I started to

Dainish is sick, body aches and sore throat and that constant groaning... I made a heat pack out of rice and lavender flowers. I heated it in the microwave for five minutes and put it on his sore back. He was amazed at how something so simple could work like that.
I had to sew it by hand, I gave away my new sewing machine because I can't see to thread the damn thing. Eventually I will find me a simple singer. All I need is straight stitch and zigzag, I don't need fancy stuff. I never will be a seamstress or creative like my daughter Chelsie
Janelle put Daine on her cricket phone plan, now he has a cell phone again. RELIEF! I don't like having no way to get a hold of him.
I started listening to a teacher on YouTube this morning, talking about how we let fear override our lives and prevent us from what we want to do. It was pretty good, but I lost interest when he got into the benevolent God bit. YEAH YEAH YEAH.
I might go back and try again when my mind is better able to be reigned in. Whenever!
I want to know how to over ride fear. Fear has been my main source of misery since I was able to form thoughts. Fear of being left, fear of not being loved, fear of saying something stupid. Fear to try, fear not to try. Get rid of fear you get rid of most of your hangups.
NOW I have fear of commitment, but so to most eligible men my age, so that keeps me safe, ha ha ha

Sheer Genius

Sunday!! No one asked me. It crept up too fast, and I haven't done the mountain of paperwork that I have to turn in tomorrow. AND James is jumping on the keyboard again, I am going to withhold food from Mr.fat-asstanstic if he doesn't knock it off. I was trying to read a book last night while watching CSI-Newyork and he planted himself on my chest. I can feel the acid coming up my esophagus now, and being aware of it makes me even more anxious. I have had two attacks in the last week, and I can't see any rhyme or reason. If I am having the annoying tickle in my throat and my voice keeps catching when I talk, I Expect I will have a breathing attack somewhere in the dark reaches of the night, but then nothing happens and I sleep through the night. THEN when I have a relatively good day, I wake up gasping for air with only the barking sound of my vocal cords spasm. The dog runs under the bed and the cats scatter. Daine usually jumps out of bed and comes running to see if I need assistance. I have no warning. I can't tell when I will and when I won't.
I went to the animal shelter on Orchard on Friday, the strong cat urine smell was nearly my un-doing. I was going to volunteer with MD but I Don't think I really could stand it for an hour. I had no voice the rest of the day. HOW do the caretakers stand it? It has got to be doing some damage to their lungs, I mean this is eye watering cat piss smell like I have never endured before. Maybe MD and I will go to Caldwell and volunteer there with the animal control there. He would probably like that better, there is more for him to do.
NOW the rest of my day, vacuum, take out garbage,dust, laundry, change the cat box. Break into song and dance.... Play with grand daughter.

To Dwain

You trade what you have for what you don't know and hope you will be rewarded for your bravery.
It isn't bravery that leads you on but cowardice and laziness. Your own reality is tied up with pretty pink bows and you star as the hero with issues when in fact you are the villain and have made a grave mistake. I wonder what will happen when you realize what you have left behind?

I'm a Loser by Beck

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie
With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
Kill the headlights and put it in neutral
Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control
Baby’s in reno with the vitamin d
Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love-seat
Someone came sayin’ I’m insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Don’t believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park

Yo. cut it.

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

(double barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Forces of evil on a bozo nightmare
Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber
’cuz one’s got a weasel and the other’s got a flag
One’s on the pole, shove the other in a bag
With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job
The daytime crap of the folksinger club
He hung himself with a guitar string
A slab of turkey-neck and it’s hangin’ from a pigeon wing
You can’t write if you can’t relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax fallin’ on a termite
who's chokin’ on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheese whiz)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(drive-by body-pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
Soooooyy....

?em llik uoy t'nod yhw os ,ybab resol a m'I rodedreP nu yos
[It's the Chorus backwards]

(I’m a driver, I’m a winner; things are gonna change I can feel it)

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(I can’t believe you)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Nlehh...)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Sprechen Sie Deutsch hier, Baby!)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(know what I’m sayin’? )

A different approach

I am still smarting over the "talking to" I had at work yesterday. Especially when they hire people like Goofy who is politically incorrect to the Nth degree. Janelle says, that I have the habit of saying the wrong thing to the people who matter. What I said was, "his parents have a lot to be thankful for." Somehow that translated to, The other kids aren't as special as "HE" is. WEll if you are going to infer things, get ready because I am full of the wrong thing to say, and I will probably do it again.
Not being perfect, and when people pick over every sentence and examine every word, I get even more tense and say even worse things. AND one of my favorite thoughts, "it is what it is." AND If they knew what I was thinking yesterday I would be fired. Thankfully no one can read my thoughts, well, maybe mine just a little bit.
The troubled kid "with issues" I had to take around shopping for three and a half hours wanted to look at guns... and my evil thought was, SURE! Give a retard a gun, this is good stuff here. I Told him that if he bought a gun I would not be able to transport it because it was against policy... SHEESH I was fast on my feet yesterday. He was full of violence yesterday, Talking about killing cats, and shooting people in the knee and defending his family against intruders. I think I am in a bit over my head.Everyone is a stupid asshole and no one knows what they are doing and Obama makes the prices too high at Walmart. Reminds me of someone... That's the paranoia. I do hope they don't ever put him with goofy, that will be the end of civilization as we know it. SIGH>>> Friday I am taking him to the animal shelter to volunteer taking care of CATS, I shudder at the thought.
Goofy set off my aspy kid in December by saying, " I bet Santa didn't come to your house" Chortle Chortle. You cannot kid around with an aspy kid, they take everything at face value and most of them do not joke around. He was told he was good, and he was furious at the inference. He started screaming and kicking. Goofy made it worse by saying, "Crabby today aren't we?" Chortle chortle. I walked my kid away and told him, he was teasing you, of course we know you were good. Calling him Aspy kid is "LABELING" you know, I am sick to death of the social worker mentality that everything is good, and a gift and we are all the same and have something to offer society. I think not. AND kick me for saying it. I think this little guy is going to be a successful adult, and I Think his parents are over reacting by labeling him aspy, because he seems normal to me, a bit spoiled and a bit hyper. Goodness knows what I have had to overcome in my life, and I wasn't labeled and given an old granny to take me shopping twice a week. I would have liked that. Especially if she had taught me math. Today I have Dr. A, which I don't even know what I am going to tell him, I feel like I am on a spiral to hell and there isn't enough time to tell it all in thirty five minutes. Then I see T my aspy kid which I wont' call him that anymore because I might slip. That would be workplace suicide. One wonders why the focus is on me when there are teenage girls there discussing their boy friends and movies in front of their charges, and taking them shopping with their friends and ignoring the kid they are supposed to be helping. LOTS of stuff going on that is far worse then my motor mouth.
AND I don't believe justice will serve itself either.

15402

Bat Shit Crazy

One step beyond just plain crazy. It is usually a temporary thing...sparked by something unexpected, or just really awful.

Finished

If you do the same thing over and over and FINALLY get the results you were expecting does that still make you crazy if it worked? Just wondering. I followed the rules, my friend didn't follow the rules and she ended up in a better position. This life is all there is, I better get moving.

Next

THEN.. MD called in with a family emergency. SO I didn't work today. I put in for a job being a cashier at the dump. I have been averaging about 8 hours a week, this cannot go on. AT least there is something, but its not enough. Keep looking my gut says.
AND you... you know you make my toes curl. Go on with your open relationships. I want something real, I want something I can be proud of, I want something that is mine and mine alone, I don't want to share.

EG called in sick

At least he called this time. The last two times I showed up and he declined services. I asked the scheduler to find me another client. I have NEVER worked with EG and I think its time for them to move me on. I got a new client today. M This is the guy with anger issues, bi polar disorder, retarded and what else can life throw at him?
I liked him, I met him Friday. We both love animals, I am going to see about getting him a volunteer position at the animal shelter in Nampa. I don't know if I should ask them first (warn them) or just show up with M and go for it.
I pick him up today at Two. Anticipation, and anxiety, anything new makes my stomach hurt. One day I hope to be calmer and more at peace.
ONE day I hope to live in a cottage by the sea, and everybody can go get fucked. SIGGGHHHH

Listening to Beck

What if it's wrong?
What if it's wrong
To pray in vain?
What does it mean
To fake your death?
To wake up tainted?

