuse, and exploded the lights.)
Daine reminded me in his quiet gentle way that I can be very anal.
We were hanging up ornaments and I was explaining that you have to place them
a certain way and all facing the front. Perhaps I got a little over zealous with my
instructions?

Daine said "Mom your going to spoil my Christmas if you don't stop"
The cat is delighted, Olive is delighted, and Kayla is in constant trouble for touching
the tree!!
SIGGGGHH
Christmas!

We don't like Pumpkin Try explaining to a five year old, that you cannot save pumpkin for next years' Hallaween. He insisted I cook his pumpkin which (I'll get to it later Mitchell) didn't get around to carving with him and the Empress. She (Igtilm) host's Naked pumpkin carving every year, but this year her school and Dwain maintance took time away from her.Hallaween came and went, and we have two pumpkins left.
She gets her organizing abilities from me.
The Viking decided that he didn't like pumpkin after all and would save the other one for next year.
Vikings are not known for listening to reason. Actually men in general.
But I digress. We have pumpkin cooked. We can feed it to Olive, make pumpkin bread, or feed it to the Viking anyway. It won't be the first time he ate something that he was not fond of. We are soaking the seeds in salt water, next I bake them in the oven till they are crunchy.
After several hours of work we get a handful of seeds ready to eat, the kids eat them and say, "WOW why don't you do this more often?
>:((

Lucy is quietly standing up finishing the left overs from Daine's dinner Daine is playing Ninetendo. I am writing on the blog, and all the maids are in the garden hanging up the clothes or something.... FUCK.

Dinner with the German
He soaked the turkey in a brine of One gallon of water, 1/2 Cup of salt, 1 Cup of brown sugar One orange quartered and squeezed into the water.
Soaked that bird for 12 hours.
Then he baked it at 500 degrees for about 35 minutes. (It smoked, so did he! whoo hooo)
then he took it out, covered it in foil and baked it at 350 degrees till nearly done, took off the foil turned up the heat a bit. and baked it till done.
The white meat was just like butter, it melted in my mouth.
I was most impressed, but I would hesitate to tell him, that he over salted everything.
Big time over salt, it spoiled the flavor of the gravy, but to each his own.
he served it with a vile concoction of cooked purple cabbage doused with cinnamon.
My stomach was going to remind me about that cabbage later.
I asked him if I could do the dishes, and he said "NO", and went off to do them.
I sat in a chair watching some violent movie I didn't want to see, and drank my wine.
Apparently too slow, he came back and sat at his computer, and gave me a weary look, "I go to bed in an hour." He said.
I felt like apologizing suddenly.
Sorry, I had eaten his dinner, Sorry for the condition of America's insurance plans, Sorry for our poor medical coverage, Sorry that I was breathing air that was necessary for his survival.
I said, "Oh thank you for the lovely meal, I was just leaving."
He gave me a tight lipped smile.
I was still offended that earlier when I asked to use the bathroom, he said very stiffly, that he didn't have a bathroom for my use, that I would have to go upstairs to my room.
It did not compute, so I said "where do you go? outside?"
he was not amused.
He said, "NO I have one in my apartment."
He was annoyed at having to explain himself.
So I went up the stairs to pee in my motel bathroom, I was a bit bewildered, but then I thought perhaps he has a severed head in the sink and doesn't want me to see it.
Or maybe he thinks we vile lazy greedy Americans have cooties?
However it was nice to have a room for free, and a good meal, and even the dog was invited, I just couldn't figure out how I went from date to Unwanted pest.
Some things are best not explained, just left.
I enjoyed some of the day, the rest doesn't need to be pondered.

Heart of Hearts. One call, and it is good. Love, oh useless love. It will never be brought to fruition, he is the reason I will be alone for the rest of my life. Passionate nature squelched. No one knows the real me. Only one there will only be one great love in my life, he just happens to live in Scotland. The reason I can write with such sickly sweet clarity. Oh heart of hearts. Still.....

My Son Says"just because I am not going to miss you doesn't mean I don't love you forever." He is leaving for Boise Idaho with his oldest sister tomorrow. I don't like it. I have never been separated from him for more then an evening. Saying, "I don't like it." doesn't even begin to explain the overwhelming dread I am haveing. The feeling that my precious gift will never be returned. Say you will be home soon, back into my arms, My baby boy. The gift of my heart. The love of my life. They are only ours a short time, and we raise them up, hopefull that can conquer the demons that we could only hide from.

awow i didn't know you had this thingy for so long ... . interesting... i thought it was new

I am where I am, from a long walk through pain. I neither want to cause pain nor feel it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am withdrawing, with every dissapointment, I think "Well I am certainly not going to be in that position again."
Every kissed frog remains a frog.

