2 weeks in a row

I do feel like a spy from the outside world, but I am staying inside the doors, open minded; singing the songs; and watching.
It's hard to explain the feeling of interloper that I have deep inside. The imposter who knows things they in their innocense could only guess at.

More Weirdness

My rent is now caught up minus 83 dollars. What a relief that is! Now we have a home, at least till the next short pay check (snicker)
So now I think I am so smart, I put 75 dollars on my charge card, sixty of it to be used for gas to and from work, and 15 in case I don't plan for lunch. I go to stinker station yesterday and attempt to put some gas in the car, the card is declined. I do not understand this, so I go inside, and they of course ask for ID and eyeball me over like a criminal. NOTE: I was wearing my security uniform with a name badge that clearly has my picture and name displayed on it. I also provided my drivers license. I thought he looked pretty asinine, and in my irritation I asked, "JOSH" to please enunciate when he spoke...I hate mumblers. The card still declined and I feeling pathetic dug through my purse and found three dollars in change to put "ONE WHOLE GALLON" in the tank. I was on empty...sigh...
When I got to work I called the charge card company and after needless music to be held hostage to, (also it was static) I got a "live" one, who put me on hold for another "live" one. Eventually it was brought to my attention that there was an $89 dollar charge from Maryland ( I live in IDAHO@#$%#!!) that I did not authorise, but somehow have to prove that I did not authorise this charge. It is the guilty till proven innocent routine.

It aint easy being me

So bored depressed worried anxious Anticipating school starting in August, here we go again, lets see if I can manage B's?

Let's don't and say we did!

I got home around 1:30 a m. I was tired and my eyeballs were hurting from straining in the dark. I had that niggling feeling I was forgetting something. I got inside the apartment and was greeted by the over exuberant cocker spaniel, and when he jumped on me, I discovered the radio still firmly attached to my belt, closer inspection produced the security keys. I knew what this meant, but I didn't want to drive 20 miles back to work. I had to anyway, so I called them and they said, "YES bring them back immediatly." (Spoiled sports)
So it was around three AM when I got my tired behind to bed.

Jethro Tull kind of mood

I go through phases I am in a Jethro Tull kind of mood. You can watch the video on U-tube by clicking on the link below. See what I mean?
Glena

"Witch's Promise"

Lend me your ear while I call you a fool.
You were kissed by a witch one night in the wood,
and later insisted your feelings were true.
The witch's promise was coming,
believing he listened while laughing you flew.

Leaves falling red, yellow, brown, all are the same,
and the love you have found lay outside in the rain.
Washed clean by the water but nursing its pain.
The witch's promise was coming, and you're looking
elsewhere for your own selfish gain.

Keep looking, keep looking for somewhere to be,
well, you're wasting your time, they're not stupid like he is.
Meanwhile leaves are still falling, you're too blind to see.

You won't find it easy now, it's only fair.
He was willing to give to you, you didn't care.
You're waiting for more but you've already had your share.
The witch's promise is turning, so don't you wait up
for him, he's going to be late.

It's Monday after the blue moon

I slept till nine I am a sloth. Last night at work I flooded over all my pads, and there was nothing to do but go into the bathroom and wrap more pads around my saturated panties. Of course I was not allowed to go home, and I had to stand and suffer for three more hours, it could have been worse, it could have been the beginning of my shift. I guess I pack extra clothes from now on. What do you tell your co-workers? I don't know what the etiquette is for Auntie Floe. I think most men would rather NOT know about that stuff. I work with all men. But for now, I know this will be an ongoing problem, I flow very heavy, and its only about an hour grace time for my pads and tampons put together. It is lovely going through the change. I hear that I am getting it pretty easy.

ooooh I beg for you ( still remains)

Our bed we live, our bed we sleep
Making love and I become you -
Flesh is warm with naked feet
Stabbing thorns and you become me
Oh, I beg for you, you know I beg for you.
She holds my hand we share a laugh,
Sipping orange blossom breezes -
Love is still and sweat remains
A cherished gift unselfish feeling...
Oh, Id beg for you, you know Ill beg for you.
She tells me things, I listen well
Drink the wine and save the water -
Skin is smooth, I steal a glance
Dragon flies gliding over...
Oh, I beg for you - you know I beg for you

Pick a song and sing a yellow nectarine
Take a bath, Ill drink the water that you leave
If you should die before me -
Ask if you can bring a friend
Pick a flower, hold your breath
And drift away...

The Red Dress

Some things are just classic, I bought this dress 8 years ago, and I still love it.

