Security guard... OH ha ha ha ha
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Saturday, June 10, 2006
You will like her one day
I love that expression of total tolerance that only a small child can make.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Dreams slide into Real Time
I could have slept all day, but there were two cats nudging me, a black lab snorting in my ear (Where's Breakfast?) a nine year old making blanket forts in my bed, a four year old dragging books over the top of me, a six year old yelling for help with the milk, and a five week old yelling.
---SIGH---- isn't it nice to be needed?
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Tomorrow is the last day of grade school
I hope I get the job with Securitas, then I can get Daine into Kung Fu lessons. He has been asking since he was four, I always find myself time challenged, or out of money.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Blogsphere
I am unemployed, however I have a full tank of gas, I think I will go to the mall today.
Dain would like to spend his birthday money on a game for his gameboy.
I like boys, they are so easy to please.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Daine will be nine tomorrow
I am holding the Vikings present for tomorrow. Anyone seen wrapping paper? Newspaper may have to do. My kids got him a Scooter. The kind that you put one foot on and push with the other foot. He will love it. My present... the gameboy will blow his mind. He is used to doing without. He doesn't think too much about it. He is the kind of kid that is unspoiled and happy with anything. It is good I don't have more money, I would spoil him rotten.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Coffee!
So I turned 49 and nothing catastrophic happened. Here it is Tuesday night. I have six more days of taking care of Mr. Zerza. I wish I could have done more for him. I think he prefers me to his home health nurse however. I don't do anything he doesn't want to do. She had the audacity to check out his scar from his surgery last year... hee hee, the look on his face was priceless.
Daine got a singing part in a school play. He sings me the song, and he is quite good. I will see the whole play Thursday. I cannot believe he is in a play let alone even tried out for the part, he is so shy.
I am a proud Mama as usual.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Happy Birthday to Me!
Daine and I are about to be nine.
Daine will tell you, "Only SHE has a four in front of her nine."
...what's that line from Terry Pratchet? Oh yeah, Bugger Off Darling, I am busy.
I am going to be nine and that is that, thank you very much.
Daine will be nine a week and a day later. I got him the most awesome present, I have been hiding it for months. This is not easy for my spontaneous nature. I bought it back in February, lucky that I did, I have only four dollars in my checking account. It costs me 80 dollars a week to drive to my job, and I get 100, so that leaves me 20 to pay my bills. I suspect that this isn't going to work. ANYWAY.. I bought his present early, so I am very happy about that.
I emailed my employer, and I told her I would finish the month out,because I really don't want to leave them in the lurch. She came to the house, and told me that they were so lucky to find me etc... so I said, I would stay, but it would have to be four hours one time a day, instead of one hour twice a day. She said she would think about it. I don't care for the job anyway, my elder gentleman wants to see the back side of me. Sigh must be the end of an era, I finally met a man I could not charm... actually I can think of a few, but I won't go there. 93 is usually the age that finds me most attractive.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Waste of Ass Hair
I finished my finals last week, and started a new job today.
My day.... Get Daine and Kayla up, make sure they are dressed and have eaten breakfast, make a lunch for myself... Two whole wheat buns, some soft Austrian cheese, water, grapes and carrot sticks. DRIVE 25 MILES to Boise.
Drop kids off at school. Get lost... Find job site. Sit for an hour in my car, pretending to do paper work as the neighbors come out and look me over.
FIRST DAY.. Christopher, is 93 years old. He doesn't feel well, and he isn't about to be bossed or cajoled into eating and drinking fluids if he doesn't want to.
I won round one.. he won round two.
I suspect this will be a short job. His repirations were high, his blood pressure low.. poor color, sleeping a lot, acid reflux. As charming as I am, I don't think he liked me much. I would cook for him, spoil him, but he wants to sit quietly in his chair and die.
I am sad, but I know this is the way of the world. I am not a forceful personality, perhaps he needs Nurse Ratchet, not Glinda the good witch???
ten thirty to eleven thirty.. then I am suposed to sit in my car for a few hours and come back at 2:30 to 3:30 for another hour. I thought when I took the job that I would have one shift, for a few hours, not two one hours shifts. Its not worth the gas I am thinking. I will sit this out, however because I don't know what else to do.
My day.... Get Daine and Kayla up, make sure they are dressed and have eaten breakfast, make a lunch for myself... Two whole wheat buns, some soft Austrian cheese, water, grapes and carrot sticks. DRIVE 25 MILES to Boise.
Drop kids off at school. Get lost... Find job site. Sit for an hour in my car, pretending to do paper work as the neighbors come out and look me over.
FIRST DAY.. Christopher, is 93 years old. He doesn't feel well, and he isn't about to be bossed or cajoled into eating and drinking fluids if he doesn't want to.
I won round one.. he won round two.
I suspect this will be a short job. His repirations were high, his blood pressure low.. poor color, sleeping a lot, acid reflux. As charming as I am, I don't think he liked me much. I would cook for him, spoil him, but he wants to sit quietly in his chair and die.
I am sad, but I know this is the way of the world. I am not a forceful personality, perhaps he needs Nurse Ratchet, not Glinda the good witch???
ten thirty to eleven thirty.. then I am suposed to sit in my car for a few hours and come back at 2:30 to 3:30 for another hour. I thought when I took the job that I would have one shift, for a few hours, not two one hours shifts. Its not worth the gas I am thinking. I will sit this out, however because I don't know what else to do.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
NO Prince Charming
I went to funny bones with Pat and Ray and Melissa last night. I decided it's the last time I go anywhere with Pat. He is a nice person, but he is on a mission to save the world, and because of that he doesn't have time for his friends. He also makes everything a big ordeal. Nothing is ever simple and he is almost always late. Lately I can barely stand to talk to him. He called me up yesterday and started going on and on about all the things he was doing, and he called me just before he had to be somewhere else and was in a hurry to hang up, so I told him to please slow down, and tell me when he was picking me up for the show on Wednesday. I wish now I had said that I didn't want to go. Last minute preparations make me nervous and are annoying.
He also invited my daughter and son in law, the day before the show. Their baby is just over a week old. I tried to explain about how you cannot leave a breast fed baby, and he just kept ignoring me and talking over the top of me like he knew all about it. I wonder how many white trash cows he has dated that know anything about nursing anyway? I should know by now to keep my mouth shut, because he talks to hear his head rattle anyway. If you hear anything on the news about a fat old broad stuffing a skinny ex hippie into a trash can, its probably me... would you bail me out of jail?
AND soooo after the bitch session on
You know who... he called to say, change of plans... yet again. I knew there was a problem when he first said, he would be by between five thirty or six fifteen, BUT for Heavens sake!! He has another meeting to go to first before the comedy club. I don't even want to go, I should have said " I can make it a lot easier for you, one less thing to do, I will stay home."
I swear to all the forces of evil, I SHALL never put myself in this position again, its like freakin dating an alcoholic. OH yeah he is one drink away from a relapse.
...so many AA affiliates are no different then the drinking variety.
OK< I am back to my usual nice self.. Smile Wink....
SO, he was an hour late, he managed to get here after seven. He was on his cell phone to some woman. He stayed on his cell for twenty minutes, at which time he got another call from a different woman... then a guy then another woman.
I really decided this is the last time I go anywhere with him.
I felt bitchy the whole evening, I loved seeing Ray, and his wife Melissa is a sweet heart.
The comedy show was good, I laughed my behind off through most of it.
Pat hogged most of the conversation with information about different people he is helping. I have a definite opinion about it, but I bit my lip. I just don't think he is qualified to be helping people. He cannot fix his own life.
I felt unimportant the whole evening as he talked to everyone else. While I sat silent.
HE doesn't get the whole picture.
I have never been out with anyone that talked on their cell phone most of the evening. I told him it would be nice if he shut it off, he said he couldn't, it was his job to be available. I think... NOT.
That's it for me, I am not going with him anywhere ever again, I don't like being made to feel like I am third best, or of no importance at all. It's not like I want the lime light or all the attention either but he actually put his back to me during the comedy show so he could talk to another table. Common courtesy, and politeness is universal.
I always think if people cannot treat me with the same respect that I treat them, they are not worth my time. I don't intend to go out with people who make me feel like I should not be there. HE invited me.
Later we went for chinese food with his friends, Dave and Crystle. Both of which I liked very much. Dave hinted that he keeps close tabs on Pat. I hinted that someone needed to do it, because I sure as hell wasn't up for the job. GAWD I gave a bad immpression, I never felt so bitchy before.
NEVER AGAIN>>> repeat after me, NEVER!!
Monday, May 08, 2006
AAAAAHHHHHRRRRRRGGGG!
Today on the agenda is the Psych 120 Finale it is at 1:00 PM, a mind is a terrible thing to waste.
I was thinking about worm sanctuaries during the storm... dead worms all over the sidewalk, something should be done, I mean REALLY!!
Tomorrow I don't have any pressing business, I think I will vacuum up pet hair in my dungeon. Maybe suck up the cat as well.
He deserves it, I won't let him run free outside, so he had a temper tantrum and tipped over my garbage can and spread paper all over my room. Stupid Cat.
I have been walking my legs off all morning and now I need a nap. I sold my books. GEEEZ, I am not ungrateful. I got 92 dollars for 400 dollars worth of stupid books, YAY! (sarcasm) I expect as much, because some instructors are not teaching any more... Joan's book fetched 20 bucks. OH and they wouldn't buy the stupid psych 120 book back,the cashier said, "it's worth nothing" HOW APROPOS I thought. The class was a waste of ass hair.
Someone thought Psych majors should have Psych 120. this will be going into my book of "Don't Do's" I could be home napping you know... or eating, two of my favorite past times.
I should be wearing the Green NO FEAR sweatshirt, its one of those kind of days. But the sun is still shining, and the walk was breezy and beautiful, and the air smelled of spring and leaving. AHH But we know we cannot leave we have to stay, damned promises anyway.
I am killing some time. I have Nothing to do until I take the final, I took the kids to school and day care respectably. Olivia hanging onto my arm and screaming, "Don't leave me Gramma." She doesn't like me much anyway, its just that I am the less of the two evils.
Kayla doesn't like me at all. Daine adores me. He is the only one with common sense in that crew. I told my daughter, having kids doesn't necessarily mean you will like them, I was lucky, I liked all my kids.
All the power is off in the Educational Building and Multi Purpose. I was going to work on a computer in the multi, but to no avail. I think the porta potty boys severed a line.. I betcha! they look pretty proud of themselves outside suspended up in the air. They moved the porta potty to the ground, so now they must bungee jump off the building if they have to go.
I hope you have a lovely day. I am off to find a nap place.
I was thinking about worm sanctuaries during the storm... dead worms all over the sidewalk, something should be done, I mean REALLY!!
Tomorrow I don't have any pressing business, I think I will vacuum up pet hair in my dungeon. Maybe suck up the cat as well.
He deserves it, I won't let him run free outside, so he had a temper tantrum and tipped over my garbage can and spread paper all over my room. Stupid Cat.
I have been walking my legs off all morning and now I need a nap. I sold my books. GEEEZ, I am not ungrateful. I got 92 dollars for 400 dollars worth of stupid books, YAY! (sarcasm) I expect as much, because some instructors are not teaching any more... Joan's book fetched 20 bucks. OH and they wouldn't buy the stupid psych 120 book back,the cashier said, "it's worth nothing" HOW APROPOS I thought. The class was a waste of ass hair.
