strong>Its been awhile since I could remember.<
Pain swells over me, I went from being important to nothing in a day. I am wearing a big grin on my face, but it doesn't show in my eyes.
I am being stalked by the grim reaper.
I woke up at 4:00 AM hemorrhaging, blood pouring from me so fast it bubbled. I thought of dialing 911.
I was afraid to move, I wondered if this was normal.
Washing sheets and jammies at 4:00 AM.
Sitting very still watching heavy metal videos. Thinking, wanting to write something beautiful.
It is 6ish now, the flow has slowed down, but I may not be able to go anywhere today.
Forever trust in who I am.
Remember, I am best on my own, I do not doubt me then.
Reece says, "being a free spirit has a price." Allison says, "Didn't you know that?"
NO I didn't know that.
If I quit paying the price I quit living.
I love him. I let him go.
I have to stop now.
I have to go on, I have to be a good mother to my little son.
Daine will ask, "where is Carl, mom?"
What sickly sweet answer will I come up with? Oh I can be good at deception when it depends on survival.
Another love affair bites the dust.
Switch the three diamonds to the other hand. The promise is broken, but I will not forget.
I wear the mink stole next to my naked skin, it comforts me somehow.
I do not feel real, I am only half here, I do not see my reflection in the mirror.
Reece says my eyes are very green.
I wish I could stay and learn more from her, she is a born teacher.
She has paid the price of being a free spirit as well.
She knows things, I can only begin to guess. She will approve that I am moving on, however melancholy.

The Boise People want to invite me to champagne soirees for the baby's. I dislike the tediousness of their
parties, finding that I am the most interesting person at them. The ridiculousness of their drunkenness and futility.
I will politely decline and walk the streets in darkness, I prefer my own morbid thoughts.

"Down With The Sickness" Music Video
http://launch.yahoo.com/video/default.asp?vid=1079702

I am curious, Do you fear death now?

know you used to tell me that attitude is 99 percent of the problem.
My attitude is up and down these days.
When you are so sure of something and have absolutely NO Doubt and it's pulled right out from under you
it leaves a person very confused.
I thought I knew that Carl and I were meant to be. My sister in Law Melody says,
'be prepared for him finding you in six months with hat in hand.'
I doubt this, Carl is a decision maker, one reason he attracted me so. He makes up his mind and he
never sways from the course, he says he will find me in a few months when he has the whole business
straightened out, but I think that may be his very first lie to me.
Allison says that I was his pet, that he never hoped to catch a butterfly so bright, but feared keeping it....
I may never know, some people say we aren't meant to always know everything.
I do know that my soul is weary and I miss my son. and living near Janelle will be a blast again,
we are so very close.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and for that we can be thankful."

Going back to Boise is stirring ghosts for me. I can't turn back the clock nine years and I don't want to, but I want the thoughts to quit churning in my head
I don't want to go to Boise, it feels like I am going backwards not forward.

One step forward, three steps back.

I quit crying today, I quit questioning and obsessing. Keeping busy is the best thing I can do. That and worry, will I be ready in time? Not if I sit on my ass and obsess about going to Boise.

I will make it a point to get to Elko and visit. It's not out of reach, only I cannot remember how to get there, I don't remember how to get to Boise anymore.

I don't remember how to get out of my driveway.

I am sad.

I miss Daine, I miss my girls, I guess Boise won't be so bad.

OH guess what? Janelle said, her dad is glad I am coming back, he says I should never have left in the first place. She believes he says this merely to annoy his wife.....

glenadusky@yahoo.com

So, I write your name with shaking fingers in the sand. I watch the tide wash it away.
You are finished with me whatever category I fulfilled for you.
Dreams are nice, but I always wake up.
This was doomed from the start. I broke rules for you. I challenged fate. I know what
is right, I must always stick to what I know.
This is goodbye, you do not fool me with your attempt to tell me it is for a little while. I already know
what you are afraid to admit.
You will not wake up in a cold sweat regretting what you have done, you will continue to get stronger every day
Tomorrow you will not remember my kiss.
I am going to love you for a long time, I always knew this.
I shall take with me what you taught me, and I will always cherish it.
In the meantime I will sing, " Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" at the top of my lungs, by myself and I will smile.
And I will live life, like this is all there is.... because this is all there is.
I am out of the box that was being lowered on me.
Every day one is stronger, regaining spirit. Hope comes again.

Goodbye yellow Brick Road, where the dogs of society howl, you can't keep me in your pent house, I'm going back to my
plow. Back to the howley old owl in the woods, searching for horney back toads, I finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road.
Fuck you Carl!!!

.I cannot believe

I just wanted to remind you what you are to me.
but I cannot but feel the dread, the impending doom, your going to leave me screwed and homeless.
This is what happened a year ago to me and Daine, August to be exact. This is the month my son died,
this is the month that I get screwed.
We were homeless in August, cuz patty changed her mind about us living with her.
We came to live in Cathy's back bedroom so that daine could be used and abused by her son.
I don't think I have it in me to trust anymore.
You always said, This is now, that is the past... I wanted to believe you.
I wanted my life to turn around. Its not going to, I don't get you, and I don't get to live and laugh.
You have truly devastated me, I will not recover from this greatest betrayal. Just so you know.
If I could die right now, I would.

So today I walked on the beach barely gaining ground as the sand shifted beneath my feet. Thinking: Life is like this at times.
Struggling to gain footing, nearly falling but keeping at it till you finally reach your destination.
I thought, how much easier the struggle in the sand would be with you holding my hand.
So it will be, you and I holding hands struggling together with the same goal in mind.
I will hold you up when you fall and you will hold me up. We don't have to do anything alone now, we have each other.
Like minded and very much in love we can go the distance together.
Hope I have imparted my deepest heart to you, my greatest love, my last love.

My computer is 7 years old. It has onboard componets, I have upgraded when I could, and have re-formatted and updated.....
NOW it politely tells me that it is going on standby... or it flashes me rudely then goes to the blue screen of death.
It changes the pixels so that the screen has a huge picture on it when I turn it on.
Sometimes for fun it hides the toolbar.
I am going to catapult it off a cliff.
We are past the best part of our relationship. Well I am not sure if we ever had one. Mostly it has tolerated me with amusement. I have put up with it because of necessity. Daine cut his teeth on it, Lucy acquired flea medicine because of it, I kept in touch with my family inspite of it... However I do not feel full of gratefulness, I feel agitation and ready to toss its pampered carcass off the nearest hill, with a WHOOP of JOY!!!
Ahem... Seven years is a long time in Computer years.
Besides it was an ungrateful rebuilt cheap Frankenstein piece of doo doo from the beginning.
SOOO Next you will be hearing about the new tower I am getting....... May we have 7 good years together.

A brief history of mankind
......So I wonder where I will be living next year? Seems pretty futile doesn't it? I cannot seem to stay on the right path.
OR if I was ever on the right path, I got kicked off somehow. Did anyone really love me? I mean truly? I think not.
It seems I can only get love if I am perfect. If I make a mistake they don't love me anymore.
I have till September, then I will have to move, but maybe I have to move anyway, I mean tomorrow? I got 12 bucks to last me. SO now what do I do? I Think I have trusted too much again. I seriously need to be safe and stable, I am none of these things.
I could be, I need a break, a streak of luck.
Too bad I loved him so much. Too bad. My gut belief was "Leave him alone till he is free, he will have so much baggage, and responsibility." Dumb me, I didn't stay away very well.
If I don't go crazy with longing, I will survive this too. If I quit looking back, and go forward, I will come through this somehow.
DAMMIT!
Daine is safe for the time being. I am just a disposable woman, not of any worth.
Nevermind, it doesn't matter.

After we got over the missing racing slug, we had an even more fun
experience with the lovely four year old.
My seven year old son was playing a video game, his sister (25) was
reading a book on the couch. I was napping.
Janelle looks up from her book and sees four year old Kayla singing and
cuddling something in her arms. She says, "what do you have sweatheart?"
Kayla says, "My baby, mom."
Closer inspection... it was a dead rat, quite large and quite stiff. I hope
she hasn't traumatized the child with her screaming. Our trusty roommate
removed the offending "baby".
Kayla was sad to lose it, but Janelle showed her that her stuffed kitty
smelled nicer. ( after she scrubbed Kayla with hot water and soap.

Red Rocks Amphitheater

Daine's birthday is tomorrow, and I thought it would be amusing to catch him a big ugly revolting slug, and tell him it was his birthday present.
After all there are slug races on Sunday at the Azalia festival. This is one BIG slug. I think he is very fast too.
So very fast that he came up missing.