My odd Day

Off to work I go, I am listening to Jethro Tull, and chewing on a piece of watermelon bubble gum. The window is down, the breeze blows my hair...I blow a big bubble,the breeze catches the gum and blows it out of my mouth and straight into my hair. I try in vain to pull it out of my hair, the gum is so sticky that my fingers are now stuck in my hair with the gum. I am now driving down the road with one hand on the steering wheel, and my left hand stuck in my hair. The song playing?..."Thick as a brick" I think I am going to walk into work like this, it's going to look very funny.
When I get to work, I have to cut a chunk of hair out, because the gum is not budging.
Later, I notice my cell phone is missing, I find it in the parking lot, then I smashed my thumb in a drawer, and I forget to put my keys in my purse.
Going home at 1:00 AM they (whoever "THEY" are)have my bolt hole the freeway blocked off, and I cannot squeeze past the barriers, I am forced to figure out how to get home in the dark another way. I am night blind, I do not know where I am. I am lost. IF I had a real boyfriend, I could call and say, " I am lost it is dark and I am scared, can you help me figure this out?" But I do not have a REAL boyfriend, I have Steven who is tucked nicely in bed with "youknowwho" and I am lost somewhere in the dark... still listening to Jethro Tull, but he is not singing "thick as a brick" anymore he is singing, "Too old to rock and roll but too young to die." I wish he would make up his mind. I am silently willing Steven to call me, and rescue me. I do not get a phone call.
I find Amity by accident, but I head the wrong way, I figure this out after nearly driving back to Boise again. If there is a wrong way to go, I will always take it, even if I say, "I think this is the wrong way so I will take it, it still is the wrong way.
Obviously after all the worry I am home safely.
I wonder if you can see the chunk I cut out of my hair?

Really Red

Son hates it, he says he wants his blond mum back.

Shrimp Monterrey

The boy brought home a bag of frozen shrimp from his sister's house yesterday, so I decided to cook it up for dinner. I am about half out of anything interesting to cook for dinner these days.
So I boiled the shrimp, added sea salt, cooked penne pasta in another pot, drained that, added powdered mustard,celery salt, milk,a can of cream of celery soup,parsley,and ground pepper.mixed it up, poured in the drained shrimp and a cup of grated Monterrey jack cheese. It was very good, the boy ate two servings along with green beans, because I don't have any salad stuff.
In the mean time, my sink is blocked up and I don't dare drain the pasta in the sink. The plumber fixed it, turns out... one small piece of orange peel caused the whole trouble. What the hell are garbage disposals good for anyway? I sure don't know, you can't put anything in them, and you have to call after hours maintenance, because heaven forbid anything would go wrong during office hours.

American Cocker spaniel

AKC Ranking: 14
Family: gundog, spaniel
Area of Origin: United States
Date of Origin: 1800s
Original Function: bird flushing and retrieving
Today's Function: spaniel field trials
Avg Size of male: Height: 14.5-15.5 Weight: 24-28
Avg Size of Female: Height: 13.5-14.5 Weight: 24-28
Other Name: cocker spaniel

History
The American version of the cocker spaniel is derived from the English cocker spaniel. In the late 1800s, many English cockers were brought to America, but American hunters preferred a slightly smaller dog to hunt quail and other small game birds. Just how this smaller cocker was developed is not entirely clear; some credit the dog Obo 2nd, born around 1880, as the first true American cocker. But other evidence points to crosses of the English cocker with even smaller toy spaniels (that nonetheless arose from the same ancestral stock). Initially the English and American cocker spaniels were considered varieties of the same breed, but they were officially separated by the AKC in 1935. Although cockers were already popular, after the separation the American cocker surged in popularity and has remained one of the most popular breeds of all time in America. In fact, it was the most popular breed for many years. So popular was it that it was eventually divided into three color varieties: black, particolor and ASCOB, which stands for "any solid color other than black." Only recently has its popularity spread to England, where it was recognized by the English Kennel Club in 1968, and it has gained admirers steadily since.

Temperament
This breed is known as the "merry" cocker, and the name is most fitting. It is playful, cheerful, amiable, sweet, sensitive, willing to please and responsive to its family's wishes. It is not known for retaining its hunting instincts, but it is inquisitive and will appreciate a country outing. It is equally at home in the city and will happily walk on leash for its exercise needs. Some bark a lot; some are overly submissive.

Upkeep
Although it enjoys a romp, the cocker can receive adequate exercise with a long daily walk on leash. The coat of the cocker requires a greater commitment than that of most breeds, although pets can be clipped short. In order to maintain a nice coat, it will need to be brushed and combed two to three times a week, in addition to professional clipping and scissoring every two to three months. Special attention must be paid to ear and eye cleanliness in this breed. The profusely coated feet tend to carry debris. The cocker is physically able to live outside in temperate climates (given adequate shelter), but it is not mentally able to do so; this is such a social dog that to banish it outdoors would not be acceptable. cockers have a tendency to become overweight.
• Life span: 12 – 15 years

Form and Function
The smallest member of the sporting group, the cocker should be compact and sturdy. Its gait is ground-covering, strong and effortless. The coat is silky, flat or slightly wavy, not overly long. Excessive coat can hinder the dog in the field. The head and expression are hallmarks of the breed; the expression is soft and appealing. Though seldom used for its original purpose, the cocker should still be able to spend a day in the field and should be balanced and athletic. It is true, however, that most cockers now have too much coat for field work.