Someone thought Psych majors should have Psych 120. this will be going into my book of "Don't Do's" I could be home napping you know... or eating, two of my favorite past times.
I should be wearing the Green NO FEAR sweatshirt, its one of those kind of days. But the sun is still shining, and the walk was breezy and beautiful, and the air smelled of spring and leaving. AHH But we know we cannot leave we have to stay, damned promises anyway.
I am killing some time. I have Nothing to do until I take the final, I took the kids to school and day care respectably. Olivia hanging onto my arm and screaming, "Don't leave me Gramma." She doesn't like me much anyway, its just that I am the less of the two evils.
Kayla doesn't like me at all. Daine adores me. He is the only one with common sense in that crew. I told my daughter, having kids doesn't necessarily mean you will like them, I was lucky, I liked all my kids.
All the power is off in the Educational Building and Multi Purpose. I was going to work on a computer in the multi, but to no avail. I think the porta potty boys severed a line.. I betcha! they look pretty proud of themselves outside suspended up in the air. They moved the porta potty to the ground, so now they must bungee jump off the building if they have to go.
I hope you have a lovely day. I am off to find a nap place.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
Things flying in the air
I am SOOO not into this "Writing Thing" today.
I am sitting in the Educational Building working on my paper labeled
"Dead Souls" My mind wanders off.I have lost my train of thought again.
The woman next to me starts to laugh, and says,
" Wow that's something you don't see every day! A flying toilet."
I look up and a Crane is waving a porta potty in the air.
I might have missed it if she hadn't said anything.
Yes, things like that make my day. I still can't concentrate on my paper.
The work men have set the porta potty on the highest level of the
unfinished building next to the multi purpose building.
I am wondering if someone had to "GO"! I guess men
aren't too bothered by things like that.. sitting up there in full view.
It will probably help them avoid the temptation of peeing off the
building sprinkling the college students scurrying to class below.
However.. other thoughts come to mind unbidden. I was thinking
of the sound level in those damn things... how the bowl acts like a
mega phone amplifying the sounds of bodily functions, and now
suspended over our heads... ahh well, I should be worrying about my paper.
I am sitting in the Educational Building working on my paper labeled
"Dead Souls" My mind wanders off.I have lost my train of thought again.
The woman next to me starts to laugh, and says,
" Wow that's something you don't see every day! A flying toilet."
I look up and a Crane is waving a porta potty in the air.
I might have missed it if she hadn't said anything.
Yes, things like that make my day. I still can't concentrate on my paper.
The work men have set the porta potty on the highest level of the
unfinished building next to the multi purpose building.
I am wondering if someone had to "GO"! I guess men
aren't too bothered by things like that.. sitting up there in full view.
It will probably help them avoid the temptation of peeing off the
building sprinkling the college students scurrying to class below.
However.. other thoughts come to mind unbidden. I was thinking
of the sound level in those damn things... how the bowl acts like a
mega phone amplifying the sounds of bodily functions, and now
suspended over our heads... ahh well, I should be worrying about my paper.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Ava Rae is here
She was born Thursday and weighed in at nine pounds five oz... puny little thing.
Mom and Ava are doing great! Dain is in love with her.
Mom and Ava are doing great! Dain is in love with her.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
over and over in my head
I can't even sing it on tune....
so... I sing over and over, "Over my head, over my head, over my head"
I haven't been able to shut it off for days. That's bad isn't it?
I haven't woke up from day light savings yet. I don't adjust to change very quickly.
ALSO< I have become so self conscience of my writing, thanks to English 102, that I am afraid to write anything anymore.
COWARD!
so... I sing over and over, "Over my head, over my head, over my head"
I haven't been able to shut it off for days. That's bad isn't it?
I haven't woke up from day light savings yet. I don't adjust to change very quickly.
ALSO< I have become so self conscience of my writing, thanks to English 102, that I am afraid to write anything anymore.
COWARD!
STUPID SONG!
Over My Head (Cable Car) The Fray lyrics
Artist: The Fray
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on
And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Artist: The Fray
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on
And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Bad Girl
| You Are a Bad Girl |
 You are 30% Good and 70% Bad You're a total bad girl, from your wild hair to tattooed toes. But you're too badass to even care if you're labeled "bad"! |
Saturday, March 11, 2006
How evil am I?
You Are 82% Evil |
 You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you! |
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Somebody ate my chips!
Over the next few days I have more doctor visits scheduled then I want. Total of four. No Likey!
Heart stuff, pap stuff, anxiety.. I think.. Personally I am just a neurotic fat old lady who wished to be left alone.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
Silent All These Years
TORI AMOS LYRICS
"Silent All These Years"
Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years
So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best praya that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there
Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These...
Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy
Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice [x3]
And it's been here
Silent All These Years
I've been here
Silent All These Years
"Silent All These Years"
Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years
So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best praya that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there
Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These...
Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy
Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice [x3]
And it's been here
Silent All These Years
I've been here
Silent All These Years
Sunday, February 12, 2006
BITE ME TED!
OK OK< so I am not going to write a three page report on why we should legalize marijuana, and three pages why we shouldn't.
I researched it. I DID TOO! instead I am talking to Anna, and thinking of folding more clothes.
I finished the other psych class, its a load of gas, but its done till next week.
I am forgetting something very important, but I cannot think what it is. I need to read 8 chapters in INTRO To drugs, I read one chapter. ITS BORING. I dread English tomorrow, I have to turn in the dead souls paper, and I am thinking last minute, something else to write. BUT my creative energies are tapped out for the week me thinketh.
The kids are at the enemy's house. I laugh when I say that, it's just the past biting me in the ass, I don't want to deal with the past, I want to live in the now.
Ted my friend of 18 years found me again, he says, it's good that I am single. ASSHOLE, good for him to say. I have wondered from time to time about Ted... nah.. I expect I should leave well enough alone. The man is happy, that is enough for me to leave that thought alone.. the thought that I MADE a big mistake honoring my marriage when Ted asked me to run away with him. Holding to my beliefs and integrity, has seemed to hold me hostage to evil. Dammit.
STILL>>>>> Very odd don't you think? I think of Ted and he finds me. He said, perhaps the love spell I put on him all those years ago still works, AHH shut up and kiss your girlfriend. ME? I am a married man magnate, or a freak attractant. The good men that I have wanted ,were previously engaged and I DON'T believe in messing up relationships, that's BAD BAD Karma, so much for me being such a paragon of virtue, shit, I am rambling again. Happy Valentines day anyway!
I researched it. I DID TOO! instead I am talking to Anna, and thinking of folding more clothes.
I finished the other psych class, its a load of gas, but its done till next week.
I am forgetting something very important, but I cannot think what it is. I need to read 8 chapters in INTRO To drugs, I read one chapter. ITS BORING. I dread English tomorrow, I have to turn in the dead souls paper, and I am thinking last minute, something else to write. BUT my creative energies are tapped out for the week me thinketh.
The kids are at the enemy's house. I laugh when I say that, it's just the past biting me in the ass, I don't want to deal with the past, I want to live in the now.
Ted my friend of 18 years found me again, he says, it's good that I am single. ASSHOLE, good for him to say. I have wondered from time to time about Ted... nah.. I expect I should leave well enough alone. The man is happy, that is enough for me to leave that thought alone.. the thought that I MADE a big mistake honoring my marriage when Ted asked me to run away with him. Holding to my beliefs and integrity, has seemed to hold me hostage to evil. Dammit.
STILL>>>>> Very odd don't you think? I think of Ted and he finds me. He said, perhaps the love spell I put on him all those years ago still works, AHH shut up and kiss your girlfriend. ME? I am a married man magnate, or a freak attractant. The good men that I have wanted ,were previously engaged and I DON'T believe in messing up relationships, that's BAD BAD Karma, so much for me being such a paragon of virtue, shit, I am rambling again. Happy Valentines day anyway!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Someone take these dreams away
I wonder why I am writing this. I tried to resist, but the thoughts won’t go away, they hold me hostage, then I realize partly why. It is an anniversary. My meager psychology courses have taught me about anniversary dates for trauma victims. The anniversary date comes, the victim becomes increasingly agitated. I must now impose on your indulgence. I wish there was another way, but the voices are calling me, and I have to.
We watch the Movie, “The Crow” 1994, Brandon Lee. It all ties together with the song “Dead Souls” by Nine Inch Nails.
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/album/7818.html Interview. Originally released in 1994, Trent Reznor created THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL as both a concept album and modern day classic. This influential 90’s classic is Trent Reznor’s industrial cum-tragic opera view of the world and the soul’s sonically detailed fall from grace. The Downward Spiral delves into despair and anger with hard guitars and brutal beats. . .
That pretty much sums it up, “Despair and anger”. It is a victim’s song.
We talk, we rehash, and we wonder what we could have done to hold off the catastrophic event. There is nothing to protect you. You do everything you can to be safe, then realize the front door is unlocked, how futile how foolish we are.
Listen to the quiet desperation in the song, the steady beat, like a war march. It brings to mind that in spite of the event, nothing will hold us prisoner; we will do what it takes to get through this invasion of peace. The feelings of anger have resurfaced, so we need to work on them some more. We work on them again and again.
Perhaps I am a bad mother; I let the victim, watch the movie. It is not a child’s movie. Most of his life I have protected what he watched and carefully guarded what he read. After he was brutally raped and tortured, I thought his world of “Veggie Tales” and nursery rhymes had been dispelled. A victim deserves a powerful movie of violence and the weak winning. I was correct, he relates to the movie, and it opened doors for more discussion. I asked him if he understood why I let him watch such a powerfully violent movie. He said he knew. He knew because the good guy comes back from the grave and puts everything right as best he can. He likes the crow watching over the fallen hero, he likes the soul being carried to the grave after the evil have been punished. Then he asks me, how long will Patrick be in prison for what he has done? I do not know I reply, but he cannot find you here. We are safe, we are a big family. I check to make sure the front door is locked.
The little Viking is in counseling, he is fine the doctors say, he will grow to be a good man, he will not do this to others.
Yeah Yeah he is fine... he is NOT freaking fine. He slept in a nest on the floor for a year, and I had to get rid of his toys and bed, anything that he associated with the crime. WE are not fine.
Dead Souls, I wonder how many walk amongst us without warning labels. I wonder why the crime is not punished by death.
The line, “figures from the past stand tall”, speaks to me of the power the past can have over us, it can still hurt us. We grow, we become stronger, and we become smarter.
Dain is currently in the second grade, he moved here from a small coastal town in Oregon to be around his sister and family. He shows signs of brilliance and amazing sensitivity to others.
Patrick Peil is a predator, he is in prison, we do not know how long, but I fear that the powers that be are more concerned with criminal rights then the rights of the innocent.
When this all came about two years ago, I could not get the parents of the other victims to help me put the monster away, no one wanted to talk of it or be aware. I had to fight it myself, I went on a campaign to alert the whole town, I did it so well that for my son’s privacy we had to move.
I still ask, “Someone take these dreams away.” I wonder what the Viking asks for.
We watch the Movie, “The Crow” 1994, Brandon Lee. It all ties together with the song “Dead Souls” by Nine Inch Nails.
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/album/7818.html Interview. Originally released in 1994, Trent Reznor created THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL as both a concept album and modern day classic. This influential 90’s classic is Trent Reznor’s industrial cum-tragic opera view of the world and the soul’s sonically detailed fall from grace. The Downward Spiral delves into despair and anger with hard guitars and brutal beats. . .