Janelle: "Daine! where is your slug?"
Mom: "EWWW Gross, find it!"
Daine: "You find it, I didnt ask you to give me a slug."
Mom: "Well I did give you a slug so you need to find it."
Janelle: "Mom! I found him, Gross!"
Mom: "Gross? Oh, don't tell me, is it in one piece?"
Daine: "did someone eat it?"
Janelle: "No, I don't know how to explain where it is."
Mom: "Well I am not going to look."
Janelle: "it's in the stereo, do these speakers pop off."
Mom: " it really is a racing slug."
Janelle: "we need a lid on that slug's container."

So, we are easily entertained.

You are the most exciting, loving, generous person I have met in my entire life.
I sit here alone each morning thinking of ways I can help you, and I can not come up with anything.
Baby, IF I could be there for you I would, it's making me crazy knowing you are drifting in and out of pain and conscienceness without me there.
My love for you is strong, and pure, my love for you is unselfish.
NEVER do I want to be in a position where I cannot be there by your side for everything you have to go through.
I want to be your rock as you are mine.
I know that love like this only comes once in a life time, at least, I know that it is only once in my life time.
I sit here crying, and I know you would not like that, but I cannot help it.
It is like a big bear has been brought down in the woods with a single arrow. (Promise me you will never shoot bears)
I know you are strong and healthy, and I have great hope that all of your strength will be returned to you.
Soon you will be on the hunt again, better then ever, and I want to be there cheering you on.
WE love you.Life could not be so awful that I cannot have you for the rest of our lives.
I am looking forward to that day when I get to call you mine and I get to be by your side.
Your lover, concubine, wife, friend, greatest admirer....
Glena Jean

Mary Tyler Moore
You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you.

The Last Unicorn Says

It is all good.
Every path I take, everything I learn.
I give it to God, I actually never took it back.
You know what I mean.
I gave you to God as well, perhaps that will be my un-doing.
My head is up, my eyes are open, my hands outstreached. I am ready to receive, are you?
Love me Back

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.
Incubus

My dreams are dust
Why didn't you leave me alone? Why pick me up, only to let me down.
I remember I said, I would be happy for what ever I received and I would be fine when you left.
Stupid. I forgot how love feels.
I forgot the physical pain that another person can cause.
It would be better to be hit, then to feel this pinching in my chest.
You are not going to hurt like I am, I remember what you said, and it was very enlightening.... You don't remember what love is anymore. Be very thankful that you don't, it's not worth the pain. To remain dead inside is safe.
I have to thank you for reminding me of my place.

Hooray!
Don't know what we are celebrating, but I feel it coming.
It is the time of the impending doom, it is almost here, the finalist. One more time together I know.
When did it switch to misunderstanding from great appreciation? When did it start to go sour?

I think he changed his mind somewhere along our path, and I did not recognize the signs. I did not see it coming.
I won't be a project, I won't be put down, I will be forgotten.
BUT I shall never forget, Love is not for me, I really let myself love this time, I really believed.
There will never be a next time, I know when I am being dumped. I know that I allowed ten years to fall before I fell in love, and I know that I was right to guard my heart. Now the pain is so complete, I feel my training in pain must be over, I have graduated.
I feel a big fat broken promise is about to be sent my way.
To this I say, "Fuck It!" It is hardly of any importance in the scheme of things.
I am going to Las Vegas, and I am going to start anew.
I know that I will never never do this again. I fought it from the beginning, I must have known in the back of my mind he would pull away, he would become scared.
I have myself.
I should never dream.

The Last Unicorn
It has occurred to me that I have been reading that book for some 30 years now.
First in school, then to my husband, now to my 6 year old son.
Daine sits very still while I read it.
The words paint pictures in his head.
They made a cartoon out of it for children, which was stupid, it's an adult fairy tale, I wish the guy that made lord of the rings would get a hold of it.
I just bought the book again for the third time. My original copy is very worn out. The second one I bought for Chelsie a few years back.

We are at the part where Schmendrick the Magician helps the unicorn escape the evil witch mommy fortuna.
Then daine went outside and caught a snake, he was very proud of himself till it bit him...
I told him that snakes don't bite. WELL they never have me.
He didn't seem to put out by the whole thing.
He is sporting a big black eye, one of my daycare kids threw a dog toy at him, and it him in the head... of course.
The wounded Viking.
He is back in his own bed again, after a week of telling me that the walls close in on him in his room, and he is afraid that someone will try and kill me, so he has to be with me.

I go to the disposition on Monday. Carl is coming up for moral support. Kevin is taking the day off to watch Daine. I still don't know what I am going to say,My friend Christopher explained to me that they will sentence Patrick at this time, because Pat confessed they won't actually have a trial. That is why its important to me to say my piece it will effect what happens to Patrick. I still don't know what to say, I have kicked it around for nearly three months now. Words cannot describe what has been taken away from all of us as a family, and what my baby has had to go through, physically and emotionally.
SO pray for us, the time is at hand.
Love Glena
(I think I AM the last Unicorn)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

You don't fear making plan's a year in advance because you don't fear death.

I do, I think I will be swept off into oblivion at any given moment. This was a strange and terrible burden for me since I was about five years old.
I think of death as my conscienceness being snuffed out. Like my soul will be gone and I will cease to exist.
I know what the bible says, and I know how it is interpreted, however, how many people do you know that have come back and told us about it? That thing about the light at the end of the tunnel is merely self hypnosis before the BIG FAT NOTHING. That is what I secretly think, but I believe in God just in case.
Do you think I am insane?
If I am it's been fun at times.

All is well in the St.Kevin/Dusky household. Carl left Saturday and it seems like months since I saw him. A few phone calls a day are not enough, I need a new hobby beside obsession.
The ill mannered un-washed children are fighting all morning. I have put a stop to it several times. I am thinking of buying a garden hose. I will turn it on them next. AHHH yes this is my true calling, everyone says so.

Mr. Long term Insurance
I dont have any freaking insurance. K???

I am up late, and I cannot sleep, I prefer not to tell you why, but here goes.....
I miss you, I love you, I desire your touch.
You melted the Ice Princess, and I think you know.
I told St. Kevin, that if you are through with me, I will never love another man again. OOH yeah, it sounds so damn dramatic... BUT I mean it baby. After loving you, no one will ever do.
If I could unleash my shyness and tell you... I have many images of your sweet face. Your sincerity when you told me that the fishing was lousy, your optimism when you offered me San Francisco.
I will be an old lady some day raising cats, and my favorite memory will be of you looking at me and explaining that the fishing was lousy and you were up here to see me. I am honored. so blessed that a man like you could love someone like me.
You are so amazing. OH honey I hope you are truly mine.
I love you so much it hurts to breathe, tonight I sleep alone.
All I can see is that sweet mouth of yours.. The one I could kiss forever.
I wish I could kiss you again. I wish I could make you smile.
Carl I love you so much.
Love me back

Tortured Noises
Ok
honestly I am not doing very well. I am at the point of giving up.
When I look back I seem to be a failure at everything. Taking full responsibilty for my failures, I try. I seem to be a target.
I am so overhwelmed, I don't know where to start anymore.
I give up, I am going to ask my brother to come and get me.
I feel so pointless.

http://duskydawn2.tripod.com/duskyscellar

(Dear Glena,)
REMEMBER? this is why we don't drink.
Love; your Brain.....whats left of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unplanned party here last night. I hate that special time at 3 A M when you are trying to get your unwanted guests to go home.
Why do they think they need a kiss goodbye?
My kisses are all taken.
Right now I would be like kissing the inside of an ashtray.
Remind me NOT to do this every again.
I had guests in my bed so I got the couch. Kevin didn't come home last night, wouldn't he have been surprised!
houseful of beer and smoked cigarette butts.
I feel very shitty, I expect I look very shitty too, and there is a godawful smell emitting from my pits.
I outgrew this years ago.
MAAAAAA

Allison Jr.s mom called and asked if she could go out tonight and I watch her kid, I said why not, I am sitting here doing nothing anyway.
Allison is going through this long drawn out speech about what a boring day she had, and Daine is listening to her politely.
He breaks my heart. He listens politely and when she is done he runs quickly up the stairs before she goes on. Funny.