The futile hopelessness that colors my day is magnified by Beck lyrics.
Garlic breath from the mushroom omelet, tightness in the throat left over from cleaning kitchen and bathroom floors. EVERYTHING bugs me. Dainish went to Dwain and Janelle's house to scoop. I think I am going to dive into Terry Pratchett, I can't think of anything else I want to do.
Most things are in order, things are good.

blah blady blah blah blah

I am cold, even though I am wearing layers. My house still stinks like dog, and I am running the vaporiser to keep from coughing.
NOW onto something positive. You know, I have the nicest kid. 12 years old and still not a sign of the mouthy teenager that I have been warned is lurking there. I hear about thirteen, you will understand why some species eat their young. So now I just enjoy the kid, and listen to what he has to say, and I am glad he still wants to tell me what he is thinking.
I got a relaxation CD from the speech therapist. (she thinks she can teach me to relax... thats called booze baby.) I put it on in Daines room. He said it was wonderful, he fell asleep right away, the first night. The second night it didn't work. I don't know, perhaps we will try it again, if it doesn't work night three, I will give up on it.

15236 HA! the magic bullet

Proton Pump inhibitor.
I was all set for a horrible breathing attack in the early morning, and I took the Nexium at night, and I didn't get one, and I don't have that horrible lump in my throat.
LETS hope this works, because I am ready for this to end. I am ready to live without fear.
Speech therapist wanted me to take it twice a day, but the insurance company in their infinate wisdom thinks they know whats best and won't let me have the medication twice a day. Today I search for an OTC version, and pray for the best. In as much as I pray anymore.

I thought

4 Am I think, and it happened after not happening for several weeks. Whooop Whooop My vocal cords had slammed shut and I couldn't breathe. I jumped out of bed and tried the technique the speech therapist had taught me, I tried it three times, and it didn't work. Daine heard me stumbling around making that horrible noise and he came running out of his room. It didn't work, was all I could think. I found the asthma inhaler, which isn't supposed to work, and tried to get that into me. Finally the spasms quieted.
WHY? I am doing everything I am supposed to do, I am not supposed to have these things anymore. When am I going to get better? I have had enough of this stuff.

15205 Oregon Coast circa 1995

Why I want to go back;
August 24th, 1995:
It was one of those perfect days that I couldn't believe was real. So beautiful that it hurt my eyes. Before computer, before most of my patience and optimism was squashed.
I was sitting on a rock listening to Janelle crack sunflower seeds above me and lazily toss them on my head. We were sitting on rocks high up overlooking the ocean, and the rock seemed tailor made for our butts. I wonder if we could ever find them again if we climbed down that beach path. My dog, half chow and half lab was practically doing cartwheels for joy. It was a long way from a cage at the humane society in Boise Idaho, to a deserted beach on the Oregon coast. He ran into the waves that were coming in and out, he dodged, and jumped with total doggie happiness. He chased birds in flight, one minute then checked on Chelsie who braved the cold water to swim. He was a family dog, and never quite liked anyone else.
The wind blew my hair back from my face I remember and I had such hope for a new beginning. 18 years of marriage had finally come to a stormy end, and I was free for the first time in many years.

DammitJim

I went to work, I had asked the office yesterday if we should call the client in advance since he declined our service on Monday. They said, oh no, blah blah blah.. I went over there today. and he answered the door in his underwear and said, he had plans for the day. I asked him if he had called the office to cancel, and he said yes. I rather doubt he did. I went to the office and I asked them, they said, NO he hadn't called. I said, FIRE HIM. they blinked at me like I had just sprouted horns. I said, do you have any work for me, and Felicia said at three thirty to six fifteen. and I declined. NOW why did I do that? I wanted to work in the morning and I don't transition from one idea to the next very rapidly. JUST like my aspberger clients. I am so like them...
Chelsie called me while I was mulling that over...thinking maybe I should call back and take the job, but not knowing what it is makes me nervous, because it could be very unpleasant... and and... I am being a weazle aren't I? Back to Chelsie, she wanted to know what I Was doing, I said I am on call for work. She wanted to know if I would help her finish moving and I said no, thinking about my shoulder, it hurts so bad these days, and I declined physical therapy, BECAUSE.."deep Breath" I already have voice therapy twice a week, and I NEED to work and quit adding more things for me to drive to without pay.Dr Armen, Heather, Dentist on Friday. I just need to work now, ok? Ok!
SO I brought over the cardboard boxes to janelles' house for chelsie and I was getting ready to come back home, and Quinn put on his socks and said, I am going with Gramma. He had his coat and was still in his underwear. VERY cute, he was so sure I would leave him, he grabbed my leg, and said it again, I AM GOING WITH GRAMMA. Chelsie said do you want him? and I said, how could I resist? so we got his pants on him and I took him. He is playing with Daines toy cap guns, the dog is DEAD DEAD because Quinn shot him five times. (with a toy gun) He has had lunch and watched Cayoo, and hauled out cars and toys from Daine's room. This pisses Daine off because the little guys trash his room, and I do not stop them. BAD GRAMMA. Quinn calls me Grabba.
He calls his Auntie Janelle, Emo
He used the potty, and then for some reason he wet his pants. I was going to do a load of laundry anyway, so I put his stuff in the wash. I put a pair of Dain's boxers on him, and of course they wouldn't stay up, so I put a rubber band on the back and he has a tail. He was quite impressed with the ingenuity. I am a puppy he said.

"5 Star Wars status updates" by Brian Murphy

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794889
If star wars charactors used face book. Funny!

It looks like Congratulations are in order

Her gift from God... I think not. Only a month ago, I was told he thought about me, and I should trust him. I did not trust him and my instincts were correct. May you live long and experience great happiness.

AND quit sending me cartoon porn on my cell phone, JEEEZ

Just a thought

I'm STILL living in my own private Idaho

Where do you get rid of an old couch? NO NO NO this one is not good enough for a second hand store. My cats have sharpened claws on the back, the cushion covers zippers are broken and the stuffing is sliding out, and it's the ugliest thing I ever saw, red and green plaid, just vile.
My house stinks like dog, my carpets look like dirt, and everything is covered in a fine layer of dust. I thought I cleaned up around here, what gives? The dirt fairies came by when I wasn't looking.
Today I was a mess because I had two new clients I had never met, and I wasn't well versed on what I was supposed to do with them once I did pick them up. I went into work early and discussed this with my trainer. (HA trainer sounds like I am a wild beastie) It seems I was missing some important paperwork, like WHAT I am supposed to do with them once I pick them up. I got that and headed out to my first client's house. He decided he didn't want to go out today. DECIDED?!! I think he should be fired from our services. Not only did I waste the time and gas to go out there, I don't get paid a penny for my trouble. Then I was told that the other client's mother wasn't going to have her 22 year old son see me until she had met me. She lives 15 miles away, so this is inconvenient. SOOO I asked the sub department if they had any work for me today, and she sent me to a christian school to sit with and 11 year old boy and help him with his homework. HE was positively delightful and I enjoyed him immensely. I hope I meet him again.
So I find myself home early, which is fine because I really like that kid of mine. I like spending time with him.
Ray took me out to lunch before he headed back to Minnesota, that was a nice change. I am still wondering how I am going to get more gas in my car before I get paid. The clutch is still holding out by the way, and my car stinks like dog.
Such is the good life, I'm telling you.

Searching for deeper meaning?

Own Private Idaho- B-52's

Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo
You're living in your own Private Idaho
Living in your own Private Idaho
Underground like a wild potato.
Don't go on the patio.
Beware of the pool,
blue bottomless pool.
It leads you straight
right throught the gate
that opens on the pool.

You're living in your own Private Idaho.
You're living in your own Private Idaho.

Keep off the path, beware the gate,
watch out for signs that say "hidden driveways".
Don't let the chlorine in your eyes
blind you to the awful surprise
that's waitin' for you at
the bottom of the bottomless blue blue blue pool.

You're livin in your own Private Idaho. Idaho.
You're out of control, the rivers that roll,
you fell into the water and down to Idaho.
Get out of that state,
get out of that state you're in.
You better beware.

You're living in your own Private Idaho.
You're living in your own Private Idaho.

Keep off the patio,
keep off the path.
The lawn may be green
but you better not be seen
walkin' through the gate that leads you down,
down to a pool fraught with danger
is a pool full of strangers.

You're living in your own Private Idaho,
where do I go from here to a better state than this.
Well, don't be blind to the big surprise
swimming round and round like the deadly hand
of a radium clock, at the bottom, of the pool.

I-I-I-daho
I-I-I-daho
Woah oh oh woah oh oh woah oh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
Get out of that state
Get out of that state
You're living in your own Private Idaho,
livin in your own Private.... Idaho

15068 Sign in Sign in!!

From Snow to rain, and warm, the streets are flooding, and the heat can be turned down. Its a false start, I know it is going to get cold again, as sure as I'm sitting here.
Monday, oh Monday I fear you. I am not prepared. I don't get enough communication from the company, not enough structure. I will manage as long as the burping nissan keeps on running. Cross your fingers!
I had a terrific day with Tonie yesterday. I told her the years just melted away, it was such a connection, and she hasn't told me everything. I listened with my chin in my hands, and couldn't get enough. How far we have all come in thirty plus years.
Chapter two is around the corner.