Welcome back to work

I am home, sick today. I almost enjoy it, cause I am HOME. I like being home. Unfortunatly I think of many things that I could be doing, but I am too sickly to do....
The cat likes this, she says if I am not doing anything I can just pet her.

So, I met a pinnipedasaurus today. Gentle man. Kinda like what I had ordered the first time when I got David... You know? Too soon to tell. I refuse to obsess on this. Spent a day with him, and just enjoyed the heck out of it. I have no idea what he thinks about me, I dislike it when I can't read people. But as I said, I am not gong to obsess. I like him and it wasn't a wasted day.

Awoke in the night by a burp I opened one eye and the dog was grinning at me. DISGUSTING.
She had got up for a midnight snak and had some beans. Bless her inquisitive dog heart, she was booted outside in the night.

well the curse is broken, I survived Monday.
I am trying to analyze why work sux so much.
(1) Prima Donna Drama Queens allowed to run the office.. that would sum it up.
(2) Using scape goat methods to control other office personell.
(3) changing the rules on a daily basis.
(4) witholding vital information that I require to do a good job.
(5) Refusing to leave the office and take breaks, not trusting other team members to do their job...
(6) Fuck it. it's like a bad marriage, one can only endure, one can never improve the situation unless one LEFT the premises and moved 700 miles away.

Monday morning. Didn't we just do this? Sitting here drinking yesterdays coffee, cause I hate to waste anything.
Daine and I made oatmeal cookies last night. Interesting thing is you open the container of Old fashioned oats, the kind that takes hours to cook, ;) then the recipe says......use QUICK oats.... Right.... IF I had quick oats then I would have been reading the recipe from there. Anyway... chewy oatmeal cookies are kinda nice.

http://duskydawn2.tripod.com/

My Computer is Lonely Tonight
(and I am not answering the phone)
OKAY, just bored then. Where is my entertainment?
Things I did today...
Took Daine to a birthday party so he could ride a pony. Took a shower. Did a load of laundry,
laughed with my daughter...a lot.
Listened to her complain....a lot.
Painted my two end tables pink. I knew that would impress you.
Made popcorn for dinner, and home made lemon aid.
ooops I promised Daine I would teach him how to make oatmeal cookies, and I forgot.
I requested a cyber bug for my website, its name will be Louis....hee hee, and it's pink.
ok, I am crazy about pink. However I am wearing a pale sage green button up shirt.
I usually wear green.
Today my hair doesn't look half bad. Guess it settled in. Hair does that.
candles are lit and I am listening to Alan parson's project.
Nice Change actually.
HOPE your day was full of good things.
Just me

Friday Friday!! doing the happy dance. Daughter and I took a walk on the beach with the little ones. Kayla and Daine dragging sea weed around like pets.
The dog knew. When I got home she gave me a reproachful look and sniffed the salt spray on my jeans. I think she was saying, "How could you go to the beach without me?" I like to take her when I don't have to keep my eye on two little ones heading in totally oposite directions which the five year old and the two and a half year old are likely to do.

Subject: Daine's Letter to Alan, his own words 4 1/2 years old



Dear Alan,
Mom is typing this. She says, I cannot say that I like you best because you send me stuff, she says, that is rude.
I looked at fishing stuff yesterday, mom would not buy me anything she said, MAYBE for my birthday.
I am going to go fishing some day. I caught a worm yesterday, Mom said I could not bring it in the house, that is okay, I lost it somewhere, I couldn't find it after I brought it in the house.
I got my socks wet in the sand box. I took off outside, but I could only find one of them.
Then we went to Cliff's work, and mom typed on the computer, I was bored. I can shoot rubber bands into the wall. I like to run the chairs on wheels into the wall too, but Mom said No.
I want to send this letter now.

Daine Bennet Dusky 8-O

Moody Blues will Play, but not for me....sigh...