I don't think too many 6 year old boys are that polite with little girls having a bitch fest. Reminds me of adults.
Men nod and listen, women go on and on.
Bob asked me out several times again. I am thinking "NO, is good, NO NO." not sure how he misintreprets NO.
It's nearly 11:00 no Kevin, I thought he was due back around 8ish.
We don't have the kind of relationship where I am allowed to get worried and call the police. He is either here or he is not.
If he is abducted by aliens they will give him back I am pretty sure.
Allison is not happy about seeing me on a saturday night. Her mommy never goes out. I told Allison that her mommy works very hard and it's ok for her to go out. I give her permission, lol.
The other thought was, Tony (Allison Jr.s Mom) could stay here and I could go tie one on. I am in the mood.
I like to dance all night long, and walk home in the early hours of morning. Always by myself, I am a wild child with a high standard.
ahh too much information, I apologise. STILL no Kevin.
Nothing new here, stagnating and thinking to much.
Later Gator.
New name is Gladys Carp

I am suspicious by nature, so I can accept the perfect man is married, because if he was single it would be something worse.
I DONT think we will end up together, because I am truly in love.
HE is the one for me, no doubts, but it will never happen because I wasn't destined to be happy. THERE I said it..... I am gloomy gus

For all their promises they are after all only Men and they don't use their brains in the same way WE do.
Why trade a 35 year marriage for someone you have known under a year?
I can provide that small service that he doesn't get at home. SO we know what that makes me.
THIS is just NOT ME. I walk the straight and narrow path of dignity, and now I am head long into a scandal and love affair that would rival a 1920's movie star.
I want to start my life over again.

Daine is back in his own bed, and he asked me to get rid of some toys that pat had done something to, I don't know what, but Daine has an association problem with them so out the door they go.
I told him that I am like that too, if something bad happens to me and I was around some thing, it brings back bad memories so I have to get rid of it. Like the alarm clock I used when we stayed with Cathy, I hate it now. It reminds me of hard times.
Since I moved his bed to the southwest corner of his room and took the loft legs off of it, he has slowly been going back to his room to play. The memories seem to be fading

News just in
Life officially sux
I know the perfect man for me.
He isn't free.

Dear Jenny,
It is so horrible it's unspeakable. However, I am on a campaign to stop the silence. I am the fortunate one because my little boy told.
Very few children ever report this crime. about 3 percent I think.
My boy is very different he trusted his mommy to stop the pain.
Now he sleeps on the floor in a nest with his toys surrounding him for protection, and clings to my side, and as I said on my blog (online diary) I pulled him out of school.
I did that online diary several years ago as a way for my kids to keep in touch with what I was doing. Then I saw it as a way to spread the information that I am not allowed to talk about until Pat goes to trial.. RIGHT! AS IF!
everyone in this town will know about this predator when I am done.

Kevin the roommate, had a date over last night, I got to reap the benefits and eat his excellent lasagna.
Maria brought a present for Daine, girlscout cookies. I was immediately taken back to the time you and I sat in beanbag chairs and listened to Styx, and ate two boxes of cookies.
You are right, if we saw each other it would be like only yesterday.

Pray for us, I do, and I still pray for everyone else. My sanity is in question, at least I feel like I am unraveling. I do not know if I can speak at the trial, I break down into tears very easily, even sometimes looking at the soft cheek of my darling baby boy.
Wondering what I should have done different? I never leave him alone now, I let him play, but I always am a heartbeat away from him.
He knows.

I didn't want Ronny to be right... however, it seems that it has begun, at least a little, and where my boy is concerned I am very picky about his life conditions.

His first grade teacher (The Anal Retentive one) pulled me aside, and like some sooth sayer, said that she had noticed Daine acting out.... "hmmm she said, when did you move into your new home??" I said December.... "AHHH right" she said, "thats when Daine wasn't acting out. But... Now he is again." I asked what she meant by ACTING OUT? she said, "well... he just doesn't seem right.."
Whatever!!
Then she dropped another bomb..
"We all decided", she said...." that if Daine ever needs to talk, all he has to do is say so, and I will send him to the councelor's office."
I said, "NO, I don't like that, he has a councelor, and I don't know this school councelor, and I don't want other people talking to him. I have no idea what type of training she has and NO< NO< I don't want Daine singled out... he is suposed to return to a normal life..."
Then she dropped bomb number three.... this gets really good.

"We are going to study, bad touch, and good touch next, week, and anatomy". I said, "OH? Why? Why now? can't you wait? I think you are opening a can of worms here, and I don't think Daine knows appropriate times to talk and when not to."
I personally feel that she thinks of Daine as soiled, and doesn't want him around anymore.
I told her, that I wanted him in first grade full time, he keeps missing out on activities that mean a lot to him. (He goes to kindergarten in the morning and first grade in the afternoon, a program called K-1, for kids that aren't quite ready for first grade, but have past kindergarten.)
She smiled and said," we will have to put that to the board". I could see the distaste on her face when she looked at my son, clinging to my leg at that moment.
He had been waiting outside, and decided that I had been talking to his teacher long enough, and knocked at the door and ran to me and wrapped around my leg.
Daine and I see the councelor Tuesday at 6 PM... I will put it to him, he was a school teacher first, so he will know what can be done.
Janelle wants him to be with her. They have a school next door, and he will be with his nieces again. She isn't worried about inappropriate content, she has known Daine all his life and loves him more then a brother, like he is her own baby. I am afraid to send him to You, because that would be such a big change, and I know that he has been through hell and back.
However, I don't want to send him anywhere. I will be devastated without my son.
I will talk to the councelor and see what he says, I don't think I can make a fair decision. The outcome is what is best for Daine, and Damn everyone else.
It seems the pain doesn't go away, and Patrick is going to school everyday, like nothing has happened. Meanwhile our lives seem to be spiralling downward.

Dear Judge
upholder of truth and justice......

Let all the preditor's know, they have a friend in Brookings Oregon. This is the place that you can stalk and abuse small children and get off with a hand slap!
You can start your own club and be president.
Come one Come all! We are going to the Freakers ball!

I am so angry right now, that I am paralyzed.
Daine sleeps with me most of the time, before this happened to him he liked his own bed.
Sometimes I look at that soft rosy cheek on the pillow and listen to the soft
breathing, and I think only a monster could take a child's trust and use it in such a way.
He doesn't want to leave my side, now that he has told me, he doesn't feel safe
unless he is with me.
My brave little boy with the infecious laugh has become introverted and afraid.
He suffers from stomach pain and headaches, and still doesn't know if he can control his bowels.
IF Pat gets off without punishment, I am afraid that I cannot go on.
I have to believe that justice will be done, I have to believe that some stupid bleeding heart liberal, won't let the blue eyed child preditor loose
I have to believe this was all a horrible nightmare, and I promise I won't ever eat pickles before going to bed again..
Make it go away.

the day the music died




Denial is over, the worst has yet to begin.
No more, " Pat has a different story." will be told by the
unknowing mother.

Pat's stories are over.
Pat was once a young child being brutalised by someone, no one
noticed, no one came to his rescue. Now Pat has graduated into
a practiced Pediafile. He cannot be saved.
Pat systematically set children up, bribed, cajoled,
threatened, then molested them for personal gratification.

How can you push this under the rug? it's a fact, it happened,
and has probably been happening for years.
The question is, who did this to Pat? Who robbed Pat of his
childish innocence, used and abused him and made him keep the
secret?

I am sorry that no signs were noticed, that Pat went on alone in
his world of pain and rejection with no one to hear his silent
plea's for help.
No one heard Pat.
Someone heard Daine however, and Pat must be stopped.

I think Pat is very far gone, anyone that can molest a small boy
when others are present in the house, and act as if nothing is
wrong, can stand by and watch the same child's humilation
because the child can no longer control his bowels, with a cold
and uncaring eye, and can accept money with a smile for baby-
sitting, is beyond my comprehension.

We failed Pat, let him be the last child, let us open our eyes,
and keep our children safe.

Education stops abuse, we must tell the story,
and we must tell it Right.

I once knew a woman who sang the blues, I asked her for some happy news, she just smiled and turned away.

(American Pie, Don Mc Lean)

I WISH

I wish there was a way to take back harsh words once they are said.

I wish there was a way to change a path you took when it turned out to be the wrong way.

I wish I hadn't eaten that left over sandwich :((

I wish my brothers could understand that I am not the total flake they think I am.

I wish I could re-write history.

Oh how happy I would be.

Warning.... this is graphic material




Daine and I have been through hell the last few days, I haven't told anyone. I wrote this letter in my mind to Cathy the woman that we lived with last summer,I won't be talking to her, but if I did, this is what I would say.
The experts say that Daine will be fine.... but will he?
Glena







How dare you tell me, "We know that Daine lies."
We both know that Daine didn't lie. Patrick hit him that day that I told you, then told you a farfetched tale that YOU bought, because you are in Denial. YOU decided that your son didn't hit Daine, even though I heard the smack, and saw the welt.

Kenny knew something. Remember when you were Correcting Kenny, and he changed the subject with "Patrick isn't what you think, there are things about Patrick you don't know." and you immediatly assumed that it was drugs and started going on about, "Pat you have to tell me if its drugs."
I watched Pat's face go white, and I knew that it wasn't drugs.. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was something terrible.

