Skating away on the thin ice of a new day

So he holds me tight and kisses me on the nose and tells me he doesn't want anymore stolen moments, he wants to take time to make love to me properly, and he is sorry he cannot spend the night as he had originally said.
I AM QUITE DAFT

Remember Me

One up on ya S.
I told him, I go where I get attention, it is my nature. He may find out yet.
He told his wife. He was forced to, I think he is a dink, why do I still have feelings? Dr. Armen says, I am too smart for S.
SURE showing signs of that, HUH??? snicker snicker

All things considered

It was a very nice birthday. The youngest's husband had to leave at five, because there was a TV show he couldn't miss at 8:00pm. So we waited patiently for them to leave, and then we had pie.

The day of lament

I am not scheduled to work this week, my phone is shut off, and I am not going to be able to get caught up on rent.
I called Securitas on my borrowed phone. I got a job for Thursday, an 8PM to 8AM gig, you know those that make me want to throw myself off a cliff kind of gig. I told the work scheduler I would work any thing. So any thing is what I get. I shall not bitch too much. I have to work I cannot see anyway out of debt, but pure honest work.
I get to meet up with the fantastic T again... gawd that man has the humor of a rock.. THOUGH there are those people who have actually seen him smile. I think probably because he was going to fire someone.
I would like to see his little empire fall, but his TYPE never learns to be kind, and never learns to be generous, and lastly, never learns that what is on the outside is not a sign of what is on the inside. Superficial slut, is our Fantastic T.

Milestones? or is it head stones

tomorrow the Goddess turns fifty.
YEAH I am bothered, its all starting to fall in on me.
I have disliked every milestone. Twenty meant teen years were over.
Thirty meant another marker of age,I could not turn back time, I could not make my little girls babies again. Forty was kind of cool, I had a baby boy to mark time with. Fifty is one big jump, and once again I cannot turn back time.

Dance of Ages

I am the dance of ages...
I cannot find the lyrics to it, but I love the song. You can hear it on my space if you are interested. It's by Argent.
I like it because it is done to a heart beat, and it cresendos into an orgasm. The background has a storm brewing, and as ever Rod Argent's vocals are so emotion filled.
All these years and I have never made love to that song. I think it's time.

why does doing the right thing feel like crap?

He didn't even remember our date. He acted annoyed when I asked him where he was. I was so mad that I couldn't talk to him. What was this;the 555th time he shined me on? So after my visit with Armentrout I really weighed the right and wrong things about this relationship. I dumped him by e-mail. I expect he deserves no more than that. The worse part is he hasn't even responded to me. It is like I never existed for him, and perhaps that was the problem all along. I should be proud for having the strength to tell him goodbye, but instead I know how much I will miss his quick wit and sweet smile, sigh... and those gorgeous blue eyes.

they will get you everytime

I had an enjoyable morning with my oldest daughter and grand daughter #3. I came home and took a nap, the landscapers came and mowed the lawn and blew grass through the window, and sprayed water on my computer, so I got up and closed windows.
IT was supposed to be the morning with Steven... something came up, what a surprise. I am getting a life without him.
Meanwhile my clean couch cover that I washed is spotted with grass and god knows what else. I hung it outside...sigh.
OH and my grades were nothing to brag about. All C's one B, it could have been much worse, I told you I hit the wall this semester. SIGH no big rewards for me.

Good and Bad

Good; les schwab fixes my flat tire
bad; I need five hundred dollars in struts
Good; Wal mart takes back the bad mouse and I purchase a new one.
Bad; you need a mouse to install the software
Good; I don't have to work tonight
Bad; I drive fifty miles to find out
Double bad; I need the money
Good; David is going to pay child support
Bad; he sent the papers to me, which means I have to make a trip to Boise to turn them in *fifty miles*

Boys are so sweet

Mother's day

Everyone that knows me well, knows that I have a certain fondness for halloween. I was denied it for so many years because of my religious affiliation. NOW throwing caution to the wind, I collect halloween things. I had a ceramic Jack'o'lantern that someone made for me, and I loved it. I broke it cleaning the house one day.
I was feeling kind of bad and I said, "Oh well, nothing is safe when I clean house." Daine expressed sympathy and nothing else was ever said.
HE made me one in school for mother's day, isn't that the most thoughtful thing?
I can only imagine him explaining to his teacher that he had to make a halloween ornament for his mother on mother's day... sigh, she already thinks I am not playing with a full deck.

It never remembers me anyway

Last final was tonight.
I celebrated with a 81 cent TV dinner and a glass of home brewed ice tea. YAY living fancy here!

who gave out my number?

SOOO aparently after ten years, the state of Idaho caught up with the father and demanded child support.
Dee called to let me in on the happy news. I told her that I didn't know where they lived so Idaho found them on it's own, I didnt want their money. I didnt want them to try and have 'rights' where my son is conserned.
Dalen said, "lets not fight about that now,its good that I can pay child support." Dee piped up with,"WE tried before but you wouldn't let us." I said "you tried to take Daine." I don't need this shit.

why did I buy all that chocolate?

I got both stories written and all my assignments turned in before nine oclock tonight... THREE HOURS to spare. SO I don't care if I write ever again.
I will wonder why if I don't get a good grade, I put in obvious effort.
SIGH But I am not the teachers pet, in fact I suspect I am the least favorite in his class.

