The Doctor's Office called 14 days and counting.

The official news is in.
Made me wait long enough I grumble.
Severe inflamation of the stomach, (no duh) the stomach empties out properly, which means I will probably get the operation to stop the acid reflux. and the nodules are cancer free. Don't know what they will do about the over production of acid though.
No Cancer. I have to say that I am somewhat thankful for this experience, it gave me new perspective on how people feel when they are terminal, it made me realize that there is so much junk in our lives that is un-important. Reminded me to be true to myself and fight for myself, no one else fights for me like I do.
Thank You Thank You!!

Tonie

I'm your greatest fan!

What I don't like, why suffer in silence?

1)Adorable little kids who belt out heart wrenching songs their over zealous parents put them up to.
2)Sentimental twaddle sent to me in the form of "true" stories in my e-mail
3)Cancer awareness week, every freaking month. We are aware, we know, we have known someone, we know we know, shut the hell up already.
4)Lies about socialized medicine, lies about Obama's birth origins, LIES period!
5)People who forward crap without researching it first to make sure its true. All the fake snopes sights I cannot begin to count.
6)Every stupid touching e-mail forwarded to me, you know who you are!
7)people, especially family members who don't like me unless I can do what they want.
8) ungrateful irritating entitled people.

what can be done about smug people

I know I should quit stewing about this. She is an asshole. She has her little degree, and she has her little cliche of people she hangs with, (all of them 30 years younger then her and very impressed with her) she has her power and her opinions.
I have such a hard time with injustice. I have a hard time when people see me incorrectly.
I am certain this job is going to end soon. I have tried to keep a positive attitude in spite of the bad review, I am doing my job better then ever, but the gray cast over everything doesn't go away. OOOH LET ME FIND A BETTER JOB SOON!!!
I think they are trying to wait me out, I got a surprise for them, I have no place to go, so I am clinging with sharp fingernails and teeth. They will have to fire me.
I would like to see some justice, but I have learned in life, that happens rarely, the insipid jerks in power go on and are well fed, the deserving hard working people continue to be misunderstood. Life isn't fair Mother said, she ought to know.

Afi puts a gray cast on everything

Tuesday, I go to school with the six year old. His diagnosis is Aspbergers and hyper active attention deficits. He is a pretty good kid, he doesn't respond well to change of plans. After school we went to the center (Where I work) and flew kites in the field, he was ecstatic he had never flown a kite before. I couldn't get him to quit dragging it on the ground. As most small children he was reluctant to roll up the string and try running with it again. When he got it up in the air, he kept running and this brought the kite down. All in all he had a blast.
I told him if there is wind we will try and fly them on Thursday. I have him two days a week for four hours each time.
The bad job review still hangs over my head and it's hard for me to be enthusiastic when they have marked me as a poor employee. They told me I am a few points above termination. I feel like anytime they will fire me.
They are not about facts, or making things work, they are about their opinions and blaming.

Wake up Wake up the sun!

I am thinking about moving to an upstairs apartment. I am kicking around the idea before I commit. There is a good and bad list, but mostly, I like living on the top, I can have my windows open and not feel like someone could break in. I like safety. I also don't like when the upstairs neighbors flood their apartment mine gets wet, nor do I like when they overload their garbage disposal my dump site in the laundry room explodes with remnants of dinner. DISGUSTING! When their air conditioner froze up; water filled my laundry room. My laundry room is the magnet for all the spillage, the linoleum is ruined in there. NOT my fault.
The carpets will have to be replaced, and there are some door frames that Sherman has scratched down to the wood, plus all the nail holes that I put into a place. I will most definitely lose the deposit, and possible owe more when they are finished assessing the damage here. Most of it wear and tear on very cheap linoleum and carpet. We are rather hard on places, not intentionally, it just works out that way. My best friend Tonie thinks its all do-able. What an optimist, she has no idea how much stuff is piled in here. I think a ton. Literally. I weighed it once. I pile and stack neatly, you cannot tell what is hidden in here.
Cleaning this place will be a bear, its so packed with book shelves and books, that it hasn't gotten a deep cleaning in awhile. I move things around and vacuum, but that isn't really cleaning. Then there is the ever permeating odor of dog. Eventually shampooing hides it, but it is still there to my offended nose.
I found out for 12.38 I can have the couch hauled away by the disposal company. What a deal! when I have 12.38 I will do this. I thought I might get some big pillows to toss on the floor until I can afford a couch. I cannot stand this red and green plaid couch. It is falling apart, the cushions won't stay put, it is too worn to donate to anyone but the landfill.
Bad things: I would have to change the mail, cable, gas and power. I would have to haul all that heavy stuff upstairs. I am not getting any younger, I dislike lifting heavy things. Tonie and her daughter are tiny, they think they are burly! I would rather have two brawny guys move the heavy stuff. ANYWAY, I am thinking about it. I live on the bottom right on the road, I don't like that, especially in summer when my windows are open. It would be so easy for someone to pop the screen and come right in. Unless the Cocker Spaniel was feeling territorial.

Change the Cat Box, The Musical

Don't you know we're riding the Marrakesh express22456

They're taking me to Marrakesh.
I am feeling fragile, I will be Discussing it later,ad nauseum.

My Tarot Cards YIPES

The card at the top represents one possible mask of your true destination. Nine of Artifacts (Pickman's Model), when reversed: Mental anguish or ill health endured and overcome. Refusal to be dragged down by the dishonor of others. Attempting to avert a shameful or regrettable act. Faithfulness, patience and unselfishness. May indicate the narrow avoidance of a death or other catastrophic loss.

Just Bento

How fun would it be to have a lunch like that every day?

scared

Under fifteen percent survive over five years. Nodules usually means stomach cancer.

Dist in cases

I don't want this to be one of those "famous last word" statements. But remember in the nineties when the doctor was 100 percent sure I had Multipleschrosis? It turned out I didn't have it, just fibermyalgia and over active nervous system.
Now it appears I may have stomach cancer. Just a note, if I end up living my last few months in a hospital bed wasting away from cancer, I am not going to be a gracious patient, and I am going to be a big drama queen and I am going to be difficult, they will drag me to the grave kicking and screaming. I want a recount! Dammit, and if I meet God on the other side I will explain to him about my lack of faith.

Terrible Job review

******** It was based on opinion and not fact. The good thing they said was Paper work is always finished and turned in on time. I am friendly and get along with my co-workers and my clients are genuinely cared about.
I guess they had to say the nice stuff or there would be no reason to keep me on. I am only a few points above termination.
They said I am not assertive enough, and I acted like I feared the client I had several months ago... Yeah the one that went to prison for his anger issues, the one that spontaneously wants to jump out of my car and pound on the window of the woman in the car in front of us. I just eased through our sessions. I said it was like having a rope attached to a hurricane standing on a cliff. I meant him. I was not trained to take him around for sessions. He was a scary person. What do they expect? I really want to live a long life.
They weren't happy about my paper work skills, and they said, "I don't ask questions if I don't know I am doing something wrong." To which.. even though I had promised I would keep silent during the review I said, " I wouldn't ask if I didn't think I was doing something wrong, would i?"
She said was there anything I wanted to add. I said No. she said, ARE you sure? I said NO. I left feeling dejected, and I knew that anything I said would not be taken into consideration, I was very sure about that. Especially since I had gone to one case manager several times because EL's goals weren't helping him, and she wrote on my review that I didn't go to her when I Thought things weren't working. Hmm? is that why we had the big meeting and they asked for my impute and we changed his goals, BECAUSE OF ME>>>>> and yet the review said I never asked for help.
That's whey I didn't bother to write a rebuttal on the stinking review. After that why give a shit, I am going to LOOK for work, there has to be another company out there that I can work with. These guys are not what they say they are.

EGD with Biopsy

The test went well, no evidence of Hiatal Hernia. Vocal cords appear to be healed, Appearance of Chronic gastritis, Nodules in stomach, pre-pyloric. I don't know what that means, they did a biopsy of the nodules. They want to do another study called a Ambulartory PH monitoring.
I even got photos.. yucky

The Coming storm------------------21897

I don't believe I have ever cried for a place like I have Brookings. When I lived in Elko Nevada I tried for 1 and 1/2 years to get back. I wish things were different. I don't want to be old to be where I want to be.
I am glad for the experiences that I have had in other cities, I am glad for the people I have come to love. I am thankful for my Grand Children so near, and my daughters so dear, but I want to go home. If I had a reliable car Daine and I could go for a few days, just to walk on the beach and hear the call of the birds and smell that salty air.