Meanwhile he had been sodomising Daine all summer, leaveing bruises on Daine's back that I couldn't connect to any normal activity.. (GAWD was I naive) Daine's bowels started exploding at that time... guess what? that is a sign of SODOMY.. Sodomy is what YOUR Patrick has been doing to my son, WHO incidently Doesn't lie. YOUR son lies, and rapes small children, and hits them and threatens them with harm.

Your son is already dead, do you know that? There is no cure for a pediafile, Patrick is a pediafile.
I wish Patrick had to go through the examinations, and pictures, and Questioning that my BABY had to go through yesterday.
Pictures of Daine's Genitalia, Rectal exams, Penis exams...
All this because Patrick treated my child like a cheap sex toy, all this because, YOU are an overbearing, controlling, in denial, lying stupid bitch... DO you think I want to talk to you? DO you think I have anything to say? YOU thought me weak, you thought you could manipulate me like you have your children and husband, but it aint going to happen, YOUR going down, your main concern is money, well get used to being poor, I am suing you for everything, do you think I am paying for the medical and the therapy that I need to get for my child?
Isn't it ironic, that Pat accepted money for watching Daine? He got money and sexual pleasure as well, what a deal.
We think he molested Cole your neighbor, and he tried Bradley but Bradley ran away, and Daine had to stay and take it up the ass.
Isn't it wonderful that I raised such a loving sweet trusting child? and your raised two Sociopathic pieces of shit? Your mothering skills make this world a more dangerous place to live. THANK GOD you only had two, and they will both be in prison before too long anyway.
These monster's didn't happen over night.. they were created over the years, get some counceling for yourself while your at it, and try to listen..
Don't call me anymore, I don't want your friendship. I dont want your disease.
I always cringed when you handed out your advice to everyone in earshot. I felt you were so clueless. I knew that I could never talk to you, you would not get it, YOU thought you were the enlightened one.

ARE you still trying to say, my son lied, or was mistaken? or on drugs after you and Pat got to talk to the police yesterday?
It wouldn't surprise me.
I want apologies, I want money and I want Patrick in Jail.
I want you to pull your head out of your ass, and face this awful truth, I had to. I had two nights of no sleep because I couldn't get the pictures out of my head of your son pushing my child into the bed rails and sodomising him till he begged him to stop. Then Daine going into the bathroom and facing further humiliation because he couldn't control his bowels. Guess who was first to condem Daine's Hygene??? YOU of course...
I want this to end, and I want my child's innocense back.
I lost my job because of this, possibly my future in the daycare business, thanks to you, everything is messed up, thanks to your horrible monster, my son will have to be monitored.
go to hell.
Glena

My Yahoo!
I didn't want to post a new blog.
I wanted to read the old stuff. Driving Dain to school, looking down at the sea from the road through a ring of trees. I told Dain, this is the unicorn woods. He said "Why?" I told him because it is always spring, and where a unicorn lives it is always spring. This is from the book by Peter S Beagle... called "The last unicorn"

Down to nine dollars.... need gas in my car. and I am out of eggs and TP..... how far can nine dollars stretch? Enquiring minds are about to find out.

Alarming Barney

Well I figured out why Barney bugs me so much.... not the fact that a giant dinosaur with an annoying voice is cavorting around with children, but the age of the children..
Here are these kids nearing their teens and they are singing little alphabet songs, and playing baby games. THATS IT!
IT'S not age appropriate.... thankfully, I have solved this mystery after all these years, I know you will all thank me later.
(Especially Janelle and Chelsie, I know they ponder these things constantly)

After a rousting game of. " HI HO Cherry O", we discovered that "Babe" was on cable. Daine is engrossed. He remember's that it is Janelle's favorite movie. He knows this and I watch it with him with a touch of nostalgia... Where did the time go? OH Janelle if I can offer any advice it's..... "enjoy those baby's while you can."
Cheryl was here to see me, I watched her 25 years ago when I was a young mother in my early twentys... no matter what you think, that time surely will end and you will be an old mother or a grandmother... Time doesn't wait for anyone.
I looked at the scrap book, of Cheryl and Bradly when they were small. Time marches on... Cheryl is in her thirty's and a missionary in India.. Bradly is married with children of his own....
My babys are grown and on their own, with, or without anything I might have taught them.
I am thankful that I have Daine. He and I danced to "Brand New Day" by Sting. Neither you or Chelsie likes Sting.... Daine can dance awsome to Sting.
I miss you
Momma

but my scotch is all gone, and I am bound for moving on. I'll look for you if I am ever back this way.... right... bugger off.

Moving into new, over priced expensive nice house. What a mess.....

Yahoo! Mail - glenadusky@yahoo.com

..Enter Fool
It was so cold today, I had to pry my car door open.
I think I have a good grip on reality lately. I Shall wait and see what topples me next.
Daryl sent me and e-mail that if I wanted to get steamy he could come down to Brookings and put the light in my eyes.
I Decided not to call him.
Am I about that? no.... however it is a good thing I threw his phone number away even so.

Nebulous, Serendipity, Ethereal
I don't feel real. I feel disconnected.
I am she who waits.

OK enough marriage and sulking..... I have reason enough to sulk, but I am not.
I am busily (is that a word) plotting my happiness.
Inspite of factors out of my control, I will be happy DAMMIT.
I approach life with cabbage salsa and hot orange reboks. I sit on a rock and overlook the small boats on the sea. I look on in horror as the dog lopes up to me smelling of dead things.
I walk along the river and smoke, smoke, smoke.
I sing when I feel like it. Sometimes I sing when I don't feel like it.
It's all good.

Just to let you know whats going on in my life, message from cousin, and my answer back.



----- Original Message -----
From: Pat Tanner
To: sand_shoes
Sent: Sunday, August 10, 2003 1:51 PM
Subject: Seaside


I am not sure how to say this so I am just going to say it.

After meeting you I don't think you will be able to make it in Seaside through the winter. This is a hard town and you don't seem to have what it takes to make it.

Then your comment about how JIm shouldn't treat me like that about the house really pissed me off as I don't want you in my business I can see that now.

I would suggest that maybe you go back to Brookings or down to wherever Ronnie is as this will not work and I see no sense in pretending it will.

Pat
----- Original Message -----
From: Glena Dusky
To: Pat Tanner
Sent: Sunday, August 10, 2003 6:54 PM
Subject: Re: Seaside


I am certainly sorry I hurt your feelings, I didn’t' mean to, I know how loyal you are to your job. I was very hurt and confused when you told me Jim wouldn't allow us to stay with you. I think you are a wonderful and dependable person.

I will come to Seaside as I have to now.
You see, I had the truck ordered, friends coming to help etc.
If you don't wish to see me, I will honor your choice.
I am not sure exactly why you are so angry with me, as I have never meant you any harm, and I would not wish to be in your business. Occasionally I might say something that was best left unsaid, I think everyone does.
Once again I apologise.
My mail is forwarded to your home, I will rectify that as soon as I can get a post office box.
I hope you understand that when you asked us to come, I did set the ball rolling, and some things cannot be undone.
My home is sold and I must clean it for the next people moving in. I haven't found a job here either.
I have no place to go, and interestingly enough, if you had only called me a few moments sooner, I would not have payed my bills and I would have more money to work with, but be that as it may, everything has a reason.
If you wish me out of your life only say so, I never wish to disturb anyone, or hurt anyone in anyway.
Sincerely
Glena

Do-Over
Daine says when you screw up on a game you get a do-over
Can I have one for this whole summer?
I am suposed to leave town in a few days. My cousin calls, and lets me know her Landlord won't let her have anyone living with her. Even Temporary.
We have a truck reserved, friends arriving, favors promised, phone scheduled for shut off, mail changed to Pat's house,Promise of Job in Seaside... well maybe on that one.
Yesterday I get a JOB Order from the Unemployement Office.
NOT one all summer mind you, but tomorrow. So I have to go out on a job interview. There is a minute chance they will hire me.
Can I have a do-over?
Diane has been here all week, running her booth at the fair.
She is very upbeat and optomistic. Actually, I would rather have a root canal then help her at the fair. One is certain that the small amount of money involved will not be equal to the extra stress this has added to my week.
So I am asking, what do I do?
I guess go to the job interview. If I get this job, I have to find a place to live here. Very soon, like RIGHT NOW!
My cousin was searching for a place for me to live. We were thinking studio apartment for 240.00 a month. I think I can do that. THEN what if's....... What if LazorQuick printing doesn't hire me? What if's... I am suposed to have a long life so sayeth the psychic. I rather doubt it, will the stress eating away at me.
Daine was able to ride some rides at the fair yesterday. Four of them, he had so much fun. My joy was watching his face.
He has to stay at the fair for several hours while I help run the booth. He gets so bored, I tried to find Chelsie, she is living in Eugene now, or so Janelle thinks. Chelsie would have been a lot of help to me right now.
She doesn't let us know where she is. SO perhaps she doesn't want to be found.