Jethro Tull-Ian Anderson

Jethro Tull - Sweet Dream Lyrics



You'll hear me calling in your sweet dream,
can't hear your daddy's warning cry.
You're going back to be all the things you want to be,
while in sweet dreams you softly sigh.

You hear my voice is calling
to be mine again,
live the rest of your life in a day.
Get out and get what you can
while your mummy's at home a-sleeping.
No time to understand
`cause they lost what they thought they were keeping.

No one can see us in your sweet dream.
don't hear you leave to start the car.
All wrapped up tightly in the coat you borrowed from me,
your place of resting is not far.

You'll hear my voice is calling
to be mine again,
live the rest of your life in a day.
Get out and get what you can
While your mummy's at home a-sleeping.
No time to understand,
`cause they lost what they thought they were keeping.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Listening to Jethro Tull, doing the laundry and thinking of some secret meeting with a lover in the dark forbidding woods. Ahh Jethro and his flute, is such a romantic.

Star Book by Cindy

This was my birthday present from Cindy, its halloween in a tiny little book that makes a star when you tie the ribbons together, I think its pretty kewl!

LISTEN!

I never met a human resource person who couldn't listen.
As I tried to explain to her the schedule for Blue Cross she kept interupting with wrong info.
I SAID>>>>I am working that site so I know what the hours are.
She replies.."OH" Now the dreaded thing has happened, The fantastic T has taken over scheduling. I am so happy for him, he put another scheduler in the hospital, and he gets to do the job, Just Desserts in my opinion.
HOWEVER the gig I hated so much(blue cross of Idaho)and gave a months notice on, just ended last night, and no one thought to tell me from my company, so I had to call Securitas and tell them.... and she argues. What a DINK!
They have Monday and Tuesday open from Five PM till Nine PM, I could do that if they give me ten minutes to get to Direct TV on Tuesdays.
My major objection is hanging out with Frau Haasenpfeffer. Only, she isn't so bad NOW that she had a few days off. ONLY I would be working with another Blue Cross Security Officer. Swing shift is ok, I just can't stand Grave Yard Shift, and couple that with negative hard ass people and you can have your own private hell.

Not a good fit

I told him I wouldn't be going. He said he wasn't going to do it anyway.
WHAT WAS THIS? A test? knowing S, it was probably just kicking idea's around outloud. I still need to buckle down my resolve. Being alone is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Living with someone and being alone is.

Twin Falls Idaho?

Now he is talking about getting a job in Twin falls and me and Daine moving with him.
But but but... I don't want to transfer to Twin Falls from BSU. I don't want to move, what makes him think it will work? He said he is afraid of losing me, I said, 'maybe that just needs to happen.' There was silence on the other end of the line. I Just don't know! I never was one for moving in with someone, its too soon for that, and I would rather have commitment, not fear of losing each other. I would rather have some surety. Some guarantee.

Can't sleep Can't stay awake

Over a month now without a day off, I am so burnt. I am behind on housework and laundry, the house has that smell of disuse. Nothing to eat but a TV Dinner. I need to go to the grocery store, but I avoid that with all I have. I HATE walmart. But Albertson's costs more. Things are looking up, but it all takes so much time. Eventually I will forget how hard it was, and go about my merry way, won't I?

Nataliedee

YEAH! So I like men anyway, their simple little brains are easy to figure out.

fly away glena jean

but you know I drift off where the attention is, I cannot help it, I am not of this world and a free spirit that has been held down to worldly ways too long, someday I shall take flight and I will not look back
Steve says:
i understand
Goddess of Shoes says:
do you really understand? I was supposed to have you in this life time, I FEEL that so strongly, no one pulls me in like you do, even men I have professed to love, I never loved like I love you.

Janelle Graduates from BSU

You are a bean brain

I expect the only one having a good day is the wench of martyrdom, why don't you see that?
Some people are predestined to be miserable, but it's not going to get them a place in heaven.
I am predestined to be euphoric.
This may find me a place in Hell, however I hate being cold anyway.

Duct Tape and stolen glances

spilled milk in the kitchen. broken fender,vacuum with the strength of a mouse with a straw, cd's that skip, instructions I can't read, mess on the desk, DAINE'S room...sigh,hanging up wet clothes because 'no dryer' Work work work,stupid going nowhere romance,Bruce, Doggie hair everywhere, Chewed up work shoes... doggie everywhere, did I say he was improving? Maybe he feels about my work the same way I do, he did eat those shoes and no others. Recently anyway.
computer programs that won't cooperate,cold coffee, too much coffee,makeup running out, no imagination for dinner, not hungry, too hungry, flirtatious,dead inside,mixed up, dead on,happy, sad, ahhhh medicated, not medicated, Get drunk get laid, thats probably all I need... then I will be saying, hangover, regrets...snicker.