Dressed in White

Short story



White, everything was white. Soft fluffy towels, washcloths, the little bits of soap in white packets, the crisp linens, and the carts carrying the supplies were also white.
We were in jeans topped with white smocks and wearing white caps on our unkempt hair. My friends said no one was as white as I was. I was embarrassed because I never got the California tan that the other girls had and remained white all summer long.
It was 1976; I was 19 years old and I had my first real job. But I also had other plans. I was going to Montana to marry my Childhood sweetheart. My future seemed cut out for me.
The maids of the Pier Pont Inn were drinking cokes in hotel glasses filled with ice and swinging on the porch swing, out on the veranda that faced the ocean. I can hear the click of the ice, the slosh of the liquid, and the pop and snap of the chains of the porch swing.
I loved these girls; they were my co-workers and my dearest friends. This was my send off party, and we have all squeezed onto the swing one last time together to talk about life and listen to the creak of the strained swing together.
The swing creaked, the ice clinked, and the girls laughed and joked. I felt at the time, set apart, as if I was watching from far away. The scene would never be repeated again. Tomorrow I would take a plane from L. A. and land in Missoula, Montana for the next chapter of my life.
Earlier, I had been pushing the white cart up the steep hallway, trying to maneuver while I watched the ocean. Many of the rooms faced the sea and have covered porches protecting them from wind and rain. Pushing the loaded cart up the steep walkway, which I had done so often, would not be missed. It was the last room on the list before the next chapter in my life, I thought, as I began doing my work. Wipe down the bathroom, fresh towels, and fresh linens, remove the trash and vacuum. It was methodical, like an assembly line. Just then the girls popped up behind me and said,
“Join us on the sea veranda, bring your cart, we want to say goodbye to you.
So here we were talking and clicking our glasses together, celebrating our friendships and saying goodbye. It just seemed wrong somehow. I didn’t really want to go; I knew I was giving up my will by going to Montana and the friendships I had. Nevertheless, working at the Pierpont Inn for minimum wage, and trying to save for Los Angeles Baptist College was taking too long and I had lost focus on my goal, to sing. I had forgotten the invitation to join in the college’s vocal group and it was a matter of survival now, and it wasn’t much fun anymore. Moving to Montana was an easy way out, marry, raise children, go to church, be a good woman and never worry about trying to compete in the real world. I was only nineteen, what did I know; it just seemed like the right thing to do, the easiest thing to do.
A stiff breeze blew up from the sea, and being February in Ventura, it was springtime. The trees were filled with white blossoms and the promise of warmer weather on the way. The wind made the blossoms fall off the trees until it looked a lot like a snowstorm in Montana and some of them blew into our coke glasses.
Daniel the gardener was walking towards us. He was trying very hard not to look at me, we had a mutual crush going, but I was moving to Montana and that was that.
“What are you women doing here? It’s against the rules to use the guest’s swing you know.”
One of the girls piped up,
“We are giving a send off party, either join us and shut up or leave, those are your choices.”
“It is for you isn’t it?” Daniel was looking right at me, and I could feel my cheeks getting hot.
I nodded overcome with bashfulness; it was always that way for me. I had quite a sharp wit unless someone talked to me, then my tongue folded up and I could not speak aloud.
“Old Lady at twelve o’clock!” one of the girls shouted. This was the cue to clean up our mess and get out of there quick. The hotel owner Mrs. Pierpont was ninety years old and would fire us on spot, if she caught us drinking cokes, and swinging on the porch swing. She didn’t like her employees fraternizing during working hours and swinging on the guests swing was a means of dismissal.
I turned to look at them, but they were already carrying glasses and heading toward the kitchen. It was only Daniel and I left standing there. I started pushing my cart and nearly tipped the whole thing over when the wheel caught on a hole in the cement walk way. I was trying so desperately to get out of there and not be alone with Daniel or look at him I was not paying attention to the cart that was teetering dangerously, when Daniel reached out to set it right.
“You would have had smashed glasses to clean up too, better pay attention.”
“I am paying attention.” I said and I felt irritated because the clever words I thought of would never exit my mouth, I would remain tongue tied in Daniel’s presence from here until eternity, and I wanted to talk, I really did.
“Could you at least look at me?” he asked, and I shook my head in the negative, I could not bring myself to look him in the eye. He had caught me many times looking at him when I thought it was safe.
I remember his smell and the way the light sweat clung to his neck. He had been working hard out in the rose bed again. He took great pride in Mrs. Pierpont’s rose bed. If I raised my eyes he would be looking at me, I felt my face get hot I sighed and looked up.
“That’s better” Daniel said, “Was that so hard?” All I could do was shake my head in the negative like a ninny.
“Looks like a piece of the wheel chipped off when you hit that hole”, he said.
“Shit” I said before I could stop the outburst. Blushing even redder then imaginable.
“Ahhh she is human and not an angel.” Daniel laughed at me. My name was Angel and I endured many jokes on that subject.
It has nothing to do with being human and all to do with how I would feel confronting our boss about the mishap. Daniel noticed my distress and offered,
“I have an extra wheel in the shed, it would take me about five minutes to fix it, quit looking so upset, I can do this, I am handi-man and gardener extraordinaire, ok?”
I watched him with hope and suspicion would this cost me later? Oh what could I worry about I was taking the early morning flight to Montana I couldn’t be much safer. Then it dawned on me all those years ago, I was looking for safe, and I was not the kind of girl who would be happy with safe. I was shy, but I had a wild rebellious streak, and moving to Montana and Marrying Michael might make us all miserable. I wish I had given it more thought before making such a big decision. What a time for cold feet I thought. I always tried to keep my promises but would I be doing Michael a favor if I eased off and asked for more time? He was in a big hurry for me to come home; he said I was changing too much. He said he could tell when we spoke on the telephone. I talked about all my new friends and what we were doing each evening, and it worried him.
The question to be asked; what was running from dreams and what was running to them? Should I struggle to save for tuition to LABC, or should I swallow my ambition and move back to Montana? I did love Michael, didn’t I? We had so much past together. Neighbors since childhood, he was my hero and I was his little angel. Had I outgrown him and not noticed? I was running out of time. I was running out of time on the time clock too, I had better finish up.
Daniel stared at me a moment then turned to get the wheel from the shed. I licked my dry lips and turned into the last room on my list.
Wipe down the bathroom, fresh towels, and fresh linens, remove the trash and vacuum. I had said this in my mind a hundred times over. I was thinking about Daniel now as I worked. Why was I so nervous whenever he was near me? I was calm around Michael, calm and comfortable. With Daniel, my heart pounded and my cheeks flamed. I barely knew him, why did it have to be so hard?
The hum of the vacuum drowned out Daniel’s hello, or maybe my mind was wandering far away, suddenly there he was looking at me.
“I said hello when I came in but I guess you didn’t hear me” Now it was his turn to look sheepish as he held something behind his back. Slowly he pulled them from behind him I saw an armload of Mrs. Pierpont’s Roses. Instant dismissal I thought.
“Worth the chance” he laughed reading my mind.
“Are you about finished here.”
I nodded; though I was a timid girl, I was beginning to feel more comfortable in his presence. I think that even then Daniel had it in his mind to persuade me to stay in California a little while longer, though I suspected nothing at the time. I was too naïve and trusting even for the average nineteen year old. In that moment, I realized that Daniel liked me. I was too shy and nervous to see the signs before. The smiles and waves from afar and how he always showed up where ever I was working. He always was so smooth in his manner but a closer look told me that he was almost as nervous as I was. “I have something else for you too.” He said searching for words. “Its not here, I have to take you to it. Would that be alright?”
“I have to turn my things in and I can meet you in thirty minutes.” I said
I remember feeling adventurous I was game for anything that came along. This was my last day of work, last night in a town I loved and the last time I would see Daniel. I wondered what he would show me I wondered as I walked to the parking lot, but I was not afraid
“Over here.” I remember him saying standing next to a motorcycle, holding a helmet in his hand. “Put this on and let’s go, we’re taking a ride.” I have committed to memory the ride as I held on. The cool breeze hitting my face as I tried to shield myself behind him. The roar of the engine and the sound of the wind and the scenery that’s still gorgeous along route 101 to Las Positas Park. Is this where we were going, I wondered? I had heard about this place but never had the chance to visit it. Located in the mountains the view was supposed to be spectacular.
“Almost there.” He yelled over the sound of engine and wind. Within minutes we turned into the park. I was overwhelmed by sight and sound and wondering what I had myself into, but immediately shrugging off any worries. Today would take care of itself I thought.
He pulled the bike off the road and stopped. Daniel reached out to hold my hand.
“I have wanted to bring you here for a long time,” he said as we walked up a dirt road. “Now close your eyes and I’ll guide you. Keep your eyes closed.”
A million things were running through my mind. I was not afraid I was excited, I thought I knew where he was bringing me, but I wasn’t positive. When we began stepping down steps, I knew.
I could actually hear my heart beating as I opened my eyes to see where I stood. The view was incredible I stood in an amphitheater that was carved out of the mountain. Daniel leaned forward and kissed my ear. I looked around me my heart beating fast. We were at the bottom of a stone bowl. All around us were steps going up into the sky, just like an amphitheatre of Roman times. I could only look up. Above was the sea, and it seemed likely to spill into the bowl. How could men think to build such and amazing thing?
“I know you like to sing and thought you might like singing here,” he said with a wide grin on his face.
I had always dreamed about singing in an amphitheater someday, in front of hundreds of people. Even though there were just a few people walking around at the top, to stand there, looking up, gave me butterflies in my stomach.
I opened my mouth to sing, a squeak came out, and the sound carried. I was mortified. This is nothing, I can do this, I opened my mouth to sing again, this time clear light notes floated over the air. I thought the breeze carried them out to sea.
“Lay me down and roll me out to sea, lay me down, roll me out to sea, waiting for a mighty wave to comfort me…” I knew it sounded good as I continued into the song, a song I loved since I was a young teenager not too long ago.
A few people began to gather at the top of the bowl, and watch me. I was hoping they would leave, but the more involved I was with the song the less I worried about being heard, it occurred to me I was meant to be heard, I was meant to sing. Daniel stepped away from me and began walking up the steps. I sang from my heart, the notes getting richer as my confidence grew, and my shyness melted away. There were birds calling in the distance and they only added to the song about lost love and longing.
Next afternoon, spring and blossoms changed to fog and Montana snow. The plane circled the runway several times visibility was at a minimum.
I am afraid I cannot go back into time and change the decisions I made. I did what I thought was right, but I often wonder about a cool breezy afternoon in Ventura California and if Daniel had not walked away, if he had only stayed and sang the song with me. Where would I be now?