It is 104 degrees. I am wilted. I don't believe I can take much more of this.
Two weeks to go, till we move. Tomorrow would not be too soon.

Never pass up an opportunity to pray
Yesterday as I was taking the garbage for a drive around Roseburg, I thought, my life is funny. Is it cuz I see it that way, or am I just hilarious?
I was searching for the dump. I wasn't finding it. I thought I had a good idea where it was, but somehow it remained hidden from me, and my trash in the trunk.
It stank.
Eventually ingenuity (or stupidity) prevailed and I saw someone driveing with a pick up truck full of garbage. Daine yelled "Mom, follow that truck!" I agreed.
We followed him to the dump... by then I was on the correct path anyway.
My son thinks I am hopeless. I assure him I am not lost, but he never believes me anymore.
We celebrated afterwards. We bought some "spoil Daine" toys at Walmart. I don't have the money, but he was lonely for company, and I figured I could find him something to keep him busy.
Walkie Talkie's, spy Glasses, and some sea creatures that grow in water. He was busy for hours. I am thankful.

All we can think about now is moveing. Step two.
A young man just showed up on my porch selling devotional books. I am out of money, so he prayed with me.
Never pass up the opportunity to pray.
Son is quiet... he is still at the age where I check on him from time to time.
Later Gator

I am wondering about my strength of character, my judgment, my ability to make a simple decision.
At least when in a partnership you can discuss it.
I moved to a place that has closed a mill with 400 lay offs another mill to follow with 200 employees.
I am under qualified for every job I have applied for.
I have lost time and security by leaving Brookings.
Daine is having a hard time and feels very insecure right now.

I would head back to Brookings but for a few factors in the way, (ONE) I don't have the money, (TWO) I don't have a job, (Three) I don't have a place to live.
I think I am supposed to leave Brookings anyway. You could find a good job, but if you ever lost it you would be dirt, there isn't work, and the cost of living and rent is HIGH.
There are not programs, there is not help, do not kid yourself.
IF I were another color, I might be able to get some assistance. BUT overweight, over 40 and single doesn't count as a minority.... HMMMM I think it does.
I am lonely, I am afraid to leave the house. I have applied for countless jobs, and I haven't had any luck. STILL I think I am supposed to stay here, Patience isn't one of my better virtues, but A WHOLE MONTH!! you think I would get something.
One of my Brookings girl friends wants me to Join the Mormon church.. AS IF>>> There are times when I feel very close to packing it in. I don't quit praying, but I am hoping I can learn something positive, I am hoping I can still hold my head up and take away some understanding that helps me LIKE me. I don't like me much lately. I seem to be gullible and trusting, I don't lie, so therefore I don't understand people who do.
I have ZERO tolerance for abuse. Living with Michael taught me that. NEVER will I allow someone to hurt my children. But I have been hurt time and time again, I don't understand it. I guess I need to trust that I am in the right place and all comes together for good to them that Love God.

Some Relief please.
Its hot, I am tired of filling out job applications till my fingers hurt so bad I cannot hold a coffee mug.
Just hand me a job, a home and daycare. Fanks.

MMM OK< I gave him a cloth diaper and a squirt gun and asked him to wash my car.
All was quiet for 15 minutes. I got concerned and peeked outside.
HE was upside down on the windshield of the car, he was wiping it off. Very ingenious I thought. BUT we couldn't have that. I brought him inside, he was soaking wet and hungry. That worked, I had fixed him his favorite dinner. Teriaki chicken and baked potatoe.
Before that we had made home made clay, and designed alien worlds. I have plastic fish and shells, Daine enjoyed creating.
I am Out of smokes, that is on my mind. I haven't bought cloves in three weeks. I don't know where to get them here. I would like one about now. I smoked a half one this morning, and that is it.
I usually don't notice I am out till the third day. ahh I took the day off from looking for work. Tomorrow I better get back on track.

I like William Blake, Thank's Buddy.
I got a few things straight, I appreciate your words. I think visiting my cousin Patty is a good idea. AS long as she knows I am not interested in being a Mormon.
Lately I am hearing it again.
No that is not the path I should take, this I know.

ON ANOTHER'S SORROW


Can I see another's woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief,
And not seek for kind relief?

Can I see a falling tear,
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Can a father see his child
Weep, nor be with sorrow filled?

Can a mother sit and hear
An infant groan, an infant fear?
No, no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

And can He who smiles on all
Hear the wren with sorrows small,
Hear the small bird's grief and care,
Hear the woes that infants bear -

And not sit beside the nest,
Pouring pity in their breast,
And not sit the cradle near,
Weeping tear on infant's tear?

And not sit both night and day,
Wiping all our tears away?
O no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

He doth give His joy to all:
He becomes an infant small,
He becomes a man of woe,
He doth feel the sorrow too.

Think not thou canst sigh a sigh,
And thy Maker is not by:
Think not thou canst weep a tear,
And thy Maker is not near.

O He gives to us His joy,
That our grief He may destroy:
Till our grief is fled and gone
He doth sit by us and moan.

By William Blake

It is Wednesday the 2nd. That is going to mess me up all week. The third day of the week, the second day of the month.
I missed Maktub, it was a band I was interested in, and NOW I see on the Roseburg Milk carton, they were playing yesterday at some park I have yet to find. I headed off for Grants Pass today, I merely wanted to buy milk and a few things to eat. The spoiled one talked me into a squirt gun. He was already outside trying it out. I hope not on the kid that gave him the bloody nose last night.
Daine is a bit block headed as all the Dusky Males must be. I have no idea what to say to him half the time.
When we got home from the store this evening, Lucy had had her revenge, there was garbage all over the house. She is a bad dog... NOT.
I took them both to the river today. We did find that. I watched Daine's head bob up and down, and comtemplated saving him. He seemed to do ok, he is a bit of a drama queen at times.
I think we will definately go back to the river. It is hot here, I am not used to it. I am not used to being lost most of the time. I would like to go back to Brookings and hide out from life. I think I have to stay here and experience personal growth or some horrible thing like that. I would just RATHER NOT, if you don't mind.
I am still looking for work. Wondering about Daycare and a place to live. I would like them all close to each other. SO I drag my feet, I don't know where to start. Job requires daycare, Daycare requires employement... Still need a place to live... that requires a job. Where will Daine go to school? HECK WITH IT< I want to go home to Brookings, I had a good school for Daine and a great Daycare. HERE< I have nothing and I am totally afraid.

I am way out of my comfort zone.

It's true, of the many things that I am, humble is not one of them.
I might suffer from low self esteem, fear of my lack of abilities, all in all, I think I am a mighty secret weapon.

I am overwhelmed. I keep waiting for the police to take me away. Where will they put Daine?

The Beaver tried to have me arrested on assault charges tonight
He told the nice officer that I had come after him with a knife... IT was a cake server, and I didn't come after him, I threw it. I have a rug burn on my face where he shoved me into the carpet. HE has missing hair. well he is going bald anyway. I always thought that women who brawled with men were white trash..... and still his horrible after shave laces the air... including the new added feature of bug repellant, which didn't improve it as much as I hoped.

I was so proud of myself. Holding it in, biting my tongue. keeping my knowledge of his actions to myself.

THEN, he grabbed Daine out of bed, pulling him toward the bathroom. Daine had left a toy in there... I said "Hey wait a minute Jim, what's this about?" He told me to mind my own fucking business....right?? did he realise that DAINE IS MY BUSINESS! I saw the look of resignation on Daine's face and my brains screamed NO NO NO! I promised he wouldn't touch Daine again. Then... whatever it is inside of me took over, I had no recoures but to separate from myself and watch. The Red Haze of temper taking charge of me. I told Jim if he even looked at Daine again, he was going down. But I couldn't stop, I went on and on, everything had been holding in for the past month. I told Jim I had filed a police report, and if he so much as breathed on Daine I was calling them in and haveing his ass arrested, I said, "YOUR days of abusing children are over You shit eating worm." OH but I couldn't stop even then. I told him I was out of here, I told him I knew about his phone calls to assorted women, I told him that I wrote them all and revealed what a jerk he is. Somewhere inside my brain I was telling myself to stop, but I couldn't, I had to go on and on. Jim told me to get out, and I told him I would stay here as long as I dammed well wanted to, that he stole this house and had no more right here then I did, and he better leave me and Daine alone or else.... I was shaking so hard, and I think my neck hurts from my head spinning around like a scene from the exorsist.
He then got on his computer and emailed his latest conquest, "KATY!! Come back to me, my ex girl friend broke into my house and trashed my computer1"
OOH jeez what a worthless lyer he is. NOW I have to get out quickly, burning bridges with expert aim.... My son looked at me last night with the most amazed expression. I have never let loose like that before, and I blame Jim for that too.
My son knows that I am evil now, I had hoped he wouldn't find out till he was older.