Skating away on the thin ice of a new day

So he holds me tight and kisses me on the nose and tells me he doesn't want anymore stolen moments, he wants to take time to make love to me properly, and he is sorry he cannot spend the night as he had originally said.
I AM QUITE DAFT

Remember Me

One up on ya S.
I told him, I go where I get attention, it is my nature. He may find out yet.
He told his wife. He was forced to, I think he is a dink, why do I still have feelings? Dr. Armen says, I am too smart for S.
SURE showing signs of that, HUH??? snicker snicker

All things considered

It was a very nice birthday. The youngest's husband had to leave at five, because there was a TV show he couldn't miss at 8:00pm. So we waited patiently for them to leave, and then we had pie.

The day of lament

I am not scheduled to work this week, my phone is shut off, and I am not going to be able to get caught up on rent.
I called Securitas on my borrowed phone. I got a job for Thursday, an 8PM to 8AM gig, you know those that make me want to throw myself off a cliff kind of gig. I told the work scheduler I would work any thing. So any thing is what I get. I shall not bitch too much. I have to work I cannot see anyway out of debt, but pure honest work.
I get to meet up with the fantastic T again... gawd that man has the humor of a rock.. THOUGH there are those people who have actually seen him smile. I think probably because he was going to fire someone.
I would like to see his little empire fall, but his TYPE never learns to be kind, and never learns to be generous, and lastly, never learns that what is on the outside is not a sign of what is on the inside. Superficial slut, is our Fantastic T.

Milestones? or is it head stones

tomorrow the Goddess turns fifty.
YEAH I am bothered, its all starting to fall in on me.
I have disliked every milestone. Twenty meant teen years were over.
Thirty meant another marker of age,I could not turn back time, I could not make my little girls babies again. Forty was kind of cool, I had a baby boy to mark time with. Fifty is one big jump, and once again I cannot turn back time.

Dance of Ages

I am the dance of ages...
I cannot find the lyrics to it, but I love the song. You can hear it on my space if you are interested. It's by Argent.
I like it because it is done to a heart beat, and it cresendos into an orgasm. The background has a storm brewing, and as ever Rod Argent's vocals are so emotion filled.
All these years and I have never made love to that song. I think it's time.

why does doing the right thing feel like crap?

He didn't even remember our date. He acted annoyed when I asked him where he was. I was so mad that I couldn't talk to him. What was this;the 555th time he shined me on? So after my visit with Armentrout I really weighed the right and wrong things about this relationship. I dumped him by e-mail. I expect he deserves no more than that. The worse part is he hasn't even responded to me. It is like I never existed for him, and perhaps that was the problem all along. I should be proud for having the strength to tell him goodbye, but instead I know how much I will miss his quick wit and sweet smile, sigh... and those gorgeous blue eyes.

they will get you everytime

I had an enjoyable morning with my oldest daughter and grand daughter #3. I came home and took a nap, the landscapers came and mowed the lawn and blew grass through the window, and sprayed water on my computer, so I got up and closed windows.
IT was supposed to be the morning with Steven... something came up, what a surprise. I am getting a life without him.
Meanwhile my clean couch cover that I washed is spotted with grass and god knows what else. I hung it outside...sigh.
OH and my grades were nothing to brag about. All C's one B, it could have been much worse, I told you I hit the wall this semester. SIGH no big rewards for me.

Good and Bad

Good; les schwab fixes my flat tire
bad; I need five hundred dollars in struts
Good; Wal mart takes back the bad mouse and I purchase a new one.
Bad; you need a mouse to install the software
Good; I don't have to work tonight
Bad; I drive fifty miles to find out
Double bad; I need the money
Good; David is going to pay child support
Bad; he sent the papers to me, which means I have to make a trip to Boise to turn them in *fifty miles*

Boys are so sweet

Mother's day

Everyone that knows me well, knows that I have a certain fondness for halloween. I was denied it for so many years because of my religious affiliation. NOW throwing caution to the wind, I collect halloween things. I had a ceramic Jack'o'lantern that someone made for me, and I loved it. I broke it cleaning the house one day.
I was feeling kind of bad and I said, "Oh well, nothing is safe when I clean house." Daine expressed sympathy and nothing else was ever said.
HE made me one in school for mother's day, isn't that the most thoughtful thing?
I can only imagine him explaining to his teacher that he had to make a halloween ornament for his mother on mother's day... sigh, she already thinks I am not playing with a full deck.

It never remembers me anyway

Last final was tonight.
I celebrated with a 81 cent TV dinner and a glass of home brewed ice tea. YAY living fancy here!

who gave out my number?

SOOO aparently after ten years, the state of Idaho caught up with the father and demanded child support.
Dee called to let me in on the happy news. I told her that I didn't know where they lived so Idaho found them on it's own, I didnt want their money. I didnt want them to try and have 'rights' where my son is conserned.
Dalen said, "lets not fight about that now,its good that I can pay child support." Dee piped up with,"WE tried before but you wouldn't let us." I said "you tried to take Daine." I don't need this shit.

why did I buy all that chocolate?

I got both stories written and all my assignments turned in before nine oclock tonight... THREE HOURS to spare. SO I don't care if I write ever again.
I will wonder why if I don't get a good grade, I put in obvious effort.
SIGH But I am not the teachers pet, in fact I suspect I am the least favorite in his class.