Turning Fifty

There are those of you who think I am being a wimp. BUT... I thought by fifty I would realized who I am. I would be in a great relationship, own a home, garden all day, play with my grand babies.
INSTEAD I feel less sure of anything except short on rent again.
I am waiting for a sonnet dedicated to my beauty, and a love poem written about my many charms.
TODAY for the Mother/Son bonding event we made an effort to groom the Cocker Spaniel. He still loves us, and forgives quickely.
The shaver I bought barely moved the fur.. what the hell? Son thinks it was a momentuous event, but I still have to clean up the fur I managed to get off of parts of him.
I work four Pm till Midnight tonight. Daine goes to a barbecue with his sister and family... I WORK...I grouse.
I don't want to work, and yet I need to work more hours, I NEED someone to pay my rent before I end up living in the kids garage.
OK, but the sun is shining the air is mild and it is beautiful in Nampa Idaho today, and I am free of relationships that suck the air out of my lungs, and I have two pets I love dearly and and and.. its going to be ok, I just know it.

lemon chicken

SO I made lemon chicken with wild rice and white rice. Wild rice takes an hour to cook, white rice takes thirty minutes. Dilemna. I cook them together and I end up with soggy white rice and chewey wild rice. hmmm not bad especially since I drank the last of the chianti... only one cup, but I am such a light weight.
The lemon sause I made with corn starch sugar and lemon juice, man it was good, slather the cooked chicken breasts and cook till tender, eat the gooey mess with more chianti... I see no reason not to enjoy it.
The viking liked it, he ate a huge plate and informed me the rice passed. I thought he meant it was passable, but Passed means a good grade like I am not going to get in ENGLISH. I re fuckin Wrote the 28 assignments. I stared at the other writing assignments. IT TOOK ME ALL DAY, I have no energy for anything but cooking lemon chicken and watching the rain soak my laundry that I hung outside... interesting.
I really need to get laid.