Magical Charm-----------------21894

Short term, I want a better job, a reliable car, it doesn't have to be new, just able to make it to the coast and back.
Short term I want to get rid of stuff I have collected and paint all the shelves in my house white, I want to clean up my porch and get plants out.

Long Term, I want to go home where the waves crash on the rocks and you can hear the seals barking at night. Home where it rains a lot and is warm. Home where you can go down to the dock and pick out your dinner. I have been gone too long.

Oh for the day! and I see it coming.

If I could say what I truly feel from the deep down darkness of my hardened heart, if I could impart to you my sincerity and honest way of thinking,I would. Then it occurs to me I don't give a flying rats behind about you pecker heads anyway.
I know by instinct who I can trust, and who I can reel out a little information, and who is in this world for themselves only. Who is frightened and who is evil, and who is stupid, and who is wholehearted.
I do not see myself in the mirror of your impression of me, I see myself for who I am. The last one standing has the last laugh.

Sunday========21705

Where did my weekend go?
Yesterday was spent in the delightful company of five kids, missing were 8 year old Olivia staying at a friends house, and 2 year old Ruby in the hospital trying to get re-hydrated after being sick for several days.
Ruby is home now and looking plumped back up.
I haven't anything earth shaking to write about at five AM. The dog woke me up at three ringing the bell on the door like a mad thing, he must have had some tummy distress from all the food he scored from the grand kids yesterday. He pays for it every time he helps himself to people food, but he continues to do it.
I had a cup of tea, not such a great idea for my stomach either. I am similar to the dog, I know what I like and what my stomach will allow are two different things. Yet I continue to do it anyway, at least on a small scale.
The Easter Bunny has arrived, I put the basket up high so the dog doesn't get sick.
I am going back to bed for awhile. NO MORE BELL RINGING DOG!

Fork stuck in the road

The Ratwagon is a 1988 Nissan Stanza station wagon. complete with chipped paint and dents. The middle seat belt was tasty so the cocker spaniel ate it. It smells funky even when its clean which is rare. I keep it tidy, but I don't vacuum it out as much as I should with all the use it gets. It was abandoned in a field for five years, so it has some "issues" I happen to really like the car, not so much after it lost first gear. I think it needs a new "thingey" I used to only date mechanics or computer techs out of necessity. However... now just somebody who "gets" me would be nice.
The area I live in is quiet except for the shootings. It's clean and pristine except for the smell of the beet factory which we can only think is reminiscent of roasted ass. Not that I ever smelled that, but I can guess. This is my own private Idaho, note "THE GEM STATE" not the famous potato state....
I was raised up north in a logging town called Pierce Idaho, you can google it sometime. I went back for a visit after 30 years and the townspeople still remembered me. Odd because I was a good kid.
Lots of trees here, but they had to bring them in from other states as southern Idaho is desert. They call Boise the city of trees, because the towns fathers couldn't think of anything else to call it. Nampa simply is the armpit of Idaho. Nampa is where I have the privilege of calling home. I am planning my escape to the Oregon coast. More on that later!

Mom's Rose

My best friends BlogSpot.

Does your vanity know no bounds? 21220

That one is for she who will remain nameless.
Part one of my work day is over, part two consists of two hours with a fat kid that hates me. Apparently she hates everyone that makes her move. I won't let her take the elevator, I park far away from the places we go shopping. She wiiiiinnnneessss. I don WAAANNNAAA. I smile sweetly and tell her, it's good to get your heart pumping.
It can only get worse from here. She wrote on the black board Wednesday, " I hate Glena Dusky" I Told her she spelled my name wrong and corrected the spelling. SIGH.. I didn't react, but sometimes... Sometimes. the little devil in me would like to say "back atcha fatso"
however I am kind.
I care about her, but I think I have lost the battle. Her other tech lets her do what she wants, and doesn't bother to teach her. I won't allow her to tear into packages in the store and handle things she is not buying. I tell her that is rude. She says, "WHY!" and I say because if I wanted to buy something I wouldn't pick the thing you just damaged. Get my drift? She doesn't get it. Her kind father beams when I bring back his pudgy little gem. He will be the only one in her life to give her unconditional love. I see a grim future, one fraught with a cheating husband and seven ungrateful kids, but Daddy beams on. SIGH...

So uneventful so Dull

Today I am bored of pain, I am bored of feeling sick. I read fairy tales in bed. I think of new things to do to forget pain.

I want to get away, I want to fly away

I heard a rumor that the lowly workers of our company get more hours in the summer. I also heard there is dissension in the ranks. They hired about 10 more newbies with the purpose of weeding out those who make more then 8 bucks an hour. This does not apply to me.
I am still at the 8 an hour.
WHY are employers so greedy? They are rolling in it, and the trusted employees they have are better then what they haven't tested yet. ONE would think.
Also Hat boy and text girl are still working. Suspicion has edged away from me, I have learned to keep my mouth shut and go with the flow. It is a shame, I really am talented in this area. It's not wanted or needed. I am not the only one who feels like this, many employees have come and gone before me, striving to make a change.
I shall work and stay in the groove, and keep looking for something else that is a better fit, at least for now, it's six hundred a month and far better then nothing a month. Right? Right.

Bubble Bubble Toil and trouble --------20748

It's not better I wail and moan. I bitch, I digress I am annoyed. So I am sent to a Doctor Wood in Meridian that will look down my throat with a scope and decide if my esophagus is well enough, and my stomach digests quickly enough, if these things are determined they will operate.
I am not sure what it is called but they wrap the tube from my stomach to the throat around the stomach so it cannot back up anymore acid into my throat. Sounds lovely doesn't it?
If I qualify for this operation I will never throw up again. The downside is if you have to, it will sit in your gut, and can be very unpleasant. I will never burp again, I suppose I can figure out where that will go.
I can say, shit fuck stupid asshole, but I cannot say "fart" sometimes I am such a priss.
I don't know the down time if I get the operation, but I think I should get it, I have done everything the doctor has asked me and I am not better. Will I get to sleep on my back again? Will I get to have a glass of wine? How about Eggplant Parmesan? Garlic? Mexican food?

Did you know that was me?

I was getting tired of people sounding off on facebook. They stand on their christian values and feel entitled to be upset that America voted in Health Care Reform. Obviously the ones with money... I look into the sad eyes of the people wandering the street with no place to go. No one can take them in, many are insane. Who cares? Not the fucking health care system in our country. So.. another one of my larks, I started the group "The people who refuse to turn Facebook into a political forum" Part of me is quietly alarmed, and the other part is laughing her ass off as usual.
Its tough being me.
I may have to delete the group, or skip the country. Sitting back and watching.

Now wasn't that fun?

For lack of anything else, I nested today.
I cleaned, I mopped, I washed, but I avoided most of all.
I dived into Sims for a few hours of fantasy. Back to the real world.

Hey Hey observations

How come I am the only one who noticed you are a dumbass? I didn't think my powers of observation were far surpassing everyone else.
Janelle gets step two in eradicating SPOT. Out spot out... Stain? that's a better moniker for son in law number one. hee hee.
I eat therefore I suffer. I couldn't help it... I had Lovely green salad with tomatoes, avocado. Then... I had the audacity to have corn on the cob and a little piece of kielbasa, will the madness never cease? NOW I am suffering, I am having a shock Top. I think it helps...
When do I get to eat like normal people again? Just wondering.
20322

Happy Birthday Ungrateful Pets

All the animals were born in March. So we celebrate today, if you aren't doing anything Sherman is hosting the beer, and the cats are buying the cake.
Sherman, Phantom James, and Nodkin were all born in 2006, Geilaise was born in 2008.
Back to reality, I have an hour to get out the door, I better eat something and put on some green.
Have a lovely St. Pattys day

better shake my tail feathers

So much to do, so little time, so much apathy.

Karma Testing?=====20052

I had a job offer, more money, more hours...They said I can't give notice, I must start right away. I Told them I can't take the job then, I cannot leave the kids I am working with, with no notice.