BURP!

Thanks for Son-in-Law Dwain. Yesterday my car quit in the middle of traffic, so I got out and started pushing it off the road, as it gained speed, I thought, "THIS is not going to end well." I jumped back inside and steered if off the road with the help of a kind stranger. Dwain said the clutch lined needed to burp...... so BURP it did. Lets hope it keeps going for awhile, without me pushing it.

15023 New Years Eve

Curses and blessings, may everyone get whats coming to them...

She was what she was

An acquaintance of mine died on Christmas day. I grew up with him, he was one of the wild boys from Headquarters Idaho that came to Pierce elementary school.
Garth was nice to me, he gave me a fancy ring to wear on my left hand in the fifth grade. I lost it and when he asked for it back, he never believed that I didn't have it hidden away somewhere. It was a one of a kind ring set with rows of glass jewels,it cost nearly five dollars, and he no doubt wanted to give it to the new girl on his list of favorites. All these years later I think.. "Garth I really did lose that ring, I never kept it." In fact.. come to think of it, I was showing it to a girlfriend and that's when it disappeared. I never would have suspected my friend of keeping it, but that's probably what happened. I was so very honest, and I thought that everyone else was too.
An anonymous person wrote his obituary. Nothing was said about what took him away from this life. Obits would be more interesting if they stated the cause of death. I heard it was throat cancer. I thought about an anonymous person writing one's Obit. What has life got to say about us if there is no one to write how we lived? What were our passions, are failings, and who did we love?
I was thinking as my mind took the morbid turn, who would write my obit and what would it say?
It occurred to me, that it would be my oldest daughter Janelle and she would put on my tombstone. "Here lies our beloved Mother, she bitched a lot." So I was thinking if Garth gave me a gift it was that of reflection and maybe I better change my ways so that my tombstone doesn't say that... oh yeah, I am getting cremated anyway.

Family Corner Earth Eggs

Easter Sunday falls on April 4, 2010. It is the first Sunday after the full moon following the vernal equinox; I think we will make earth eggs this year.
Click on Family corner for amanda's instructions on how to make Earth Eggs. Used by permission.

Equinox

Equinox is the one of two times a year when the Sun crosses the equator, and the day and night are of approximately equal length.
One at Easter and one in September.
Winter Solstice is the longest night of the year.
Summer Solstice is the longest day of the year.

14928 Ready for some heat!

Winter Solstice Dec 21 2009 12:47 PM EST

Vernal Equinox Mar 20 2010 1:32 PM EDT
Summer Solstice Jun 21 2010 7:28 AM EDT
Autumnal Equinox Sep 22 2010 11:09 PM EDT
Winter Solstice Dec 21 2010 6:38 PM EST

The adventures of Crumpet the Elf

David Sedaris: A Christmas Tale Worth Repeating : NPR
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story...

Sometimes, I am every bit as f'd up as people say I am

If you don't invite them in, vampires can't enter your home.
But never never walk in the woods at night all alone..especially on a night of a full moon.
OR.. bring the wicked cocker spaniel for safety.

14765 Good things

Daine had a concert last night, Melanie and Janelle went with me, and I really enjoyed their company and the concert. There was a little girl that sang so beautifully, I wanted to give her a standing ovation. I was conscience of the tickle in my throat all evening, I didn't want an attack, I thought about how it would disrupt the whole concert and people would run to me and try the Heimlich maneuver. Perhaps I need a sign..."I am not having an asthma attack, nor am I choking, give me a minute and I will get a handle on it." NAH no one would read it.
I have a lot of hope for the future, finally. I haven't had a breathing attack since Monday. I started taking Daine's acid blocker medicine. Until I Get mine from the pharmacy. GAWD! If this works, I can live without fear again. I slept on the couch with the vaporizer on, I hope I can sleep in my own bed tonight.

Laryngopharyngeal Reflux LPR

Looks like I will have it all my life. Every time I get sick, stomach acid splashes the vocal cords and my body produces excess mucus to protect me, I am literally drowning, then the spasm hits and I am supposed to breath out? I flap around like a wounded pigeon and make a strange barking noise. Now I know the barking noise is the involuntary noise of my vocal cords spasm. I am to take a stomach acid blocker and learn the technique to stop the spasm. To tell you the truth it scares me to breathe out when I am out of air. Inhalers open the bronchial tubes. This is not related to asthma or bronchitis, though I have had bronchitis when I had this. The vocal cords actually slam shut and spasm making a barking noise. It has been misdiagnosed for years because it looks like an asthma attack. I even got a prescription for an inhaler. What worked was not the inhaler, but me trying to breathe out before inhaling the inhaler. Oddly. All I can say is my family practitioner is a genius. The speech therapist said regular doctors misdiagnose this all the time. However Dr. Keif checked my lungs and they are clear, she knew immediately what it was, and sent me to the speech therapist. 12 years later I get a correct diagnosis.
I don't have heartburn, thats why I never gave that information to a dr. It might have helped me get a correct diagnosis earlier. Even two weeks ago, I young doctor gave me a breathing treatment and a prescription for an inhaler. All treatments are in-effective. Most LPR patients require a proton-pump inhibiting drug,it totally makes sense. This is what we are going to try. I would like to lose another fifty pounds too, seems being overweight causes a host of problems.

Vocal Cords

Three nights on the couch with the vaporizer going all night. The wet carpet has revived smells best left un-revived. Monday was my last breathing attack, today I visit the speech therapist, I am still on pins and needles, I don't know when I am going to have a cessation of air, it just happens like a glass being put over my lungs. I am afraid to sleep, when it wakes me up disorientated and panicked, I usually run through the house making that horrible noise that means lack of air. The dog runs and hides in his crate, it must really frighten him. There is nothing like that sound of lack of air.
I hope I never have this again. I will do everything in my power to avoid this, I would like to sleep in my own bed again, and I would like to live normally without fear.

bullseye on the butt again....

400 dollars in books netted me 40 bucks from BSU. Sux. I was hoping for more of course, I was hoping I would be able to get Daine presents for Christmas with the money from books.
Saturday someone knocked on the door and when I opened it there was a box with food and gifts for Daine and me. I have no idea who, Sherman headed out the door, he was going to apprehend the evil perpetrators.

I went to the Dr. today, my client that I was supposed to meet canceled, so I haven't started work yet.
The doctor said I had a virus go into my vocal cords, that's what causing my airway to shut down. She is sending me to a speech therapist on Wednesday. I never heard of such a thing, but she said it will be a recurrent problem if I don't strengthen my vocal cords. I said I would do anything, I don't want that to happen again. It usually happens when I am asleep or when there is oil in the air, like microwave popcorn, or dryer sheets. I can't get air,and I make a barking noise, she said I would pass out, and then my throat would relax. I don't think that sounds very reassuring. I fight for air until I can get a breath. Scares Daine half to death. I slept on the couch with the vaporizer going with salt in it. She gave me a breathing treatment today with saline. So I guess my idea of salt and vaporizer was what I should do.
I just remembered that living in Brookings I would walk along the beach and inhale salt air, and it would help my bronchitis.
I hope the speech therapist can help.

I'm Going in!

I hope I don't get thrown off the school grounds today. I am meeting K from past math and sociology classes and successful hair expert. She is small but fierce. She says if BSU won't buy back my books, she will sell them under her school number.
I think I have a handle on the bronchial spasms. After several bouts of coughing and not being able to breathe, I Think the inhaler and antibiotics are working. Scary experience. I don't ever want to feel like that again. You can't cough because you can't get air so you make a barking seal noise and gasp and struggle. I had a dentist appointment yesterday, I was afraid it would happen in the chair. I had an atack at 2 AM that day, and it was fresh in my mind. Running through the apartment struggling and panicking. I found the inhaler and did my best to suck it in with no air comming in.
LIKE I said I don't want to experience that again. I turned off Scentsy and the candle melter and put a vaporizer on with a touch of salt in it. Seems to be helping. I Hope so.