That pretty much sums it up, “Despair and anger”. It is a victim’s song.
We talk, we rehash, and we wonder what we could have done to hold off the catastrophic event. There is nothing to protect you. You do everything you can to be safe, then realize the front door is unlocked, how futile how foolish we are.
Listen to the quiet desperation in the song, the steady beat, like a war march. It brings to mind that in spite of the event, nothing will hold us prisoner; we will do what it takes to get through this invasion of peace. The feelings of anger have resurfaced, so we need to work on them some more. We work on them again and again.
Perhaps I am a bad mother; I let the victim, watch the movie. It is not a child’s movie. Most of his life I have protected what he watched and carefully guarded what he read. After he was brutally raped and tortured, I thought his world of “Veggie Tales” and nursery rhymes had been dispelled. A victim deserves a powerful movie of violence and the weak winning. I was correct, he relates to the movie, and it opened doors for more discussion. I asked him if he understood why I let him watch such a powerfully violent movie. He said he knew. He knew because the good guy comes back from the grave and puts everything right as best he can. He likes the crow watching over the fallen hero, he likes the soul being carried to the grave after the evil have been punished. Then he asks me, how long will Patrick be in prison for what he has done? I do not know I reply, but he cannot find you here. We are safe, we are a big family. I check to make sure the front door is locked.
The little Viking is in counseling, he is fine the doctors say, he will grow to be a good man, he will not do this to others.
Yeah Yeah he is fine... he is NOT freaking fine. He slept in a nest on the floor for a year, and I had to get rid of his toys and bed, anything that he associated with the crime. WE are not fine.
Dead Souls, I wonder how many walk amongst us without warning labels. I wonder why the crime is not punished by death.
The line, “figures from the past stand tall”, speaks to me of the power the past can have over us, it can still hurt us. We grow, we become stronger, and we become smarter.
Dain is currently in the second grade, he moved here from a small coastal town in Oregon to be around his sister and family. He shows signs of brilliance and amazing sensitivity to others.
Patrick Peil is a predator, he is in prison, we do not know how long, but I fear that the powers that be are more concerned with criminal rights then the rights of the innocent.
When this all came about two years ago, I could not get the parents of the other victims to help me put the monster away, no one wanted to talk of it or be aware. I had to fight it myself, I went on a campaign to alert the whole town, I did it so well that for my son’s privacy we had to move.
I still ask, “Someone take these dreams away.” I wonder what the Viking asks for.
Dead Souls
Dead Souls
Nine Inch Nails
Someone take these dreams away
That point me to another day
A duel of personalities
That stretch all true reality
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me
When figures from the past stand tall
And mocking voices ring the hall
Imperialistic house of prayer
Conquistadores who took their share
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me
Calling me, calling me
Calling me, calling me
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me
They keep calling me
Keep on calling me
Written by: joy division
Performed by: trent reznor
Song lyric essay assignment
I had to tell the tale, I am so angry. I am filled with so much raw hate, when I think I am doing better it comes back to haunt me. There is no cure for a pedophile, they should all be dead, and they should be dead before they touch a child.
Reflecting? It is what I do, every day every waking moment. I have darkness in me that I cannot share with anyone. I hesitate even now, but I am consumed with grief for innocence murdered, and trust broken into a million pieces.
You cannot imagine the worst thing in the world happening to your child. You cannot even think such a horrible thought.
A mother prepares for the day he arrives, she imagines what kind of person he will be and how she will love him and nurture him. I dedicated myself to him and my love for him was so great that his fat little feet didn’t touch the ground till he was two years old. My angel boy my gift, his name had come to me in a dream. So he was Dain, a Viking warrior, a fat little cupid, that laughed continually.
I wanted to write about something else, I want to write about a Green Day song, that’s all about being different, and free from popular opinion. But this evil comes back to haunt me, if I write this essay, will it leave me in peace? Will it leave my dreams alone? Can I ever rest in simplicity, knowing what I recognize?
I am going to wish I had not started. The most difficult part of writing this assignment, was worrying about shocking people, or distressing anyone. Most people don’t like unpleasantness in any form, I am one of them. I prefer g-rated flicks to horror. I prefer fairy tales to shocking news stories, but like it or not I was forced to face one of the biggest challenges of my life, and now I am likening a song to it. The song is Dead Souls, which is what Pedophiles are. They steal virtue for their pleasure, they take what is not their’s with no sorrow.
My favorite part of the assignment was listening to music, trying to guess what I would pick. My eclectic taste, leads me to Moody Blues, Green Day, Nine Inch Nails, Orgy… I was searching for happy music or at the very least a fun protest song.
There it was, the blue eyes searching my face, the boy telling me that he felt ruined, that he didn’t know what to do with knowledge that wasn’t innocent. We talked and I told him because of what happened to him, he felt loss of control, and he wanted it back, I told him I would find him a counselor again, and he could talk about anything he wanted, but he must never share the knowledge with a child. I turned my face away so he would not see my misery.
I failed my only son, the child of my heart. I did not protect him from the evil that lurked in our lives, I did not know there was such evil, and nothing I can do will ever put it right. Fucking Nothing!
My least favorite part of this assignment was conjuring up the bad memories, and my desolation. I hope to exorcise this devil instead of feeding it.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Cluttered Writing
Who can understand the workings of an intelligent mind? When I read a paragraph written by a scholar; I am to understand the sentence and then feel enlightened and at ease with the new idea. However this was not the case when reading philosophy. It was like lawyer speak, I thought, “I must be so dumb, that I have to read this diatribe six times to understand a word of it”. I secretly thought. There are too many words; there are too many big words when a small word would have sufficed wonderfully. I felt sorry for the editor that had to wade through the muck of ideas. Oh man! If you could have read some of that stuff, I would love to quote, because you simply cannot imagine. Our professor likened philosophy to the roots of a tree, these roots spread out far and wide. Very wide.
Here is Dr. Schoedinger’s definition of “An essential characteristic”: Schoedinger, Andrew. "philosophy 101."
“An essential characteristic, a characteristic without which a thing would not be the type of thing that it is.”
I am not kidding he wrote that run on sentence.
Nevertheless, now that I have your shocked attention, let me get on with the point of this writing.
A writing teacher, named William Zinsser talks about how writers clutter up the page with unnecessary words, it was great text and I was overwhelmed with tears of joy that another old fart could actually complain about how writers resort to pompous frills and meaningless jargon. AMEN the people said.
William Zinnsser is no stranger to life or a newcomer, he is 84 years old, and about how old I estimate our revered philosophy professor is. Not that it matters, old people can be open minded and full of fresh ideas’ as any 20 year old, it depends on the thinker, not the thinking.
I highlighted most of what Mr. Zinsser wrote. It was wonderful, and I plan to use his ideas to help improve my writing, his ideas may have changed my life, now if I can only apply them.
Mr. Zinsser also said that if the reader is lost trying to read clutter, then it is not the fault of the reader but the fault of the writer, and what he said made a lot of sense to me. Keep in mind who your audience is, remember to simplify and make it interesting, not an easy task, but I am up for it.
Here is Dr. Schoedinger’s definition of “An essential characteristic”: Schoedinger, Andrew. "philosophy 101."
“An essential characteristic, a characteristic without which a thing would not be the type of thing that it is.”
I am not kidding he wrote that run on sentence.
Nevertheless, now that I have your shocked attention, let me get on with the point of this writing.
A writing teacher, named William Zinsser talks about how writers clutter up the page with unnecessary words, it was great text and I was overwhelmed with tears of joy that another old fart could actually complain about how writers resort to pompous frills and meaningless jargon. AMEN the people said.
William Zinnsser is no stranger to life or a newcomer, he is 84 years old, and about how old I estimate our revered philosophy professor is. Not that it matters, old people can be open minded and full of fresh ideas’ as any 20 year old, it depends on the thinker, not the thinking.
I highlighted most of what Mr. Zinsser wrote. It was wonderful, and I plan to use his ideas to help improve my writing, his ideas may have changed my life, now if I can only apply them.
Mr. Zinsser also said that if the reader is lost trying to read clutter, then it is not the fault of the reader but the fault of the writer, and what he said made a lot of sense to me. Keep in mind who your audience is, remember to simplify and make it interesting, not an easy task, but I am up for it.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
ahhh there's the thumbtack I misplaced earlier!
Unfortunately I am sitting on it.
Evil cat doings last night: consisted of a stolen doll diaper and a vengeful cat.
Do you think he has a bone to pick with the little girls?
Apparently the start of it was they were playing noisily in their room with their dolls, one of the dolls apparently needed a fresh diaper (I am afraid to ask)The next sound was, "CASPIAN!",but the kitten was never found, not until I was asleep and it was about three A M. (KILL KITTY) When I heard the unmistakable sound of paper being shredded. I had no idea what it was, but knowing the kitten pretty well, it couldn't be good. It might be an essay I had worked on,(Stolen from my back pack)Or it might be a bill I am not going to pay, who knows, I was too tired to find out. I am not the most coherent of people when suddenly awakened from a deep sleep and a Sci Fi dream. I felt around on the bed, grabbed the rattley thing and gave it a toss. Dumb move, of course the little bugger went and retrieved the thing and brought it back to my bed for more tearing. This time I snagged it, having no idea what it was because of the darkness, and stuffed it under my pillow. Caspian's plaintive cries didn't bother me at all, and I returned to my dream.
Next morning, I remembered and I found the thing under my pillow, a tiny doll pamper in shreds. Who knows what gets into the kitten? I am sure I don't however the entertainment is non stop.
Evil cat doings last night: consisted of a stolen doll diaper and a vengeful cat.
Do you think he has a bone to pick with the little girls?
Apparently the start of it was they were playing noisily in their room with their dolls, one of the dolls apparently needed a fresh diaper (I am afraid to ask)The next sound was, "CASPIAN!",but the kitten was never found, not until I was asleep and it was about three A M. (KILL KITTY) When I heard the unmistakable sound of paper being shredded. I had no idea what it was, but knowing the kitten pretty well, it couldn't be good. It might be an essay I had worked on,(Stolen from my back pack)Or it might be a bill I am not going to pay, who knows, I was too tired to find out. I am not the most coherent of people when suddenly awakened from a deep sleep and a Sci Fi dream. I felt around on the bed, grabbed the rattley thing and gave it a toss. Dumb move, of course the little bugger went and retrieved the thing and brought it back to my bed for more tearing. This time I snagged it, having no idea what it was because of the darkness, and stuffed it under my pillow. Caspian's plaintive cries didn't bother me at all, and I returned to my dream.
Next morning, I remembered and I found the thing under my pillow, a tiny doll pamper in shreds. Who knows what gets into the kitten? I am sure I don't however the entertainment is non stop.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Shadow is camera shy
OK< I am merely stalling, I have to finish chapter three in anthropology, figure out what the hell I am doing in "Essential Concepts for Healthy Living" atempt a job resume' for Psych 125... finish reading in "An intro into drugs" Check my Essay over for English 102 tomorrow, dread dread dread. So taking amusing pictures of my shy cat is better.
I made Saur Braten, Salad, and a rice and crab Casserole for dinner, now I am back staring blankly at the computer. Will I succeed? I don't know, but not if I cannot even figure out the assignments.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
It's a Kitten Thing
Caspian is one of the oddest cats I have ever met. He pulls the thumb tacks out of my bulletin board and scatters my papers all over the floor. The last few mornings I have woke up to a line of rubber Duckies on my bed room floor. They are all parked nose to tail in a row of three or four. I cannot imagine how they got there. THEN... I saw him, he had a duck in his mouth and was carrying them from upstairs to my room and setting them on the floor in my room.. WEIRD CAT. This morning I woke up to a strange noise. Sounded like gnaw gnaw gnaw, then Clunk.