What do I want

I really don't want anything,you already know that. You are such a magical person, I knew that nine years ago, and I see your smile everywhere I look, and there is the faint scent of patchouli in the air. The magic is still here.
What ever tomorrow brings I'll be there.

Creepy becomes her

Hagdal Spread ----- 19717

The card at the bottom of the circle represents something you did to bring the situation about. 7 Anfore (Temptation): Daydreams and things seen in the glass of contemplation. The scattering of energies by strong desires and unrealistic goals. The pursuit of illusions and the dissipation of energy on false choices. Intoxication, delirium, and hallucination, leading to the negation of effort. Under rare and extreme circumstances, may indicate the revelation of transcendental spiritual truth.

The card at the bottom left of the circle represents your beliefs, impressions, or expectations. 4 Anfore (Luxury), when reversed: New and unusual relationships and opportunities. The reawakening of your appetite for life or love. The path of excess leading to spiritual rejuvenation and the appearance of novel ambitions.

The card at the bottom right of the circle represents the most likely outcome of the situation given present circumstances. Carbone (The Hanged Man): Pausing to reflect. Surrendering to an experience. Adjusting to new ideas through sacrifice. Opening oneself to intuition and enhanced awareness. Letting go of past patterns and growing beyond them. Inner peace, faith, and serenity.

The card at the upper left of the circle represents the spiritual history of the situation the things you've learned. Regina di Anfore (Queen of Cups), when reversed: The dark essence of water, such as a deep and foreboding lake: Discomfort with the worlds of mind and matter, leading to a retreat to the spiritual. The embrace of negative relationships, driven by the desperate fear of being alone. Devotion to fantasies and daydreams, to the exclusion of practical skills or the pursuit of knowledge. Insecurity leading to dishonor, vice, and undue susceptibility to outside influences.

The card at the top of the circle represents the spiritual tasks and challenges of the present situation. Catulo (The Hierophant): Faith in tradition and the old school. A justified and ancient source of power. Being supportive, sympathetic and loyal. Receiving instructions, learning, guidance or inspiration. The ability to hear a higher or inner voice. May also indicate a religious ritual, such as a marriage or an initiation.

The card at the upper right of the circle represents the metamorphosis of the spiritual situation, and how your knowledge will evolve. 1 Anfore (Ace of Cups), when reversed: The seed of a destructive relationship or spiritual collapse. A missed opportunity for joy, contentment, fertility, or enlightenment. Failing to understand the emotional needs of those around you. May represent an unexpected message, a chance meeting, or the start of a friendship or romance.

The card at the left of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will sustain your spiritual journey. Mario (The Emperor), when reversed: Weakness in character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect. Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or demagogue.

The card in the middle of the lower line represents the qualities that you express in this circumstance. 8 Dischi (Prudence): Dedicating yourself fully to a task. Learning a new craft or skill. Applying painstaking attention to detail. Industriousness and the efficient completion of tasks. Sticking with a project long enough to see it through.

The card at the right of the lower line represents the person or qualities that will reveal spiritual knowledge. 10 Anfore (Satiety), when reversed: Dissipation, debauchery, and stagnation. Taking one's good fortune for granted. Problems in domestic and social matters. A false love or infatuation, leading to a lack of fulfillment.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Hagall spread is a tool for revealing the path of spiritual growth in difficult situations. It is a favorite of mystics and those confronting a major life challenge. The Sola Busca Tarot is a color embellished reproduction of the only known extant 15th century Tarot deck engraved on metal. It is the choice of purists and those seeking a direct channel with the dawn of Western occultism.
The card in the middle of the circle represents the core or central issue of the situation. Panfilio (The Magician): Mastery over word, mind, and matter. The ability to turn ideas into actions, handle problems, and control one's life. The initiation of new projects, great works, or a new way of life. Eloquent and moving communication. Arcane and eldritch technologies

My friend will be here tomorrow---19638

I haven't planned anything, I only have idea's. Friday it's "The Blues Bouquet" and maybe the "Balcony" or the "emerald Club" what self respecting healthy all American boy can resist a gay bar complete with colorful transvestites? Saturday a drive somewhere, perhaps a picnic, or maybe the WWII museum. Or maybe the Art Museum downtown Boise, or maybe just downtown boise. Still burning ideas. I was thinking a play on 8th street, but I don't know what's playing and if we can get in on short notice. AND I am excited as all get out, it will be lovely to have company.

A day at Walters Ferry

This is my 12 year old son and Me. I think the time is just around the corner when he won't want to be seen with me, so I am enjoying him as much as I can.
Tonie?
I can say "best friend" can't I? I have never met such a wonderful open upbeat woman.
I am proud you are my friend.
Sunday Tonie suggested Walters Ferry for an outing. We loved it.
Tonie you are an angel on earth!
My 12 year old viking liked it too. Its so good to take him places, we don't have money, in fact we are below poverty level right now, I expect this situation to right itself, but I have been expecting that for a long time.
Walters Ferry is free, you just have to get there.

Yesterday Seriously Sucked

My client required a nap, without knowing quite what I should do I chose to sit in the hall and wait for the teacher's summons if he began to act up. This was not a good choice I know now. One of the trainer higher ups appeared at the top of the stairs and raised her eyebrows at me, she asked me what I was doing. At the moment I had no idea who she was so I didn't know what answer she wanted. I told her I was waiting on T, but also doing some paperwork. She began questioning me on several procedures. ( I didn't know this was going to be a test!) I don't do well when I am un-prepared. I told her this was the first time he had requested lying down, and I wasn't sure what my course of action should be, I don't want to disturb the class but I also didn't want T out of my sight. She went on and on about how this was bad, and medicaid won't pay etc.. I could see this was about money. For me it's about not doing my job well enough. I told her in my frustration that there are times I don't know what I am supposed to do, I don't think there are enough guidelines. She said, "OH I AM SORRY." very sarcastically. I shut my mouth. This company underpays unqualified people to do a job that should require a license and MORE training. Only I don't think that should be the tact that I take when I get questioned today. If I want to keep this job I need to open my eyes more and open my mouth less. She lectured me for twenty minutes, and I answered as well I could. I just wasn't sure what to say, this was the first time I had sat in the hall, she didn't believe me, she asked me about the other tech, which I don't know anything about, only that Mrs. C the kindergarten teacher doesn't like Sabrina. I didn't tell my boss that, because it's only subjective and I am very good at inserting opinion when it is not asked for. I really felt like being unprofessional under the rapid fire questioning. I rather doubt I looked good. Then I walked away from her because I could hear T talking and he is my client. We went to music class where this Trainer interacted with the children and got them all riled up and dancing. I thought, "Is this what she expects me to do?" I avoid interacting for this reason, it only takes a moment for chaos to break out with five and six year olds. They were hugging her and showing off and she was eating it up. I thought, "FOOL!" I am there to keep T under control, not interact with all the clever children. I think in this case my instincts are correct and she was out of line. She observed me interact with T, which is a natural thing between us since I have been seeing him since December. I expect I am going to be written up for sitting in the hall. My only excuse is that I didn't think he would lie down for very long because he never naps. I really hate this company however. If they want us to be professionals they should give us some decent training, end of argument.
Later when I dropped him off at home, his mother told me she was aware of the situation and they are happy with me, and if I would only be more controlling in Mrs. C's class they would have no complaints. I thanked her, because now finally I know what is expected of me. NO one would tell me, do I take him out, do I settle him down do I risk a noisy meltdown? The Company just wants the job to be done,without any of the painful ways it has to be accomplised. I really think I should find something else, this has gone on far enough. I keep thinking every other week I am going to be fired. Then are are people like Hatboy, and texting girl, and goofy who gets employee of the week. I expect the company hasn't got a clue.

we made it to Thursday------19058

I put in my notice with MD, not for the right reasons, like my safety and the fact that he doesn't listen or take suggestions from me. Secretly I hope they put him with Goofy, or HatBoy. My reasons were that I haven't seen him for a month and a half, he cancels every day, and that leaves me with 18 hours a paycheck that I don't get. This isn't right, instead of them telling me, "Well we have to find someone else to take him on", it should be, he has breached our contract and he is out of here. WHY should I be punished for him being undependable? I never figured out what we are teaching people if we continue to let them get away with this crap.
HatBoy should not be a tech. He bribed his client with five bucks if client would complete his paper. Then HatBoy walked off and left client alone in the room. He didn't come back for fifteen minutes. Client asked me to lie for him and tell HatBoy that he did the work, and client produced a page he had done earlier. I told him, I don't lie, and I also don't bribe people to do what they are supposed to do. I was very unhappy with HatBoy. Then HatBoy came back and grabbed client and popped him un-gently in his wheelchair. HatBoy does not like this kid, and this kid is Abysmal, however he deserved to be treated with respect. Should I report what I saw? and who should I report it too...and what should I say? I don't have names only descriptions. I didn't see actual abuse only alarming tactics that I found distasteful. I am not certain AFI would rise to the occasion. Jeez the only person that I really trust right now is fearless leader, imagine that?