Avoidance

Why is it I don't trust you? Why do I expect you to mislead, why should it matter? I remind myself it doesn't matter at all.
I had my first day of orientation yesterday, I am going to like this company. They are so concerned with the children that we get a lot of training. I transferred my police back ground check to AFI. Now I wait for the tech that's going to train me to call. Wish they would get off their ass and schedule me! I am ready.
its 8 bucks an hour, and my first pay check won't be until December 31st. I am not sure what to do for Daine's Christmas. I have $1.25 in my checking account. His father didn't put the 100.00 in there either. However if he did... I still have to pay phone bill 50.00 and Internet 50.00 so that still leaves me with 1.25 in the account.
OOH dammit, I Forgot I have some school books in my car to sell back to BSU. I only wonder if they will pay me for them as I am officially kicked out of school. GAWD I am officially kicked out. Hard times count for nothing, BSU cuts me no slack for shit happens.
BUT... being Glena I find a way to work around the bitter disappointment and feeling of failure. I do not have self loathing as some people say about me, I really like me, I just wish I was smarter then I am about predicting trends. I seem to go the wrong way, say and think the wrong thing, and figure it out too late. Apologies aside, I understand that people are not as forgiving as I am, because maybe they don't realized that THIS is all there is. and I am a slow learner you know?

Oh he is

He said we needed to celebrate me getting a job. He took me to Chapella's. He said that I was very intelligent, but lack confidence. He said smart people are patient and like to hear what I have to say, stupid people are mean to me because they can be.
I told him when ever he tells me something like that, it's like he has given me a gift. A little key that unlocks hidden knowledge. Now I know, play it cool with the idiots.
Tomorrow is orientation. Tomorrow makes me nervous.
IT is butt cold out there. I have walked the dog twice, but I know I have to brave that stiff breeze again.
One more time.
I made tartar sause for the fish fillets. Daine said "better write it down mom."
several klausen dill pickles;chopped, dried onion, teaspoon of fresh garlic, teaspoon of honey,dash of lemon pepper, juice of one small lemon,and one cup of mayonaise. Oh Yeah!

Editing

Just like that, you can edit, change, and decide to make a detour. I re-invent myself several times in a lifetime.
Abuse, hostage situation, survival of the fittest, rape, betrayal, liars.All these contribute to one's ability to trust, but my instincts are good. If someone lies in little things they have no discrepancy lying in bigger things.
Lie they do, and strive to figure me out ,deciding I have anger issues. Yeah? I might after being helpless for so many years, I might have a few things to work out, but I don't think I am alone in that. I also don't think its so bad, especially if I make a mistake, I admit it and try to make it better, if I can't make it better piss on it!
I don't really want a player in my life. Someone honest with nothing to hide is what I am looking for. I don't have to find him anymore. Its easier not to find anything. Its easier to exist in the careful cocoon I have made for myself.

Winter Solstice

Yule is the ancient holiday celebrating the winter solstice time when the sun is at its weakest and the calendar is coming to a close. Although most customs beginning with saturnalia have to do with light, prosperity, and luck for the New Year, many of us find ourselves at odds with the manic party energy surrounding the holidays.
Celebrate Sabbat the longest night of the year, by aligning ourselves with the dormant energies of winter. begin this spell after dinner, turn all TV, radio and electric lights off. Dress yourself in your favorite pajamas. If you have a fireplace build a fire, if not light a stout red candle. Gaze into the flames and empty your mind of worldly concerns. Breath and look into the flames with a soft focus. Images will begin to suggest themselves to you. Give yourself an hour of quiet time.

you did you did, you know you did.

Peter S. Beagle wrote a sequel to the last unicorn. The Unicorn Sonata. I started it, as usual he sucks me inside and I don't want to be anywhere else.
In between walking the road he sets before me and hearing my youngest daughter's latest soliloquy and being un-able to do more then sympathize,and waiting for the phone to ring. I took matters into my own hands and called, "the company" no news... So I kick myself, I talk to Taunie, I talk to Janelle, I talk to Scott, and I talk to Sue. Sadly none of which I really want to talk to. HOWEVER... "The Phone Call" arrives and I have the job. They believe I will bring something special to their company. First thought is... Yeah I sooo aced that interview with my bullshit, second thought is.. I really want to work for this company, I want to make a difference, and I am so grateful for the job. Bullshit aside, I really meant what I said, I nearly always do.

The pesky upstairs neighbors appear to moving out, Godspeed to them as well, they will not be mourned when they are gone all the trouble they have caused us hapless near-nates. I know for one the red headed gentleman and his quiet wife will be glad to see the back of them.
Maybe I will have a full nights sleep again?
Kevin and I go out Saturday, I am to pick the movie. He wants to see the second vampire movie, New Moon. Roger Ebert hated it, and I never saw the first one, I know there is something else I would rather see, but as usual I cannot think what it is. Teenage Vampires in love, doesn't sound like something I would like. OH gawd and not the "Blind Side" either, I hate tear jerkers. Specially based LOOSELY on a true story, very loosely we think. 2012..Too scary, maybe Ninja Assassines? That sounds like my cup of tea.
Scott has asked me out this weekend again, I have a feeling it will be a very low budget evening where I cook and we watch rented movies at my apartment.

Pink fuzzy sweater

It fits I'll be damned.
AND... I am not going to think about you one bit, you are gone for three months, and you won't give me a second thought.
Adios...
Talk to your ex girlfriend indeed.
Tonight it's tequilla and zombie movies with the girls. I have to drag Dain along, the kid doesn't mind watching movies with the girls.
Today is Dr. Keif, she didn't like to hear about my shoulder and told me to get right in.
I am in PAIN. even so I dragged the fifty pound bag of cat litter inside the house. Who else will do it?
I am hungry, I don't know what to do about lunch. Probably instant Miso soup. Sherman would appreciate a walk, but I find myself fresh out of energy and tolerance.
Ok, I can't quit thinking about you.
everything else is just a distraction. Joga

Yesterday

Dr. A was right on. I think he is a psychic. He said if I told Mustache man how I felt about being rushed with things, that "HE" if he had any self respect would get the hint and move on. He called me and took twenty minutes to tell me why he wasn't ready for a relationship yesterday. I was so relieved. Freedom Reigns.
He said origially he was pissed at me for telling him that I thought he was trying to rush into things. Which goes to show that my warning bells were right. I Thought he pretended to be far nicer then he really is. Anyone who can say, 'My wife died two months ago, but I am not really grieving." creeps me the hell out.

Aim High... what's the worst that can happen?

Ramble On!

An exhausting day yesterday but surprisingly rewarding. Quinn by the end of the day was minding what I said,and the baby was turning wild.
When I laid the baby down for a nap after breakfast and kissed him on the forehead he said, "GankGoo" his version of "thank you" it was so adorable.
Scott offered to come over and watch a movie with me last night. Nice offer, but I knew I was going to be asleep by 9:00. I watched the movie, "the ugly truth" it was better then I thought it would be, and I was in bed and asleep by 9:00.
Sadly I like being on the couch watching a movie in my Jammie's... alone.
I do not know when this happened, probably somewhere between hysterectomy and Andy leaving for the last time. Andy was never really here for the most part. I got used to being on my own without any input. AND I like it.
I will tell R that when I get my tax return he will be the first person that I pay back. He paid my rent, and I thought he and I were going to be a couple, but initially the attraction started then faded and is no longer there. I tried, but you cannot make your heart go where it will not go, and you cannot force 'Like'. I never could and I am far worse then when I was young.
I expect a baby or little boy to pop out of my room any minute. Chelsie brings them over at five thirty AM. we lay them in my bed. I hope they sleep till nine, but they rarely do. The later Quinn sleeps the better day he has because he simply will not nap here.
The baby will nap, but only after I put him back to bed fifteen times. My right shoulder is very sore from all the lifting yesterday, but it cannot be helped. Quinn will not eat, I fix him whatever he will eat, because he is thin and had a bad start on nutrition with his lazy father not feeding him properly.The baby Bryce will eat anything that doesn't walk away, and with gusto and enthusiasm.
I hear murmuring coming down the hall, looks like the baby is up!

Shocking thoughts of GjD

I always thought that you and I should not have to work. We deserved to be Goddess' however the rest of the world did not comply with our wishes. SUX I have to work and nobody really wants me anyway.
SIL had a crisis on thursday, I ended up calling an ambulance for him and taking care of the four girls.
Friday C is haveing a crisis, and I get the boys for 4 days.
Gawd maybe that is making my karma bad? Complaining about my loving family. I think they would figure it out better without me. C doesn't really like me anyway.
I know this deep in my heart, but I Don't ever say it out loud.
I don't know why men pick me up. Sincerely... if they are attracted to me they have a screw loose, and this one does. He is nice, but... I would rather kiss my cocker spaniel if you get my drift.
He just doesn't ring my bells, and he smokes, and he has a greasy mustache that is loaded with nicotine, and it looks yellow and slimy, and when he points his lips in my direction I duck!
I am sure that hurts his feelings but I have very little tolerance for the "ICK" factor.
SIGH... I am beginning to feel like an OCD bitch. I figured out that Daine and I live in peace and when you add anything else it messes up the balance.
I Don't have enough of a Harlot in my soul anymore to put on the dog. I could have a free place to live if I crawled into slimy mustache man's bed. I think my knees are glued shut.
I have already tried to figure out ways to get rid of him, and he is very nice... but the ICK factor is high on my scale.
OH I am such a brat.