The cat was pulling my spoons out of their rack on the wall and dropping them to the floor. He has to balance on my closet to do this feat of amazing dexterity.
Now after waking me up early in the morning, he is having his nap... stupid cat.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
What if?
What if I didn't really exist? What if I get to say whatever I want whenever I want?
Jeez I might as well, daughter number two has a bee in her bonnet over a CAREFULLY MADE COMMENT I made to her about her and "the Donald" moving to Ok, with a girlfriend from high school and new husband..(Who she hasn't seen in years)
I had my proof readers carefully go over the letter with a fine toothed comb looking for any signs of insult or patronizing. I thought it was a nice letter full of Motherly concern. I added a gentle touch of humor and I get back, "HOW RUDE!" from daughter two, who is acting like NUMBER TWO.
To make matters worse, she told the enemy (ENEMA) all about it. The ex.. Ex best friend who is married to my ex.. SHIT! Then tells daughter number one,'We are in town, tell MOTHER we really want to see her." Daughter number one who cannot be caught up in any family dynamics says, "Tell her yourself." SOOO I figure in ten or twelve years when daughter number two pulls her head out of her ass, and I hear it all the way from Oklahoma, I will give her a call, maybe. HEY I didn't start it.
Communication.. I said, I was interpreted to have said, but I meant....
Jeez I might as well, daughter number two has a bee in her bonnet over a CAREFULLY MADE COMMENT I made to her about her and "the Donald" moving to Ok, with a girlfriend from high school and new husband..(Who she hasn't seen in years)
I had my proof readers carefully go over the letter with a fine toothed comb looking for any signs of insult or patronizing. I thought it was a nice letter full of Motherly concern. I added a gentle touch of humor and I get back, "HOW RUDE!" from daughter two, who is acting like NUMBER TWO.
To make matters worse, she told the enemy (ENEMA) all about it. The ex.. Ex best friend who is married to my ex.. SHIT! Then tells daughter number one,'We are in town, tell MOTHER we really want to see her." Daughter number one who cannot be caught up in any family dynamics says, "Tell her yourself." SOOO I figure in ten or twelve years when daughter number two pulls her head out of her ass, and I hear it all the way from Oklahoma, I will give her a call, maybe. HEY I didn't start it.
Communication.. I said, I was interpreted to have said, but I meant....
Monday, January 16, 2006
Myrrh and Tarot
Tomorrow.... it begins.
I cannot figure out which books go to what class, so I will bring most of them.
At least I only have one class tomorrow. Wednesday I have three.
English, Anthropology, Psychology..Something.. There are three psychology somethings each week, but I haven't figured it all out yet.
One of them is an online class.
Ahh I know that it all becomes clear in the first week, or at least it did last time.
Today I got the brilliant idea to rearrange my room around again, it is better I think? Man I am the master of small spaces.
During this dangerous moving of heavy furniture, I gave the kids my tarot cards and told them to build card houses, snicker..
BUT now the 8 year old wants to know what they are really for. figures, he never leaves things to chance. I have polished all the antique wood with Myrrh oil, now it smells of longing and magic. OH WHATEVER!
I cannot figure out which books go to what class, so I will bring most of them.
At least I only have one class tomorrow. Wednesday I have three.
English, Anthropology, Psychology..Something.. There are three psychology somethings each week, but I haven't figured it all out yet.
One of them is an online class.
Ahh I know that it all becomes clear in the first week, or at least it did last time.
Today I got the brilliant idea to rearrange my room around again, it is better I think? Man I am the master of small spaces.
During this dangerous moving of heavy furniture, I gave the kids my tarot cards and told them to build card houses, snicker..
BUT now the 8 year old wants to know what they are really for. figures, he never leaves things to chance. I have polished all the antique wood with Myrrh oil, now it smells of longing and magic. OH WHATEVER!
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
ORGY LYRICS
"Fiction (Dreams In Digital)"
she's lost in coma where it's beautiful
intoxicated from the deep sleep, deep sleep
do you wonder what it's like
living in a permanent imagination?
sleeping to escape reality, but you like it like that
[Chorus:]
guilty by design
she's nothing more then fiction.
she dreams in digital,
cause it's better then nothing.
now that control is gone,
it seems unreal,
she's dreaming in digital.
she dreams in digital.
and your pixel army can't save you now
my finger's on the kill switch
i remember i used to compose your dreams
control your dreams
and don't be afraid to expose yourself
before i shut you down
you made some changes since the virus caught you sleeping
she's lost in coma where it's beautiful
intoxicated from the deep sleep, deep sleep
do you wonder what it's like
living in a permanent imagination?
sleeping to escape reality, but you like it like that
[Chorus:]
guilty by design
she's nothing more then fiction.
she dreams in digital,
cause it's better then nothing.
now that control is gone,
it seems unreal,
she's dreaming in digital.
she dreams in digital.
and your pixel army can't save you now
my finger's on the kill switch
i remember i used to compose your dreams
control your dreams
and don't be afraid to expose yourself
before i shut you down
you made some changes since the virus caught you sleeping
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Anti Resolution
After the horrible picture I posted, *the one that is going on the bathroom mirror so the kids remember to put the lid on the toothpaste* I thought I might add, that my anti new year's resolution is as follows.... I am not going to lose weight, and I am NOT going to talk to anymore seemingly nice men on Yahoo Messenger. Done finish.. I am not going to work on my attitude, I am going to glory in my crankiness.
I am NOT going to get a job, and I am not going to do anything that I don't want to do, No reality TV, no language courses, and ABSOLUTELY no socializing.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Not a woman to be trifled with
Why is it the garbage men will not empty the white garbage can? Is it some polically correct issue that I am unaware of? TODAY.. I chased the little bastards down and made them back up the truck and I emptied it myself.
He said, "We don't empty those little cans." I said, " I noticed, I shall do it myself."
My daughter said, " I cannot believe you backed up a garbage truck."
Me either, but lack of work efficiency ticks me off.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Hanging out with the PG one
When your incredibly bored there is only one thing to do, eat ice cream.
Last night her highness had a craving and her husband rushed off to the store to fulfill the craving, it was rocky road icecream and whip cream. We all reap the benefits.
I am not really a sweets eater but watching T V with the Viking on the over stuffed couch eating ice cream was the epitome of comfort.
We should be reading something enlightening or having an intellectual discussion, but we were eating icecream and watching "House" and I expect those things are remembered far more then the "GOOD" we try and instill into our kids.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Tuesday
Survival of the fittest or at the very least the most obnoxious. Don't you think so?
I am still cranky.
I soaked for an hour in lavender scented water, the petals stuck in my hair, but that part didn't make me cranky.
I think its just the aftermath of holiday, I enjoyed my children so much, now its back to business, sheets need washing clothes need folding, rooms need cleaning... Sigh.
I am still cranky.
I soaked for an hour in lavender scented water, the petals stuck in my hair, but that part didn't make me cranky.
I think its just the aftermath of holiday, I enjoyed my children so much, now its back to business, sheets need washing clothes need folding, rooms need cleaning... Sigh.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
My beloved family
The annual exchange of the nose rings. We always do that every year...
others may not understand the sentiment.
Then I was looking on at my youngest daughter and her husband,
and I said, what do you think Donald did to deserve you?
She replied, " I think he won a burping contest or something."
Donald just looks on in awe.. I suppose that is best in light of the circumstances.
others may not understand the sentiment.
Then I was looking on at my youngest daughter and her husband,
and I said, what do you think Donald did to deserve you?
She replied, " I think he won a burping contest or something."
Donald just looks on in awe.. I suppose that is best in light of the circumstances.
Friday, December 23, 2005
OOOOH How I hate Walmart!
YES! Sing it with me, "Oh How I hate Walmart"!
So I received some Christmas money and I was supposed to be decadent... Yes.
I want a pair of slippers I ended up with a TV dinner. Why does everyone look at me and smile? I touch my hair self consciously ... Its all there... OK I bought a large bottle of wine and a TV dinner, maybe that's what the smiling is all about?
Ok and a chocolate bar, I can have that can't I?
I wanted slippers, Pink fuzzy ones if you please, the aisle was BLOCKED and I mean blocked by festive shoppers touching every single pair of slippers. Also the really grumpy woman in the fuchsia pant suit... she looked like a toddler in that hideous matching pant set. NO wonder she was so grumpy.. I tried my smile on her, every time she blocked me from touching the slippers on the shelf, she snorted and blocked me even more.
I wandered off to the wine aisle.
I didn't get any slippers, and I am not going to try it again.
I haven't had slippers for months, and I think the German Sheppard knows why..
So I received some Christmas money and I was supposed to be decadent... Yes.
I want a pair of slippers I ended up with a TV dinner. Why does everyone look at me and smile? I touch my hair self consciously ... Its all there... OK I bought a large bottle of wine and a TV dinner, maybe that's what the smiling is all about?
Ok and a chocolate bar, I can have that can't I?
I wanted slippers, Pink fuzzy ones if you please, the aisle was BLOCKED and I mean blocked by festive shoppers touching every single pair of slippers. Also the really grumpy woman in the fuchsia pant suit... she looked like a toddler in that hideous matching pant set. NO wonder she was so grumpy.. I tried my smile on her, every time she blocked me from touching the slippers on the shelf, she snorted and blocked me even more.
I wandered off to the wine aisle.
I didn't get any slippers, and I am not going to try it again.
I haven't had slippers for months, and I think the German Sheppard knows why..
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Happy News!
So some happy news today... right...
I am officially bored. Stir crazy, no place to go, but the weather is warming up. The ducks are daft with joy, they have a swimming pool of melted snow.
I smell patchouli and rain I wonder what that means?
Maybe spring is here early? the birds think so, I think it's a crazy trick and tomorrow it will be cold again.
It is Wednesday, the middle of the week. I think Chelsie and Donald will be here tomorrow or the next day, but they cannot call me, the phone is disconnected.
AHHH life is grand! Thankfully I only have to stand it in bits and pieces.. remind me again why I stay single? Oh yeah...
I am officially bored. Stir crazy, no place to go, but the weather is warming up. The ducks are daft with joy, they have a swimming pool of melted snow.
I smell patchouli and rain I wonder what that means?
Maybe spring is here early? the birds think so, I think it's a crazy trick and tomorrow it will be cold again.
It is Wednesday, the middle of the week. I think Chelsie and Donald will be here tomorrow or the next day, but they cannot call me, the phone is disconnected.
AHHH life is grand! Thankfully I only have to stand it in bits and pieces.. remind me again why I stay single? Oh yeah...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Dancing Pigs
You can dress a pig up, but you still cannot take him to dinner.
LIKE I didn't know that after being married?
LIKE I didn't know that after being married?
Rich in anxiety
you put too much importance on yourself.
I just thought you were more of a person then you are.
I just thought you were more of a person then you are.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Strange And Beautiful (I'll Put A Spell On You)
Artist: Aqualung
I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
Unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me
Yeah
Ye-ah
Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
Cause I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me, yeah
Yeah
Ye-ah
Yeah
Ye-ah
I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
Unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me
Yeah
Ye-ah
Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me
I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
Cause I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me, yeah
Yeah
Ye-ah
Yeah
Ye-ah
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Guinevere was a bonehead
I watched Camelot, all three hours of it. Richard Harris! I had no idea, I only saw him when he was a blustery old man playing Dumbledore in the first Harry Potter Movies. Richard looked like Mel Gibson in that movie.