The graveyard in your soul-----------------------------18920

I was looking at the graveyard in your soul. It wasn't apparent when we were young, but I sensed its presence on a few occasions. I was too naive and trusting to suspect it could be there. I couldn't fathom its depth. I did not know what abuse does to a young girl over the years. No one for you to ask for help, knuckle down and accept your fate, with an almost christian belief. Though they never allowed you to be christian, you had more long suffering then the best of Christians. When we were older I sensed you wanted what I had. You thought by possessing what I had you would be better; somehow cleaner. You wanted my chastity and my wide eyed innocence. You wanted to trade me lives. Sometimes you hated me with an intensity that I could guess at but never pin down in my stupid self involved thoughts.
I wasn't bad, but how could I be good when I never suffered as you? Years later when your warped reality interfered with our friendship, I let you go. I came back, I always came back and reclaimed you as my friend, and tried to forget the past. You still don't really like me do you? You tolerate me for some reason, but you do not know that I know about the graveyard in your soul. You think me too shallow to understand. But now I Have suffered and I know more about your life then you would have allowed.

The simple things

Cream of wheat cooked in vanilla soy with a tiny pat of butter and sugar. It's lovely and it doesn't make my stomach act up.

I am suitably cowed -------- 18576

Does it even matter? Day to day I live with this stomach existence. Only a few months ago I ate what I wanted to. I have always been health conscience. I liked sauteed veggies, a little pasta, marinara sauce, lemon squeezed on fresh food. NOW jeez Louise I am like some kind of infirm old lady. This morning I dared to eat a few strawberries. 5 of them. I made an electric skillet cake, I haven't made one of those since I was in my twenties. I haven't tried it yet, that's what the strawberries are for.
I can feel the acid seeping up my neck as we speak. ENOUGH ALREADY! I ate a two egg omelet with sauteed mushrooms. No garlic, no herbs, just a bit of sea salt and Monterrey jack cheese. THE tiniest of slices of that. I have decided the doctors can remove my stomach and I will never eat again. Nor will I enjoy a small glass of wine. This pain and swelling along with acid seepage cannot go on. My breath is foul with the acid, my stomach is swollen, I am still losing weight. The doctor says, "I will see you in a month." I am willing to sell my soul if it is of any worth, I highly doubt that my soul is any worth...

2 Motherless girls

I was thinking about Christiana and Maria. Two little girls without a mother. Their father is a very good man, he has no English to help him. They have a harsh existence. One of my tasks was to take CR to Fred Myers and shop. There she saw all the things that she could not have. She is eight, she likes lip gloss and sparkly girl things and Barbie Dolls. If I could I would buy a basket of things for them and leave it anonymously on the porch. They have so very little, and I know there father works very hard.
The trailer smells strongly of propane. I believe it has a gas leak. Do they not know? they try covering the smell with rose room spray, the combination is sickly and turns my stomach.
Christiana, doesn't know about how to handle books gently, or to walk up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. She thinks everything should have a prize if she trys very hard.
I am become a surrogate mother. Teaching her these things, and I want to give her and her sister lip gloss and color crayons...

The day is at hand.

Today is Friday and I am thankful for that. I had a good night, I probably O.D. on PPI and Acid Blockers. The prescription and the over the counter variety. What I am taking is not enough obviously. The Dr. Never did call in the new prescription as she said she would, not sure where she is going with that, I know she is very busy, but it's unlike her to forget, so it must be a glitch with the insurance...yet again.
Today I have EL till 12:45 then MD till 4:00 then CR till 6:15. I am concerned about CR because she leaves school today at three o clock if I am not there and I am not scheduled to be with her till 4:15. There is a problem with translation, CR speaks English, but her father does not and the housekeeper gets things mixed up, or AFI does. Monday they had me at her home at 4:15 and she was at school, Then they said I was to go to the school at 4:15 only thing, she leaves school early on Friday and I don't think they know that. I was sick yesterday, and I can tell by my stomach that it's going to be another hard day, but I must go to work. I am pretty sure that MD will cancel. And now I have to get my stuff together and go into the office and cancel him, I and our program are not doing him any good, and his cancelling is a way to show who is in power, and really I hate games, especially this one.

Ha Ha the joke was on me.--------18349

No more black bean chili. I had a vocal cord attack at 1:00AM. I had gastritis attacks for two days all for a little bowl of beans. Back to eating chicken breasts and rice. I humbly apologise stomach, you rule, you know best. Tuesday I saw the Dr. she did a lung xray, I suddenly started to worry. What if? What if? I wanted to call my daughters, but they think I am over dramatising anyway. My lungs are healthy the xray says. Dr. Keif talked about changing the medication for my stomach. It's a fight with the insurance to get them to let me have medication. They think once a day is enough, and the Dr. said I need it twice. SEE!?? this is why I think insurance companies should be outlawed. They have become too powerful, and they should never dictate to a Dr. what treatment should be allowed. They have no right to tell a Dr. her business. Really torques me off!
Today is Thursday, I am considering calling in sick. I didn't sleep most of the night, I have a raging headache and my stomach is swollen, and there are other atrocities best left unmentioned, however you get my drift, I don't dare pass gas.
Enough of this already! I want to think about happy things, not planning my day around Maalox and nexium. I am tired of wondering if I can eat a little bite of something without more pain. I lost another nine pounds. I don't know when this is going to stop, I am trying to be optimistic. I tried to leave off taking the analgesic yesterday, to see if it's contributing to the stomach pain, but I had so much pain in my legs and shoulders that I wonder if it was worth it. Why do I have to trade one pain for another?

cloudy muddy sky

Cat litter mission for Sissy. Pick up thyroid meds, and Maalox for me. There was a shirt for three dollars, I grabbed it too. In a smaller size, if any good has come out of this stomach hating me ordeal it's all my clothes fitting loosely. Today I am making black bean chili. HA HA stomach the jokes on you. I found I can eat three bites of anything. Almost anyway.
I stare longingly at the bottle of scotch and can of tab. I don't drink very often or very much, but not being able to at all is off putting.
I see Dr. Keif on Tuesday, here's hoping she can pinpoint what it is and fix it and I wont gain back the weight. I rather like this...and another forty and I will be svelte. In a nice way. One can never lose the German heritage ass I am afraid.
Nampa sux, it stinks and is dirty. I would like to be home by the sea, if you can see your way toward granting this wish for me, I might take it upon myself to be a believer. NAHHH
Great! I was looking at the Nampa Idaho press pages, the only thing this city has to brag about is the indoor recreation center. Be warned if you are looking at cities to relocate to, if they don't show you anything but an indoor recreation center, steer away. IT is not known at the banana belt either, lies lies. It's the dirty smelling armpit of the state of Idaho. Obviously not a good selling point.

Sunday 21~~~17951

we started on the same road and ended up on a different road but still the same. Whoda thunk it? I lost my faith around 2005 I think. Things don't add up when you follow all the rules. I am careful who I say that too, I would never argue someone out of believing. Belief is a comfort, without belief is constant question.

Lament 17851

I have noted it's possible to put a ribbon on an ugly thing and pretend it's acceptable.
At the time; I thought it was love. We had radar we knew where the other one was. I knew, then the connection was cut. You really are a bad person, if you are still living. You hate women, but like to draw them in, pet and flatter the weak ones, then cut them up and leave them for the crows. Where did this deep hatred come from? Your mother doted on you. You have left your mark, love or not it was one of the most memorable adventures I ever had. I expect you kidnapped my soul for a little while.
Jimmy Dean I think you are the very devil.