She works at the doctor's office

I don't remember her name, but she has her nails done and she is very sleek and professional. That is until she sniffs me all over the place. She recognises that I have a dog. Strange, Sherman doesn't sniff me when I get back from the visit.
I am who I am he hinted. I will not be able to change or bring out the harlot in my heart. I will not be less then my integrity will allow me.
I know I am happy alone. He said I am not without self esteem even though I feel like dirt now, the pride still shows through, and I will find a job and I will prevail. RIGHT RIGHT...

Joy

I got the cortisone shot in my right shoulder. I felt that all the way to my knuckles.
I forgot about the tattoo on my shoulder. The doctor said I should get the tattoo finished while the numbing shot is working...

Casting Instructions for ' BANISHING A FOOL'

To Make An Un-Wanted Guest Not Only Leave Your House, But To Make Their Presence Seem Forgotten.
when starting the spell, make ok signs with your hands and say:

Ashes to Ashes, Dust To Dust
while saying ''dust to
dust'' put your hands (still in ok position) one by one at your sides.
then say
This I ask for is a must
turning and
putting hands in praying postion while saying
''must''
not a foot more, shall this fool set through these doors
covering your eyes and sheilding your mouth say:
neither his name nor his face, ever be seen or
spoken around this place.
This I ask for with all my might,
that this fool shall
leave my sight.

So Mote It Be!

HA!

Basically my life sux with good bits thrown in here and there.

Well well well, it is what it is.

AND it came as no surprise to me that Michelle the recruiter for Scentsy's temp employees called me Sunday. "This is very hard for me to say Glena...." I saved her the effort. I told her I knew that even though I was trying very hard, I was getting 55 emails out a day, while the kids were getting out 100. It makes more sense to get rid of the slow old farts and get more of those fast newer models. There are two positive things... I wasn't the first to get let go, and I have two weeks of pay coming to me.
Now what to do? I am thinking that I am just incompetent. What am I good at? I dropped out of school and it looks like I cannot go back, and I am unable to find work, or even keep a temp job putting in sales orders and e-mailing customers.
I am not fast, I am not detail orientated, I am not wanted anywhere.
Is there a government program for the over fifty and un-wanted?
On Saturday after working my ass off, I decided to put my pay check in the bank,(all 150 dollars of it) I didn't think that I would be able to do it during banking hours since I don't get home till six-ish. I waited by the night deposit box, and finally I decided that the gentleman getting money out wouldn't mind me putting my check in behind him as I appear harmless enough.
He turned and smiled at me. I don't even know how it came about but we introduced ourselves and he got my phone number and asked me out on a date.
We went to dinner last night and he brought my son home a burger from McDonald's (Big Points) He stayed and watched a movie that he wasn't very interested in. He is very nice.
Daine said,"Do you like him mom?" I said, "Yes I do, he is very nice." Daine said "Thank GOD!" what is that supposed to mean? Thank god why? but he wouldn't explain himself the little shit.

I could be a country western song about now

I got a job! I was so excited and nervous and the pay was amazing... I got up for my first day of orientation yesterday, ready to go, my eyes were itchy, so I grabbed the eye drops, don't want red blood shot eyes do we?
Something wasn't right, I knew instantly I had just poured super glue into my right eye.
I ran to the bathroom and tried to rinse out my eye, but nothing worked, I tried soap and water, I even tried to put a little finger nail polish remover on the lashes, but I was so scared it would soak into the eye, and since I could not open it, I would be trapped in horrible pain.
What to do! I can't have this happen on the first day of work. So I drove.. I don't to this day know how I did it, because.. funny thing when one eye won't move neither will the other because they move simultaneously. So I could barely see out of the left eye, I had to turn my head, and each time the eye inadvertently moved it sent waves of pain through my whole head.The pain was so great it was giving me an Adrenalin rush. I was shaking uncontrollably too, like a drug addict needing a fix.
I told the job recruiters what I had done, the one said, that I needed to go home, better luck next time on the job, they would find another one for me. I put on the performance of my life, Not that I wanted to, but you know what I am facing. Eviction, finding homes for my pets, etc. I need this job, I cannot lose this job. So they let me go. It was training day. I didn't get much out of the training because I couldn't see, and it was getting worse. Finally after a break I asked someone to drive me to the hospital where I sat for four hours. And after Dr. Dumbass tried to pull my eyelids apart, then attempted to paste a bandage over the damage, which was like glass shards being pushed into my eye. They called a charity cab and sent me to the hospital in Boise where I was told I would probably have to have surgery.
The doctor removed all my eyelashes, and put a contact bandage on the cornea. My son in law came and got me in boise with all the grand daughters. They said, "Gramma, let us see your eye." when I turned around and showed them, there was stunned silence. It was pretty awful, the eyelids are so swollen that they are turned nearly inside out. The eye is very swollen and red. I look hideous.
The company said they were so impressed with my dedication that they want to keep me and will resume my training tomorrow.
Oddly I am still scared, I made a horrible first impression and I can barely see, but Dammit, I am determined to keep this job, its only 4 weeks anyway, but maybe they will keep me permanently.
However I know I don't really shine at anything but integrity, so it might be enough. there are thirteen other new hires, all younger, faster and smarter then me. So I get to be the drama queen. SHIT!

Burn out the day, Burn out the night...

I'm not the one telling you whats wrong or whats right.
However... When you live amongst thugs and idiots there are certain rules that apply.
Yesterday I was up early, thank goodness really. Walked my dog in the dark, looking out for lurkers. I prefer to face my foes on open ground then cowered in a corner. I always come home and lock the door. I got so spooky when I was a security guard. I always feel safer walking the perimeter of a building rather then walking halls in the darkness.
Oh yes I digress, this is about the idiots upstairs.
When I got home around seven Am, I heard a loud pouring noise, like a water fall. I thought OH NO not again, the last time it was the toilet spraying water out under the tank top. So I ran in there, but it was literally pouring out of the ceiling vents. Pouring in a stream. The floor was already a few inches deep in water, the sink and counters soaked. I thought, "she's died in the tub and no one is there to help her." So I called the apartment office and left a message, then I called maintenance, then I called the police for them to do a welfare check on miss piggy upstairs. She has the ambulance out on a regular basis, I don't know if she likes their company or if she is really having something go wrong. I do know she takes way too many drugs. I know because she can barely complete sentences, and she showed me her bag full of pills one time. LOTS and I Think she mixes them up and takes more then she is supposed to, I think she is going to kill herself sometimes soon. There is nothing I can do, I have talked to her, but I don't make any impression on her. She thinks if its prescription medication she can take how much she wants.
Well imagine the teenage daughters surprise when the cops and Maxine broke into the apartment at seven forty five? She was sitting in the bath tub. The water was flowing over the sides and onto the carpet, and down the hall, and she did nothing but sit there and let it. The maintenance man had to bring up a shop vac and clean up their floors, I think he should have made them do it. I Think of the police breaking in on them as my little "Gift" I have a very clean bathroom now,nothing like a complete hose down to get things very clean. JEEZ thank goodness I Was home when this happened, if it had happened on Saturday or Sunday it would have done a lot more damage.

A basketfull of stuff I will not do.