Guinevere gives up everything to have an affair with a pompas frenchman... JEEZ what a bonehead!
I was very thankful that I don't have to write a review on this, I only had to enjoy it.
It was made in 1967, and I didn't think it seemed dated at all.
I have to say, I did cry through the whole thing, I felt sorry for Guinevere, but I was thinking, the solution is simple, tell Lancy baby to shove off and go be with your husband, stupid broad!
Guinevere gives up everything to have an affair with a pompas frenchman... JEEZ what a bonehead!
I was very thankful that I don't have to write a review on this, I only had to enjoy it.
It was made in 1967, and I didn't think it seemed dated at all.
I have to say, I did cry through the whole thing, I felt sorry for Guinevere, but I was thinking, the solution is simple, tell Lancy baby to shove off and go be with your husband, stupid broad!
Friday, December 16, 2005
Alone
The family is going to Las Vegas for a week.
I am going to miss them. I am going to do those weird things one likes to do when one is alone.
I am going to Eat Chocolate Mousse and watch Camelot.
I am going to shower with the door open, and listen to music all night long, and watch TV in my jammies, I am going to eat TV dinners, and not do any dishes.
I am going to go shopping without Three kids.
I shall miss them... snicker.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Sunday, December 11, 2005
8 degrees
I wanted to write something beautiful today, instead all I can think is:
Benzodiazepine- Minor tranquilizer..ahh Dissociative disorder- Parts of the personality fragment resulting in some part becoming detached.
In case your wondering, I am just trying to study for the psychology final test tomorrow.
Inbetween, thinking how cold it is outside, and how I better vacuum the livingroom, and I had better finish the dishes, and the laundry, and enjoy my peace and quiet, because all the kids are at the ex's house for a visit, I of which am THANKFULLY not invited, I should never show up sober anyway. Since I don't drink, that means never. the end. HAA thankfully I figured out I don't need polite excuses. I just don't go.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
A Ghost of an Idea
A Christmas Carol was put on by the New Heritage Theatre Company in association with the Morrison Center. The play adapted by Barbara Field and originally produced by The Guthrie Theatre was originally written by Charles Dickens in 1843 and is one of his best known stories.
Ebenezer Scrooge is a hardened old man who hates Christmas. He is taught the true meaning of Christmas by ghosts that show him his past, present and future, and what will become of him if he doesn’t change.
The tale unfolds in an old English village. There are signs of poverty and wealth mixed together in an untidy heap of color and grays.
Probably one of the most marvelous things about the production of this play was the incredible set, and lighting co-designed by Brent Karlberg, and Genny Wynn.
Ghosts popping out of the floor, side walls opening, homes moving into the center of the stage, city streets becoming evident, and a graveyard, all in the telling of the story. The lighting changed the atmosphere from dark to light hearted. We believe that an old man can be capable of transformation after he is exposed to the true way of things, and made to feel them in all their passion and tenderness, that he had up to that time disregarded and became deadened to.
Ebenezer Scrooge over a period of time became the hardened man that we see in the beginning of the story, a series of flash backs show the audience how disappointment and neglect managed to make him the distrustful hateful old man we come to associate with the name Scrooge. Living life in a harsh boarding school, being separated from the sister he loves, then later his sister’s death at a young age. His first job was little more then slave labor, these things and more lead to his desire to be wealthy and hold on to that wealth for securities sake.
Jacob Marley’s high regard for Scrooge caused the chain of events and the visits from the spirits from the past, present and future. Jacob Marley and Scrooge were business partners for many years and worked together in their business, until Marley died on Christmas Eve seven years before. Since that time, Marley had been carrying the chains of regret because of his greed and failure to help those in need. Perhaps he gets to work off some of his time of punishment in the afterlife if he recruits the most hardened man of all? As unsentimental as we view Jacob Marley, there is a realization that there must be something in it for him. What if he sheds some light on the horrible outcome of living in the next world when one leads a life of selfishness and greed?
And so as expected, Scrooge goes through a series of reluctant journeys in which each spirit imparts a truth from the past present and future. Learning that no good comes from hording one’s wealth, but in helping and sharing it with others.
Scrooge wakes up Christmas morning and realizes that he has survived the night and has a chance to set things right. He solemnly thanks Jacob Marley’s memory and praises the spirits that taught him a lesson and begins his new life of amends.
Our narrator, Charles Dickens, tells us that Scrooge’s last years were spent in goodness and generosity and he was loved by all who knew him.
There were many talents that contributed to the telling of this story; I will name the ones that I talked about in this review.
Michael Denney portrayed Jacob Marley’s ghost in eerie detail. Ebenezer Scrooge was performed by Craig Kreiser. Charles Dickens, the story narrator was Luke Massengill.
The diversity of the costumes seemed to fit the time and was presented to us by Vicky Nebecker-DeStasio. There were the drab browns of poverty, the bright silks of the wealthy, the winter bonnets in wool, and the stylish hats worn by men of business. Small boys in knee pants chasing little girls in plain drab dresses, finally ghosts in glowing rags and chains.
This was the dress rehearsal that I was privileged to see so I am hoping that they fixed the acoustics.
The Narrator was drowned out by the carolers and when Scrooge yelled no one else was heard on the stage. There was also trouble making out what the characters were saying as the sound echoed off the walls. Anytime anyone sang on stage all the sound and back ground description was drowned in the noise.
A pleasing version of Christmas Carol. May your spirits be happy and bright this season.
Ebenezer Scrooge is a hardened old man who hates Christmas. He is taught the true meaning of Christmas by ghosts that show him his past, present and future, and what will become of him if he doesn’t change.
The tale unfolds in an old English village. There are signs of poverty and wealth mixed together in an untidy heap of color and grays.
Probably one of the most marvelous things about the production of this play was the incredible set, and lighting co-designed by Brent Karlberg, and Genny Wynn.
Ghosts popping out of the floor, side walls opening, homes moving into the center of the stage, city streets becoming evident, and a graveyard, all in the telling of the story. The lighting changed the atmosphere from dark to light hearted. We believe that an old man can be capable of transformation after he is exposed to the true way of things, and made to feel them in all their passion and tenderness, that he had up to that time disregarded and became deadened to.
Ebenezer Scrooge over a period of time became the hardened man that we see in the beginning of the story, a series of flash backs show the audience how disappointment and neglect managed to make him the distrustful hateful old man we come to associate with the name Scrooge. Living life in a harsh boarding school, being separated from the sister he loves, then later his sister’s death at a young age. His first job was little more then slave labor, these things and more lead to his desire to be wealthy and hold on to that wealth for securities sake.
Jacob Marley’s high regard for Scrooge caused the chain of events and the visits from the spirits from the past, present and future. Jacob Marley and Scrooge were business partners for many years and worked together in their business, until Marley died on Christmas Eve seven years before. Since that time, Marley had been carrying the chains of regret because of his greed and failure to help those in need. Perhaps he gets to work off some of his time of punishment in the afterlife if he recruits the most hardened man of all? As unsentimental as we view Jacob Marley, there is a realization that there must be something in it for him. What if he sheds some light on the horrible outcome of living in the next world when one leads a life of selfishness and greed?
And so as expected, Scrooge goes through a series of reluctant journeys in which each spirit imparts a truth from the past present and future. Learning that no good comes from hording one’s wealth, but in helping and sharing it with others.
Scrooge wakes up Christmas morning and realizes that he has survived the night and has a chance to set things right. He solemnly thanks Jacob Marley’s memory and praises the spirits that taught him a lesson and begins his new life of amends.
Our narrator, Charles Dickens, tells us that Scrooge’s last years were spent in goodness and generosity and he was loved by all who knew him.
There were many talents that contributed to the telling of this story; I will name the ones that I talked about in this review.
Michael Denney portrayed Jacob Marley’s ghost in eerie detail. Ebenezer Scrooge was performed by Craig Kreiser. Charles Dickens, the story narrator was Luke Massengill.
The diversity of the costumes seemed to fit the time and was presented to us by Vicky Nebecker-DeStasio. There were the drab browns of poverty, the bright silks of the wealthy, the winter bonnets in wool, and the stylish hats worn by men of business. Small boys in knee pants chasing little girls in plain drab dresses, finally ghosts in glowing rags and chains.
This was the dress rehearsal that I was privileged to see so I am hoping that they fixed the acoustics.
The Narrator was drowned out by the carolers and when Scrooge yelled no one else was heard on the stage. There was also trouble making out what the characters were saying as the sound echoed off the walls. Anytime anyone sang on stage all the sound and back ground description was drowned in the noise.
A pleasing version of Christmas Carol. May your spirits be happy and bright this season.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Forty Shades of Green
Forty Shades Of Green
Boise Contemporary Theatre presented Stones in his Pocket by arrangement with Paul Elliott, Adam Kenwright and Pat Moylan. The play was written by Marie Jones. She is currently a resident of Belfast Ireland and was born and raised there, she has written a number of plays including several dealing with
Ireland.
Tracy Sunderland was the director; Ann Klautsch was the voice and dialect coach. The dance scenes were choreographed by Leah S. Clark and created an authentic Irish air to the whole story told in forty shades of green.
The play was made for the two actors that enact the story. Joe Conley Golden and Tom Willmorth transform characters right before our eyes, and they do it so well that it seemed there were a legion of actors instead of two.
Each character had a different dialect, and mannerisms, so one could tell when it was someone else speaking, the body language changed and so did the Irish lilt.
The story begins in the beautiful green country side of the Irish Highlands. We make out, uneven ground with many shades of green, flat stones piled in stacks to resemble a river bed along a horizon. To the left is a rack of shabby clothes, featuring many tweed type jackets and work boots such as an American director might imagine Irish peasants wearing in the countryside. The stage adapts itself to each scene with a trunk and a few chairs and was fashioned by Michael Baltzell.
A Hollywood Studio has arrived to stir up the rural Ireland Village to make a film called “A Quiet Valley” The company has decided to use the locals as extras in the production.
Charlie and Jake, two down and out Irishmen, are happy to make 40 pounds a day for their trouble, and rubbing elbows with stars, especially the extremely beautiful American Starlet, Caroline Giovanni.
In his pocket, Charlie who is from another part of Ireland, and a stranger in town, carries a well worn dog eared manuscript. It is a play he has written and he hopes to gain the attention of someone that could make the story into an award winning movie. His cheerfulness is touching in its optimism. The two actors change characters in brisk progression. Pay attention or you may miss something. Jake becomes the oldest living extra from the Quiet man, an efficient assistant to the assistant film director, and a troubled young man. Charlie becomes, Caroline the American actress, a Catholic father, the self important director, and an impatient assistant director.
Charlie and Jake make a reference to all the fake admiration that Hollywood holds for the beautiful Irish countryside, Hollywood is really only there to exploit and use it for their own purposes. One of them mentions, they must be getting sick of the forty shades of green by now. The two friends know full well that living in a luxury trailer and having meals catered and being waited on like royalty is not the same as living a simple life of hard work and perseverance.
We find that Charlie is not as cheerful as we originally heard, and Jake has his own demons to exorcise when his nephew kills himself by walking into the river with stones in his pocket.