Its like bowling for friends lately, I lost three in a week. ONE might suspect the problem lies within me.......NAAAAAH
Probably the friends I choose. Self involved, judgemental, rule making bastards that secretly wanted the Glena Booty, ample as it is...
Jim made a rude remark about my bubble butt... I said, "Look here, Many have killed for this ass." Always stuns him when I don't get defensive. I like my bubble butt. so there.
He made a move for Daine last night. I stook up, and gave him the green eyed look, his hands fell to his side. I will kick his scrawny ugly little body off the porch if he EVER touches my son again. HE IS GOING DOWN!

Goodbye, he says Three years.. of judgement, withdrawal. guess it is time for goodbye then.
I haven't a lot to say, I am too busy trying to keep my head above water, and I am more than a little afraid. Those people who call themselves friends, have conditions, regulations, contracts, rules, I don't call that frienship.
If you love someone you must accept them. Funny, many people don't get that.
Love has Rules one must follow. True, we shouldn't push to the limit. All I asked is acceptance, support. I feel very free, lately. When everyone goes, and I am left alone, I still have my self respect. I still think I did the best I could do. Next time, I should pull out the crystal ball before I jump into a new situation... SHIT I did it again, oh well Roseburg here I come. My best friend is coming with me. The one that I Fight for, the one I will always love the best. Baby Bennet.

Would you prefer I sell my soul instead of my body? Would you prefer the good fairie came down and gave me a place to live?
Money doesn't appear, jobs don't fall into my lap. Things break down, child needs to eat. Dog gives me reproachful looks.
I am in trouble. I am without, and no, I did what I thought was right, I was wrong, but it doesn't mean I deserve this.
All those that judge and point at me, can go flush themselves down the toilet.

I am heading to Albany Oregon, I lived there in the eightys, and when my husband's job transfered us, I thought it was the end of something beautiful. I would love to go back there, and after checking rent in Brookings again.....900 dollars for two bedrooms, GET REAL!!! I am hoping to head north. Wish my fears didn't out do my optomism.

Things are strange here, and odd game of cat and mouse.
Jim nearly peed his pants when I got up around 11ish to go the the bathroom, he was busy typing away, writing letters to the love lorn, explaining that he is their knight in shining armor. IS it bad karma for me to allow these women to find out for themselves?? I feel sorry for the next one in line. Who ever she may be.
Then he comes to bed and plants sweet sloppy kisses on me.
I wonder if he wants me as well as keeping someone else on the hook.
I am a bit perplexed and amused by the whole thing.
He is far worse with Daine too, so this weekend will be good to get away, we are staying with some friends, and I told a lie....
I said I was visiting a cousin Ruth and applying for work, the work part is true.
I feel bad about telling a lie, but then again, I feel in this case, I have to survive, and the only way is to play this game, that I don't know whats going on.
He really thinks I don't know.
If I move to Albany, big burley men will come down and load the truck for me... ahhhh my idea of a great day.

Today I am haveing emotional overload. I cannot do it. I will be living in my car as of June 12TH, God please be on my side.

in the beginning.... he was so thoughtful, just little things like leaving a towel out for me, or fixing me a cup of coffee, but soon he was unhappy with everything. It took very little time. Poor Jim, I feel very sad for him, this is the rest of his life, miserable, going from woman to woman, because he will never find THE ONE, until he becomes a real human being.... boy thats deep, better write that down,

When you are living in a 'bad situation' you realise your not all that you thought you were. We gotta live through the bad in order to appreciate the good.
Heard "YOU DONT NEED ANY FUCKING WATER" shouted last night at a small and thirsty person getting himself a drink at bedtime... SO now he is limiting Daine's water?? Already Daine has to hide in his room, is not allowed to eat with us... GAWD How did I not see this coming? Read his ads he is sending out. He says he is a calm quiet man, who doesn't sweat the small stuff. EXCUSE ME< whats this thing about Daine not being able to have a drink of water?
OH he is honest and a light drinker.... GAG GAG RETCH PUKE>>>>>>> He is still looking for the one? I hope he finds her, but I think it is going to have to be in HELL< the type that could put up with his shit would have to be very SPECIAL indeed.

It would have been funny if it were not nearly true
The Beaver comes home from work whenever he feels like it. I think he gets off work around 4ish then talks to his friends for a few hours, he has been averaging 7:30-8:00 PM... oh well whatever!
I used to wait dinner, then I realised once again who was being punished.... Daine.... the one who is the most loyal and loving of all. Well, enough of the boring set up. ]
It is amazing to me how The Beaver could be so important to me, but soon after the taking advantage of, the lack of appreciation...etc.. I start planning his demise... I should have guilt that I have wished him dead. I wish I could poison him and get away with it. He is of no possible use to anyone. IN FACT the world would be a better place without him in it. He has traumatized his ex wife, his children, his nieces and nephews, and his family long enough.. they love him they put up with it... I DO NOT LOVE HIM... ok I digress.
Well the digitalis came to mind (fox glove grows all over here)... instant heart attack, but it can be traced. SO I just fixed him a nice dinner and swallowed my guilt.
I brought it to him as usual. Damn I am a good maid, come to think of it!
He started picking at his dinner, then looked up at me and asked me....."There isn't something in here that will give me the shits for weeks is there?" I told him that is was fine.
I had to wonder.... is he as stupid as he looks? OR am I that transparent?
The world may never know. ; )

I have my plan B into effect.
I talked to a friend of mine in portland. He said when I am ready he will loan me the money to get out.
So first I am going to sock as much money away as possible... kinda hard on 200 a week.
Then storage place, then slowly pack and get things into storage.
Right now, Jim is mellow and acting half way normal again. All I have to do is let him bitch, keep my mouth shut, and all should work out to the best possible end.
Bill was ticked that I had got myself into this, but I explained that I had to get a place to live, as unemployement wasn't enough to support my rent, car, insurance etc....
Anyway, Do not worry. This is manageable. IF it gets to the danger zone, Bill will send me the money to get me out. I do not wish to ask for his help, but I will. Nothing will happen to my son. This is not a healthy place for him.

Happy Birthday DEEEER Glena
OK. yesterday I get a call from the school, Daine had an accident. He ended up in the hospital with six stitches, I shall spare the boring details. Jim still isn't speaking to me, this is a good thing lately, as he is the most complaining bitching person I have been around in a long time. I told him I had had enough yesterday and took a drive with Daine and Lucy.
GAWWD IT'S so exhausting being a perfect Goddess in an Imperfect world.
Jim's low self esteme and misery are beginning to rain on my happy parade. I am on the road I want to be on, and if he doesn't get out of my way I shall be forced to run over him. I am thinking about alternative living arrangements. Money is all I need...hmm and Maybe a Plan. Still I can't help but be happy, its my nature. I love him, but it will be easy to leave him.

My now empty life is wrapped up in one bare nail in the wall above my bed. That single nail held a picture of the love of my life as I held her on our wedding day. It had collected dust there for over 17 years. What have I done with the picture? Why didn't I take better care of it while it was at arms reach? Why do I see it's true value and miss it so much, now that it's gone? Where has it gone, and will it ever return? Will it ever hang on a nail again. Will another picture ever hang on it's nail? What pain in one simple nail? How will I ever sleep again, staring at one bare nail? The picture of that nail lingers even in my confused daze. What dreadful questions will tomorrow bring? Why do my darkest days always bring me back to this anonomous stage?

Darkest despair?
now there's an interesting thought. Life has had some strange twists for me, and I still think I wouldn't take any of it back. Except for the loss of my first son. Losing a child never goes away, it stays deep inside you and the memorys pop up at the strangest times.
Daine was a surprize. I always call Daine my viking warriour.
For the longest time friends thought his name was viking, cuz that's what I always call him.
Daine came to me when I was forty. So as he would say, we are both five now.
Only the little smart ass is now telling people his mum is Forty Five, and he is Zero Five.
He is the child of my old age, he makes me laugh, breaks my heart. My wishes and dreams follow him.
The child of my heart, the son I wanted.
Sometimes I Fear he is only with me temporary, so I cherish every moment with him.
He is a bit indulged, not spoiled, just cherished, listened to, hugged and loved a lot

Feelings of Divorce
Take the love of your life,
your friend, your lover,
your confidant, your rock.
Hold her by the hand and
feel her soft and silky skin.
Place her delicate little finger in a vise.
Then slowly, very slowly tighten the vise.
Listen to her scream in agony.
Remember all the things
she's done for you.
Watch her writhe in pain.
See her struggle for escape.
Look into her eyes,
as the tears stream down her cheeks.
Hear her beg for relief and
feel the bones crack in her hand.
Watch the skin split
and the blood drip on the floor.
Read the thoughts and feelings
etched on her face.
Then leave her alone for a while,
and return to release the vise.
Only to realize that she's been doing the same to you,
and you've both been doing the same to your child.
Repeat this torture every hour ,
of everyday, for weeks and months.
Then and only then will you understand,
the feelings of divorce.