Bald Headed little wart

Dedicated to the anal retentive "my way or the highway" professors out there... BITE ME! hope you break your teeth off too.
It was the last class in Fiction class last night, and I got pulled aside.
Seems my 28 assignments and two short stories are not up to standard and must be re-done.
I am going to do it too, I want a decent grade from that wacko.
I just smiled and agreed with him, I was so put out, I couldn't think of anything else to do.
The one story I agree because I had help in writing it, and that bothered him. I told him I had help, but sometimes I should just shut my big mouth I am my own worst enemy.
AND That stupid cow in my class said to me, "How are you doing?" I said I have some finals coming up, but I am not going to sweat them because I Figure I know what I know and its too late to worry about it." She said, "YOU SHOULD NOT BE SO NEGATIVE." I said, "That's not negative, I said I wasn't sweating them."
HOW THE HELL is a person supposed to talk around here? JEEEZ. She offered cookies and I didn't take one, I was feeling like a feral dog after that class last night. I am not perfect we have established that, but I felt so picked on, and in case I was wrong, I thought I better keep my mouth shut, it could be hormones. HOWEVER I never liked that cow anyway.
SHE always says the same thing about every one's fiction writing.
She is of the opinion that what she says is of great importance.
COW.

The Queen of Denial

I am not as quirky as people say.

OOH could you bitch a little more?

I ache, I am tired, and I haven't any money.. How is that?
IF I didn't have stupid class tonight, and study group before that, I would put the rest of the Vino away I would TOO!!

James' Other Plans

WEll I was going to get something accomplished today, but it seems James has other plans for me.

TOO Bad Mr. Excuse man

Freekin alone in Nampa again. Promises Promises, thats all I ever get.
What does he get? A big fat nothing.

Depressants and Movies

Do you know by Sunday I will have worked twelve days straight?

Certainly that explains the burn out feeling I have lately, or part of it.

I have drug class tonight, and Need to have more information for my notebook on Depressants.

I need to watch the movies “Trainspotters” and “requiem for a dream” for extra credit, also I am still supposed to go to two AA meetings which I never found the time for.

Last night I sat on the couch with my pets and watched TV, I haven’t done that for a long time.

I slept good except for the nightmares again.

I shouldn’t watch “Medium” before bed, its always scary.

Earth Day is every day

Earth Day Eggs
by Amanda Formaro

Celebrate Planet Earth with these cool colored eggs. Who says coloring eggs is just for Easter? Each egg creation is unique from the other, no planet looks the same! A fun way to discuss Earth Day and its importance.

You will need

hard boiled eggs
blue, green and yellow food coloring
vegetable oil
white vinegar
water
coffee mugs or other containers
3 spoons
paper towels
newspaper or a plastic disposable tablecloth
What you do

Put one tablespoon of oil and one tablespoon of vinegar in each coffee mug. In one mug, add a teaspoon of blue food coloring. In another add a teaspoon of green, and in the third add a teaspoon of yellow. Add water to each cup to make them 3/4 full. This allows room for adding the egg so that it will not overflow.

Cover work surface with tablecloth or newspaper. Lay out some paper towels to lay wet eggs on to dry. Place a spoon in each mug of food coloring mixture.

Hold egg in one hand at the ready. Choose a color, then stir the mixture with the spoon to create a whirlpool type motion. Once swirling, quickly lift the spoon out of the mixture and place the egg on the spoon. Dip immediately into the mixture, holding in the mixture for only a few seconds, then remove. Place on a paper towel. Repeat this process for each egg.

Once all eggs have been dipped in the blue mixture, move on to the green. Start with the egg you did first and repeat the process as above with green mixture. Again, lay on paper towels until done with all eggs.

At this point, you may choose to add more green or blue to individual eggs depending on how they look. Repeat with yellow if you desire. We did yellow on some but not all.

Carefully dry all eggs with paper towels, the oil makes them slippery! The oil will also give them a nice shiny coating.

Earth Day Eggs

I have been such a depressed turd lately, I try to go through the motions with Daine that everything is ok.
He is depressed, so I think he is picking up on my mood. How terrible to be only nine years old and depressed.
I faked it today, we made earth day eggs, and I managed to smile.
He said, "This is what we need to do more of Mom." Meaning things together, and I told him, its time mostly I am either working or going to classes, but I know it will get better, and he said, he thought so too.
GADS I hope so, I am really at my limit.

Guido doesn't work here anymore

Idaho Title and loan left an ugly message on my cell phone. From a Theresa that I have never spoken to before. I had dreaded listening to the message all day. After I steeled my nerve and listened, it was almost laughable. There is something about people threatening me and promising me more misery when I am up to my ears that brings me great joy... OK I know I am sick.
So I happily called the company and asked for Theresa. She came on the phone with guns blazing. I listened, then I told her that Surprisingly I really didn't have the money they requested, and I would be very happy to pay it, because that is how I roll, however I did need to pay rent and there wasn't anything left. (I even stiffed rent by 100.00 so little was my fucking paycheck.) I asked them, were they going to send out Guido to get my car? because if that was what they wanted to do, I wasn't going to make it easy on them, and I was going to pay other bills first. Suddenly her tone changed and they were more then happy to let me make a late payment, JUST THIS ONE TIME, since I was such a great customer and all. You know? I wanted to say, "Screw you Theresa, but I refrained and held on to what little dignity I had left.
I feel a little better, but the rock in my stomach hasn't gone completely away yet.

I found my way back home

I have never been a fugitive from the law before, I think I am a pimple on the butt of mankind right now.

HOWEVER dammit something has got to give, I do feel really close to giving in to a big crying fit.