The Director and his staff still expect the extra’s to behave in a joyful manner, and they do not want to allow anytime off for the funeral of the young man, who was a friend and relation to many of the extras. In the end, the publicity becomes the motivation behind “allowing” the extra’s to attend the funeral.
One amazing scene shows Charlie and Jake, doing a dance straight out of River Dance, to lively Irish Music. The oldest Living survivor from the movie The Quiet Man gets kicked off the set because he comes back from the funeral tipsy.
After the movie is finished, “in the can” as quoted by the old man, Charlie and Jake gain some confidence and take a movie idea to the pompas director. In between eating and talking with his mouth full, he completely changes their idea, and makes it his own. Charlie and Jake relentlessly decide that they have a good idea and will open their own company and produce the film themselves. They have complete confidence that it is going to be a success.
The lighting designer Deborah Penrod matched the colors of the lighting to what was happening on stage. She accomplished a sun set, and evening, and it complimented the whole story. I saw the forty shades of green, as accented by her lighting.
Boise Contemporary Theatre presented Stones in his Pocket by arrangement with Paul Elliott, Adam Kenwright and Pat Moylan. The play was written by Marie Jones. She is currently a resident of Belfast Ireland and was born and raised there, she has written a number of plays including several dealing with
Ireland.
Tracy Sunderland was the director; Ann Klautsch was the voice and dialect coach. The dance scenes were choreographed by Leah S. Clark and created an authentic Irish air to the whole story told in forty shades of green.
The play was made for the two actors that enact the story. Joe Conley Golden and Tom Willmorth transform characters right before our eyes, and they do it so well that it seemed there were a legion of actors instead of two.
Each character had a different dialect, and mannerisms, so one could tell when it was someone else speaking, the body language changed and so did the Irish lilt.
The story begins in the beautiful green country side of the Irish Highlands. We make out, uneven ground with many shades of green, flat stones piled in stacks to resemble a river bed along a horizon. To the left is a rack of shabby clothes, featuring many tweed type jackets and work boots such as an American director might imagine Irish peasants wearing in the countryside. The stage adapts itself to each scene with a trunk and a few chairs and was fashioned by Michael Baltzell.
A Hollywood Studio has arrived to stir up the rural Ireland Village to make a film called “A Quiet Valley” The company has decided to use the locals as extras in the production.
Charlie and Jake, two down and out Irishmen, are happy to make 40 pounds a day for their trouble, and rubbing elbows with stars, especially the extremely beautiful American Starlet, Caroline Giovanni.
In his pocket, Charlie who is from another part of Ireland, and a stranger in town, carries a well worn dog eared manuscript. It is a play he has written and he hopes to gain the attention of someone that could make the story into an award winning movie. His cheerfulness is touching in its optimism. The two actors change characters in brisk progression. Pay attention or you may miss something. Jake becomes the oldest living extra from the Quiet man, an efficient assistant to the assistant film director, and a troubled young man. Charlie becomes, Caroline the American actress, a Catholic father, the self important director, and an impatient assistant director.
Charlie and Jake make a reference to all the fake admiration that Hollywood holds for the beautiful Irish countryside, Hollywood is really only there to exploit and use it for their own purposes. One of them mentions, they must be getting sick of the forty shades of green by now. The two friends know full well that living in a luxury trailer and having meals catered and being waited on like royalty is not the same as living a simple life of hard work and perseverance.
We find that Charlie is not as cheerful as we originally heard, and Jake has his own demons to exorcise when his nephew kills himself by walking into the river with stones in his pocket.
The Director and his staff still expect the extra’s to behave in a joyful manner, and they do not want to allow anytime off for the funeral of the young man, who was a friend and relation to many of the extras. In the end, the publicity becomes the motivation behind “allowing” the extra’s to attend the funeral.
One amazing scene shows Charlie and Jake, doing a dance straight out of River Dance, to lively Irish Music. The oldest Living survivor from the movie The Quiet Man gets kicked off the set because he comes back from the funeral tipsy.
After the movie is finished, “in the can” as quoted by the old man, Charlie and Jake gain some confidence and take a movie idea to the pompas director. In between eating and talking with his mouth full, he completely changes their idea, and makes it his own. Charlie and Jake relentlessly decide that they have a good idea and will open their own company and produce the film themselves. They have complete confidence that it is going to be a success.
The lighting designer Deborah Penrod matched the colors of the lighting to what was happening on stage. She accomplished a sun set, and evening, and it complimented the whole story. I saw the forty shades of green, as accented by her lighting.
To Whom it may concern... or not
So why? I thought I could write anything.
When it becomes an assignment my hands feel tied. Today I have played mah jong, talked to Anna, traded ideas for baby names with Janelle,Read reviews,stalled, read the news, talked to the dog,listened to Blue Oyster Cult,drank coffee,Stalled, played mah jong again. SIGH
ok, focus...
Two Theatre assignments:
A review on
Stones in his Pockets &
A Christmas Carol..
A paper on Creationism versus Evolution with a few comments thrown in on Charles Darwin and my highly exalted opinion... I KNOW the English Professor sighs with dread when he sees my happy face in class. KNOWING it doesn't stop me.
it should stop me but I have always been a social idiot.
STUDY Pshychology... EWWW Two Assignments in Philosophy.. its a real YAWN.
hmm is it still snowing? does the dog want a biscuit? Are the kids hungry? What is Anna doing?
When it becomes an assignment my hands feel tied. Today I have played mah jong, talked to Anna, traded ideas for baby names with Janelle,Read reviews,stalled, read the news, talked to the dog,listened to Blue Oyster Cult,drank coffee,Stalled, played mah jong again. SIGH
ok, focus...
Two Theatre assignments:
A review on
Stones in his Pockets &
A Christmas Carol..
A paper on Creationism versus Evolution with a few comments thrown in on Charles Darwin and my highly exalted opinion... I KNOW the English Professor sighs with dread when he sees my happy face in class. KNOWING it doesn't stop me.
it should stop me but I have always been a social idiot.
STUDY Pshychology... EWWW Two Assignments in Philosophy.. its a real YAWN.
hmm is it still snowing? does the dog want a biscuit? Are the kids hungry? What is Anna doing?
Friday, December 02, 2005
Joe Conley Golden, and Tom Wilmorth
Boise Contemporary Theater
854 Fulton St.
(Boise Downtown)
Boise ID
331-9224
http://www.bctheater.org
854 Fulton St.
(Boise Downtown)
Boise ID
331-9224
http://www.bctheater.org
Thursday, December 01, 2005
SO I stayed home today.
Snowstorm closes schools and slows morning commute
01:36 PM MST on Thursday, December 1, 2005
KTVB.COM
BOISE –- A snowstorm blowing through the Treasure Valley today wreaked havoc with motorists and forced the closure of some schools in the area.
Traffic on Interstate 84 was moving at a snail’s pace during the morning commute. Idaho State Police dispatch reported to about 50 calls, mostly slide-offs. A semi-truck loaded with pears overturned in the eastbound lanes near milepost 25 west of Caldwell. Police say the driver hit the brakes to avoid hitting another car, causing the back end of the trailer to slide off the road and flipped the entire truck onto its side. The pears were transferred to another truck to help lighten the load. Traffic is limited to one-lane through the area.
Monday, November 28, 2005
It doesn't look so good from here
The day started at under twenty degrees Fahrenheit.
It is so cold it hurts to breathe out of my nose. So I breathe out of my mouth. I walk along puffing and mouth breathing, I suddenly realize how ridiculous this must look, pant puff pant puff.
So far the knee is holding up as I walk. I am thankful for this, I hate annoying displays of pain, especially my own.
English--I have to re-write the vile paper that I merely spit out to start with.
Theatre--I missed the play I was supposed to review for one of our main grades..."F"
Psychology--Finals in two weeks, I am not ready.
After psychology, I amble down to the student union building for a quick bite. I realize that I have nine dollars to last me till January, but I am hungry and I didn't prepare in advance, its too cold to walk back to the car.
I figure I will get a bag of chips and a bottle of juice, that shouldn't cost too much.
All the chips look disgusting, but the sushi looks good. So I bring up a diet coke and a tray of sushi to the counter.
Mr. Studly is busy watching the pretty young blond make a food decision. He ignores me.
She brings up her purchase, and he makes polite and friendly conversation with her.
I stand. Next the busty brunette. He makes conversation with her, and ignores me.
I try to gain eye contact. Finally I ask him to ring me up. He says "Certainly" with a bright smile. "HAVE A NICE DAY" I take my purchase out of the store without answering.
I find a seat, and blow my nose noisily, it is bleeding. I proceed to eat the sushi and steel myself for the dive into the philosophy book. It will take all my concentration, I was already dozing off in psych, I have no hope that philosophy will keep me awake.
Happily, I finish two assignments. I notice something odd about the page numbers... SHIT two and a half hours of work on the wrong assignment.
OK< there is still some time left before I go do the test pig thing in the Pshych lab.
I finish the correct assignment, and proceed out the door to the educational building, its damn cold. My finger is going numb under the warm glove, once again my nose hurts to breathe, but I avoid breathing out of my mouth, not wanting to look like a trout on land.
Educational building. I am there to take a survey as part of my grade in Psychology. I am hoping to end this soon, and also hoping I understand the simple instructions. I have a difficult time, I am very literal minded and sometimes I think instructors are speaking a different language to me.
They hand out three pieces of papers, they inform us that only one paper gets our name and student ID.number.
I struggle with the questions, knowing that I have some difficulting tracking what I am reading and where to put the answer. After twenty minutes of work, I discover that I put the answers on the wrong sheet of paper. I have to go back and put them on the correct one and erase them on the question sheet.
The instructor has said, that when everyone is finished we can go home. Everyone has finished, except me, busily erasing and re-writing 160 questions. Most eyes are on me now, people are sighing. I can feel my face turn red, I do not wish to be here, and now it seems I am a dunderhead.
The girl next to me has her leg crossed and is swinging her foot so it bumps my backpack every so often. I wish she would stop and she is leaning forward staring at my answer sheet... and SIGHING.
I kept the whole class after. What a wonderful addition to my already poopy day.
I am the last person to walk forward to turn in my paper, most eyes are on me, some look the other way in embarrassment for me. I keep thinking, this isn't the worst thing that could ever happen, its just my worst nightmare, I don't like to make public spectacles. I am wishing it was over, and soon it is, and I am walking in the cold air, wishing I had a hat. I am also thinking that the sushi was very fishy, and I hope that I don't regret eating it later....
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Tortured Noises
Much to my irritation, I can't move my right leg today. What is that supposed to mean? I can bend it, but it wont go straight, and if I try to straighten it, it sends pain waves so violently up my body I fall.
If I try to stand on my right foot, I collapse. This happened when I was cooking dinner last night.. Beef stew with dumplings,then the dramatic falling on the floor collapsing in pain, writhing in agony, with the Grandchildren looking on, wondering what the hell, that unpredictable Gramma was up to again.
I am applying heat, I don't have time for this bullshit, and going to the doctor doesn't occur to me, I just want it over with.
How am I going to walk around campus tomorrow? I got stuff to do.
Who said I could get old?
If I try to stand on my right foot, I collapse. This happened when I was cooking dinner last night.. Beef stew with dumplings,then the dramatic falling on the floor collapsing in pain, writhing in agony, with the Grandchildren looking on, wondering what the hell, that unpredictable Gramma was up to again.
I am applying heat, I don't have time for this bullshit, and going to the doctor doesn't occur to me, I just want it over with.