Combo Number five

Still cracks me up.

Today 17239

Getting Dain to clean his room is a tedious process best started early in the morning. You are in for an all day adventure. I bribed, I raged, I gave into several breaks, I fed him, I praised him. I wanted to punt him into traffic.
We donated a lot of clothes, and we tossed a lot of toys in the dumpster. IT isn't done yet.

Hearst Castle

Lulu In Hollywood

I have been reading "Lulu in Hollywood" written by Louise Brooks. She isn't as good of a writer as she thought she was, it's an interesting story, but her descriptions are sometimes tedious to follow. She says she was at the William Randolf Hearst Castle several times with WR's Lover's niece; Pepi Lederer. Whoa! try to say that three times very fast. Pepi Lederer was her friend. Pepi jumped from a building to her death in 1935. I think Louise Brooks writes rather coldly of someone she had called "friend".
When I looked at the guest list on the front page of the castle website, there is no mention of Louise Brooks. Perhaps... because she wasn't as famous as Clark Gable or some of the others, William Randolph didn't think she counted.
I am not sure what I think of Louise Brooks, she seemed a bit spoiled and full of herself. Her stardom not so much, but I would have to see one of her silent films before I made the final call.

As Janelle would say, "where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?"

BHUUUUHAAHAAAA
My stomach still hates me and I wonder what type of fucked up genius would carry a torch for an unworthy encephalopod for the past thirty years? In-between meaningless affairs that stretch on forever. Linda Said...I would never have a relationship after Mikey, I would go from affair to affair and have unnecessary strings attach to me because of them, but I would never find the right guy till I was quite old... like maybe fifty or something. I worked out the math, I was supposed to meet him when I was 47. I even have a firm picture in my head of what he looked like, but it never happened, I missed a connection somewhere. Gawd! a few times. He was tall, over six foot, silver hair that he wore long. He had on faded jeans and a pale blue shirt. He was crazy about me. I think he got hit by a bus before we had our assignation. REALLY Sux. or he is with the wrong woman, wishing for happiness. AND I go through several possibilites in my head with every man I meet. Notice not women. Just not interested in women. Though I am sure the right woman knows more about making a relationship then any man I have ever known. Ahh well what I meant to say is JJ I need to put this torch out, its starting to burn my fingers, and you never did "get" me anyway. I am looking for a poet with a strong heart.

Oh Thank You! 16769

Md likes me and wants to retain me as his tech. Just goes to show you that things can go from awful to touchingly pitiful in the space of a few minutes. I feel like I have a kite string attached to a hurricane...just before the cliff. So do I ride it out or jump? Some role model I am, I Have taught him how to make fun of people and be insubordinate. Only in the face of professionalism, you do not make fun of people to their face. Hmm maybe I am of some use after all. Maybe teaching him to have opinions but not voice them isn't so bad. I mean we all have evil thoughts, its just the greatest majority of us know when it is inappropriate to express them. I call my trainer "fearless Leader" Md thinks this is very funny, he holds it above my head, he would like to tell my trainer what I call her. He doesn't quite understand why this is so funny. She is the Teutonic Germanic type blue eyed blond, Fearless Leader fits her; to the older then dirt crowd. She probably never heard of Bullwinkle Moose.

My stomach Hates me

When it all comes down to it, I don't give a damn. How many "fans" can Jesus get on face book? OOH JEEZ. Fan = Fanatic. Fanatical behaviour is not encouraged in christian groups.
Glena Dusky tagged you in a photo on ShoppyBag
THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. ShoppyBag, is a shitty shopping site that steals your e-mails and sends off invitations to join them addressed from YOU. Try to click on the "Report this e-mail" link. it says unlawful use of unsubscribe button. Who do they think they are kidding? They certainly pissed me off. SO I am telling everyone I know which amounts to about two hundred friends, and their friends, and their friends.
I am waiting on the tax return that was supposed to be in my bank by Friday. Looks like Monday, I want to pay up the rent and try to take care of the power bills and car insurance with the rest. NOT going to be rolling in dough.
bitch and moan, I know.

OH Extremely Bite ME! 16441

Not sure about today. I am euphorically happy about odd stuff. E will be gone from my mind shortly. I think he is very smart, he must know that I am not buying the "I can't figure out what you want" routine. Glena No likey dirty smutty joke, no likey penis, poop, body function, jail rape humor. Those that do, more power to you, but don't send that stuff to me. What is humor? I don't really know how to define that one, but for me it's things that are not cruel,are silly and poke fun at every day situations. Defining humor takes some of the mystery out of it. Making my son laugh is one of my favorite things.
Funny and Ironic. Mikey is cheating on Becky. Not a big surprise, but I was sure he couldn't get it up anymore. He has killed off his testosterone with alcohol. Plus the fact he never was very good in the sex department anyway. EVER. Women will tolerate a lot when they are young, but I hope as they get older they quit tolerating the lazy lovers. Hope he is sheathing that puppy, he is a walking virus we all know. Spreading the Cervical cancer for all. Married men that cheat. Very low on the food chain in my opinion. Well B, you wanted him, you got him, congratulations, I bet you are merely waiting him out to collect the house. How long can that bastard live anyway? Probably a good long while, my womanizing drinking Dad is 92 and still going strong last I heard. Surprisingly I have been surrounded by womenizing men my whole life, I can appreciate their dilemna from afar, but everybody gets old some day, and who can you turn to when you have screwed everyone? Just wondering.

The Tumbleweed Connection

This song is about the death of a soldier who is passing over to the other side. The lyrics were written by Bernie Taupin. Elton John sings it on the Tumbleweed Connection.
One of my favorite songs sung by Elton John.

Bernie Wrote some Good Shit!

"Where To Now St. Peter?"

I took myself a blue canoe
And I floated like a leaf
Dazzling, dancing
Half enchanted
In my Merlin sleep

Crazy was the feeling
Restless were my eyes
Insane they took the paddles
My arms they paralyzed

So where to now St. Peter
If it's true I'm in your hands
I may not be a Christian
But I've done all one man can
I understand I'm on the road
Where all that was is gone
So where to now St. Peter
Show me which road I'm on
Which road I'm on

It took a sweet young foreign gun
This lazy life is short
Something for nothing always ending
With a bad report

Dirty was the daybreak
Sudden was the change
In such a silent place as this
Beyond the rifle range

I took myself a blue canoe

Name that Gawd Awful Smell

Now its mold. Keeping the house moist with the vaporizer has had its set back. I have decided that I don't feel good today. I really tried to feel good. Cough cough, and I can feel the acid creeping up my esophagus, and the nasty taste in my mouth. My clothes are getting too big, odd because I am still fat as butter. I was going to clean, instead I baked an egg-less chocolate cake and I can't keep out of it. Daine said it's too Chocolaty. So it will be left to me to eat it. I am going to dive back into my Mary Stewart book after I bitch. Daine put the Karaoke machine on today, and we sang some songs, before I tossed the machine into the trash. Stupid (*)&*&*#@))$!! thing never did work properly. My voice really sux. Daine assured me I can still sing, but I know I can't. The vocal cord dysfunction has stolen most of my sweet notes. IT matters dammit. Singing was one thing that was solely mine. Something I did that did not require great effort, something that came easy. Now it's gone too. Many dreams have died.
SIGH, I hear music, I open my mouth to sing, I know what sound is supposed to come out. Instead it sounds like a well worn violin string. Like the notes were there once, you can almost hear it through the strain, but it is not there. I hear Mother's voice somehow. I never thought she could sing, she said she did once. I never believed her... now... is this what I get? I have doubted the truth more then once and been proven wrong, but I want my notes back.

Friday

So here it is Friday, I am terminally exhausted. Cough sounds like a motor trying to start up, I got my hair cut short thursday, and EL has called in one day, and not answered the door wednesday and Friday showed up at door in his underwear. I asked for a new client, work said there aren't any. So I get ripped off out of 18 hours a pay period because of him.
I haven't heard from Andy, what I expected. I will never call him again for mechanic work, I just need to find a reliable mechanic that can fix my car cheap. WEEZLE!!