Till Wednesday

I got 48 hours to come up with 144.00 or they take the car. Such a small amount, but I don't have it.
Suddenly my quick source of money becomes a loan shark.
I am in so much distress that I have become numb. I am putting in 48 hour weeks, and going to classes, I don't see much relief in sight.
I wanted to give Steven the boot too. Couldn't do it when I looked into his sad blue eyes. Coulda woulda shoulda, story of my life lately.
I hit a wall this semester, everything seems to be going down hill fast. At least... a big at least, I know the source of my depression is probably not clinical, it is probably what I suspected all along, "MY LIFE REALLY IS SHIT"!
WELL, it is.
This isn't the time to tell me to count my blessings.
Rent, bills, power, have not been paid, and I don't see how they are going to be either.
More excuses.. but I am pedaling as fast as I can, and I am not succeeding at getting anywhere, am I?

Located

Carefully hidden under some papers on my desk. I believe to make it look like I had put it there... hmmmmm

WHY IS MY Squirt Gun Missing!?

I had a good way to keep the cat off the computer. I went to the dollar store and bought a squirt gun. Now the weapon is missing!
There are three likely suspects.

One

The cat, he has every reason to benefit from this theft.
TWO

The boy.. he thinks what is mine is his.
THREE

THE DOG...
he has a lot of hidden resentment. Oh he pretends to be the loving family pet, but I wonder..
I will get back to you on this.

Fun with Snails Blog

Very Funny Blog, just happens to by my oldest daughters blog.

Justin Hayward

Needy Cat

He shuts down my computer on a regular basis.

Enigmatic

There is very little I can do, and I am avoiding calling people to tell them I am a dead beat. I don't want to talk to anyone.
I talked to Armen today, I felt better. I always do, he said there might be a way out, but I know that those rarely materialize.
Hatch put gas in my tank, I can make it to school tonight, and work on Saturday and Sunday. YAY!!

all reasons

He was in the hospital working on a heart attack. I had a feeling about that.
However our relationship is so fragile right now, anything could send it toppling down.
I want so much more, he has no more.

From William to Glena

I reach out to grab her hand

and pull her back to reality.

She has believed in someone but is being deceived and used,

but she is listening to her heart and not her head.

All those promises and lost moments of love,

has made her sink into obscurity.

Will she look up and see my hand?

Will she see me smiling at her, wanting to hug her

to laugh with her and to kiss her?

Can life be that simple as to close your heart to one and open it to another?

Or am I stupid for thinking of the possibilities of being happy with someone

that may not have closed her heart to another?

Morning Morning

I woke up at four, nothing to do but get out of bed, dress and clean house.

I walked the ungrateful dog, and of course petted James.

You cannot avoid petting James.

Were you to call me last night, or am I mistaken?

I got out of class at six thirty, contemplated going out to relieve some need for adult company, changed my mind, and came home instead.

Drank half the bottle of wine we were to share. I am feeling lost and abandoned, but I know the way out of this maze. I know the way.

I will hate that I wrote this later

How many more evenings alone will tell me that this isn't the right way to go?
Alone, drinking the bottle of wine we were supposed to share to celebrate my new apartment.
He won't drink with me, he is secretive, for her or for me, I don't know, possible both of us.
Thought it was love, maybe just indigestion? After a passionate half an hour he looked deep into my eyes and said, "your fun".
WOW.
No words of love were spoken.
I know what the mirror of disaproval says, I know what people would think... I do not know what is truth and what is what I want to believe.
AM I stupid?

James

Lying on my keyboard so I cannot type. Sitting on Daine's coloring poster so he cannot color. This is a loving annoying cat. We really enjoy his antics.

Phantom James

Well, Raphael didn't work out. Thank goodness for Carole and thank goodness for Freecycle. Carole found a home for the pissing cat (Raphael)A farmer who wanted an outdoor cat. Bingo!
--Freecycle had a cat named Phantom James who needed a home. I took them a bag of catnip (grown by Carole) in exchange.
The phantom is checking out his new surroundings as we speak, and Sherman is being annoying as usual.

Sherman and his temper

Sherman had a temper tantrum. If packages arrive, or I buy groceries, he goes through them to find a dog present. If there is no dog present, he will take what he thinks is equivalent.
Daine got a coat in the mail, there was nothing for Sherman, while I was in the bath Daine left the package on the floor. Sherman shredded the package looking for something for himself. There was nothing, so he tore up the stamps and package, but he left the coat alone, sometimes even Sherman has limits on how naughty he will be.
I made Daine clean up the mess when I got out of the bath tub.
I still think Sherman is the smartest dog I ever met, that’s what makes him so difficult at times.
Glena squeaky clean.

Dreadfuls

I have the dreadfuls, and I cannot shake them. Over work, over relationship, over myself.
I need to call someone and talk myself down from the ledge, but there is no one to call. Armen is out of town, but even so, I would never never deem it so important of me to call him when I do not have a session.
Damn! All the times I have talked to him and not had any issues, and I am hit full in the face with the dreadfuls when there is no one to talk to.
Dreadfuls are brown and mucky like sludge. They stink, and they overwhelm, and they make me think of ending it all, sometimes I know what sets them off, other times like now, I am not sure, and I don't want to assess or analyze anything, I don't want to deal with this. I am hurt like a truck ran me over, and I have no apparent reason for it. NO one has said anything hurtful to me, and I have not said anything hurtful either. I have been in tight control of my jealousy, pettiness, envy, and hate, but now its like I am no longer in control, and they have swept me along. Walking in the sludge is no easy task. I don't know what to do, they were coming on yesterday, so I cleaned House, and I painted a bird house and some rocks, and I became all kinds of creative, and now I don't want to paint rocks, and I don't want to clean. I gave the cat away to a farmer. The cat pissed in the house all over the place, I cleaned up a lot of it, but the white carpet in the living room was the last straw. Sherman and Daine are a bit mad and upset. I will get a cat from the pound this time, one that has its shots and is neutered. I am sorry, and I miss the cat too, but he is better off as an outside cat. Maybe this brought on the dreadfuls?
Or maybe the college denying me more funds, I was counting on getting caught up on bills, now I cannot. I am overdrawn, and I don't get paid for over a week, and they keep mounting the charges with no forgiveness, I will never win, I will never pay my power, rent and cable for the computer. WE have so very little to keep down expenses, and still I cannot pay for it all. Maybe this brought on the dreadfuls? OR maybe all the extra hours I have been working to try and get caught up, and the puny paycheck that came with all those hours... HELL, maybe I have a good reason for the dreadfuls. Fuck it.