How am I going to walk around campus tomorrow? I got stuff to do.
Who said I could get old?
Friday, November 18, 2005
You are a Rose:
You are creative, sensual, passionate, and bold.
You pour your heart into everything that you
do. Alluring and gifted with strong sex appeal,
you very easily draw people in with your animal
magnetism.
Symbolsim: The rose has always been a flower
heavily loaded with symbolism. In general it
symbolizes desire, passion, beauty, and
enchantment.
Which Flower are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Saturday, November 12, 2005
There is a...............
There is a spider on my desk. He knows I am here, and I know he is here.
The little bastard dived into some papers when I ran for a tissue.
This interrupts my concentration, as I type I am waiting for him to make another appearance.
I have papers I need to clean up, I think I will ask the 8 year old to do it, if I do it and the "THING" jumps out at me, I am likely to emit a blood curdling scream that will wake the whole household.
I am NOT afraid of spiders, I just don't like surprises.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Lucy
Lucy looks like hell today, she isn't eating, or talking to me. The horrid lump on her head cracked open again, and its oozing faster. The smell of fresh blood is sickening.
I have sopped it up best I can, but now what do I do. I am in despair. IT is a crime that one cannot help an animal or get medical care because one doesn't have money.
I feel like I am at fault.
Even half the money is out of reach for me right now.
Pray pray pray.
I have sopped it up best I can, but now what do I do. I am in despair. IT is a crime that one cannot help an animal or get medical care because one doesn't have money.
I feel like I am at fault.
Even half the money is out of reach for me right now.
Pray pray pray.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
YAY its Saturday!
I sleep on a heating pad for my permanently stiff neck, it started making noises. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZAP! bbbbbrrrr zzzz, I thought, its going to catch on fire and burn my ear off in my sleep. I wouldn't have been able to sleep with the weird noise in my ear anyway.
My daughter says, "your not supposed to sleep on them." OH! doggone it, it was working so well too.
I have an old one with no instructions, so it's a good thing I told her about it. Can't they make one that you can sleep on? I used to have ferrets that had a pen outside, (Don't ask, stupid landlord from California) I put a heating pad in their cage to keep them warm and they slept on it. I mean what good are they if you can't put them under anything?
subject Two.
Lucy the Labrador, crawled up and slept next to me on the bed Wednesday night. she doesn't usually, she likes sleeping under my desk. When my alarm went off in the morning I reached over and petted her on the head. My hand came away sticky and wet.
So being the alarmist that I am, I jumped out of bed and turned on the light. Her tumor on her head had gotten so large it split open and was oozing fluid and blood. It seemed to correct itself, but I wanted to take her to the vet. I have been told for years that she has fatty tumors and nothing can be done about them. They usually get large and split open a few time a year.
GET THIS! The vet says, that they are NOT fatty tumors they are cysts and should be removed. I am so mad, I have had three vets tell me they are tumors, and they are non-cancerous, don't disturb the dog with surgery. SO NOW four years later two new vets tell me something very different.
They have to come off, so its 650.00 dollars I have to come up with.
The vets also said, if I had them removed when they were new they would have been a simple office procedure,done with a local anesthetic. I cannot tell you how mad I am at the three brookings vets that informed me they were fatty tumors.
My poor baby has suffered with these for four years.
I used to go to this Boise vet years ago, it was strange looking up, and having that feeling of recognition. I doubt very much he remembered me, his partner knew a vet from Brookings that I used to rent movies to when I worked for Rays in the video department. Small world as they say.
Anyway. Lucy will get that surgery some how, but I don't know for sure when I have to pay off the car as per an agreement with Chetco Financial. They agreed to let me keep my car if I agreed to pay it off in January, so there goes the money I would have had to get Lucy fixed.
I am sure I will figure out something, I always do.
My daughter says, "your not supposed to sleep on them." OH! doggone it, it was working so well too.
I have an old one with no instructions, so it's a good thing I told her about it. Can't they make one that you can sleep on? I used to have ferrets that had a pen outside, (Don't ask, stupid landlord from California) I put a heating pad in their cage to keep them warm and they slept on it. I mean what good are they if you can't put them under anything?
subject Two.
Lucy the Labrador, crawled up and slept next to me on the bed Wednesday night. she doesn't usually, she likes sleeping under my desk. When my alarm went off in the morning I reached over and petted her on the head. My hand came away sticky and wet.
So being the alarmist that I am, I jumped out of bed and turned on the light. Her tumor on her head had gotten so large it split open and was oozing fluid and blood. It seemed to correct itself, but I wanted to take her to the vet. I have been told for years that she has fatty tumors and nothing can be done about them. They usually get large and split open a few time a year.
GET THIS! The vet says, that they are NOT fatty tumors they are cysts and should be removed. I am so mad, I have had three vets tell me they are tumors, and they are non-cancerous, don't disturb the dog with surgery. SO NOW four years later two new vets tell me something very different.
They have to come off, so its 650.00 dollars I have to come up with.
The vets also said, if I had them removed when they were new they would have been a simple office procedure,done with a local anesthetic. I cannot tell you how mad I am at the three brookings vets that informed me they were fatty tumors.
My poor baby has suffered with these for four years.
I used to go to this Boise vet years ago, it was strange looking up, and having that feeling of recognition. I doubt very much he remembered me, his partner knew a vet from Brookings that I used to rent movies to when I worked for Rays in the video department. Small world as they say.
Anyway. Lucy will get that surgery some how, but I don't know for sure when I have to pay off the car as per an agreement with Chetco Financial. They agreed to let me keep my car if I agreed to pay it off in January, so there goes the money I would have had to get Lucy fixed.
I am sure I will figure out something, I always do.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Racism, Prejudice, how it affects us all
In my white bread little world, I haven't come across the types of prejudice that people in big cities take for granted and live with every day. I originated in a small town in Northern Idaho, and learned of a different type of prejudice, not regarding race, but gender.
At the time a small pat on the head by the person in authority, telling me not to worry my pretty little head over the problem, seemed a compliment. It was later that I realized that I wanted to be heard and taken seriously.
I could see that the person in charge would be a man, and he may not necessarily be correct, but the judgment would stand regardless, because he was “the Man” Life starts to count when you wish to be heard, and you want your ideas to come across, but you have to work harder at getting an idea across because of color, creed, or gender. In a personal way it pisses me off.
I never liked injustice of any kind; I like the truth to be told. I think there are times when people get what they deserve. There are times when life isn’t fair. Prejudice is unfair, it generates hostility. We all want what we believe to be justly ours; a fair chance, a good shake, acceptance.
Often time we don’t give a damn if someone else is suffering from unfairness, only that we get what we believe is our fair share.
Prejudice has been a problem since the beginning of time. Cain and Abel were the first brothers.
Cain blamed his brother Abel for his problems, and murdered him.
**Then the Lord asked Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?"
Cain answered, "I don't know: Am I my brother's keeper?"
God said, "What have you done? I hear the voice of your brother's blood crying to me from the ground. Now you will be cursed on the earth soaked with your brother's blood which was drawn by your own hand."**
Then Cain went out from the presence of the Lord.
So it has been that way since. We like to blame others for our dislikes and wrongs.
I think Prejudice has several possible causes.
(1) Jealousy
(2) Fear
(3) Lack of understanding
(4) Blame
When discussed further it comes down to a mistaken belief that one race, gender or religion is better then another. Where did this come from? People get angry enough to kill over these beliefs. We are all special…just like everyone else.
Some of our problem generates from the scripts we carry from birth. We are taught proper etiquette and what is polite to say. However we do not readily know if these scripts carry over to different types of people then we are used to dealing with. We are not sure, this can lead to suspicion and distrust.
A script helps us fit in; we do what is expected of us in order to go unnoticed.
If you ever listen to different cultures tell jokes, you will note that what one country finds uproariously funny, another will stare blankly and wonder what the punch line is.
This might be where prejudice comes from.
Whatever the cause of prejudice it is necessary to make it our own problem. We need to judge sources for our safety. We will always be wary of new things as human beings, this is necessary for survival. However let it not be because of a person’s color or beliefs, but how they carry themselves and if they are a good person
At the time a small pat on the head by the person in authority, telling me not to worry my pretty little head over the problem, seemed a compliment. It was later that I realized that I wanted to be heard and taken seriously.
I could see that the person in charge would be a man, and he may not necessarily be correct, but the judgment would stand regardless, because he was “the Man” Life starts to count when you wish to be heard, and you want your ideas to come across, but you have to work harder at getting an idea across because of color, creed, or gender. In a personal way it pisses me off.
I never liked injustice of any kind; I like the truth to be told. I think there are times when people get what they deserve. There are times when life isn’t fair. Prejudice is unfair, it generates hostility. We all want what we believe to be justly ours; a fair chance, a good shake, acceptance.
Often time we don’t give a damn if someone else is suffering from unfairness, only that we get what we believe is our fair share.
Prejudice has been a problem since the beginning of time. Cain and Abel were the first brothers.
Cain blamed his brother Abel for his problems, and murdered him.
**Then the Lord asked Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?"
Cain answered, "I don't know: Am I my brother's keeper?"
God said, "What have you done? I hear the voice of your brother's blood crying to me from the ground. Now you will be cursed on the earth soaked with your brother's blood which was drawn by your own hand."**
Then Cain went out from the presence of the Lord.
So it has been that way since. We like to blame others for our dislikes and wrongs.
I think Prejudice has several possible causes.
(1) Jealousy
(2) Fear
(3) Lack of understanding
(4) Blame
When discussed further it comes down to a mistaken belief that one race, gender or religion is better then another. Where did this come from? People get angry enough to kill over these beliefs. We are all special…just like everyone else.
Some of our problem generates from the scripts we carry from birth. We are taught proper etiquette and what is polite to say. However we do not readily know if these scripts carry over to different types of people then we are used to dealing with. We are not sure, this can lead to suspicion and distrust.
A script helps us fit in; we do what is expected of us in order to go unnoticed.
If you ever listen to different cultures tell jokes, you will note that what one country finds uproariously funny, another will stare blankly and wonder what the punch line is.
This might be where prejudice comes from.
Whatever the cause of prejudice it is necessary to make it our own problem. We need to judge sources for our safety. We will always be wary of new things as human beings, this is necessary for survival. However let it not be because of a person’s color or beliefs, but how they carry themselves and if they are a good person
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Tartuffe
Tartuffe
http://www.musearts.com/cartoons/theater/tartuffe.swf
We are reading tartuffe in Theatre class. I was hoping to find a movie of it to watch online. I found this one, (the link for it is above) It is Tartuffe put on by the guinea Pig Theatre.
Thought I would share
http://www.musearts.com/cartoons/theater/tartuffe.swf
We are reading tartuffe in Theatre class. I was hoping to find a movie of it to watch online. I found this one, (the link for it is above) It is Tartuffe put on by the guinea Pig Theatre.
Thought I would share
Wake Up!
Well it just goes to show you that you can live a moderate lifestyle, take good care of your body and still feel like crap when you wake up in the morning.
Janelle says, "Kayla, talk quieter, Gramma has a hangover." I looked at her in surprise, I haven't drank in forever, I just look like I do. (Where the hell would I hide a bottle in this household?)
I woke up stiff, unable to turn my neck and my knees are cracking.
I think this is called welcome to fifty.
Gramma Gladwill used to say, 'If I knew I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself." We all say that when things that used to work without a glitch are now complaining in pain from over-use. IF I knew then.. what I know now, I would have worked less hard, SHEESH!