I called the Weeezle

The car saga continues, and the job requires that I drive all over the place. Today I told MD, that I was NOT driving him around at his whim. WE would go where we were scheduled to go. Not Trips to McDonald's, and not trips searching for guns and ammo etc... The animal control only has orientation on Thursdays, and the woman behind the counter seemed to be happy about it. I needed to find something for MD to do twice a week besides driving me nuts. The clutch fluid was empty again third time in one month, first gear is missing. So I called AS. He did answer, mainly because I don't think he knew it was me. I never did anything to that git. I told him the symptoms of the retched car and he says, "transmission" SHIT. He says he will find one, and I said let me know and I will give you money before you pick it up at the auto recking yard... he is just saying WORDS, he will not fix it and I will not hear from him again. MAYBE, he wants to see Sherman badly, maybe he will keep his word, but I highly doubt it. BITE HIM SHERMAN... bite bite.

Philosophy would like to prove there is a God

When I write I wonder if I am connected, if what I am thinking makes sense to anyone else.
I am off my A D D medicine, ha ha. So I will be second guessing myself, wondering if I can do this.. eventually it will be what it is. Me in my jumbled brain trying to make sense of it and liking it better this way.
I want to be Glena, for all my faults, I am really not such a bad egg. For all my faults my heart and integrity are in the right place and always have been. I never understood why people think we need a big god standing over us with a stick in order for us to behave. The great philosopher,Jeremy Bentham (1748- 1832) believed man was inherently corrupt. There were other philosophers that believed man was basically good. David Hume, (1711- 1776) had an interesting argument about God. If god is omnipotent, he has the power to prevent evil.If he doesn't exercise his power to prevent evil,if his goodness cannot,then he cannot be omnipotent. Belief belief belief. That's what it comes down to once again. I do not believe that man is mostly evil, most have a willingness to please at an early age. Would this be based on a personality that was evil? Evil would seek to charm, but hide the true nature of the reasoning. True evil is usually not transparent. Willingness to do good is.

I used to buy it all

There is a certain arrogance in Christianity. The belief that one is the chosen one. Ones god, ones beliefs, that all things will work for good to those who believe. Those who bought it. If it doesn't work, then YOU didn't pray hard enough, or right, or your heart wasn't in the right place, or...the answer was no. NO. Simply you don't get what you want, not even that kiddo, you don't get what you need. Do you know why you don't get what you need? You are not the favorite, the charmed or blessed one. You do not count for anything on this planet, you are a bug.Including the six billion people that inhabit this planet you are on the bottom of the list, do you know why? NO? Neither do I.
The simplicity of belief was easy to accept when I was a child. I needed something when I was a child, and I clung to my belief, even when my infant son died. Everyone from the church... the prayer warriors were gathered around my bed holding hands and asking in Jesus' name to spare my baby to heal me to let us live another day. Then the unthinkable. It didn't work. WHAT? How could it not work, we followed the directions on the box. TO the letter. If any three shall gather in my name and ask anything then it shall be given unto him... or something like that anyway. And the Doctor came into my room still dressed in scrubs, pulling his mask off his face and he stood over my bed, my husband was curled up next to me in an exhausted sleep. "I'm sorry we lost him." And, I said the first thing that popped into my head, "Well find him, he can't have got very far." I was sure that they had misplaced his little bassinet and he was around somewhere, you see he was going to live and be my son, the child of my heart, I was only twenty, and I wanted my baby very badly. I had prepared a drawer for him at home with soft cloths and baby blankets borrowed from other church members. Everything was washed and clean, and ready for our son. Caleb Michael Neff. But they lost him.
This did not put a dent in my belief. Though to be honest, I cried for years, I cried every Mother's day, I cried on Caleb's birthday August 14, I cried at Christmas, the sadness lasted for years. I had two baby girls, and I love them deeply, but I still cried for my son. I was told all the reasons that god took him home, and I didn't believe any of them. I followed the rules dammit!
Twenty years later I found myself divorced and expecting a baby at the age of forty. Alone. for my birthday I made home made key lime pie, because no store in the city of Elko carried it. I had a baby boy, it was odd and hard, I was forty now, and I was not young and married and yet I was transported back in time. I was in Missoula Montana, I was young and lovely, and traffic stopped for me and I didn't know it. If Caleb had made it full term he would have been a big baby, Daine was nearly 11 pounds and removed by a C-section. Too big to be born Dr. said. Even then I still believed, even when things were always shit and we were so poor we couldn't afford a bottle of shampoo, and no one cared about us, I still believed, and I still thought all things would come together for good to those who loved Jesus. They never did. My life was a series of wonderful things wrapped up in bad things. I was thankful, I was loving, but I was not happy, and I could not hide it behind all the christian philosophy that amounted to a pile of garbage. I even wanted Dain dedicated and the minister said to wait till I got back to Brookings and have my own pastor do it. SERIOUSLY? this man was an adulterer, he had an affair with one of his congregation, left Brookings to start a church in Elko with his new wife and he would not dedicate my baby? MORE of the same hypocritical bull shit I have come to expect. He did not really like me in his church because I knew all about him. He had left Brookings about the same time I had, and I found him because I Was so homesick I wanted any connection I could get.
I prayed for a father for Daine, I prayed for an abundant christian life, I never got any of those things, but I got education and I got enlightened, and I was glad I could see things very clearly, and it was Philosophy class 101 at Boise State that finally killed the last little bit of faith. I had stood up in class and gave a glowing rendition of why I believed in Jesus Christ, it was so very good it brought tears to the other students eyes. Dr. Shitslinger, didn't even bat an eye, but the next week he explained how he, a son of a missionary and raised in christian boarding schools had come to doubt all that was religion. And his argument made sense, too much sense, and I think about it all the time, and his solemn words when a student asked, "Dr. Do you believe?" and he replied, "In a personal god? No I believe the world was created, but I do not believe there is a personal god." And I thought the greatest sin of all is robbing someone of their faith. A few left class crying, stunned and insulted. BUT I Stayed, out of morbid curiosity, and I stayed out of wonder. And I had to know more, I had never met a true agnostic before. The argument touched something in me, something that I still believe today. It would be easier to be a Christian, even with the hypocrisy and the people who hide their true evil behind religion, and it would be easier to be part of the group, but I do not believe it. Christianity is a word, and it means naive, misleading and exclusive, and I have never liked to join exclusive clubs, so there you have it, the death of my beliefs, and thank you Mr. Shitslinger for giving me nothing to look forward to except a long dirt nap.

Do you know what is worse then your house smelling like dog?

Sherman had an upset tummy and disgraced himself on the carpet. NOW I appreciate the dog smell.
SIGH.. tomorrow I dig out the shampooer and give the carpet a baking soda bath so it doesn't smell like pooer in here. Sometimes the fun never ends.

Things that make my blood boil

People that stretch the truth to make their point. Especially in government. Facts being misrepresented to sway the public in a different direction. Lies. Religious fanaticism, arrogant people,and mean people.

I started to

Dainish is sick, body aches and sore throat and that constant groaning... I made a heat pack out of rice and lavender flowers. I heated it in the microwave for five minutes and put it on his sore back. He was amazed at how something so simple could work like that.
I had to sew it by hand, I gave away my new sewing machine because I can't see to thread the damn thing. Eventually I will find me a simple singer. All I need is straight stitch and zigzag, I don't need fancy stuff. I never will be a seamstress or creative like my daughter Chelsie
Janelle put Daine on her cricket phone plan, now he has a cell phone again. RELIEF! I don't like having no way to get a hold of him.
I started listening to a teacher on YouTube this morning, talking about how we let fear override our lives and prevent us from what we want to do. It was pretty good, but I lost interest when he got into the benevolent God bit. YEAH YEAH YEAH.
I might go back and try again when my mind is better able to be reigned in. Whenever!
I want to know how to over ride fear. Fear has been my main source of misery since I was able to form thoughts. Fear of being left, fear of not being loved, fear of saying something stupid. Fear to try, fear not to try. Get rid of fear you get rid of most of your hangups.
NOW I have fear of commitment, but so to most eligible men my age, so that keeps me safe, ha ha ha

Sheer Genius

Sunday!! No one asked me. It crept up too fast, and I haven't done the mountain of paperwork that I have to turn in tomorrow. AND James is jumping on the keyboard again, I am going to withhold food from Mr.fat-asstanstic if he doesn't knock it off. I was trying to read a book last night while watching CSI-Newyork and he planted himself on my chest. I can feel the acid coming up my esophagus now, and being aware of it makes me even more anxious. I have had two attacks in the last week, and I can't see any rhyme or reason. If I am having the annoying tickle in my throat and my voice keeps catching when I talk, I Expect I will have a breathing attack somewhere in the dark reaches of the night, but then nothing happens and I sleep through the night. THEN when I have a relatively good day, I wake up gasping for air with only the barking sound of my vocal cords spasm. The dog runs under the bed and the cats scatter. Daine usually jumps out of bed and comes running to see if I need assistance. I have no warning. I can't tell when I will and when I won't.
I went to the animal shelter on Orchard on Friday, the strong cat urine smell was nearly my un-doing. I was going to volunteer with MD but I Don't think I really could stand it for an hour. I had no voice the rest of the day. HOW do the caretakers stand it? It has got to be doing some damage to their lungs, I mean this is eye watering cat piss smell like I have never endured before. Maybe MD and I will go to Caldwell and volunteer there with the animal control there. He would probably like that better, there is more for him to do.
NOW the rest of my day, vacuum, take out garbage,dust, laundry, change the cat box. Break into song and dance.... Play with grand daughter.