Dressed in White

Short story



White, everything was white. Soft fluffy towels, washcloths, the little bits of soap in white packets, the crisp linens, and the carts carrying the supplies were also white.
We were in jeans topped with white smocks and wearing white caps on our unkempt hair. My friends said no one was as white as I was. I was embarrassed because I never got the California tan that the other girls had and remained white all summer long.
It was 1976; I was 19 years old and I had my first real job. But I also had other plans. I was going to Montana to marry my Childhood sweetheart. My future seemed cut out for me.
The maids of the Pier Pont Inn were drinking cokes in hotel glasses filled with ice and swinging on the porch swing, out on the veranda that faced the ocean. I can hear the click of the ice, the slosh of the liquid, and the pop and snap of the chains of the porch swing.
I loved these girls; they were my co-workers and my dearest friends. This was my send off party, and we have all squeezed onto the swing one last time together to talk about life and listen to the creak of the strained swing together.
The swing creaked, the ice clinked, and the girls laughed and joked. I felt at the time, set apart, as if I was watching from far away. The scene would never be repeated again. Tomorrow I would take a plane from L. A. and land in Missoula, Montana for the next chapter of my life.
Earlier, I had been pushing the white cart up the steep hallway, trying to maneuver while I watched the ocean. Many of the rooms faced the sea and have covered porches protecting them from wind and rain. Pushing the loaded cart up the steep walkway, which I had done so often, would not be missed. It was the last room on the list before the next chapter in my life, I thought, as I began doing my work. Wipe down the bathroom, fresh towels, and fresh linens, remove the trash and vacuum. It was methodical, like an assembly line. Just then the girls popped up behind me and said,
“Join us on the sea veranda, bring your cart, we want to say goodbye to you.
So here we were talking and clicking our glasses together, celebrating our friendships and saying goodbye. It just seemed wrong somehow. I didn’t really want to go; I knew I was giving up my will by going to Montana and the friendships I had. Nevertheless, working at the Pierpont Inn for minimum wage, and trying to save for Los Angeles Baptist College was taking too long and I had lost focus on my goal, to sing. I had forgotten the invitation to join in the college’s vocal group and it was a matter of survival now, and it wasn’t much fun anymore. Moving to Montana was an easy way out, marry, raise children, go to church, be a good woman and never worry about trying to compete in the real world. I was only nineteen, what did I know; it just seemed like the right thing to do, the easiest thing to do.
A stiff breeze blew up from the sea, and being February in Ventura, it was springtime. The trees were filled with white blossoms and the promise of warmer weather on the way. The wind made the blossoms fall off the trees until it looked a lot like a snowstorm in Montana and some of them blew into our coke glasses.
Daniel the gardener was walking towards us. He was trying very hard not to look at me, we had a mutual crush going, but I was moving to Montana and that was that.
“What are you women doing here? It’s against the rules to use the guest’s swing you know.”
One of the girls piped up,
“We are giving a send off party, either join us and shut up or leave, those are your choices.”
“It is for you isn’t it?” Daniel was looking right at me, and I could feel my cheeks getting hot.
I nodded overcome with bashfulness; it was always that way for me. I had quite a sharp wit unless someone talked to me, then my tongue folded up and I could not speak aloud.
“Old Lady at twelve o’clock!” one of the girls shouted. This was the cue to clean up our mess and get out of there quick. The hotel owner Mrs. Pierpont was ninety years old and would fire us on spot, if she caught us drinking cokes, and swinging on the porch swing. She didn’t like her employees fraternizing during working hours and swinging on the guests swing was a means of dismissal.
I turned to look at them, but they were already carrying glasses and heading toward the kitchen. It was only Daniel and I left standing there. I started pushing my cart and nearly tipped the whole thing over when the wheel caught on a hole in the cement walk way. I was trying so desperately to get out of there and not be alone with Daniel or look at him I was not paying attention to the cart that was teetering dangerously, when Daniel reached out to set it right.
“You would have had smashed glasses to clean up too, better pay attention.”
“I am paying attention.” I said and I felt irritated because the clever words I thought of would never exit my mouth, I would remain tongue tied in Daniel’s presence from here until eternity, and I wanted to talk, I really did.
“Could you at least look at me?” he asked, and I shook my head in the negative, I could not bring myself to look him in the eye. He had caught me many times looking at him when I thought it was safe.
I remember his smell and the way the light sweat clung to his neck. He had been working hard out in the rose bed again. He took great pride in Mrs. Pierpont’s rose bed. If I raised my eyes he would be looking at me, I felt my face get hot I sighed and looked up.
“That’s better” Daniel said, “Was that so hard?” All I could do was shake my head in the negative like a ninny.
“Looks like a piece of the wheel chipped off when you hit that hole”, he said.
“Shit” I said before I could stop the outburst. Blushing even redder then imaginable.
“Ahhh she is human and not an angel.” Daniel laughed at me. My name was Angel and I endured many jokes on that subject.
It has nothing to do with being human and all to do with how I would feel confronting our boss about the mishap. Daniel noticed my distress and offered,
“I have an extra wheel in the shed, it would take me about five minutes to fix it, quit looking so upset, I can do this, I am handi-man and gardener extraordinaire, ok?”