Today, I will not pay bills. If I turn up the radio, I can't hear the funky noises my car is making. I am looking for work, I have been looking since April. I usually don't have the gas to go far, I didn't qualify for unemployment when I was laid off. The department of labor, as they so joyfully call themselves, since "unemployment office" sounds so negative...said I didn't make enough money to qualify for unemployment. I was going to BSU, I used the money to pay my rent and get caught up on bills and buy a few months supply of cat food. I am running out. Rent is due in November and I still don't have a job. I quit school, I couldn't do it anymore, and BSU, rightfully wants all the money back that I used to pay back rent. Rightfully so, but it doesn't make it easier by any stretch of the imagination. I cannot answer my phone anymore, creditors. I haven't been able to get the mail, more creditors. I have nothing coming in. Sometimes a friend puts gas in my car, and I use food stamps to buy food, plus vinegar and baking soda for cleaning. I don't have money to buy cleaning products. I had ten dollars to buy my son used school clothes at Deseret Industries.
I started going to a resource called, "working Solutions" oh they have solutions all right. Someone is paid a lot of money to tell us that we can network while we are waiting in line for the show, or while waiting for a machine at the health club. They obviously don't get it. Who is going to the show? Who has money to work out at the club? It was similar while I was reading a Martha Stewart magazine at the Doctors Office.I was seeing the doctor about my depression. She was giving tips on how to move. It was so lovely, I laughed and laughed, Martha says, when you move, have a company come in and do it for you, then they can take it to your new house and move it in there. She doesn't know about empty boxes from the liquor store and crayon marking the box, "Kitchen" nor does she know about my friend's pick up truck. OR what I plan to do with the used couch. She doesn't get it either. I heard on the news that people have to cut back, everyone must do their part, starting with going out to eat only once a week, and cutting down on their entertainment fund. What? I wanted to call the TV station and ask them if they know about 75 cents a pound bulk dry beans at winco, or if they consider buying canned soup a luxury? I am sorry I know I sound bitchy and negative, all I want is a job. I am a good employee, I work hard,I am dependable, I have no drama, I have forgotten what I am good at anymore.
When I go to Working Solutions to turn my paperwork in, I see people who are as bad off, I think some are even homeless, which is where I am headed. After November my kindly apartment complex is not going to want me to live here for free. I made a promise to my pets that I would take care of them. I have to contemplate giving my cats to the shelter. I have had them for years, I don't think a cat box in the car is a good thing. What do you do?
There was a bright spot in all this turmoil. A little company called, "dress for success" I was referred to them by Working Solutions. I had a bad attitude about going I must admit. I thought, I got used clothes in my closet, what can they help me with? The idea was to give us unemployed people a nice suit to wear on "NONEXISTENT" job interviews. The two women running the show were upbeat, knowledgeable and full of positive advice. I couldn't believe what I ended up with. I got a lovely suit, new shoes, make-up and even jewelry to wear. They told me how to conduct myself in an interview and what type of makeup is best. They knew their stuff. After I finished with them I felt like maybe I could get a job, I have the right tools. However I don't even get an interview. I have put out at least three applications a day, and still I am not working.
It is an employers market right now, they can treat us hopeful applicants anyway they like. I have seen positions in the paper offering far less money then they used to pay, and they do it because they can. Right to work my... behind.
The recession is supposed to be ending, work is supposed to be out there. Not for me, and not for a lot of people. I ask, "what can we do?"
I want a job, for my cats sake, for my son, I am not asking for a lot, just the right to be independent, and not have to jump through hoops put out by health and welfare for food stamps, I know that it is a gift, and not a right, but I would not use them if I didn't have to. I guess I am down, but not broken.

Nightmare

I was driving Chelsie's Maroon van. The landscape seemed to be Brookings. For some reason the city was filled with 2C drivers. There were three cars, one was a van, and they jammed into a blockage that I could not get around. I knew this, I had no choice but to crash into the van that had its side facing me. Instead of crashing my van went over the three cars, except time stopped. When I came to I was on the grass in front of the house where we lived with blood and grease on my hands. I panicked I started looking for the children that I had had in the van. The children were playing, and they didn't have a mark on them, I wondered if they had even been with me. I started to tell Chelsie about the wreck, I assumed her van was parked in the driveway, I told her we would have to have the suspension checked, because I had came down hard. I thought I had, that was the only explanation, but I couldn't remember anything about the crash. Then I thought maybe I am dead, everyone but Chelsie was ignoring me while I talked. Chelsie said, "no you are not dead, I can see you." Then I heard the sirens in the distance, getting closer. Then I knew that I had left my body when the van crashed in order to survive the crash. While I was out of my body, it was used in a murder. The blood was still on my hands. The police were coming to arrest me because I had left evidence at the crime scene. I could not remember anything. I thought it was so unfair that I didn't do anything but something used me to do something. STORY of a life out of control.

Bird Brain

I fed the Hound roasted chicken last night. DID I think it would pass by un-noticed?
Poor thing. I woke up at the usual five Am. (no rest for the wicked)and noticed the said dog was not in his usual place at the foot of the bed. I looked down the hall into the living room and I see that he is in his little fuzzy bed. Very bad sign.
When entering the living room the smell hit me, and I turned on the light not wanting to step in the source of the smell.
POOR THING AGAIN! It's all my fault. I scrubbed the carpet with baking soda and dish soap, and I burned incense, and I walked poor puppy in the park, where he proceeded to be even more disgusting.
If I was that dog I would disown me.
NO more chicken for Sherman, Bad Glena, Bad Glena!

House invasion today

I think I strained my back lifting the fat baby out of his crib. I don't get work man's comp. I don't even get sympathy.
I survived the weekend, and I thought of calling you, however I know you have other fish to fry, so I wait and think... but I know men and you will soon forget all about me.
I get the Grandsons at my apartment today. Chelsie's baby-sitter's kids have swine flu now. SO I get the little blessings on my home turf. My car is making funky noises I am not sure its going to survive more drives to Boise. I had to cancel Doctor Armentrout for my usual Monday appointment.
Part of me really doesn't care about that. IF he was going to offer me a job I would be there. I think I am past the therapy stage of my life. Talking doesn't change anything I have found out. I was going to suck it up and apply at jack in the box today. I won't because of the boys. Amazing how anyone goes anywhere with two toddlers under three years old. They are all hands in the store and manage to grab everything in reach.
I have already hid my east indian beaded lamp. the last time, Quinn unstrung a few rows of beads. They are too tiny for me to fix, I can barely see them let alone string them.
I was quite put out. I told him, "WE don't mess with grammas lamp." and he said, "OK" which Quinn says to everything. Ok... and he doesn't mean it.
I think I will feed them beans and send them home to their mother this afternoon. Never let it be said that I don't have a little mean streak.
Let me know when you would like to go out again. Maybe the Zoo, or the art museum. Or you could come over here and have dinner. Into the spiders parlor so to speak.
Are you going back to work today?
I dreamed I got a job last night, Damn.. now my dreams are filled with job hunting. I would rather have a science fiction or fantasy dream, not work.
Eventually someone has to give in and hire me. Its not like it used to be, there are hundreds of people applying for the same job, and most of them have experience and years younger then me. Though I am charming in a job inteview, I am still OLD and I Think that is what plays against me sometimes.
ANYWAY I am up very early in anticipation of the house invasion to come at five thirty

Salt Dough Ghosts and Paper Bag Trees

I was visiting Disney FamilyFun.com and thought you'd enjoy this:

Salt Dough Ghosts

http://familyfun.go.com/halloween/halloween-crafts/halloween-decorations/salt-dough-ghosts-671167/


Paper Bag Trees

http://familyfun.go.com/halloween/halloween-crafts/halloween-decorations/paper-bag-trees-671161/

Mini Pumpkins for the kids to make

Saturday in the park

I had a date with Dave. It was ooh so nice. My daughter said, "your taking your dog on a date?" NAH he can wait in the car. We met at municipal park and visited the trout and talked about fish and environment, and tree huggers. He said I needed to live in Oregon. I am an Agnostic, Democrat, Tree Hugging, Pro-socialized medicine. I might as well stand outside of Bsu Bronco stadium and yell "GO VANDALS" My life expectancy isn't very good in conservative Idaho.
He made me laugh and I enjoy his take on things. I said, "I never dated a hot republican before" Just a silly line and I knew it, but he looked surprised then pleased, and he said, "I am not republican, I am libertarian, I will vote either way depending on the candidate." AT last!! I think someone who 'gets' me.
However my generation is lazy, and I am plump, these are all things against my favor. I know he liked me, he could even out talk me, this was an amazing feat to say the least.
AND... my dog did not piddle on his feet when I opened the car door to get inside and Sherman jumped out to greet Dave. Dave took me to the spaghetti station for dinner, totally spontaneous and unplanned. I had spinach ravioli, it was so good, and a glass of lovely red wine, I Don't remember the name, but I got a little buzz from one glass. Oh sorry.. I felt rather silly about that. Then I drove to Chelsie's to spend the night. She stayed home sick the next day, and I watched a movie with Quinn. I am becoming so attached to those baby boys, it is good that I can spend so much time with them.

JEEZ Stevie Nicks can caterwaul!

I cannot imagine why I ever liked her singing, it's lazy.
They play her too much on this radio station.
Today I have had about all I Can take of people whining. YOU guessed it, I answered the phone when Siko was calling me. SHE called constantly today, I was talking to my cousin for an hour and a half, and she called five times in that time. Her message... Oh too much.
AND about fifteen babygirls and sweeties and honeys later, I disengaged myself from the phone call. I asked her not to give me anymore advice. I said it nice, I DID! the odd thing is, I never asked her for advice, because she gives terrible advice, my twelve year old gives better advice then she does. ONCE again, I give her more chances because I know she means well. HOWEVER she is a woman that took the easy way out her whole life, using her twat instead of her brains, THERE! I said it. She pays the price and she has the common sense of a ground squirrel. GAWD how I dislike being called babygirl. I asked her not to do that too. AM I just a cranky old bitch? well probably, but I have been patient with her annoying drama, and I do not wish to be a part of it. I have some hard times happening right now and I am coping the best I can, and I could do without her crap. My oldest daughter thinks I should just write her out of my life, you know? I would like to. She wants favors all the time, and YES she will pay for my gas, but it's usually a whole day endeavor of un-pleasantness plus her smoking, I HATE smelling like a freekin bar after I leave her company. OH dear something good needs to happen to me soon! I am telling you.