Moodies_Fan Moody Blues Place

Moodies_Fan Moody Blues Place

Moody Blues -Gypsy-

Glena's space

one foot in, the other foot out

Half way is not better then no way. It would be easier to not be connected with someone then constantly being 'she who waits' I have been here before. Am I taken? do I belong? I don't feel it, I feel alone, more alone then before him.
I know I will accept this a little while longer, then lunge forward in a quick move that will surprise me and him, but it will happen. I feel taken for granted, and once that feeling sets in, it would take a major event to get rid of it. I know what Dr. Armen and Turner think, and I watch them carefully arrange their expressions, and say, "HOW do you feel about this?" I say, "why do you even ask? You know it sux, and you know its temporary, I will only be miserable as long as I allow myself to be." Each in turn nods sagaciously, and I think... how much does this cost the state to have these two gentlemen agree with me? snicker snicker.
---I turn fifty in May, something will happen by then I think. I am going out to celebrate turning "half a century", I want to dance while my knees still hold out, I want to sing, I want to love being alive.
Maybe I will go to Oregon for my birthday, I know my friends would show me a great time.
Maybe too good a time!
I will feel loved and cared for instead of at the bottom of the list, that is for certain.
HE; Mr. Wolfy means well, but nothing seems to come to fruition, and I am a now kind of person. I never asked God for patience, because I know what I would get.
I don't want patience, I want things NOW.
I suppose that if He doesn't do anything nice for my birthdsay, I can count on how it will be for the rest of our time together. I have to be worshiped, or at the very least respected by my lover. Starts out me the terrified one, but I think once I started petting and feeding this wolf, he turned into a Labrador puppy, and has lost his scary edge, good and bad.
I don't like being terrified, but I dislike being bored even more. Watch out Wolfy, your day is about done.

NO SIR< I don't like it

I don't like it one bit. 12 hours of watching a construction site 40 miles from my home. I was filled with dread when I was driving there this morning, I saw the signs for Oregon looming up ahead, and I knew I had gone the wrong way. I wondered how I was going to fix the mess I was getting into. Steven called me on the cell phone and told me it was the right way, and I felt much better.


HOWEVER, its an awful gig. I have to remember the money, and remember it is only till MAY, at which time I will wonder what I am going to do for work again.
MAN I whine a lot. I just want to go to school and not work at all, ok? and I want lots of money to spend, funny how it doesn't work out quite like that.

Dramatica (Orgy) Its a band ok???

It has been a collision course into Dramatica these last two days, if I were to tell the tale, it would sound like sarcastic humor.
Last night I had the rice that would not cook, while I was standing in the kitchen staring at the pan daring it to remain hard, I looked up to see the cd rack fall over in slow motion. Five hundred cd's being spread with precision over the living room carpet. The screw was still stuck in the rack. That sucked. The UTI I have been fighting was bad, and I hurt, I wanted to stay home and skip going to drug class. I went, it got worse, I had to leave early, the fun part was telling the ex cop why I had to leave. (can't say, "MY PEE PEE HURTS!") Anyway, Daine and I had a talk about his challenged hygiene and came up with a solution we can both live with, or else I take him to Dr.Holinhishead. He agreed to work on them again.
We watched Labyrinth for the umpteenth time and loved each others
company. I think we beat David Bowie to most of the good lines. I realized I had been watching that stupid movie for about twenty years now.
Health and Welfare called last night and got threatening. I was to drive fifty miles and get all the paperwork on the non existent Dad delivered. DAMMIT, nothing has changed, I don't know where he is , I don't want to know, and the man is ill, they should leave him alone. Talk about the government beating on a dead horse. THEY would, and require a form to fill out that the horse was indeed dead.
I turned it in, the woman helping me, was laughing her butt off. (WHAT DID I SAY?) she said I had made her day. That's nice considering I am having such a lousy one. On the way in a semi was laying on its back wheels up, that is a strange sight, one I don't want to see again too soon, I am hoping no one was killed.
Took me a long time to get to Boise, I would have liked to stay and shop, but I had to hurry back to Meridian, because Steve wanted to have my oil changed on my car. Steve got busy, as SO FUCKING USUAL and I had to drive on home to Nampa.
He cannot be there for me, all his best plans are thwarted by something, and I am tired of being emotionally empty and discarded.
Consider I have had three date offers this week, that I turned down, all for what? because I am not single? I am not? Really!
OH well, usually jerks ask me out, men who want something for nothing and don't like putting a little effort into anything. I like men too, just the nice ones don't ask me out.

Reefer Madness

A long time ago, media was a new thing, and people were easily swayed by what they were told.
Seeing something in print or watching it on a reel to reel, seemed to make it all the more believable.
In our time it is hard to believe that someone would really accept the propaganda being dished out in Reefer Madness, but many people did.
What we begin to realize after a bit of watching, this was not put out as an educational film.
It was against the law to show drug use or anything pertaining to immoral acts. This being purported as a warning, turns out to be merely exploitive; in order to get around the strict laws in the 1930’s and make a quick buck.

http://www.archive.org/details/reefer_madness1938

Considered THE archetypal sensationalized anti-drug movie, but it's really an exploitation film made to capitalize on the hot taboo subject of marijuana use. Like many exploitation films of the time, "Reefer Madness" tried to make a quick buck off of a forbidden subject while skirting the Motion Picture Production Code of 1930. The Code forbade the portrayal of immoral acts like drug use. (The illegal drug traffic must not be portrayed in such a way as to stimulate curiosity concerning the use of, or traffic in, such drugs; nor shall scenes be approved which show the use of illegal drugs, or their effects, in detail.)