To Dwain

You trade what you have for what you don't know and hope you will be rewarded for your bravery.
It isn't bravery that leads you on but cowardice and laziness. Your own reality is tied up with pretty pink bows and you star as the hero with issues when in fact you are the villain and have made a grave mistake. I wonder what will happen when you realize what you have left behind?

I'm a Loser by Beck

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie
With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
Kill the headlights and put it in neutral
Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control
Baby’s in reno with the vitamin d
Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love-seat
Someone came sayin’ I’m insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Don’t believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park

Yo. cut it.

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

(double barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Forces of evil on a bozo nightmare
Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber
’cuz one’s got a weasel and the other’s got a flag
One’s on the pole, shove the other in a bag
With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job
The daytime crap of the folksinger club
He hung himself with a guitar string
A slab of turkey-neck and it’s hangin’ from a pigeon wing
You can’t write if you can’t relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax fallin’ on a termite
who's chokin’ on the splinters

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheese whiz)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(drive-by body-pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
Soooooyy....

?em llik uoy t'nod yhw os ,ybab resol a m'I rodedreP nu yos
[It's the Chorus backwards]

(I’m a driver, I’m a winner; things are gonna change I can feel it)

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(I can’t believe you)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Nlehh...)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Sprechen Sie Deutsch hier, Baby!)
Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(know what I’m sayin’? )

A different approach

I am still smarting over the "talking to" I had at work yesterday. Especially when they hire people like Goofy who is politically incorrect to the Nth degree. Janelle says, that I have the habit of saying the wrong thing to the people who matter. What I said was, "his parents have a lot to be thankful for." Somehow that translated to, The other kids aren't as special as "HE" is. WEll if you are going to infer things, get ready because I am full of the wrong thing to say, and I will probably do it again.
Not being perfect, and when people pick over every sentence and examine every word, I get even more tense and say even worse things. AND one of my favorite thoughts, "it is what it is." AND If they knew what I was thinking yesterday I would be fired. Thankfully no one can read my thoughts, well, maybe mine just a little bit.
The troubled kid "with issues" I had to take around shopping for three and a half hours wanted to look at guns... and my evil thought was, SURE! Give a retard a gun, this is good stuff here. I Told him that if he bought a gun I would not be able to transport it because it was against policy... SHEESH I was fast on my feet yesterday. He was full of violence yesterday, Talking about killing cats, and shooting people in the knee and defending his family against intruders. I think I am in a bit over my head.Everyone is a stupid asshole and no one knows what they are doing and Obama makes the prices too high at Walmart. Reminds me of someone... That's the paranoia. I do hope they don't ever put him with goofy, that will be the end of civilization as we know it. SIGH>>> Friday I am taking him to the animal shelter to volunteer taking care of CATS, I shudder at the thought.
Goofy set off my aspy kid in December by saying, " I bet Santa didn't come to your house" Chortle Chortle. You cannot kid around with an aspy kid, they take everything at face value and most of them do not joke around. He was told he was good, and he was furious at the inference. He started screaming and kicking. Goofy made it worse by saying, "Crabby today aren't we?" Chortle chortle. I walked my kid away and told him, he was teasing you, of course we know you were good. Calling him Aspy kid is "LABELING" you know, I am sick to death of the social worker mentality that everything is good, and a gift and we are all the same and have something to offer society. I think not. AND kick me for saying it. I think this little guy is going to be a successful adult, and I Think his parents are over reacting by labeling him aspy, because he seems normal to me, a bit spoiled and a bit hyper. Goodness knows what I have had to overcome in my life, and I wasn't labeled and given an old granny to take me shopping twice a week. I would have liked that. Especially if she had taught me math. Today I have Dr. A, which I don't even know what I am going to tell him, I feel like I am on a spiral to hell and there isn't enough time to tell it all in thirty five minutes. Then I see T my aspy kid which I wont' call him that anymore because I might slip. That would be workplace suicide. One wonders why the focus is on me when there are teenage girls there discussing their boy friends and movies in front of their charges, and taking them shopping with their friends and ignoring the kid they are supposed to be helping. LOTS of stuff going on that is far worse then my motor mouth.
AND I don't believe justice will serve itself either.

15402

Bat Shit Crazy

One step beyond just plain crazy. It is usually a temporary thing...sparked by something unexpected, or just really awful.

Finished

If you do the same thing over and over and FINALLY get the results you were expecting does that still make you crazy if it worked? Just wondering. I followed the rules, my friend didn't follow the rules and she ended up in a better position. This life is all there is, I better get moving.

Next

THEN.. MD called in with a family emergency. SO I didn't work today. I put in for a job being a cashier at the dump. I have been averaging about 8 hours a week, this cannot go on. AT least there is something, but its not enough. Keep looking my gut says.
AND you... you know you make my toes curl. Go on with your open relationships. I want something real, I want something I can be proud of, I want something that is mine and mine alone, I don't want to share.

EG called in sick

At least he called this time. The last two times I showed up and he declined services. I asked the scheduler to find me another client. I have NEVER worked with EG and I think its time for them to move me on. I got a new client today. M This is the guy with anger issues, bi polar disorder, retarded and what else can life throw at him?
I liked him, I met him Friday. We both love animals, I am going to see about getting him a volunteer position at the animal shelter in Nampa. I don't know if I should ask them first (warn them) or just show up with M and go for it.
I pick him up today at Two. Anticipation, and anxiety, anything new makes my stomach hurt. One day I hope to be calmer and more at peace.
ONE day I hope to live in a cottage by the sea, and everybody can go get fucked. SIGGGHHHH

Listening to Beck

What if it's wrong?
What if it's wrong
To pray in vain?
What does it mean
To fake your death?
To wake up tainted?

The futile hopelessness that colors my day is magnified by Beck lyrics.
Garlic breath from the mushroom omelet, tightness in the throat left over from cleaning kitchen and bathroom floors. EVERYTHING bugs me. Dainish went to Dwain and Janelle's house to scoop. I think I am going to dive into Terry Pratchett, I can't think of anything else I want to do.
Most things are in order, things are good.

blah blady blah blah blah

I am cold, even though I am wearing layers. My house still stinks like dog, and I am running the vaporiser to keep from coughing.
NOW onto something positive. You know, I have the nicest kid. 12 years old and still not a sign of the mouthy teenager that I have been warned is lurking there. I hear about thirteen, you will understand why some species eat their young. So now I just enjoy the kid, and listen to what he has to say, and I am glad he still wants to tell me what he is thinking.
I got a relaxation CD from the speech therapist. (she thinks she can teach me to relax... thats called booze baby.) I put it on in Daines room. He said it was wonderful, he fell asleep right away, the first night. The second night it didn't work. I don't know, perhaps we will try it again, if it doesn't work night three, I will give up on it.

15236 HA! the magic bullet

Proton Pump inhibitor.
I was all set for a horrible breathing attack in the early morning, and I took the Nexium at night, and I didn't get one, and I don't have that horrible lump in my throat.
LETS hope this works, because I am ready for this to end. I am ready to live without fear.
Speech therapist wanted me to take it twice a day, but the insurance company in their infinate wisdom thinks they know whats best and won't let me have the medication twice a day. Today I search for an OTC version, and pray for the best. In as much as I pray anymore.