In my dreams

I am successful, I am wealthy, I start a community center in a small coastal town. I hire my friend who dreams of being a dancer to teach dance. I employ people to run the center, I provide free daycare after school for the town. I am happy,and healthy. I have been decorating my new home near the beach. Then I wake up and it's stupid CSI shows that I find alarming, and boring sitcoms about sex... and woman trainers abusing fat people.
I used to be fun. I used to believe in tomorrow. Now all I do is look for work and worry.
I baked chocolate chip bars for Dain. Very good, but I couldn't save the roast that I put too much rosemary in. The eggplant was bitter this time, I have heard this happens, but it has never happened to me. So bitter eggplant and too much rosemary is a bad combination. I am going to cook beans and try and salvage the meat. This will probably ruin the beans.
Siko is calling me wanting a favor, I have had my fill of her. NOOO more. Hopeless helpless, needy, annoying, interfering. Two weeks ago, she called a place that I had applied for work and told them to put my application on top! The Nerve! I can kiss that job interview goodbye. I told her as kindly as I could, not to ever do that again, EVER. I will look for work on my own thank you. Her helpful hints are lame. I know she means well that is why I haven't told her off, but she is ON MY LAST NERVE!

Ethnocentrism

I am merely vapid and self involved, it is nothing to do with my country of origin

Scammer's anonymous

I have a job interview tomorrow in Boise. I bet it's another waste of gas to find out that I Have to invite all my friends to sell them something horribly expensive that they neither want or need.. let alone can afford. I will make eleven dollars for this effort.
SUPPOSEDLY, it's for a job as a part time receptionist in a temporary job agency. That alone sounds iffy.Also when they give you a time like 2:45, it sounds like mass interviewing. This is very demeaning and disrespectful to the potential candidate. I shine in mass interviewing, the one time in my life that I can keep my mouth shut. While others babble nervously, I sit looking like a professional. THEN the interviewer asks me a question and my facade ends.
Today I am to go to Meridian for "dress for success" this is a government program that provides used out of style clothes to people looking for work. I hope I get a job soon, more then just being able to pay rent, but that feeling of self esteem I need returned to me. AND I hate the cattle call of Working solutions. Another government program that pays the employees many dollars to give unemployed people stupid advice. I think I have bitched about their lame asses before.

OOOH JEEZ

You are going to spoil face book for me if you continue to use it as a political forum to un-load your racist, republican, commie paranoia crap on.
STOP IT OR BE DELETED.

Gladys Carp

I am getting calls from Allied Collections. Its called Zombie calls. There is no phone number (it shows up unknown on the id) and a recorded message comes on and tells you to call them right away to take care of "THIS MATTER" then hurriedly gives a number to call. I have never been able to write down the number. THEY keep calling for the previous owner of this cell phone number. I looked them up in a google search. I called them. Mohammad (no kidding) answered the phone. He didn't even say the company name, he merely said "Hello" in heavily accented english. I said, "is this Allied Collections?" he assured me that it was. SO I told him I am getting calls from them and I would like them to stop. He asked me for my phone number... I thought "shoot! here we go" but I cautiously gave him my number. then he asked me for my name. I hesitated only a moment, and I said, "GLADYS CARP" and I spelled it out for him, he said, "wait a minute while I research that name." then he put Abhaya on the line. Abhaya said he had to research the name... "he surmised that Gladys Carp was not in his data base. He asked me to spell the name again, then agreed that she was not in his data base. He asked me if I knew where the previous owner of the phone number went. THEY clearly don't know how phone numbers work around here. I tried to explain about how cell phone numbers are assigned and no one knows the previous user of the number... but he didn't understand. He did assure me most effectively that Gladys would not get anymore calls from them.
IF Gladys gets any calls, I will know they are a scam. Gladys is merely an invention of mine, like national weazle day.

it is NATIONAL WEAZLE DAY

AND.. my definition of Weazle is getting out of something extremely tedious. I got out of a ticket, and I got half the money back on the parking space I paid for... and I dropped school for my mental health. it is going to come back and bite me in the butt, however right now this moment, I don't have to write a bunch of papers in APA format, and I don't have to drive to BOISE, and I can look for work full time...YAY.
Dr. Armentrout sees me on Monday. I am feeling pretty fragile right now, but I can see the bright side of national weazle day.

Pissed off in Idaho

Dear Harold,
At this time I am using foodstamps and have no income. I am being solicited by debt collectors day and night.
My medical insurance has been cancelled and I have severe medical problems that I cannot get medication for.
My son has no father and I have to buy second hand clothes for him. I am unable to provide him with the things he needs.
I know that you are a scam, and it isn't nice to lie to people.
Espcially people as angry as me, kindly go fuck yourself
Sincerely
Pissed off in IDaho
“He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armor shouting All the Gods are bastards."

Terry Pratchett



--- On Mon, 9/21/09, Sgt. Harold N. Seabrook wrote:


From: Sgt. Harold N. Seabrook
Subject: Greetings!
To:
Date: Monday, September 21, 2009, 8:58 AM


Good day and compliments, I know this letter will definitely come to you
as a huge surprise, I am Sgt. Harold N. Seabrook, a Georgian soldier,
serving in the Infantry battalion, Iraq.

I am desperately in need of your assistance and I have summoned up courage
to contact you. I am presently in Iraq and I found your contact particulars
in an address journal. I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of
$8,750,000.00 USD to the states or any safe country, as far as I can be
assured that it will be safe in your care until I complete my service here.
This is no stolen money and there are no dangers involved.

Respectfully,
Sergeant Harold N. Seabrook
Special Troops Battalion (S5) Georgian Soldier
AL-ADEL VILLAGE IRAQ

Be careful what you wish for

What I think I want:
Stability, Job, No more classes, wellness, maybe a nice guy to enjoy activities with.
Nice things for my son.
Less Stress
More Self Esteem.

AND gregg legg

He sent me an email stating that he sees I have contacted his wife and he is not happy.
Of course this pissed me off.
I haven't thought of him in weeks, except to thank my lucky stars that he was leaving me alone.
He is paranoid. I told him that I hadn't contacted his wife and didn't know her name, and he said nice try... F>>>NICE TRY??? What the hell?
I just saw him two times, what does he think, that he made such an impression on me that I had to meet his wife? WHO he stated was his ex- and that is a lie.
I saved his paranoid e-mails in case he causes me problems later.
His name is Greggory Legg... Gregg Legg, ha ha haaaa. His parents must have known what a yuck he was going to be.

12850 and it all sux.

So the weirdi that sent my spidey senses tingling decided to drop me. "YOU don't even believe in GOD!"
Wow that is a good reason, I am proud of the little flake.
THEN the dude from wilder got on my yahoo messenger and asked me to call him. I thought I had that guy blocked, I cannot afford to talk to him... he probably is out of groceries again and wants me to shop for him. It was very expensive last time and he never paid for the gas. Besides Gun Toting creeps make me nervous. I just blocked him after telling him I was working on school projects.
He hasn't talked to me for a month, so YOU know he wants me to run errands for him.
He chose to isolate himself not me. I cannot forget that he watched me grab what he thought was a hot electric wire without even warning me. He is just too creepy for words.
Well the other Yahoo that was asking me what I looked like etc, decided I was coming over to his house in Meridian for drinks. I told him I was NOT going over to a stranger's house to drink. I told him we could meet in the park with a bottle in the bag and blend in with the yokels. He did not seem to appreciate that, and I haven't heard from him since.
I am thinking this is what is best, Just scare everyone off, they all expect something for nothing. Last night on 20/20 the story of 8 beautiful texas women who were dating one man exclusivly. They did not know about the other women, they thought they were in a monogamous relationship. Some had been with him for four years. He gave them ALL AIDS! He had told them that he was checked periodically and was clean. He lied.
They were older women, and thought they didn't need condoms because they were in an exclusive relationship and could not become pregnant. THIS IS JUST A WARNING! when it comes to your body, Don't trust anyone.
I cried when I watched that show last night. They were all goodhearted intelligent women. HE Murdered them, he should go to prison for life.
When the police would not, Could not do anything they staked themselves outside of his house and warned all the women that came to visit him. However several more women contracted AIDS before he was sent to prison.
He knew all along that he had it.
I think that anyone who knowingly has AIDS and infects another human being should recieve the death penalty.
And the latest, Sombody named Mike Peavey popped up on my yahoo messenger. He was not a contact, I Don't even know how people do that He offered me a job flagging, then proceeded to ask me what I look like etc. He gave me an email address to send my resume' and a copy of my driver's license too. I am not sending my drivers license, but I thought it couldn't hurt to send a resume' to. EXCEPT it has my address and phone number on the resume' OH WELL... anyway it bounced back, so I emailed him at his peavy e-mail and he sent me the correct e-mail to apply for the job.
AND it sounds like a scam to me, yes it does. He said we should meet in Boise when he gets to town. AND... why should we I wonder?
BASTARDS.