There are many shocking scenes that made it through the sensors. When our apartment owner sans drug seller slowly slides her delicate nylons over her long thighs, we know we are not watching a drug educational film. We know we are being duped.
Not only is it an unpleasant movie, but boring too. Too much emphasis put on the lack of moral character of the pot smokers. One of the quotes from this movie states that Marijuana is worse then heroin. After I stuck it out through the one hour and eight minutes of horror, I felt irritable, missing time, and restless, many of the symptoms reported by the pot smokers in this light hearted film.
I am in no way a supporter of the wonders of pot, in fact, I don’t think it has much use at all, it is only a guess that it might be a pain reliever and its only main characteristic is it keeps people from barfing, which would be useful for chemotherapy patients. If people have cancer I think they should be able to eat, drink, and smoke whatever they want. For everyone else, grow up. Pot is harmful.
However after watching the movie, I would be so mad that I would want pot made legal.
Most of us don’t like being played. That is what this movie tries to do; it wants us to believe that it is based on facts from police archives without naming any true news sources. It runs a bit like an urban legend, only more annoying.
In conclusion, possibly the only thing this movie can claim is it must have stood the test of time for entertainment value, only I don’t know how, for it is a poor story plot and very bad acting.
Finish

Banana Muffins

Sherman the Cocker Spaniel, did not get a banana muffin.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Last night the cat ran away, but I caught him, in the excitement, I lost the keys.
Fortunately I made a set of house keys for everyone last night, and I had a hidden car key.
I have not found my keys yet.
Today I knew how much money I had for food, and was trying to spend it accordingly.
All hell broke loose, a manager had to re do the whole food order, and I was feeling kinda down.
He was so kind and understanding that I felt better. I was on the verge of tears, and blushing profusely.
When I got home, Sherman decided that I do not get enough exercise so he took off. I chased him all over the complex with the bags of groceries sitting neatly on my porch.
EVENTUALLY he decided I was out of breath and he would come home.
I am making banana muffins in a few minutes and he is NOT getting one. Stupid dog.

Morning

I am tired, not much sleep, and three A M Cheesecake. Steven came for a visit.
I missed him, seems like forever since we talked.

Three in the morning and cheesecake

Something woke me up. I have cheese cake on the brain, SO I ate it.

Ahh Mamma

I wished you were here. I miss you right now, this moment. mom things have been so bad, gone so wrong, and now that I think I got a handle on it, I want to see you.
I am fifty in May, you died at fifty two. This creeps me out a bit. I am not superstitious about that, just thinking how young you were. So young, I am sorry for all the years you suffered, and I am thankful that I was there for you, I loved you then and I love you now.
NOW Mommy I am doing things I never would have done a few years ago, my integrity has fallen by the wayside, and I don't know if it will ever be right, I could show him to you, I could tell you all about him, you would like him, though you would not approve.
Poverty has been a major part of my life for the last eleven years. Divorce from Michael who you loved and the birth of a new son, another beautiful child of mine that you would never see. You missed all my children and now my grandchildren. You should have stayed around longer. Do you know that Leah is still around? I think she lost her mind, they all seem to do that in her family. Kinda Karma ain't it?
Shit, I sit here crying thinking about you, I need to think on other things. I wish you would pay me a visit. When you left the earth so sudden I thought you would haunt me but I never saw you again, only in your casket, and I knew you were not there.
I think you whispered in Janelle's ear when she was born, that's all I have from you.
You would adore that child, she is such a bright spirit, just like you were. She could charm a bird from a tree just like you, but she does not know it.
Come pay me a visit in my dreams, I promise I will listen this time.
Love Glena Jean

Rapheal and Dain

Nac becomes Rapheal

The little cat is a boy.

Nasty Ass Cat

I did a bad thing, but I met the most incredible person

Her name is Carole, and she is forever young. She is a writer and an Artist and I got one of her nasty ass cats.

I am naming him NA short for Nasty ass.


Na is missing, I wanted to show him where everything was after his bath, he is looking a little ill.

I showed him the box, and the food and his crate, he crawled into the cat box soaking wet, and got litter stuck in his fur.. Now he is missing, Sherman is worried, Sherman thinks Na is in my closet.

It is a skinny fuzzy little thing; he tail is mangled and broken in five places.

After the bath I regretted how thin he looks.

SIGH, just the thing for me. I am a born animal care giver.

of course REMEMBER ME! dunderhead

You know I am stalling, I need to finish alphabatizing stupid CD's. Do you think I need five hundred? I look at them and think... well I can't get rid of this one nor that one. so there they sit.
Stupid F/S Flores wrote me a irritating email, I wish I could squeeze his neck till his tiny little head pops off. OH dear I thought my pissed off attitude had cured itself, well I am better,because I didn't tell him that. NO I wrote to Steven and asked him what to do. He thought it better that I talk to the big boss before I go off on one of my delicate temper tantrums. HE is so good. SO very good.. sigh, but I digress.
I want that man. NOT Flores hell no, Steven.
Sherman needs a bath, I better go focus on that, he will not cooperate and he is very strong for a little guy.

The Enlightened Few

The emperor's new clothes totally explains the Bohemian Genre. They think they are enlightened and are put here to teach the rest of us.

I once had a lovely brick house. It had shiny hard wood floors, french doors leading out to the garden. The kitchen was designed in stone. I loved this house it seemed magical to me.

I decorated it light and bright. The living room had floor to ceiling windows, and I hung a wooden lattice from gold chains from the ceiling. I filled it with plants. I put a mirror under them, and tiny star-lights, so when it was plugged in at night, you had a glowing effect with all the plants taking off.

on the floor in that living room, I had big soft cushy chairs, trees growing from big pots and a fountain in the center. My stereo was there, and you could sit in a chair, listen to the water and music, smoke a clove and relax.

Divorce happened, and Michael and (ex Friend) Becky took the house, and I moved to the Oregon coast to lick my wounds and grow. ( I hoped). I was a doormat most of my marriage, and that behavior doesn't just die.