I thought

4 Am I think, and it happened after not happening for several weeks. Whooop Whooop My vocal cords had slammed shut and I couldn't breathe. I jumped out of bed and tried the technique the speech therapist had taught me, I tried it three times, and it didn't work. Daine heard me stumbling around making that horrible noise and he came running out of his room. It didn't work, was all I could think. I found the asthma inhaler, which isn't supposed to work, and tried to get that into me. Finally the spasms quieted.
WHY? I am doing everything I am supposed to do, I am not supposed to have these things anymore. When am I going to get better? I have had enough of this stuff.

15205 Oregon Coast circa 1995

Why I want to go back;
August 24th, 1995:
It was one of those perfect days that I couldn't believe was real. So beautiful that it hurt my eyes. Before computer, before most of my patience and optimism was squashed.
I was sitting on a rock listening to Janelle crack sunflower seeds above me and lazily toss them on my head. We were sitting on rocks high up overlooking the ocean, and the rock seemed tailor made for our butts. I wonder if we could ever find them again if we climbed down that beach path. My dog, half chow and half lab was practically doing cartwheels for joy. It was a long way from a cage at the humane society in Boise Idaho, to a deserted beach on the Oregon coast. He ran into the waves that were coming in and out, he dodged, and jumped with total doggie happiness. He chased birds in flight, one minute then checked on Chelsie who braved the cold water to swim. He was a family dog, and never quite liked anyone else.
The wind blew my hair back from my face I remember and I had such hope for a new beginning. 18 years of marriage had finally come to a stormy end, and I was free for the first time in many years.

DammitJim

I went to work, I had asked the office yesterday if we should call the client in advance since he declined our service on Monday. They said, oh no, blah blah blah.. I went over there today. and he answered the door in his underwear and said, he had plans for the day. I asked him if he had called the office to cancel, and he said yes. I rather doubt he did. I went to the office and I asked them, they said, NO he hadn't called. I said, FIRE HIM. they blinked at me like I had just sprouted horns. I said, do you have any work for me, and Felicia said at three thirty to six fifteen. and I declined. NOW why did I do that? I wanted to work in the morning and I don't transition from one idea to the next very rapidly. JUST like my aspberger clients. I am so like them...
Chelsie called me while I was mulling that over...thinking maybe I should call back and take the job, but not knowing what it is makes me nervous, because it could be very unpleasant... and and... I am being a weazle aren't I? Back to Chelsie, she wanted to know what I Was doing, I said I am on call for work. She wanted to know if I would help her finish moving and I said no, thinking about my shoulder, it hurts so bad these days, and I declined physical therapy, BECAUSE.."deep Breath" I already have voice therapy twice a week, and I NEED to work and quit adding more things for me to drive to without pay.Dr Armen, Heather, Dentist on Friday. I just need to work now, ok? Ok!
SO I brought over the cardboard boxes to janelles' house for chelsie and I was getting ready to come back home, and Quinn put on his socks and said, I am going with Gramma. He had his coat and was still in his underwear. VERY cute, he was so sure I would leave him, he grabbed my leg, and said it again, I AM GOING WITH GRAMMA. Chelsie said do you want him? and I said, how could I resist? so we got his pants on him and I took him. He is playing with Daines toy cap guns, the dog is DEAD DEAD because Quinn shot him five times. (with a toy gun) He has had lunch and watched Cayoo, and hauled out cars and toys from Daine's room. This pisses Daine off because the little guys trash his room, and I do not stop them. BAD GRAMMA. Quinn calls me Grabba.
He calls his Auntie Janelle, Emo
He used the potty, and then for some reason he wet his pants. I was going to do a load of laundry anyway, so I put his stuff in the wash. I put a pair of Dain's boxers on him, and of course they wouldn't stay up, so I put a rubber band on the back and he has a tail. He was quite impressed with the ingenuity. I am a puppy he said.

"5 Star Wars status updates" by Brian Murphy

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794889
If star wars charactors used face book. Funny!

It looks like Congratulations are in order

Her gift from God... I think not. Only a month ago, I was told he thought about me, and I should trust him. I did not trust him and my instincts were correct. May you live long and experience great happiness.

AND quit sending me cartoon porn on my cell phone, JEEEZ

Just a thought

I'm STILL living in my own private Idaho

Where do you get rid of an old couch? NO NO NO this one is not good enough for a second hand store. My cats have sharpened claws on the back, the cushion covers zippers are broken and the stuffing is sliding out, and it's the ugliest thing I ever saw, red and green plaid, just vile.
My house stinks like dog, my carpets look like dirt, and everything is covered in a fine layer of dust. I thought I cleaned up around here, what gives? The dirt fairies came by when I wasn't looking.
Today I was a mess because I had two new clients I had never met, and I wasn't well versed on what I was supposed to do with them once I did pick them up. I went into work early and discussed this with my trainer. (HA trainer sounds like I am a wild beastie) It seems I was missing some important paperwork, like WHAT I am supposed to do with them once I pick them up. I got that and headed out to my first client's house. He decided he didn't want to go out today. DECIDED?!! I think he should be fired from our services. Not only did I waste the time and gas to go out there, I don't get paid a penny for my trouble. Then I was told that the other client's mother wasn't going to have her 22 year old son see me until she had met me. She lives 15 miles away, so this is inconvenient. SOOO I asked the sub department if they had any work for me today, and she sent me to a christian school to sit with and 11 year old boy and help him with his homework. HE was positively delightful and I enjoyed him immensely. I hope I meet him again.
So I find myself home early, which is fine because I really like that kid of mine. I like spending time with him.
Ray took me out to lunch before he headed back to Minnesota, that was a nice change. I am still wondering how I am going to get more gas in my car before I get paid. The clutch is still holding out by the way, and my car stinks like dog.
Such is the good life, I'm telling you.

Searching for deeper meaning?

Own Private Idaho- B-52's

Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo
You're living in your own Private Idaho
Living in your own Private Idaho
Underground like a wild potato.
Don't go on the patio.
Beware of the pool,
blue bottomless pool.
It leads you straight
right throught the gate
that opens on the pool.

You're living in your own Private Idaho.
You're living in your own Private Idaho.

Keep off the path, beware the gate,
watch out for signs that say "hidden driveways".
Don't let the chlorine in your eyes
blind you to the awful surprise
that's waitin' for you at
the bottom of the bottomless blue blue blue pool.

You're livin in your own Private Idaho. Idaho.
You're out of control, the rivers that roll,
you fell into the water and down to Idaho.
Get out of that state,
get out of that state you're in.
You better beware.

You're living in your own Private Idaho.
You're living in your own Private Idaho.

Keep off the patio,
keep off the path.
The lawn may be green
but you better not be seen
walkin' through the gate that leads you down,
down to a pool fraught with danger
is a pool full of strangers.

You're living in your own Private Idaho,
where do I go from here to a better state than this.
Well, don't be blind to the big surprise
swimming round and round like the deadly hand
of a radium clock, at the bottom, of the pool.

I-I-I-daho
I-I-I-daho
Woah oh oh woah oh oh woah oh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
Get out of that state
Get out of that state
You're living in your own Private Idaho,
livin in your own Private.... Idaho

15068 Sign in Sign in!!

From Snow to rain, and warm, the streets are flooding, and the heat can be turned down. Its a false start, I know it is going to get cold again, as sure as I'm sitting here.
Monday, oh Monday I fear you. I am not prepared. I don't get enough communication from the company, not enough structure. I will manage as long as the burping nissan keeps on running. Cross your fingers!
I had a terrific day with Tonie yesterday. I told her the years just melted away, it was such a connection, and she hasn't told me everything. I listened with my chin in my hands, and couldn't get enough. How far we have all come in thirty plus years.
Chapter two is around the corner.

BURP!

Thanks for Son-in-Law Dwain. Yesterday my car quit in the middle of traffic, so I got out and started pushing it off the road, as it gained speed, I thought, "THIS is not going to end well." I jumped back inside and steered if off the road with the help of a kind stranger. Dwain said the clutch lined needed to burp...... so BURP it did. Lets hope it keeps going for awhile, without me pushing it.