"To bed to bed", said Sleepy Head, "Not so fast" Said Slow, "Put on a pan" Said Hungry Nan, "We'll eat before we go."

I will now describe my youngest daughter's truth.

It is a bright blue trailer, nestled among two lanes of screeching traffic. The bums outside harmonize with the night sounds of badly tuned up cars, and the police sirens sing her to sleep.She makes so many friends because of all the nice people who crash their vehicles in her yard, and all the tow truck men know her by name.
Her yard is populated by lush goatheads and boyfriend, Don spends his time hollering at the weed wacker. The white floors of the trailer are charmingly dirty, no matter how many times she sweeps the floor, and the beautiful windows.....well....won't open. Hahaha!
Don got some carpet from the bar he works at and so when she gets more black lights her house it will look like a dance party! she already has a disco ball. And she has the most beautiful furniture! a reniassance bed, and her couch looks like one of those antique couches, it's all green.....they are good decorators! Her cat, Tarod Lord of Chaos, is around, but his brother Death Scooter ran away (or maybe roomates stole him because he disapeared under suspicious circumstances)Her job sucks,as the telemarketer from hell, but the people she works with are cool, and it's a pretty easy environment. Don has a job now, and two paper routes, so they should be able to pay off bills really soon, and then maybe go back to college!

I noticed that Jim was scanning ads on Yahoo Profiles Tuesday. Shopping for a new woman I supose.
I thought he should have a more truthful ad. I fixed it for him. Rather doubt he will appreciate my work.
I can't help but wonder what his game is? Do you think he is looking for another woman and going to keep me on till he can snag another one? I am left thinking that must be the plan.
I am going to listen to his argument tonight, He doesn't know that I know about the want ads.
ANYWAY. when he is done I have a news flash for him. We have three choices. (1)I get stuff together and I go back to Brookings.(2) He immediatly compromises his attitude about Daine and quits woman hunting. (3) I live here, but move into Daines room for a temporary fix till I can get out more suitably.
(4) He dies in a horrible well drilling accident....OH I Said three didn't I? Just Kidding ; ))

Magic is thinking of you, :)
I didn't sleep well last night either?

What is really going on
As for HIM... I will not compromise. HE better ease up, the boy is five
years old, and doesn't have a mean bone in his body.
Daine does as he is told and is eager to please.
His crime?
He ran through the house to the bathroom.
His punishment?
No TV or Computer.... I told Bone head the punishment should fit the crime
and should be instant, NOT this wait 24 hours to exact justice crap.
He told me I had a big mouth.(actually a Goddammed big mouth)
I told him he needs parenting classes.
I visualized packing all my shit last night, over and over, needless to say
I didnt sleep very well.

I am so OUT OF HERE

I am going to miss you, well a little. You don't know children, though you think your a fucking expert on everything that is. What a pain to have to move again. I got a place to go, and I can line up a storage place. I can do this. I vowed early in my life, my children will never be treated like shit. I was given a gift and I am going to honor that. Anyone who doesn't understand can step aside. ANGRY? Yeah, I am angry, you don't even know the half of it.

Days are falling into routine. Kid off to school, work on squeezing stuff into house. Sigh with the dog. I love it here.

Till death do us part? then he wouldn't die, he never kept his word, damn it!

Live in the now, don't worry, all will be revealed.
My life? nothing is perfect, but everytime I am about to give up and run, something special reveals itself. Wanna join me for coffee? have I got a story for you.....ha ha ha.

Til death do us part
I hope to never hear these words again.
Not from my mouth, nor the mouth of my daughter.
Nor the mouth of anyone else.
How these few words will forever weigh heavily on my heart and mind?
How will I show excitement and happiness when I hear them again?
How can I be encouraging to my daughter when she considers this phrase?
Knowing what the future will most likely bring.
How will I ever utter these words again?
Without reliving the pain they've already caused.
How can these words be spoken twice by the same heart? Or can they?
How can I ever believe this phrase again?
Nothing is "Til death" when it comes to humans.
Will I always feel this way?
Will I forever battle the darkness left behind by simple words?
Only til death do I part.

Here I sit once again,
after a long day's work.
Wondering about my long lost friend.
I hope she hasn't the time,
I hope wants all she finds.
But still I sit and wonder.
Where's my friend?

Four days, so many ways to show I love you. Hands touch, Minds search, we were meant to be. No "if only's" dull our day, we live in the now.

I can't write I can't think, assailed by deepest despair. I sit here heart in hand, knowing I lost somewhere along the way.
Making my way alone once again.

Time for change.

So, he is homeless and single again. Heading back to Brookings Oregon. I have to move and get an unlisted phone number.

Love Spell Time Up deep in the woods, where it is very dark, the fire burns low, we stare into the flames and we recite.

I will take you anyway I can have you baby.
I will cheat
I will dance in front of the full moon, and fill a champagne
glass with moonlight, and drink it while whispering your name.
Draw your name in the sand and let the tide take it out
I would
To keep you with me, I would make a pact with the wind,
and renounce my beliefs
I know
I think we knew each other before somehow,
cause you feel like home to me
it comes from my heart, I am not good with words
I don't understand poetry.
I don't have to.

Olivia Jean Mitchell Turns one years old Tomorrow

People say: "Oh you have been hurt before." and I think: "I've done my share of hurting others too. I don't know which is worse, being the hurter or the hurtie." One has guilt, the other pain.
My mind knows that I have to risk being hurt, if I want to share life with someone else. But when it's hurting, my heart can't seem to get past the pain.
Ah, the constant struggle between the mind and the heart, logic and emotion. At times, I wish I had one, without the other, but I can never decide which one I want. Mostly I wish I could figure out how much of each I should use at any particular time.
Seems like it's always one or the other, never a balanced mix of the two. Maybe it's like oil and water, just won't mix, or maybe like a rotten potatoe, one spoils another.
Who knows, I guess it's just life.

People say: "Oh you have been hurt before." I answer "who hasn't?" it's not about that, its about NOT wasting one's time on unpleasant people. Time is, Time Was, Time is to come.
I want to make the best of what I have, I don't want to be bothered with people who waste time complaining about nothing.

What I want To speak my mind and never hurt anyones feelings. To be able to tell dream world from reality. Security, hopes and dreams realized. A special someone to share it with.

What I want!
One day without darkness, one day without despair.
One day without tears, one day of cheer.
One day of happiness, one day of fulfillment.
I know it's out there, I just have to find it. Just one day.
And then I'll make that day last forever.
If not, I hope that day is my last.

This morning he tried to feed me his breakfast, and I said, no sweety I am full I don't need anymore food.
He said, "You gotta eat mom."
I told him, "NO I am getting fat, I have to watch that". he said "Is it my fault for feeding you?"
I said "No its my own fault."
He says "Mom fat is good, go ahead and eat.
Whats the worst thing if you are fat?"
"I can't run and play anymore."
He said,
"Thats just life mom."
I said "Get in the car Daine, I will drive you to school now."

Daine's Definition of "Martin Luther King"
I know who is Martin Luther King is, mom. Once dark people got to sit at the back of the bus, and all the white people had to sit up front. He changed the laws, now, because I am light, I can sit at the back of the bus if I want, and the dark people can sit up front. Isn't that right? mom, mom mom......