Moody Blues Concerts.
When ever I rely on other people, plans fall through.
David was going to fly me to Las Vegas for a visit in October. Well blah blah, things came up, and then he got a new job etc. SO he says January.. I am sulking now. MOODY BLUES ARE GOING TO BE THERE!! OH MY GAWD, like I am still in love with Justin Hayward.
Anyway, if you get a chance, go, and tell me all about it, while I sob miserably in my tea.
I was 15 when I first heard them, and the love affair began. I was 35 the first time I saw them in concert, and it was awsome. I had to wait 20 years to see them in concert. now its been another 10 years, is it my imagination or is time flying by? I keep looking around, and yeah, I am getting old.It was without my permission.

This is just to get in touch with someone that you want to talk to.

Improvise.... but what I use is as follows:
(1) Red candle,(2) two red headed pins ( I even took two white headed pins and painted the tops of them red.)
(3)Patchouli or rose oil, or your favorite High vibration oil.
(4) Lighter...of course...(5) open mind.
(1) Anoint candle...dip your fingers in the oil, upward stroke, downward stroke Clockwise around the candle.
(2) Light candle
(3) focus on the one you want to call you. While you focus Repeat these words while Crossing the two red headed pins into the flames making an X, but do not put out the flame.
SAY:
"It is not only this flame I mean to stick, but Allison's heart I mean to prick, whether she awake or sleeping be, I call her heart to come to me.
So mote it be
So mote it be
So mote it be"
Then snuff out the flame with your fingers. Do not blow it out.
I wet mine first.
it has been my experience that the person focused on calls in twenty minutes or so.
The witches said five minutes, but it took longer for me.


Usually James Dean would call and say, "I heard you an hour ago, but I couldn't get to a phone."
Then he would tell me to knock it off, he didn't believe in that stuff.

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Monday, Gawd how I dislike Mondays. the beginning all over again, trying to take it one day at a time. Well of course that is all we can do... but STILL why wasn't I born rich instead of usefull?
My son is on one today, very amusing...not. Five years old and glaring at me, because I didn't remember to let him hit the start button on the microwave.... SORRY.
It is seven o clock P M and I am beat. Long day, started at 5 AM. Later Gator.

Saturday, January 13th, 2001 7:45 PM 6.0
I feel kinda bad, because I sat on my ass most of the day, lamenting not getting anything done. I have bills to pay groceries to go get, and I don't feel like leaving the house. Danced with my grandbaby, and made her laugh, smoked my last cigarette on the porch in the rain. Had meaningful conversations with my three year old. all and all a up and down kinda day.


Friday, January 12th, 2001 7:39 PM 6.0
After work, I went to sit with a depressed friend. Could feel the energy getting sucked right out of me. I wanted to make him feel better, but I wanted to be home with my two kids. We are all we have. I am going to help him clean his house on Sunday.


Thursday, January 11th, 2001 5:18 PM 7.0
some good some bad, My son was assessed by the state, he is advanced on his communication skills. I noticed some areas that I need to improve on as a parent. He is three, I am single and work, I am tired.


Wednesday, January 10th, 2001 6:48 PM 6.0
evil looks, and smug thoughts do not make up a good day, I have to deal with one of my co-workers getting her comeupance. Wish I wasn't so close the situation.


Tuesday, January 9th, 2001 5:42 PM 6.0
Well I got my wish, the one employee who was making my job harder, got to do my job today, since the managment could see that she wasn't doing her part. I felt guilty, but was free to accomplish much more today, while she was overwhelmed and swamped, like I have been the past several months.


Monday, January 8th, 2001 4:56 PM 7.0
I get a little overwhelmed at work on Monday, I feel like I am one of the few employees that understands team playing, and the good of the whole work place. Two of my co-workers have their own agenda, and prevent me from getting my other things done, because they don't answer the sales phone, I am looking for solutions and better communication with them. But I secretly feel that they are nothing more than prima donna's and don't care about the whole picture, only themselves. Came home to my adorable three year old, and the world seems right somehow.


Sunday, January 7th, 2001 7:19 PM 10.0
Started the day with my kids, went to the beach with all of them and friends to dig for clams. We didn't find any clams but had a good walk and fun day. Got home to find the cat still stuck in the tree, so we climbed up and saved him. We had dinner at McDonalds.


Saturday, January 6th, 2001 9:42 PM 10.0
Had nightmares all night, woke up to a baby a cat and a dog asleep next to me. After getting ready, I went to breakfast with my daughters ages 21 and 18, my 3 year old son, and 9 month old grandaughter, we had a blast. Took a walk on the beach at sunset with a friend and my three year old son