I watched him with hope and suspicion would this cost me later? Oh what could I worry about I was taking the early morning flight to Montana I couldn’t be much safer. Then it dawned on me all those years ago, I was looking for safe, and I was not the kind of girl who would be happy with safe. I was shy, but I had a wild rebellious streak, and moving to Montana and Marrying Michael might make us all miserable. I wish I had given it more thought before making such a big decision. What a time for cold feet I thought. I always tried to keep my promises but would I be doing Michael a favor if I eased off and asked for more time? He was in a big hurry for me to come home; he said I was changing too much. He said he could tell when we spoke on the telephone. I talked about all my new friends and what we were doing each evening, and it worried him.
The question to be asked; what was running from dreams and what was running to them? Should I struggle to save for tuition to LABC, or should I swallow my ambition and move back to Montana? I did love Michael, didn’t I? We had so much past together. Neighbors since childhood, he was my hero and I was his little angel. Had I outgrown him and not noticed? I was running out of time. I was running out of time on the time clock too, I had better finish up.
Daniel stared at me a moment then turned to get the wheel from the shed. I licked my dry lips and turned into the last room on my list.
Wipe down the bathroom, fresh towels, and fresh linens, remove the trash and vacuum. I had said this in my mind a hundred times over. I was thinking about Daniel now as I worked. Why was I so nervous whenever he was near me? I was calm around Michael, calm and comfortable. With Daniel, my heart pounded and my cheeks flamed. I barely knew him, why did it have to be so hard?
The hum of the vacuum drowned out Daniel’s hello, or maybe my mind was wandering far away, suddenly there he was looking at me.
“I said hello when I came in but I guess you didn’t hear me” Now it was his turn to look sheepish as he held something behind his back. Slowly he pulled them from behind him I saw an armload of Mrs. Pierpont’s Roses. Instant dismissal I thought.
“Worth the chance” he laughed reading my mind.
“Are you about finished here.”
I nodded; though I was a timid girl, I was beginning to feel more comfortable in his presence. I think that even then Daniel had it in his mind to persuade me to stay in California a little while longer, though I suspected nothing at the time. I was too naïve and trusting even for the average nineteen year old. In that moment, I realized that Daniel liked me. I was too shy and nervous to see the signs before. The smiles and waves from afar and how he always showed up where ever I was working. He always was so smooth in his manner but a closer look told me that he was almost as nervous as I was. “I have something else for you too.” He said searching for words. “Its not here, I have to take you to it. Would that be alright?”
“I have to turn my things in and I can meet you in thirty minutes.” I said
I remember feeling adventurous I was game for anything that came along. This was my last day of work, last night in a town I loved and the last time I would see Daniel. I wondered what he would show me I wondered as I walked to the parking lot, but I was not afraid
“Over here.” I remember him saying standing next to a motorcycle, holding a helmet in his hand. “Put this on and let’s go, we’re taking a ride.” I have committed to memory the ride as I held on. The cool breeze hitting my face as I tried to shield myself behind him. The roar of the engine and the sound of the wind and the scenery that’s still gorgeous along route 101 to Las Positas Park. Is this where we were going, I wondered? I had heard about this place but never had the chance to visit it. Located in the mountains the view was supposed to be spectacular.
“Almost there.” He yelled over the sound of engine and wind. Within minutes we turned into the park. I was overwhelmed by sight and sound and wondering what I had myself into, but immediately shrugging off any worries. Today would take care of itself I thought.
He pulled the bike off the road and stopped. Daniel reached out to hold my hand.
“I have wanted to bring you here for a long time,” he said as we walked up a dirt road. “Now close your eyes and I’ll guide you. Keep your eyes closed.”
A million things were running through my mind. I was not afraid I was excited, I thought I knew where he was bringing me, but I wasn’t positive. When we began stepping down steps, I knew.
I could actually hear my heart beating as I opened my eyes to see where I stood. The view was incredible I stood in an amphitheater that was carved out of the mountain. Daniel leaned forward and kissed my ear. I looked around me my heart beating fast. We were at the bottom of a stone bowl. All around us were steps going up into the sky, just like an amphitheatre of Roman times. I could only look up. Above was the sea, and it seemed likely to spill into the bowl. How could men think to build such and amazing thing?
“I know you like to sing and thought you might like singing here,” he said with a wide grin on his face.
I had always dreamed about singing in an amphitheater someday, in front of hundreds of people. Even though there were just a few people walking around at the top, to stand there, looking up, gave me butterflies in my stomach.
I opened my mouth to sing, a squeak came out, and the sound carried. I was mortified. This is nothing, I can do this, I opened my mouth to sing again, this time clear light notes floated over the air. I thought the breeze carried them out to sea.
“Lay me down and roll me out to sea, lay me down, roll me out to sea, waiting for a mighty wave to comfort me…” I knew it sounded good as I continued into the song, a song I loved since I was a young teenager not too long ago.
A few people began to gather at the top of the bowl, and watch me. I was hoping they would leave, but the more involved I was with the song the less I worried about being heard, it occurred to me I was meant to be heard, I was meant to sing. Daniel stepped away from me and began walking up the steps. I sang from my heart, the notes getting richer as my confidence grew, and my shyness melted away. There were birds calling in the distance and they only added to the song about lost love and longing.
Next afternoon, spring and blossoms changed to fog and Montana snow. The plane circled the runway several times visibility was at a minimum.
I am afraid I cannot go back into time and change the decisions I made. I did what I thought was right, but I often wonder about a cool breezy afternoon in Ventura California and if Daniel had not walked away, if he had only stayed and sang the song with me. Where would I be now?