26th of May 1963, 11:30pm
Welcome to the world. I was the 4th of 5 children, first boy born to very traditional parents in the rural farm country of western Tennessee. I was born at the Nautilus hospital in Waverly, TN, with Dr. Walker delivering me. My parents were thrilled to finally have a boy after 3 failed attempts. It must have been a very warm spring because Dad says that the corn was already high as his head by the time I was born. Mom told me that my being a boy made them both very proud, especially Dad. Dad gave Mom something very special while she was still in the hospital because she had given him a boy. I know this because she later gave the special item to me, but I can’t remember what it was. I was to be the one to carry on the family name. That’s too much pressure to put on a small boy. I didn’t realize it then, but I was always under that pressure. As a matter of fact I was named exactly as my Dad.
Wallace Buford West II, is quite the name for such a little boy. At the “West” family functions, I was always called “little Buddy” and Dad was “Big Buddy”. Too much for a little boy to live up to and too demeaning as I grew older. Even though I am now over 40 years old, I’m still “little Buddy”. As fine of a man as Dad is, I am not a smaller version of him. I am my own self, with completely different wants, needs and desires. It took me almost 40 years to figure that out. I had always tried to be just like him. I respect Dad, but I no longer strive to be just like him. He is a wonderful man, and trying to be like him has made me more successful than I could have imagined, but I can’t be like him. I have discovered that there are many things that I thoroughly enjoy which Dad would’ve found to be a waste of time and effort. After almost 40 years of striving, I am now stuck in a life that is falling apart because I’ve made it something other than mine and it’s not what I really wanted. My mistakes, not anyone else’s. I haven’t much of a clue as to who I am and what I want to do now.
Some of my earliest memories.
We lived in an old farm house on a small farm. It had three bedrooms, Mom & Dad had the front room, Kathy and Kim shared a room, as did Beth and I. I think all the kids slept on bunk beds and I was on the bottom, but I’m not sure about that one. The only heat source was an in floor furnace that was just outside the bathroom door. On cold winter mornings, we would all crowd around that furnace and wait for the bathroom. On real cold nights, we would hang blankets over part of the doors and we would all sleep in one room, the dining room I think. The doorway between the living room and the hallway had beautiful French doors.
The first TV I remember was black and white. It had something wrong with it and we’d have to stomp on the floor every few minutes so it would shake. If that didn’t work, someone would have to get up and give it a good whack to make it work again. That was the only way to keep it working. Us kids were the remote control. Turn it up, turn it down, change channels, were the orders when Dad wanted it changed. It only had 3, maybe 4 channels and even then the antenna had to be adjusted fairly regularly. Dad would climb up on the roof to move the antenna and someone in the house would yell “Better” or “Worse”. On stormy nights it was just worse.
We had pigs, cows, horses and a dog and maybe chickens, I’m not sure. The dog’s name was “Snowball”, because he was all white. He was a mix between a shepard and a collie. He would always greet visitors at their car door and gently bite them on the wrist and lead them to the front door. Some of the horses names, Nabby, Bess, Chigger, High Pockets. It’s funny, I can remember all those, but I can’t remember my own pony’s name. Why not?
Duke’s store was just up the road and we would beg Mom for a dime, so we could go to the store. I can remember during the hot Tennessee summers, burning my feet on the sun heated pavement while walking up to Dukes. Mom told us that when she was a kid they would cut off a piece of the road tar and chew it for chewing gum. Her tar must have been different than ours, cause I tried it and yuck.
I think we could buy either a candy bar or a coke for that dime, but as I remember it, cokes were primarily a grown up thing. Duke’s had everything, groceries, hardware, plants for the garden and lots of other stuff. I can still remember the smell of Duke’s store. There was an antique store next to Duke’s and I can still remember it’s smell too.
We either burned our garbage or fed it to the pigs. I was afraid of the pigs. We didn’t have much garbage because we didn’t throw anything away. We used paper grocery bags for garbage bags because we couldn’t afford the plastic bags. At the dinner table, we would pass the dish towel because we couldn’t afford paper towels or napkins. We grew a lot of our own food in a garden and I suppose we may have raised beef and pigs for slaughter, but I don’t remember doing this real early. I know we raised some beef when I was several years older.
My three sisters
Kathy Sue is the oldest and her birthday is the 26th of March, 1959. She and I were the closest. I’m not sure why, but I can speculate that it’s because she was the oldest and kinda looked after me. Even though I’m almost 40 years old, it’s still that way too.
Kimberly Jane is the middle girl and she was born on the 3rd of March, 1960. She was always “Little miss goodie two shoes”. She was Momma’s little girl.
Mary Beth was the youngest girl and closest to my age. She was partially named after Mom. She was born on the 19th of November, 1961. She and I were rivals, we constantly fought, played and fought some more.
Benjamin Corey was my much anticipated little brother. He was born on the 8th of October, 1973, ten years younger than I. Finally, a brother, I’d always wanted one. I remember the day he was born. It was a school day and I was in Miss Spicer’s fifth grade class when someone came and told me that Mom had the baby and it’s a boy. As it turned out, he came too late to be what I wanted. We aren’t and never have been very close, just too many years between us and I had left home by the time he grew up. We really grew up in two completely different situations and even different generations. I was the 4th of 5, while he was much closer to being an only child.

What I want I want cheaper rent, a bigger place, nice landlords, a good job, and PEACE of mind.

Daine and I put the Christmas tree up yesterday.
After a sign from God, I decided to skip lights this year.
(I plugged them in and they blew a fuse, and exploded the lights.)
Daine reminded me in his quiet gentle way that I can be very anal.
We were hanging up ornaments and I was explaining that you have to place them
a certain way and all facing the front. Perhaps I got a little over zealous with my
instructions?

Daine said "Mom your going to spoil my Christmas if you don't stop"
The cat is delighted, Olive is delighted, and Kayla is in constant trouble for touching
the tree!!
SIGGGGHH
Christmas!

We don't like Pumpkin Try explaining to a five year old, that you cannot save pumpkin for next years' Hallaween. He insisted I cook his pumpkin which (I'll get to it later Mitchell) didn't get around to carving with him and the Empress. She (Igtilm) host's Naked pumpkin carving every year, but this year her school and Dwain maintance took time away from her.Hallaween came and went, and we have two pumpkins left.
She gets her organizing abilities from me.
The Viking decided that he didn't like pumpkin after all and would save the other one for next year.
Vikings are not known for listening to reason. Actually men in general.
But I digress. We have pumpkin cooked. We can feed it to Olive, make pumpkin bread, or feed it to the Viking anyway. It won't be the first time he ate something that he was not fond of. We are soaking the seeds in salt water, next I bake them in the oven till they are crunchy.
After several hours of work we get a handful of seeds ready to eat, the kids eat them and say, "WOW why don't you do this more often?
>:((

Lucy is quietly standing up finishing the left overs from Daine's dinner Daine is playing Ninetendo. I am writing on the blog, and all the maids are in the garden hanging up the clothes or something.... FUCK.

Dinner with the German
He soaked the turkey in a brine of One gallon of water, 1/2 Cup of salt, 1 Cup of brown sugar One orange quartered and squeezed into the water.
Soaked that bird for 12 hours.
Then he baked it at 500 degrees for about 35 minutes. (It smoked, so did he! whoo hooo)
then he took it out, covered it in foil and baked it at 350 degrees till nearly done, took off the foil turned up the heat a bit. and baked it till done.
The white meat was just like butter, it melted in my mouth.
I was most impressed, but I would hesitate to tell him, that he over salted everything.
Big time over salt, it spoiled the flavor of the gravy, but to each his own.
he served it with a vile concoction of cooked purple cabbage doused with cinnamon.
My stomach was going to remind me about that cabbage later.
I asked him if I could do the dishes, and he said "NO", and went off to do them.
I sat in a chair watching some violent movie I didn't want to see, and drank my wine.
Apparently too slow, he came back and sat at his computer, and gave me a weary look, "I go to bed in an hour." He said.
I felt like apologizing suddenly.
Sorry, I had eaten his dinner, Sorry for the condition of America's insurance plans, Sorry for our poor medical coverage, Sorry that I was breathing air that was necessary for his survival.
I said, "Oh thank you for the lovely meal, I was just leaving."
He gave me a tight lipped smile.
I was still offended that earlier when I asked to use the bathroom, he said very stiffly, that he didn't have a bathroom for my use, that I would have to go upstairs to my room.
It did not compute, so I said "where do you go? outside?"
he was not amused.
He said, "NO I have one in my apartment."
He was annoyed at having to explain himself.
So I went up the stairs to pee in my motel bathroom, I was a bit bewildered, but then I thought perhaps he has a severed head in the sink and doesn't want me to see it.
Or maybe he thinks we vile lazy greedy Americans have cooties?
However it was nice to have a room for free, and a good meal, and even the dog was invited, I just couldn't figure out how I went from date to Unwanted pest.
Some things are best not explained, just left.
I enjoyed some of the day, the rest doesn't need to be pondered.

Heart of Hearts. One call, and it is good. Love, oh useless love. It will never be brought to fruition, he is the reason I will be alone for the rest of my life. Passionate nature squelched. No one knows the real me. Only one there will only be one great love in my life, he just happens to live in Scotland. The reason I can write with such sickly sweet clarity. Oh heart of hearts. Still.....