The house now is done in Cow Dung Brown, with green trim inside. The lattice is gone. On the walls are hideous paintings done in dark colors.
The soft chairs are gone and the fountain, replaced by a big block table, and shelving to display more hideous art work.
IT is said, "To each his own style" But a friend of ours came to see me over there one day when I was dropping our daughters off for a visit, I had to stop inside and feed the baby.

She said, "JEZUS KRIST this looks like a Damn Crack House in here!"

Neither of us know what a crack house looks like, but I suspect it might be close. The colors so dark and dismal, and I am sure Becky painted it that way because it was "Trendy"

anyway enough of that reflection stuff. I like my light and bright little apartment, I cannot hang anything from the ceiling, but I plan on putting some potted tomatoes out on the patio as soon as it is warm enough, and I am relatively happy.

Maybe some day I will have a little house again.

PHU KU

Friday I felt nauseous yet again, what is up with this? is this my new routine?
I just blunder through my morning, hoping it passes, get the boy up for school. I walk the stupid dog, he tries to remove my arm from it's socket. Man he is strong for a little dog.
Daine goes to school, I head to Boise for my job interview with Intermountain. She is in her meeting early, go figure. I fill out all the paperwork and redundant Job application. I always wonder why on a job app, the format asks the same questions twice. Is this because we have a short attention span and might miss the answer the first time it is asked? I don't know but I hate writing by hand and it irritates me to write the same thing over again.
I feel like writing, " See page one" or "Refer to the first time you asked stupid question."
So having balanced the job app in my lap, trying to write neatly, also noting that I don't have recent info on my past jobs, I am missing phone numbers and address' in some cases. Hell I am organized.
I contemplate Steven. Thinking, we have not built anything together. we only see each other briefly, maybe have some torrid love making or kissing. It is nice, but there isn't any interaction on a intellectual level. I think we are losing each other. His plate is piled high and I am on the bottom. Being the kind of woman that I am, it's either all or nothing thank you very much.
I could go through the great drama of giving him the boot, but I think it will solve itself soon. He is withdrawing from me, I feel it. couple of months I will be free again. I am so lonely in this relationship. It is worse then being single. I am supposed to feel bad if I go out with anyone else. I don't feel bad so much, only like I am dishonest, but if I mention it to Steven, he gets that look in his eyes, that is anything but hurt, it is more.. competitive.
I think it could have been good, but it started out all wrong and moved to fast into physical.
YEAH I know, time will tell. It is always about time you know.
After the non existent job interview,I went to BSU to see about getting more money on my loans. OOOH its piling up on me. I need to get the loan paid off that I took on my car. They will not hesitate to take the car, and that would be very inconvenient.
After pay day on Thursday, I had thirty dollars and six cents in my account. Rent is paid. Only rent however. There is still Power, Gas, Cable,Telephone, Target,Gas for my car... sigh.... I need dog food too. Sherman doesn't care that much, he thinks I could just cook him up a steak for the day.
Wish I could take Daine to see a movie too, maybe he girl friend Shelby could go. He gets a bit pink when I call Shelby his girlfriend.
After BSU, I went to work at the Idaho Water After that I went to get my son Daine and then home. I was feeling crappy again, so I laid down for a twenty minute nap. Poor Son, he needs some fun in his life too. OOH I hope I get that loan increase, I am going to take him to a movie, maybe buy him a Karate instruction video, he would like that till I can get him classes.


NEXT the big important news!!
Janelle was hired at St Luke's, out of ten candidates she was number one! I asked her, "HOW does it feel to be number one?"
She is a bit bemused by that. Great job Janelle!! she has worked hard, and at times wondered if it was all worth it. Apparently after her interview the two nurses turned to each other and said, "she is hired." she was the first choice.
No question in my mind at how great she is going to be. She is pretty fearless and has a lot of common sense.
I think she has a lucky star on her shoulder lately, I hope it sends some luck my way.
She graduates from BSU Nursing Department in May and will be working in June, I think.

Here we go again! Orgasmic

My daughter has a job interview today for St. Lukes Ni-cu Department, working with new born baby's. She is excited and nervous. I helped her pick out a new suit. She looks great in it I know even though I didn't see it on. It's a deep black, classy cut, and she bought a red silky shirt to go underneath the jacket.
If she gets the job, she will be hired right after she graduates in May from BSU. WE are so happy and proud of her. She did it!! even having three daughters born along the way. I am waiting to hear how it goes!
I have a job interview tomorrow. I am doing that before I go to work at the Boise Water Center in town. I don't like days that have several things shoved in together. I am having all kinds of anxiety, I even got lost on my way home from work last night. Don't think I want to be medicated though.. seems the cure is worse then the condition.

Dr. Turner wants to put me on Abilify.

I am afraid to take it to be honest; it looks like the same shit as Seroquel. Do you think Dr. Turner thinks I am a psycho? I haven’t been diagnosed as one, but I am beginning to lose trust in him.

I am ANXIOUS and PISSED off dammit, not Bi Polar or Schizophrenic.

I see him next week; perhaps I should wear the purple feather boa and my combat boots.

People have no VISION

It is STILL Broken

I was ready for a real relationship.
One where two people make a commitment to each other.
Nothing can be hidden; nothing can be taken for granted.
Patience is not a virtue of mine.
And I never share what is mine, I am selfish, self centered, demanding and insecure.
SO bite me.

It was broke when I got there

I am resentful, jealous, and abandoned.
What did you expect loving a married man?
Oh yes we know the story about how the marriage has been over for years, and he doesn't have baggage, because he has already moved on, and he has something to work out with her and he is gettng an apartment in March.
Thankfully his wife keeps him so busy I don’t have to worry about him cheating on her and me.
JEEZ do I hear myself?
Thanks for the effort pig eyed dog molester.
Radio silence days, and I know I deserve some attention and I know I am getting exactly what I deserve for believeing. Today I take my life back, today I am the control of radio silence. Don't wanna be a self fullfilling proclamation, what can I expect, no one knows not even Dr. Turner or Dr. Armentrout. Something tells me to keep on. I let myself get swallowed up, I let myself.