Turning Fifty

There are those of you who think I am being a wimp. BUT... I thought by fifty I would realized who I am. I would be in a great relationship, own a home, garden all day, play with my grand babies.
INSTEAD I feel less sure of anything except short on rent again.
I am waiting for a sonnet dedicated to my beauty, and a love poem written about my many charms.
TODAY for the Mother/Son bonding event we made an effort to groom the Cocker Spaniel. He still loves us, and forgives quickely.
The shaver I bought barely moved the fur.. what the hell? Son thinks it was a momentuous event, but I still have to clean up the fur I managed to get off of parts of him.
I work four Pm till Midnight tonight. Daine goes to a barbecue with his sister and family... I WORK...I grouse.
I don't want to work, and yet I need to work more hours, I NEED someone to pay my rent before I end up living in the kids garage.
OK, but the sun is shining the air is mild and it is beautiful in Nampa Idaho today, and I am free of relationships that suck the air out of my lungs, and I have two pets I love dearly and and and.. its going to be ok, I just know it.

lemon chicken

SO I made lemon chicken with wild rice and white rice. Wild rice takes an hour to cook, white rice takes thirty minutes. Dilemna. I cook them together and I end up with soggy white rice and chewey wild rice. hmmm not bad especially since I drank the last of the chianti... only one cup, but I am such a light weight.
The lemon sause I made with corn starch sugar and lemon juice, man it was good, slather the cooked chicken breasts and cook till tender, eat the gooey mess with more chianti... I see no reason not to enjoy it.
The viking liked it, he ate a huge plate and informed me the rice passed. I thought he meant it was passable, but Passed means a good grade like I am not going to get in ENGLISH. I re fuckin Wrote the 28 assignments. I stared at the other writing assignments. IT TOOK ME ALL DAY, I have no energy for anything but cooking lemon chicken and watching the rain soak my laundry that I hung outside... interesting.
I really need to get laid.

Bald Headed little wart

Dedicated to the anal retentive "my way or the highway" professors out there... BITE ME! hope you break your teeth off too.
It was the last class in Fiction class last night, and I got pulled aside.
Seems my 28 assignments and two short stories are not up to standard and must be re-done.
I am going to do it too, I want a decent grade from that wacko.
I just smiled and agreed with him, I was so put out, I couldn't think of anything else to do.
The one story I agree because I had help in writing it, and that bothered him. I told him I had help, but sometimes I should just shut my big mouth I am my own worst enemy.
AND That stupid cow in my class said to me, "How are you doing?" I said I have some finals coming up, but I am not going to sweat them because I Figure I know what I know and its too late to worry about it." She said, "YOU SHOULD NOT BE SO NEGATIVE." I said, "That's not negative, I said I wasn't sweating them."
HOW THE HELL is a person supposed to talk around here? JEEEZ. She offered cookies and I didn't take one, I was feeling like a feral dog after that class last night. I am not perfect we have established that, but I felt so picked on, and in case I was wrong, I thought I better keep my mouth shut, it could be hormones. HOWEVER I never liked that cow anyway.
SHE always says the same thing about every one's fiction writing.
She is of the opinion that what she says is of great importance.
COW.

The Queen of Denial

I am not as quirky as people say.

OOH could you bitch a little more?

I ache, I am tired, and I haven't any money.. How is that?
IF I didn't have stupid class tonight, and study group before that, I would put the rest of the Vino away I would TOO!!

James' Other Plans

WEll I was going to get something accomplished today, but it seems James has other plans for me.

TOO Bad Mr. Excuse man

Freekin alone in Nampa again. Promises Promises, thats all I ever get.
What does he get? A big fat nothing.

Depressants and Movies

Do you know by Sunday I will have worked twelve days straight?

Certainly that explains the burn out feeling I have lately, or part of it.

I have drug class tonight, and Need to have more information for my notebook on Depressants.

I need to watch the movies “Trainspotters” and “requiem for a dream” for extra credit, also I am still supposed to go to two AA meetings which I never found the time for.