And then....

I am so small

I must keep smiling so the universe can think of more perverse punishment for being naive
The government said they can give me 200 dollars a month if I qualify. Anyone ever hear someone say, "Well they are on welfare, that's why they can afford that new car."? I have heard that stuff before. You know what? It ain't the life of Riley, I said, give me a job, I don't want 200 bucks of month that I have to try and leap my tired ass through hoops of flame for.
Anyone thinks government help is a bowl of cherries can kiss my ass.
Then... I got notice from the brilliant university that I owe them five hundred dollars because I dropped a class. JEEEZ Louize!! I called them. they said, I had to pay that back. I do not have it obviously.
I know!! they can take my 260 dollar parking pass and apply that to the bill, I think that parking pass is stupid anyway, I have to walk a mile to class, that's why I am too sore to go to class again tonight.
SOMETHINGS gotta give here, I am weary of all the set backs.
I am not going to get my social work degree, I am not going to get a degree, if I even survive the winter it will be a miracle.
I need something good to happen.
SO I joined this online dating site. It's called Plenty of fish. I found it by accident, I was looking for "the Voice of Reason" a Reggae band I heard at "art in the park" in Boise on Saturday. Don't ask me how that ended up being a dating site, but it was. ANYWAY, I have been getting a lot of the guys that want "something" for nothing. MAN men can be such assholes. So this nice guy starts talking to me online, and I am thinking... he is nice and he isn't asking me about my ass size. So he says, "Can I call you?" and I said sure, so we talked for over an hour. he sang songs and talked about music, and it was lots of fun. I noticed he asked the same questions over a few times... that's ok I thought; we all do that... BUT he asked me four times if I had a dog... THEN he went ape shit! totally ape shit about me saying I hadn't talked to anyone online from plenty of fish yet... he said, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP LOOKING FOR OTHER MEN GO AHEAD!! he was getting really agitated. I hadn't said that, but what if I had? I mean an hour conversation is not a life long commitment is it?
ANYWAY he wrote me a very rude e-mail and I answered him back, that he misinterpreted what I had said, but ANYWAY I don't see why he was upset.
SO THEN... I get an apology letter and he wants to be friends... I haven't answered him back... MY spidey senses are tingling...
I Don't know what his diagnosis is, but I bet it's got a long name, and I BET he is medicated for it.
Sooo this is the next truly WEIRDO I have met... that's three. They are either horny men wanting a quick jump in the sack, or NUTS... what is this anyway? People need to wear warning labels.
AND NOW this other enlightened human being wants to know what size I am... why is he planning on fitting me into something? I Told him my ass is so freakin huge that when I sit in my car it nearly tips over, and SOO Freekin huge that it hits me in the back of the head when I run. That should scare his shallow self off.

12594

SOOO I know I am not cut out to be a prison guard. yeah I know I would make a better social worker, better dog groomer, better babysitter, this I know. I just wanted a job, and I wanted to pull out of this funk I am in. I feel like the un-popular girl in highschool and nobody wants to choose me for their fuckin side. GDAMMIT. Poverty R Us, and I am getting so sick of it, my optomism is down the tube.

More insult to injury

Dear Glena:

Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities with Idaho Department of Correction and for the time and effort given to our selection process.

We have reviewed your background and qualifications and find that we do not have an appropriate position for you at this time for the position of Correctional Officer. We appreciate your interest in Idaho Department of Correction and wish you success in your job search.

Please visit the State of Idaho website to view future job postings at www.dhr.idaho.gov. Please note that you must submit a separate application package for each open position.

Best wishes in your job search and continued success in your career.


Human Resources
Idaho Department of Correction

I hate you!

Dear anonymous health and welfare,

I have called your office every day since I received my interview letter. The first two days I received a call back and was told that the information I sent was not in the system yet.

After that I did not receive a call back after I called and left my phone number and a brief message. Yesterday August 31, I received a call back stating that the health and welfare computers were down and I must call back the next day.

TODAY I have school, I called as soon as I was out, Today I received my cancellation letter in the mail because I have not been compliant with the rules.

I have been compliant, it is not my fault that your offices are overworked. It is not my fault that I have not been given an interview for food stamps, I sent all the information in two days after I received the re-certification notice. Which I might note have been coming closer and closer together. I am still a starving student trying to feed my twelve year old son, and I am still un-employed, not something that I want to be. I have sent out applications everywhere and have not found a job. You can be certain that when I do find a job I will alert your office immediately because I am too old and fat to jump through the numerous hoops that the H and W offices try to get me to jump through.

Kindly yours

Glena Dusky

Remember the time?

My daughter was in the fifth grade and was struggling to learn how to tell time. I have learning disabilities and was thinking I wasn’t the best person to teach her. At a teachers conference I mentioned to her teacher, Mr. Coe that Janelle was struggling with learning how to tell time, He smiled sweetly and said he would be happy to help her. I was very pleased, but not later on when I found out what his methods of teaching were. My daughter was awkward and very shy, we had moved from Seattle to Idaho, and the clothing styles were very different, and my daughter was already the scape goat of cruel jokes. I mistakenly thought that having the teacher on her side would boost her self esteem.
My daughter came home one day with tears streaking her face, I asked her what was wrong, and she said if she told me, I would probably tell Mr. Coe her teacher and he would make her life even worse.
It turns out that Mr. Coe’s teaching method consisted of making Janelle stand up and tell the class what time it was. Of course she couldn’t tell time, so he would make her stand out in the hall for hours and ask everyone that came up the stairs what time it was. This went beyond humiliation. I could not understand why someone entrusted in teaching children would be so stupid. I went to the principle of the school and he said that Mr. Coe had been a good teacher for many years and had the support of parents and other teachers and it was just my word against his. I was afraid that my child’s life was going to be even worse now that I had “told” on Mr. Coe. I did inadvertently solve the problem in my own spontaneous way. I really hate to admit that I did this, but here goes… After leaving the principles office feeling as down trodden as my little girl, I saw Mr. Coe walking to his car. There was happiness in each step and he seemed on top of the world, whistling a happy tune. SO I attempted to run over him with my little car. He jumped out of the way, and I hollered out the window that next time I wouldn’t miss. Actually I don’t think I intended on hitting him, I just wanted him to know the extent of my feelings. Oddly he never reported me, and my daughter was left alone after that incident.
My daughter is now thirty years old and a Neo-natal Nurse at St. Luke’s, Mr. Coe is in a drunk tank somewhere in Idaho. HA! Mother prevails
I am not really sure how this applies to Zonal Perspective, my feelings were very complex, Shock, Dismay, Betrayal. But I never tattled on Janelle to the teacher in order for her to be punished, I wanted her to receive help that I as unable to give her. She is very bright, and I didn’t want her held back because I was unable to teach her how to tell time.
The book Zonal Perspective states; that personality traits remain stable; this means I think that I am still basically the same person who attempted to run over a bad teacher. I go the correct route when faced with a dilemma, then if things don’t happen the way I think they are supposed to I have a temper tantrum. I have an over inflated view of right and wrong and what is fair, I know this about me, but I hope that I am more civilized then the young mother who showed her displeasure to the fifth grade teacher, who should not been allowed to train a bunch of poodles let alone precious children.
I am a social work major; I think sometimes because of my personality that I should give up going to school. My personality from early childhood has always been overly honest to a fault, a fighter for truth and justice, ( I should have a red cape) I don’t always think the rules apply to me, but I actually like rules because following rules makes it fair for everyone most of the time.
Knowing that personality is constant from childhood has filled me with hope and apprehension at the same time, I am DOOMED! Even recently when I was registering my twelve year old for the sixth grade he said, “Please Mom, I don’t want to be known as the kid whose mother threw a temper tantrum at the principle on the first day of school.” I was ticked because they sent me a letter with my name and address on it, and asked me to prove that I lived there in order to register my kid into school. We live in the same place we had lived for the past four years and now they want proof? Who thinks of this stuff? But I digress.