I see nothing wrong with ME sitting on a throne, having my minions wait on me... "Bring me tea! Polish my toenails! Clean the house."The problem with getting older, is not only do I look unpleasant, but I sound unpleasant too. A simple request sounds like rounds of bitching to my family. I only asked!! They say, " OK OK OK" It can only get worse. I am taking my dog and moving up in the mountains. Even she bitches.
Janelle says, "Kayla, talk quieter, Gramma has a hangover." I looked at her in surprise, I haven't drank in forever, I just look like I do. (Where the hell would I hide a bottle in this household?)
I woke up stiff, unable to turn my neck and my knees are cracking.
I think this is called welcome to fifty.
Gramma Gladwill used to say, 'If I knew I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself." We all say that when things that used to work without a glitch are now complaining in pain from over-use. IF I knew then.. what I know now, I would have worked less hard, SHEESH!
I see nothing wrong with ME sitting on a throne, having my minions wait on me... "Bring me tea! Polish my toenails! Clean the house."The problem with getting older, is not only do I look unpleasant, but I sound unpleasant too. A simple request sounds like rounds of bitching to my family. I only asked!! They say, " OK OK OK" It can only get worse. I am taking my dog and moving up in the mountains. Even she bitches.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Leggings and Sweatshirt
Saturday Morning, with so many ambitious things on my mind, but the coffee is getting cold and I am still in my night uniform. Not pretty little nightys for me, I like the baggy sweatshirts and leggings. It is cold in my room, my hands are getting numb on the keyboard. The door frame is missing and I can see outside through the cracks, I think its about forty degrees out there. I suppose I should complain to the management.
I got a furry warm rug under my desk, she grunts in protest if I dig my toes into her soft coat.
Lucy the Labrador, my constant companion my best friend. She doesn't have a lot to say, she thinks barking is rude, but she grunts and makes interesting noises when she would like me to do something. This morning it was, "GET UP!" she put her face very close to my ear and "told" me in her strange language to get my lazy ass out of bed and feed the dog.
I would think she was human, except for two things that really stand out, her inability to resist rolling in something glorious, and her craving for garbage.
She likes to sit on the couch next to me and watch PBS. She especially likes history. And the occasional cracker I hand to her when I forget she is a dog.
She likes things done in the same way, she likes her dish elevated so she doesn't have to bend her neck to eat. She likes to be at my feet whatever I am doing, she offers suggestions for dinner. She thinks its a good idea for her to test dinner before it goes on the table for the kids. She is a very thoughtful dog.
She is gentle and generous, she thinks kids are ok, but doesn't get especially excited when they get up in the morning, unless they have food. Then she wags her tail and grins at them.
Her grinning is a bit offputing if you don't know what it is, she bares her teeth and raises her upper lip. I had never seen a dog do that before and thought it was an act of aggression only she never growls.
The vet told me it was a grin.
She grins a lot.
I got a furry warm rug under my desk, she grunts in protest if I dig my toes into her soft coat.
Lucy the Labrador, my constant companion my best friend. She doesn't have a lot to say, she thinks barking is rude, but she grunts and makes interesting noises when she would like me to do something. This morning it was, "GET UP!" she put her face very close to my ear and "told" me in her strange language to get my lazy ass out of bed and feed the dog.
I would think she was human, except for two things that really stand out, her inability to resist rolling in something glorious, and her craving for garbage.
She likes to sit on the couch next to me and watch PBS. She especially likes history. And the occasional cracker I hand to her when I forget she is a dog.
She likes things done in the same way, she likes her dish elevated so she doesn't have to bend her neck to eat. She likes to be at my feet whatever I am doing, she offers suggestions for dinner. She thinks its a good idea for her to test dinner before it goes on the table for the kids. She is a very thoughtful dog.
She is gentle and generous, she thinks kids are ok, but doesn't get especially excited when they get up in the morning, unless they have food. Then she wags her tail and grins at them.
Her grinning is a bit offputing if you don't know what it is, she bares her teeth and raises her upper lip. I had never seen a dog do that before and thought it was an act of aggression only she never growls.
The vet told me it was a grin.
She grins a lot.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
The source of my contention
It is hard to understand at nearly ten o clock P M why I am awake. I had five hours of sleep last night and I nearly dozed off in Shroedinger's class. Sitting straight up, eyes wide open and I knew that I was falling asleep. It was his fault mostly anyway.. Or my lack of time management skills.
He did give us two assignments, I dislike it when he does that. Especially when its two different philosophers, I just get used to one boring diatribe then it's on to something else. SOOO till twelve thirty last night I was struggling with my understanding and ended up just pulling something out of the hat to appease the wild beasty. The alarm goes off at five A M. I am thinking GAWD that's an awful song to wake up too, and I don't remember what it was, but it was vile.
Drag and bitch through the morning, struggle onto the freeway, drop off children at daycare, give my babies kisses, think about breakfast, and go to philosophy class.
Theatre isn't looking too good. I am thinking she is pre conditioned not to like my offerings. I need a good bribe.
Philosophy is doomed, but surprisingly, I am kicking ass in Psychology. Midterm I got an 88, and this last test I missed five out of twenty seven. I would have liked to get them all right, but it was a struggle. English 101? Who the heck knows. I really try to be nice in that class. More lessons in patience and dealing with lazy idiots, and I am not talking about myself this time.
Still need to survive two more months. A job would set things right, but not just any job, it has to coincide with my classes.
I am dumbfounded about time management and what goes where and who goes where. We are already getting ready to sign up for the next set of classes. I would like to take a math class, perhaps a study class, and another psychology. The fourth one can be something I like, maybe God forbid..Medieval philosophy headed up by none other then the magnificent Shroedinger.
He did give us two assignments, I dislike it when he does that. Especially when its two different philosophers, I just get used to one boring diatribe then it's on to something else. SOOO till twelve thirty last night I was struggling with my understanding and ended up just pulling something out of the hat to appease the wild beasty. The alarm goes off at five A M. I am thinking GAWD that's an awful song to wake up too, and I don't remember what it was, but it was vile.
Drag and bitch through the morning, struggle onto the freeway, drop off children at daycare, give my babies kisses, think about breakfast, and go to philosophy class.
Theatre isn't looking too good. I am thinking she is pre conditioned not to like my offerings. I need a good bribe.
Philosophy is doomed, but surprisingly, I am kicking ass in Psychology. Midterm I got an 88, and this last test I missed five out of twenty seven. I would have liked to get them all right, but it was a struggle. English 101? Who the heck knows. I really try to be nice in that class. More lessons in patience and dealing with lazy idiots, and I am not talking about myself this time.
Still need to survive two more months. A job would set things right, but not just any job, it has to coincide with my classes.
I am dumbfounded about time management and what goes where and who goes where. We are already getting ready to sign up for the next set of classes. I would like to take a math class, perhaps a study class, and another psychology. The fourth one can be something I like, maybe God forbid..Medieval philosophy headed up by none other then the magnificent Shroedinger.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Users are Morally bankrupt
I think hear the voice of reason. What is right and what is moral,
RULE number one in life, NEVER use anyone.
RULE number one in life, NEVER use anyone.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
There are worse things then being Mundane
You think your whole life is a movie in which you play the starring role.
Every song was written for you, everyone looks at you as you walk by.
Let me tell you, you just don't have a clue, it's not all about you.
You think that anyone that stops to say "hello" is suddenly taken by your charm.
You think you are so wonderful, no one would do you harm
you believe that your presence in a room, causes the light to shine.
You think you are so facinating when all you do is whine.
There are a million people just like you in the world, quit focusing inward and look about and see, there is a lot of good you could be doing instead of being so MUNDANE.
Things
Ok, priorities straight, and NO wallowing in self pity.
I need a job, Daine Bennet needs new jeans, sweaters, shirts, underwear, coat and shoes.
I need a few new shirts, not much.
I need to study hard and get great grades so I can bring some meaning to all this nonsense.
I need something sweet.. dark chocolate with macadamia nuts would be good.. sigh....
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
What's the point of this bullshit?
so you want a friend you say.
someone to watch movies with, drink wine with.. do things with.
you must be a friend to have one.
you must keep your word, do what you say your going to do, in other words strive to be dependable and trustworthy.
Do you know it isn't that you missed our dinner out, or you fell asleep, it's that you didn't bother to get a hold of me later. Like I was of no importance.
You let me down and you had nothing to say about it.
My friend Jenni from Colorado arrived in Boise that night.
I haven't seen her in 8 years.
She asked me to come out and have dinner with her and her sister.
I turned her down, I told her I had a dinner date, but that I would get with her the next day.
I sat home by myself and waited.
It's not just you, it's a lot of people who feel this way.
That it is of no importance to cancel plans, or not show up.
They also feel it is ok, to let it go, without an apology.
If it were me, I would be apologizing all over myself.
Maybe sending roses or a card.
I don't know what has happened to every day good manners but they are certainly in the toilet.
Now I have something to say.
Adios.
G
'Educational' refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.
-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)
someone to watch movies with, drink wine with.. do things with.
you must be a friend to have one.
you must keep your word, do what you say your going to do, in other words strive to be dependable and trustworthy.
Do you know it isn't that you missed our dinner out, or you fell asleep, it's that you didn't bother to get a hold of me later. Like I was of no importance.
You let me down and you had nothing to say about it.
My friend Jenni from Colorado arrived in Boise that night.
I haven't seen her in 8 years.
She asked me to come out and have dinner with her and her sister.
I turned her down, I told her I had a dinner date, but that I would get with her the next day.
I sat home by myself and waited.
It's not just you, it's a lot of people who feel this way.
That it is of no importance to cancel plans, or not show up.
They also feel it is ok, to let it go, without an apology.
If it were me, I would be apologizing all over myself.
Maybe sending roses or a card.
I don't know what has happened to every day good manners but they are certainly in the toilet.
Now I have something to say.
Adios.
G
'Educational' refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.
-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)
Saturday, September 24, 2005
OH No You Don't!
If we cannot escape bad times, we must indeed honor God, however, I think it's to God's glory to by happy, and enjoy our lives as they were given to us.
I have little tolerance for bad times, especially brought on by other people.
My husband was cruel, and I put up with it, and prayed about it, then the answer became very clear. Let him have his affairs, and leave him, and live the joyful life.
I am not saying that I haven't had struggles, but all in all, it has been a much happier road on my own.
I also, realize when I am in an unhappy situation, many times I can change it, by changing me.
I started out very helpless and I am becoming stronger.
We can say stronger in the Lord, but it is God who gives me the gift of gratitude, and strength, therefore I know it is mine truly.
I also notice in my life, when I am on the right path, doors open instead of closing in my face.
Since I started going to school, I have greater vision of what I need to do. In the past I merely endured, now I persevere
I have little tolerance for bad times, especially brought on by other people.
My husband was cruel, and I put up with it, and prayed about it, then the answer became very clear. Let him have his affairs, and leave him, and live the joyful life.
I am not saying that I haven't had struggles, but all in all, it has been a much happier road on my own.
I also, realize when I am in an unhappy situation, many times I can change it, by changing me.
I started out very helpless and I am becoming stronger.
We can say stronger in the Lord, but it is God who gives me the gift of gratitude, and strength, therefore I know it is mine truly.
I also notice in my life, when I am on the right path, doors open instead of closing in my face.
Since I started going to school, I have greater vision of what I need to do. In the past I merely endured, now I persevere
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