Last night I sat on the couch with my pets and watched TV, I haven’t done that for a long time.

I slept good except for the nightmares again.

I shouldn’t watch “Medium” before bed, its always scary.

Earth Day is every day

Earth Day Eggs
by Amanda Formaro

Celebrate Planet Earth with these cool colored eggs. Who says coloring eggs is just for Easter? Each egg creation is unique from the other, no planet looks the same! A fun way to discuss Earth Day and its importance.

You will need

hard boiled eggs
blue, green and yellow food coloring
vegetable oil
white vinegar
water
coffee mugs or other containers
3 spoons
paper towels
newspaper or a plastic disposable tablecloth
What you do

Put one tablespoon of oil and one tablespoon of vinegar in each coffee mug. In one mug, add a teaspoon of blue food coloring. In another add a teaspoon of green, and in the third add a teaspoon of yellow. Add water to each cup to make them 3/4 full. This allows room for adding the egg so that it will not overflow.

Cover work surface with tablecloth or newspaper. Lay out some paper towels to lay wet eggs on to dry. Place a spoon in each mug of food coloring mixture.

Hold egg in one hand at the ready. Choose a color, then stir the mixture with the spoon to create a whirlpool type motion. Once swirling, quickly lift the spoon out of the mixture and place the egg on the spoon. Dip immediately into the mixture, holding in the mixture for only a few seconds, then remove. Place on a paper towel. Repeat this process for each egg.

Once all eggs have been dipped in the blue mixture, move on to the green. Start with the egg you did first and repeat the process as above with green mixture. Again, lay on paper towels until done with all eggs.

At this point, you may choose to add more green or blue to individual eggs depending on how they look. Repeat with yellow if you desire. We did yellow on some but not all.

Carefully dry all eggs with paper towels, the oil makes them slippery! The oil will also give them a nice shiny coating.

Earth Day Eggs

I have been such a depressed turd lately, I try to go through the motions with Daine that everything is ok.
He is depressed, so I think he is picking up on my mood. How terrible to be only nine years old and depressed.
I faked it today, we made earth day eggs, and I managed to smile.
He said, "This is what we need to do more of Mom." Meaning things together, and I told him, its time mostly I am either working or going to classes, but I know it will get better, and he said, he thought so too.
GADS I hope so, I am really at my limit.

Guido doesn't work here anymore

Idaho Title and loan left an ugly message on my cell phone. From a Theresa that I have never spoken to before. I had dreaded listening to the message all day. After I steeled my nerve and listened, it was almost laughable. There is something about people threatening me and promising me more misery when I am up to my ears that brings me great joy... OK I know I am sick.
So I happily called the company and asked for Theresa. She came on the phone with guns blazing. I listened, then I told her that Surprisingly I really didn't have the money they requested, and I would be very happy to pay it, because that is how I roll, however I did need to pay rent and there wasn't anything left. (I even stiffed rent by 100.00 so little was my fucking paycheck.) I asked them, were they going to send out Guido to get my car? because if that was what they wanted to do, I wasn't going to make it easy on them, and I was going to pay other bills first. Suddenly her tone changed and they were more then happy to let me make a late payment, JUST THIS ONE TIME, since I was such a great customer and all. You know? I wanted to say, "Screw you Theresa, but I refrained and held on to what little dignity I had left.
I feel a little better, but the rock in my stomach hasn't gone completely away yet.

I found my way back home

I have never been a fugitive from the law before, I think I am a pimple on the butt of mankind right now.

HOWEVER dammit something has got to give, I do feel really close to giving in to a big crying fit.

Till Wednesday

I got 48 hours to come up with 144.00 or they take the car. Such a small amount, but I don't have it.
Suddenly my quick source of money becomes a loan shark.
I am in so much distress that I have become numb. I am putting in 48 hour weeks, and going to classes, I don't see much relief in sight.
I wanted to give Steven the boot too. Couldn't do it when I looked into his sad blue eyes. Coulda woulda shoulda, story of my life lately.
I hit a wall this semester, everything seems to be going down hill fast. At least... a big at least, I know the source of my depression is probably not clinical, it is probably what I suspected all along, "MY LIFE REALLY IS SHIT"!
WELL, it is.
This isn't the time to tell me to count my blessings.
Rent, bills, power, have not been paid, and I don't see how they are going to be either.
More excuses.. but I am pedaling as fast as I can, and I am not succeeding at getting anywhere, am I?

Located

Carefully hidden under some papers on my desk. I believe to make it look like I had put it there... hmmmmm

WHY IS MY Squirt Gun Missing!?

I had a good way to keep the cat off the computer. I went to the dollar store and bought a squirt gun. Now the weapon is missing!
There are three likely suspects.

One

The cat, he has every reason to benefit from this theft.
TWO

The boy.. he thinks what is mine is his.
THREE

THE DOG...
he has a lot of hidden resentment. Oh he pretends to be the loving family pet, but I wonder..
I will get back to you on this.

Fun with Snails Blog

Very Funny Blog, just happens to by my oldest daughters blog.